To think being an introvert and a Mother is like a living torture

[Iwantpinotgrigio]

Not all introverts feel like this I know but I do!

I've a lot of friends and in some ways I'm extroverted. I'm out going in that I enjoy socialising with friends and have always been chatty at work.

But I only like people to an extent and before I had children, while I was chatty all day at work, I would want to come home to an empty, silent house.

I loved living with family but had to spend a lot of the time in my room reading a book or on the internet.

If I had a social event on a Saturday I needed Sunday alone to 'recover'. If I went days without talking to anyone I felt lonely so I do like company.

When I met my partner I had my son but we didn't stay together. I enjoyed the baby stage until my Son was 1 year old,but once he started wanting someone to play with I found things such a chore.

I'm sure I'm not depressed.

My son is now 4 and he never shuts up. I feel like I am going absolutely mad. I have to do pretend play with him. I have play dates which means I have to endure chatting to mums from school

He constantly talks to me and wants help with something. Just now I've been summoned to help with pulling stickers off his activity book.

Then there's the tantrums which I have to deal with. He's actually a well heaved child but I just find his constant talking an absolute torture. I can read while he's playing and do go on here a lot but I can't do either properly without having to interrupt what I'm doing every 5 mins to play with him or chat to him.

He climbs on me a lot too.

I understand this is just the way children are and I'm not trying to change him.

When he's gone to bed I'm too tired to do much but do immediately turn all TV off and have a bath and read a book.

I never realised how much silence was an essential part of my life and how much it means to my wellbeing and stress levels.

My son is in school and I work but this makes no difference. I still spend almost all my free time with him (no family support and his dad barely sees him).
I love my Son and when he's older I'm sure we will have a wonderful bond. But right now, all I really want is silence. To go home from work to silence. Wake up to silence. To read a book. To be alone. I just want to be alone! Completely alone in complete silence!

AIBU?

Dd is 5 and still a ball of energy, talks and moves non stop. I thought school and wraparound childcare would tire her out but she is still on the go right up until 8.30pm every night. Luckily she has little 3yo dd to play with although today she said 'when dd1 talk, it hurt my ears'. We all find her exhausting!

Good to hear someone else say - the constant demanding of attention /the 'why stage' in our household right now, would drive anyone mad but it must be worse for an introvert. I'd happily while away time thinking but as my daughter had slight speed have delay, forced myself to constantly talk to her and am now being 'rewarded' with being constantly chattered at!

In a practical note, could you fit I some time for yourself during school time? May e work a 9 day fortnight if currently full time?

On MN "introvert" seems to be used as an excuse for being rude, or unsociable etc...even when people clearly aren't introverts. It doesn't have the meaning a lot of people think it has, it doesn't mean much at all.

We (nearly) all like silence, we (nearly) all like alone time, we (nearly) all crave time alone and away from small children. Children are loud and annoying and talk too much.
You're not particularly unusual, ditch the idea that you are.

onlyliving, can you let me know which charm school you attended? I will make sure to avoid it.

It's called the Get Over Yourself School. Not too expensive, they should give a discount to MNers.

Ooh lovely, thanks for the tip. A bit of empathy is always nice among mumsnetters

It's the essence of empathy if you take the time to notice it.

Empathy: the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.
I'm saying we all understand and share the feeling and its completely normal.

Complain about my post all you like, but a more accurate complaint would be appreciated.

I do think that some people need much more time alone than some others. And empathy is to try and understand how much stronger others' feelings maybe. And actually empathy usually means sounding a little bit sympathetic too. If I'm not mistaken.

I think how OP feels is entirely normal.. it's certainly how I feel and the majority of my friends who I chat to about motherhood. It's not introverted to need time alone and for silence, I would have thought most people need that. I too am very sociable and need to spend lots of time in others company or I become lonely and bored but I also need and value time spent totally alone and in silence, even if it's just going out for a long walk or run. And kids are annoying! Especially when they talk all the time and demand things from you every minute of the day - it gets very draining but that's life and totally totally normal to feel exasperated by it sometimes. I'm sure It's harder if you are a single parent as obviously there is less opportunity to get your time alone.

Squeegle Tue 14-Mar-17 22:05:15
"I do think that some people need much more time alone than some others. And empathy is to try and understand how much stronger others' feelings maybe. And actually empathy usually means sounding a little bit sympathetic too. If I'm not mistaken."

This. I think there are people who get tired by prattling children and like a little rest now and then.

And then there are people who can hardly function unless they get a regular chance to withdraw into themselves and recharge their batteries.

People are all different. I'm probably in the first category, my db most definitely in the second. Our dad otoh is a friendly puppy of a man who feels lost if he isn't constantly surrounded by his family and who cannot even enjoy a walk on his own, let alone a lonely weekend.

Hold out for the teen years, OP! At least you won't be one of those MNers posting forlorn posts about how your teen seems to be spending all their time in their room playing with their phone. You will be downstairs savouring the peace

TheOnlyLivingDeadBoyInNewYork

Er no, you're wrong TheOnly and the only person being bolshy and rude here is you.

Of course everyone likes time alone etc. But introverts or those who score highly on the neurotic personality scale have a higher baseline level of arousal and therefore need quiet alone time to a greater degree than non-introverts do. The theory is actually not that introverts are selfishly ignorant to the needs of other people, as you assert, but that being more highly aroused, they empathise too much they are more sensitive to picking up the emotional cues of other people, and pick up too much information kind of like a sponge. This also often goes hand in hand with an acute self-consciousness, so being in a group is actually emotionally, mentally and physically taxing sensory overload.

