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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What would you think if a visiting child said these things?

117 replies

JonesyAndTheSalad · 13/03/2017 06:39

DD is 9, a boy she knows from school recently moved to our street so today, DD called for him and his Mum let him come over for an hour.

They were happy playing but over the time he was here, he said

"It's really messy here too"

About the sitting room...it isn't really messy. There is a pile of DD's colouring things placed neatly on the floor to one side.

He mentioned it in relation to DD's bedroom which by the way is perfectly tidy. Nothing on the floor at all.

He then said to me, "I think you should move the settee over there...and put the TV there"

Hmm

Thanks for the advice son but a tv doesn't do well directly over an open fireplace. Grin and his idea for sofa placement was to maroon it in the middle of the small room. Maybe he's the next big thing in interior design?

I just nodded and tried to seem interested.

He then went on to say

"What's that on your face?"

I have a birthmark a red scar on my cheek. Not huge...but shouldn't a 9 year old know not to ask things like that? Or to comment on other people's houses in such a way?

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 13/03/2017 08:13

I think he sounds rude. "That's not very polite" would be my reaction.

DevelopingDetritus · 13/03/2017 08:13

I probably would have had a good discussion with him re the "interior design" tips, I'm interested in that too. As for the birthmark comment, like a PP has mentioned, explain what it is then say "be careful as some people might get their feelings hurt if you say things like that".

228agreenend · 13/03/2017 08:16

I'm guessing his mum is a clean freak and always telling him to tidy up, hence the messy comment. However, that was a bit rude, and it's slightly unusual for a nine year old to want to change the layout of a room. Never heard that before.

Regarding the birthmark, I think that's just kids curiosity Nd what Developimg says is a good response.

drspouse · 13/03/2017 08:17

Totally agree that the house comments are either OCD parents or just moved We are moving soon and I fully expect my DS to do this.
But it's funny how it's one rule for one MNer and one for another. My DS commented on a man's appearance on the bus (man couldn't hear though). He was 4 and I was told he was WAY old enough to know you should NEVER comment on any aspect of someone's appearance.

LolaTheDarkdestroyer · 13/03/2017 08:18

He sounds weird. And the birthmark comment was cheeky for. 9 year old.

DJBaggySmalls · 13/03/2017 08:30

I think he was testing your boundaries.

Original poster
JonesyAndTheSalad · 13/03/2017 08:38

Tartan no, he lives alone with his Mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
JonesyAndTheSalad · 13/03/2017 08:39

Pixies what do you mean by "she was wrong too"?? I said not all children with ASD present the same.

OP posts:
Original poster
JonesyAndTheSalad · 13/03/2017 08:44

BadLad no...sometimes a sofa in the middle of a room can work. If the room's large anyway. I have two, very cottage-like sitting rooms. A sofa in the middle would look like removal men had grown tired and dumped it! Nobody would be able to get past.

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 13/03/2017 08:48

The child could have OCD? Or just be one of those children who doesn't engage their brain before speaking? Or could be on the spectrum? Or just be incredibly rude?

I've got two children on the spectrum both VERY different, both speak their thoughts. I have a niece who is pretty much like the boy you describe. But, she is just a miniature version of my sister. (both extremely rude and obnoxious with it)

IamFriedSpam · 13/03/2017 08:49

I think it's fairly innocent. Lots of nine year olds know it's rude to point out mess/birthmarks some don't either because of a developmental issue or because they just haven't been taught. Surely since you were the adult in charge you should have told him that wasn't nice to point out birthmarks because people might get upset? I find it very unlikely that he was deliberately trying to be rude.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/03/2017 08:53

I know you did OP. I'm just saying don't discount it as a possibility.

I honestly don't think this boy meant to be rude. Like I said. Just answer him and he'll move on.

I've had adults (good friends) be equally rude to me without realising. I have a massive scar on my tummy from an op when I was a baby. I wore a lovely top in a heatwave the other year that I didn't realise was quite tight fitting Blush. Cue my friend running up to me asking if I was okay and what had I done to my tummy. I then explained and showed her my scar.

We all say stuff we shouldn't sometimes. Even 9yos.

