What would you think if a visiting child said these things?

[JonesyAndTheSalad]

DD is 9, a boy she knows from school recently moved to our street so today, DD called for him and his Mum let him come over for an hour.

They were happy playing but over the time he was here, he said

"It's really messy here too"

About the sitting room...it isn't really messy. There is a pile of DD's colouring things placed neatly on the floor to one side.

He mentioned it in relation to DD's bedroom which by the way is perfectly tidy. Nothing on the floor at all.

He then said to me, "I think you should move the settee over there...and put the TV there"

Thanks for the advice son but a tv doesn't do well directly over an open fireplace. and his idea for sofa placement was to maroon it in the middle of the small room. Maybe he's the next big thing in interior design?

I just nodded and tried to seem interested.

He then went on to say

"What's that on your face?"

I have a birthmark a red scar on my cheek. Not huge...but shouldn't a 9 year old know not to ask things like that? Or to comment on other people's houses in such a way?

I work with a woman (who I suspect is on the spectrum) who comments in a similar way. She is also the kindest person I know who would do anything for anybody. At first I used to flinch at the bluntness, now I don't bat an eyelid.

I don't think this boy sounds rude. He lacks a filter and may always be that way. I wouldn't take it personally op.

Mary I've often had the "I like your house" from DCs friends and I'm like "REALLY? Even I dont! ".

what a self expressed young man! I would have laughed too

I had almost exactly the same thing from a boy that age, I was looking after him for a few days to help his mum out and on being shown the house he said to his mum "I don't want to stay here ITS DIRTY!!" and yes, he too gave me advice on cleaning and interior design, bit of feng shuei I think. He was mildly on the spectrum; I was a bit taken aback but managed to ignore it. I think it does depend on upbringing too - some parents think they have no place in teaching kids manners, as they have none themselves (although in the case of this boy his mum was lovely and fairly strict).

I think I would have told him that it's rude to comment like that and that it could hurt people's feelings. (I'm one of those 'it takes a village to raise a child' types.)

I taught a child of 8 with aspergers and his specialist advised us to use the phrase, 'That's not appropriate'. So, definitely OK to explain that to a 9 year old, I'd say.

My friends little boy has Asperger Syndrome (sometimes known as high functioning Autism) he is blunt and will often critique the way people are dressed if they don't " match". He will tell people if he thinks their house is messy and make interesting suggestions as to why they should do with everything, can't stand clutter and chaos. My friend is a hoarder so he doesn't get it from her. He just can't help himself and pulling him up every five minutes is exhausting. I just thank him for his suggestion and move on.

You should have gone all Mary-poppins-cleaning-up-game on his ass! He won't say it again!

My Ds used to have a friend who spoke to adults like this. I thought it was just me but I mentioned to another mum and she said he'd done exactly the same at her house - told her it was messy, didn't like what she'd cooked for dinner, told her she needed to iron her DCs clothes a bit better, etc., etc.

Needless to say he never got invited back to either of our houses.

I would think the child had asd.

My son is an Aspie. He's 6. He is incredibly forthright at times and can be extremely rude. He also asks wholly inappropriate questions. I repeat that that is not nice, not appropriate, so on and so forth, smile and walk away. He doesn't get that things might hurt people's feelings, he will just ask "where will it hurt and why?"...draining at times!

However, I think that ALL children, spectrum disordered or not simply cannot help themselves if somebody has a birthmark, a limp, missing limb, any sort of disability. It appears to be a point of fascination and I am absolutely sure we've all been there with that...!

Not necessarily the parents fault. Some children, no matter how many times corrected, reminded, negative sanctions just seem not to get it! Some children just speak out their minds. Is it tiring being the parent of one of these children? Oh yes. People judging my parenting are equally tiring. Sometimes it isn't for lack of trying (several years). It is why I don't let her go to friends, permanently feel on guard - because of the constant judgement. I have overheard some corners as well. It makes you shrivel up inside. Not excusing it but sometimes kids just don't get it

When my DC's were younger I was quite fond of the chatty opinionated friends. Most of their friends barely managed to mumble a hello so it was quite refreshing to meet one that would actually speak.

If your DD's friend has just moved in maybe his parents are openly discussing where they are putting all the furniture and it's fresh on his mind. And the birthmark thing - he's probably never seen one. Give him time - if he turns out to be a pain in the a**e your DD will soon get bored of him.

Corkers not corners please

Not on the spectrum either or any identified disability, difficulty etc

I would think he is so bloody rude and would have said something. A child of 10 visited and made some rude comments, and I said to him in front of his parents 'well that's rude, you need to learn manners don't you?'
His parents were highly embarrassed as I don't think any one of them had ever dealt with his rude ways before. They didn't really want to visit after that and I was quite happy too.

MrsC no...we haven't "all been there with that" when it comes to children making rude comments about other people's appearance.

It's not something all children do at all.

Though I do accept that for many children it's a normal part of development. I would expect a 9 year old to know better unless there were additional needs.

A child of under around 6 I would think that was quite nomal though.

A child of 10 visited and made some rude comments, and I said to him in front of his parents 'well that's rude, you need to learn manners don't you?'

And that wasn't rude?

I know a lot of 10 year olds as I am a Guide leader and there are much better ways of telling them a comment isn't appropriate. Ones that might make them want to listen to you in the future.

He was been rude. My DS is 7 and they can be too honest at times, but you have to teach them about what is appropriate. It's rather odd that at 9 he was concerned about the interior of your house though!

I would find it a bit odd because my children at age 8 just wouldn't comment on physical characteristics like that. They understand people might be upset by it. I don't think it's normal for a child of 9 to just say that, I think it's rude.

The furniture and tidiness thing wouldn't bother me. Our house is a mess but I'm not taking interior design feedback from a kid!

Jonesy...really? You do surprise me. I did not say "rude about somebody's appearance" at all. However, children do frequently ask about why somebody might be in a wheelchair, etc etc. It's utter nonsense that they don't. Both of my children have asked me awkward questions, not being rude at all, just inquisitive. That's normal. Indeed I had this exact same conversation with a group of mum's last week. All "naice" children, but they do sometimes ask things that you'd rather they didn't .

DS1's best friend is a lovely lad, but I still remember him piping up 'Gosh, your house is really tiny, isn't it? Are you really poor?' the first time he visited. He was only 7 though and I know his parents would be so embarrassed if they'd heard. I just said 'Well, there's only three of us and there's seven of you in your house, so we probably all have the same amount of space really'. He thought for a second and said 'Yes, you're right! It's much tidier than our house too'.

DS1 stuck his foot in his mouth recently, when he saw a toddler with a red birthmark covering over half his face. He gasped 'Oh no! Are you okay? That looks so sore!' at the boy (totally well meaning, but sure the boy's mum was sick to the back teeth of comments). His mum and I simultaneously said 'It's just a birthmark' and DS was instantly mortified for making the little boy feel bad. He knows about birthmarks as DS2 has a large one on his leg, but didn't realise they could be red too.

That was very different to just being plain rude, IMO. Some kids do seem to have no filter. I've always taught mine to think before they speak as rude comments upset people - it seems not every parent teaches their children this though!

Funny that you say it's just him and his mum. I wonder if she's left a very critical man?

MrsC them asking YOU is very different to them asking someone to their face in a blunt fashion.