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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

What would you think if a visiting child said these things?

117 replies

JonesyAndTheSalad · 13/03/2017 06:39

DD is 9, a boy she knows from school recently moved to our street so today, DD called for him and his Mum let him come over for an hour.

They were happy playing but over the time he was here, he said

"It's really messy here too"

About the sitting room...it isn't really messy. There is a pile of DD's colouring things placed neatly on the floor to one side.

He mentioned it in relation to DD's bedroom which by the way is perfectly tidy. Nothing on the floor at all.

He then said to me, "I think you should move the settee over there...and put the TV there"

Thanks for the advice son but a tv doesn't do well directly over an open fireplace. and his idea for sofa placement was to maroon it in the middle of the small room. Maybe he's the next big thing in interior design?

I just nodded and tried to seem interested.

He then went on to say

"What's that on your face?"

I have a birthmark a red scar on my cheek. Not huge...but shouldn't a 9 year old know not to ask things like that? Or to comment on other people's houses in such a way?

OP posts:

BalloonSlayer · 13/03/2017 07:12

If they have recently moved, then I expect their house at the moment is full of "this could go there" and "why don't we put this here" and "Oooh I know - what about putting the telly over there?" "Oh yeah great idea!" conversations. It's probably all anyone is talking about. He's only 9 - maybe he thinks that's what you talk about when you are living in your street

Similarly, the conversation when you move house is often over what a mess you are in and when you will get sorted.

The scar question - that's just kids, I'm afraid. Not rude but I can see how it came over like that given the other comments.

TheFirstMrsDV · 13/03/2017 07:13

At 9 he may not understand that making 'helpful' suggestions about interior decor could be rude.
He should know that making comments about someone's appearance is.
I have worked bloody hard with my DS with ASD to make sure he knows the rules about that and my other 4 DCs have been bought up in the knowledge that you do NOT comment and why you don't.

Original poster

JonesyAndTheSalad · 13/03/2017 07:14

Balloon that makes sense. I did nod sagely and listen to his advice. I'm not a horror of a Mother...I know they're very self-important at that age.

I've just never had a kid mention my scar...it's not very noticable so he must be quite observant.

OP posts:

Ashvis · 13/03/2017 07:17

I've psoriasis and had to explain the patch I sometimes get on my head to plenty adults who point and stare, so a child wouldn't bother me overly much (have to explain it on my elbows and knees a lot in warmer months, and used to work with children so LOTS of practice with children asking!). Some children don't mean to be rude, just lack boundaries. That plus the furniture would probably have me thinking he's a little precocious, but certainly wouldn't decide not to have him over again just yet. Wouldn't necessarily think he has autism without much more evidence, I've one with autism too and he is overly polite! If he was to ask about a scar or mark, it'd be out of genuine interest and concern, not a desire to offend. A lot depends on tone of voice as well. It's very annoying to have anyone criticising your home though, regardless of who they are looking at you mil

AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/03/2017 07:21

I was going to say the same as Moomin my DS is 8 and has literally no filter! (introducing tact is a work in progress!). Also OP. Even though my DS is 8 we've been told he's got the mental age of a 3 year old. So even though older and should know better, people don't see or know about the age thing.

Of course, we can't ever really know though unless we're told. I know a few kids with ASD and he's nothing like them...though of course, it's different in all kids.

My DSs old senco thought the same as you. She was wrong too.

I wouldn't worry about it too much. The bit about putting your tv over the fireplace just sounds innocent to me. Now if he'd have gone around your house checking for dust on top of doorframes then yes, definitely cheeky

Wingsofdesire · 13/03/2017 07:25

He's just a kid : (

I don't think you should react as if it's really a serious suggestion or comment from a fully-aware person. He's obviously a bit out on appropriacy - but remember he's a boy. Some of them take a lot longer to pick up on what they can and can't say. His rearrangement of your room says it all - those thoughts came to him, and he didn't have the instinct to filter - he just told you.

If a boy of 9 (same age as my DD - Yr 4) came round and said those things to me, I still wouldn't be surprised at this age (my DD has a couple of friends who are girls who might also still just voice their thoughts like that). He may be a bit odd like that, but he also may very well grow out of it.

Don't take it either personally or very seriously, I'd say.

Dumbo412 · 13/03/2017 07:30

Kids can be rude sometimes! When I realised this I realised I didn't actually like anyone's children except my own.
A few clangers I've had directly said to me;
You'r house is too small to be nice.
Oh, our car is much better, it's so much bigger (our car is smaller, but brand new, their big one is 15 years old, chooses when it runs and really really smells)
And a few weeks ago I stopped to have a pet of a puppy outside of the school, a little French bulldog- had the most beautiful soft fur!! DDs friend turns to me and says, I like chihuahuas too. I say, yes they are lovely, but that was a French bulldog. She went on and on about how it was definitely a chihuahua because it was small. She then told me I knew nothing about dogs.... despite having owned dogs my entire life, and looking after them for the past few years.

Kids eh!

AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/03/2017 07:31

I've just never had a kid mention my scar...it's not very noticable so he must be quite observant.