Cantusethatname · 13/03/2017 09:08

My youngest DS has ADHD and sometimes has no filter as you describe. I have spent a lot of time with him explaining that unless he's absolutely sure that a remark is appropriate, he must just think it and not say it. It takes a lot of work. For some children i think this just happens automatically and you don't have to teach it, for some you do!

Pinotwoman82 · 13/03/2017 09:22

Interesting reading here, a kid the same age has said something similar to me so readingcwith interest

EffieIsATrinket · 13/03/2017 09:23

Rude rude rude.

I'd be mortified if my child made the birth mark comment at any age over 5.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 13/03/2017 09:23

I think 9 is old enough to start knowing what is and isn't polite to say, obviously he hasn't been taught not to make personal remarks about people's bodies, houses, anything like that.

I find lots of children remarkably blunt, they don't have any type of disorder, they are just used to making pronouncements and everyone listening. They also ask 'can you get me a glass of water' and then don't say thank you. At 5 this is fine, at 10 you start thinking, when are they going to get it? All nice families, mix of homes and jobs, children are just quite rude naturally.

My dd had a condition and one day she went into school with it very visibly showing, I was with her, and I must have heard 20 children comment on it within 10 minutes, and not in nice ways (except her few lovely friends who said she looked gorgeous). These were Year 6 at the time, so 10/11. I think that's pretty old to not know you don't comment on things like birthmarks/visible differences. I felt incredibly sorry for her as I'd kind of assumed that children would be more accepting, actually a lot of them seemed to be quite confident in pointing out difference and asking rude questions to which they weren't interested in hearing the answer, it was shocking.

Toobloodytired · 13/03/2017 09:27

Don't happen to live near Bristol do you op?? I know a boy of that age, EXACTLY like that & no he isn't autistic he's just rude!!

Toobloodytired · 13/03/2017 09:28

Also,

I have an autistic brother who jumps, claps, makes noises but wouldn't ever comment on if someone's house was messy!

ClemDanfango · 13/03/2017 09:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

blowmybarnacles · 13/03/2017 09:48

Sounds like he doesn't have a filter,

Re home décor advice - engage him further, you never know what good advice he may have Grin

Re your scar - tell him it is rude to make personal comments, and why - best he understands this early on in life!!

CrowRoad · 13/03/2017 10:02

At 9 he probably still needs a nudge from his parents to point out what he's saying is rude. Some kids just blurt out whatever they're thinking.

We live in a flat (pretty big period place, not at all pokey) and when our nephew of a similar age came round he said "when are you going to move into a real house?" When we responded it wasn't what we wanted right now and it's expensive to move he said "so you can't afford it. Are you not good at your job? My dad is really good at his job, that's why we have a big house."

Not on the spectrum, not brought up badly, just got a touch of the old running mouth!

I would certainly have pointed out in a kind way that it's not polite to talk about other people's appearance though.

badger2005 · 13/03/2017 10:02

I suspect that underneath your disapproval of his rudeness, is just the fact that he has hurt your feelings. That is why you are trying to justify your own room arrangements, and explain why his wouldn't work.
I totally empathise - I get my feelings hurt by things kids say too!
What I find helpful is to remind myself that they are learning (as a pp said). It is good that he is coming up with ideas. He needs to learn when to voice them, but he also needs to come up with better ideas because the TV above the fireplace is not going to work! You could ask him to draw out a design for your room, but with some constraints, which you can teach him - starting with the fact that a TV can't go above a fireplace. See what he comes up with!

Crumbs1 · 13/03/2017 10:05

Lack of filter from a totally child centric environment where mother treats him as another adult in discussions? He's probably mums best friend and confidante. I'd tell him most people thought it wasn't very kind to comment on others appearance or homes unless asked to do so. Not in a cross way but just explaining.

GwenStaceyRocks · 13/03/2017 10:13

Our NDN's DC's often make comments like that. I don't think it's rudeness. I think the proximity of our houses makes them feel more at home so they're not on 'best visiting behaviour' but treat our house more like a second home.

MaryMorpho · 13/03/2017 10:14

I've had kids round like this - I just chat back. No, I don't really want the sofa there. Do you think this is messy? Is your house super-tidy then? It's a birthmark, but you do know it's a bit rude to ask someone about a mark on their face, right?

I've had both "why is your house so small" and "this house is so much better than ours!" :o