The opposite of this are extroverts who have a lower baseline level of arousal and need stimulation. Extroverts and introverts are both seeking equibrilum. And both engage in activities to help them achieve it. Extroverts seek socialisation or even adrenalin fuelled activities to bring their level of arousal up. It feels good nearly all the time. But for introverts, already having a high arousal baseline, it feels bad when there's too much of such activities.

Both do seek social activities and both do seek quiet, but both need different amounts to achieve equibrilum.

Being introvert in a group can be like having an antenna strapped to your head with a constant radio feed. When I am in a group of people, I am constantly assessing needs and interpreting behaviour and adjusting my behaviour to suit, being emotionally responsive to every facet and nuance of expressed thought or body language or intent. After a while it is tiring. I have a running mental and emotional monologue, for each and every person and I can not turn it off. Coupled with that is an acute sense of self-consciousness and then I also analyse myself and how I interact within the group.

Every person I have met always tells me how understanding I am. I have often been told that 'no one listens and understands me as well as you do,' well......yeah....because I pick up on your emotions pretty much on loud speaker mode, all the time even when you are not talking! I need downtime. I definately need people time too, but much much less. I need it in spurts. So day with friend....then no one for a few days or a week or even two weeks. Or a group day out, then quiet alone time for a few more weeks. Preferably with phone turned off.

Neither do I learn well in groups, all the extra info is distracting and disabling. I learn best self taught, or alone or actually in a massive group (like uni lecture halls with hundreds of people) because there too much for me to read and I won't feel self conscious. I avoid small parties and group activities like the plague, not because I don't like people (in fact I appear outgoing), but because it is genuine sensory overload after a while. And I do go in a party and pick up on the needs of the person who is not talking, or is uncomfortable and expend loads of resources trying to make a special effort to make them less uncomfortable.

Funny though everyone understands someone who says they feel lonely, and needs social contact, but people judge negatively those who operate the other way around.

Having a child means there is little time to come down from that high state of arousal. It is more challenging. Doesn't mean introverts love their children less. Just means it much harder to get that needed state of equibrilum.

You realise that the whole extrovert/introvert thing is just a psychological theory, yes? You're asserting it as some kind of definitive fact, which is frankly ridiculous.
Few experts in the field agree with the theory as you have outlined, these days, and the main psychometric tests used are now seen as outdated and unreliable.

I mean, its a nice essay you've written their, but its all supposition mixed with very old research and your personal opinions (mostly about yourself and how fascinating you think you are!)

there

I feel EXACTLY the same as you, OP.

I have two children, five and 22 months, and I crave silence and solitude so desperately I could weep. The 3.5 hours between DC1 being back from school and DH getting home test my sanity to its limit. I love them but I'm looking forward to when they're older and don't need 100% of me 100% of the time.

In the meantime, there's

I found this with DS1. Had to be everything to him - parent, playmate, plaything at times! Very tough.

Now I have 4dcs it's much easier, I can set them up with something and supervise much more often. I've always been very keen on rewarding them playing well together and it's mostly a pleasure.

I do have a very hands on DH, a non-rush hour commute to work and my job only involves me communicating with my team and colleagues.

I'm a social introvert too and I struggle frequently with the lack of silence - I have two rambunctious boys but I've found my own way to cope - an early bedtime for them and an understanding DH for an hour at the end of the day (i.e. He doesn't make me engage for a while)...

Without that I'd explode much more often, BTW it gets easier, I was never an amazing 'baby/toddler' mum but I'm an amazing pre-teen mum!

So what are you saying, TheOnly? That everybody has the same needs as everybody else? That there is no difference between my father, who feels lonely and forlorn if left to entertain himself for a few hours, and my mother, who gets stressed to the point of tears if she can't have time alone on a regular basis?

If the terminology used irritates you, surely that doesn't alter the common observation that different people get stressed by different things?

Yes I am very fascinating Theonly I struggle to hide it! Sometimes though, I feel so driven to let everyone know how wonderful and superior I am, I just have to let everyone know! So I find threads filled with people asserting things of which they plainly know nothing and tell them how deliberately rude and unsociable they are in comparison to my good self. Thereby demonstrating my superior empathy, intellect and charm of which they lack. It is hard, being this amazing.

I'm saying its really not as simple as introvert/extrovert and that people use those labels as excuses for behavior, either perfectly normal or otherwise.

Do we have any proof that the OP's behaviour is bad, TheOnly? I thought this was a thread about her feelings. For all we know, her external behaviour may be the epitome of perfect motherhood. I remember screaming inside at this stage of my life: I never, ever screamed at my dc.

Who said it was? I think you're misreading.

Well, where else was the relevance of saying that people use those labels as excuses for behaviour? The thread is about the OP's experience of motherhood, is it not?

Yanbu, I live for when my kids have a holiday with their dad. I spend most of the time on own in silence

I live them, and if anything every appended my life would be over. But I still love the alone time

MUMMY, MUMMY, MUMMEEEEEEEEEEE

Well, you know what I'm going to say....my ds's are teens now and have started shutting themselves in bedrooms- with doors firmly shut- and don't want to talk to me much, and I've been looking forward to this stage, and relish the peace, but yes, I do miss some of the chatter and funnyness of their early years .

true that