I understand. But I doubt he meant to be rude on purpose. Just andeer him normally and he should move on from that focus.
We'd already talked to DS about his lack of tact and people looking different but a lot of the things has to be repeated as it goes over his head. Took DS to an appointment in a big health centre, as we walked out, we were waiting for a taxi back home and there was a double amputee sat in a wheelchair having a cheeky cigarette, cue DS straight up to him "why haven't you got no legs?". I was absolutely mortified profusely apologised to the man. Told DS off and how rude it was and made him apologise to the man too. The man told me it's okay, he was just asking and answered his question. Then they both sat chatting about the weather and what was DS doing odd school etc. He was fine with the answer given and moved on. He's not asked since so know he knows why some people don't.

SoupDragon · 13/03/2017 07:34

In a couple of years he'll be in high school!

And, in general, they change a lot in those 2 years. I've watched my 3 go from being little children to ready to leave primary in those 2 years. There was a huge difference their maturity. There was also a huge difference in their maturity between how the three of them were at the same age, with DD being the most mature.

MrsTwix · 13/03/2017 07:35

Maybe it's the opposite, he might not get listened to at home? TBH I'd think the sofa comments mean he's a little Laurence Llwenyn Bowen in the making!!! It would amuse me. I'd probably tell him to his face that comments about houses being untidy are rude, but I'm on the spectrum so i don't have filters myself, I've learnt the hard way what you say and what you don't. I would be matter of fact not cross.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/03/2017 07:37

I've one with autism too and he is overly polite!

Mine is most of the time. At school and such anyway. He's incredibly polite when he wants to be. There are situations however where he has no filter whatsoever and is rather very rude. His new senco said he's one of the politest Boys she's known. He still told the speech therapist she can't fit down the slide 'as her bum was too big' though. . She was assessing his speech in normal surroundings, so went out to playtime sith him, she asked if he thought she should have a go on the slide and that was his reply. I don't think he meant to inadvertently call her fat, she laughed it off, he thinks literally and made the correlation between a young 3/4 year old being able to fit down the slide and knowing a fully grown adult can't. It just didn't come out as tactfully.

NoviceGardener101 · 13/03/2017 07:40

No filter and thinking out loud. That's kids for you.

I'm still utterly mortified at DD 7 asking her friends mum why their house was so small . She laughed her head off though

AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/03/2017 07:40

I would be matter of fact not cross.

Exactly what MrsTwix said.

BadLad · 13/03/2017 07:42

and his idea for sofa placement was to maroon it in the middle of the small room.

My sofa is in the middle of the room. I'm worried that all my visitors have left chuckling to themselves now.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/03/2017 07:42

*answer him not andeer.

Oblomov17 · 13/03/2017 07:46

Some kids come round and won't say boo to a goose. I did have one who was quite 'opinionated'!!

But sometimes even ds2 shocks me with his lack of understanding. The other day, He said "we saw a man, when we were shopping and mum he was soooo fat". I was saddened. I sat him down and talked about it.

I find most 9 year olds quite immature, generally, these days.

NormaSmuff · 13/03/2017 07:46

I would be enchanted.
He showed interest.
He will go far

TheOnlyColditz · 13/03/2017 07:48

Sounds like fairly classic nine year older "I have a fussy housepround mother" behaviour.

he perhaps doesn't realise that things that are ok to say in his house are not ok to say in yours.

He's only nine. And as for the "nearly at secondary school" nonsense - you think eleven year olds are mature and polite?

Oblomov17 · 13/03/2017 07:50

Ds2 : "my friend Alfie lives in the best place. His flat is so much better than our house"

Ds2's friend, last year: "Your house is very small, isn't it"?

missyB1 · 13/03/2017 07:51

Sounds like his social skills need a lot of polishing. Just be careful he doesn't criticise your dd or her possessions too much, we've got that problem with a little boy in our street, nice enough kid but almost seems to sneer at ds toys / bedroom etc... It has upset ds on a couple of occasions.

AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/03/2017 07:56

I don't think he sounds precocious at all. I think he sounds like a normal inquisitive 9 year old.

Young children can be ever so funny. I was waiting to take DS into class on world book day and one of his friends came up dressed to talk to him dressed as Elsa.I knew who she was dressed as. Then another of his friends came in a green dress and I stupidly didnt connect it to Anna. Thinking it could be maid Marian or something.

Me: "who are you today then?".
DSs friend: "I'm Master Pixies friend. Sally!".

It made me chuckle and taught me to be more specific when talking to his friends!

AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/03/2017 07:57

He's only nine. And as for the "nearly at secondary school" nonsense - you think eleven year olds are mature and polite?

TheOnlyColdItz God no! I've got an 11yo DD!

AwaywiththePixies27 · 13/03/2017 08:00

nice enough kid but almost seems to sneer at ds toys / bedroom etc... It has upset ds on a couple of occasions.

I think there's a difference between being a snob and just asking a blunt question though.
The boy on our street who complained we didn't have a Playstation for him to play on never got invited back.

DustyMaiden · 13/03/2017 08:01

my DS was like that, went to a friends house she said excuse the state of the hall its being decorated, wall paper was peeling off, DS said you have been saying that for 27 weeks and 4 days. Why do you say it? Why do you care what people think? At 16 he has been diagnosed with Aspergers.

tartancoat · 13/03/2017 08:12

Does the boy have any siblings? The comments sound adult-centric to me - most 9yr olds off their own bat couldn't care less about furniture placement.

There isn't enough information to 'diagnose' a developmental disorder IMO, and probably not appropriate.

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