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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think being an introvert and a Mother is like a living torture

126 replies

Iwantpinotgrigio · 12/03/2017 16:52

Not all introverts feel like this I know but I do!

I've a lot of friends and in some ways I'm extroverted. I'm out going in that I enjoy socialising with friends and have always been chatty at work.

But I only like people to an extent and before I had children, while I was chatty all day at work, I would want to come home to an empty, silent house.

I loved living with family but had to spend a lot of the time in my room reading a book or on the internet.

If I had a social event on a Saturday I needed Sunday alone to 'recover'. If I went days without talking to anyone I felt lonely so I do like company.

When I met my partner I had my son but we didn't stay together. I enjoyed the baby stage until my Son was 1 year old,but once he started wanting someone to play with I found things such a chore.

I'm sure I'm not depressed.

My son is now 4 and he never shuts up. I feel like I am going absolutely mad. I have to do pretend play with him. I have play dates which means I have to endure chatting to mums from school

He constantly talks to me and wants help with something. Just now I've been summoned to help with pulling stickers off his activity book.

Then there's the tantrums which I have to deal with. He's actually a well heaved child but I just find his constant talking an absolute torture. I can read while he's playing and do go on here a lot but I can't do either properly without having to interrupt what I'm doing every 5 mins to play with him or chat to him.

He climbs on me a lot too.

I understand this is just the way children are and I'm not trying to change him.

When he's gone to bed I'm too tired to do much but do immediately turn all TV off and have a bath and read a book.

I never realised how much silence was an essential part of my life and how much it means to my wellbeing and stress levels.

My son is in school and I work but this makes no difference. I still spend almost all my free time with him (no family support and his dad barely sees him).
I love my Son and when he's older I'm sure we will have a wonderful bond. But right now, all I really want is silence. To go home from work to silence. Wake up to silence. To read a book. To be alone. I just want to be alone! Completely alone in complete silence!

AIBU?

OP posts:

MrsJayy · 12/03/2017 18:14

Dd2 was like a frigging budgie all day chirp chirp chirp it drove me nuts and it is hard to find the energy to listen to it I used to invent headaches so she would shush

SallyInSweden · 12/03/2017 18:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CigarsofthePharoahs · 12/03/2017 18:22

I know this feeling op.
My eldest was a great baby and toddler, happy to play with me or on his own and napped well. I got my down time.
Even when I was expecting #2 and he was getting old for naps he was happy to spend about an hour playing upstairs during what would have been nap time so I could rest Netflix and have a break.
Now...
#2 is the polar opposite and needs constant attention and #1 has got rather more chatty and demanding.
I just feel like crashing out some days, but I know I can't!
Love them to bits though.

GiraffesAndButterflies · 12/03/2017 18:25

My son is now 4 and he never shuts up. I feel like I am going absolutely mad. I have to do pretend play with him.

You don't have to. I find it better if I do something like draw / cook / go out somewhere with my 4yo, then we get quality time together that way, I can say no to pretend play without feeling too guilty, and she's less needy for it if we've had another activity. Pretend play is the most draining thing imaginable IMO, its bloody awful.

ChasingAPinkBall · 12/03/2017 18:27

Extroverted Introvert is a thing.

YANBU. Or if you are so am I! I feel exactly the same.
I had 2 because we'd always planned on having 2 kids (before I knew the realities! Ha!) but also in the hope that they'll play together and leave me alone for a bit!
They do thankfully, but are only little still so not for long!

I've kinda accepted now that I'm not going to be getting the quiet I need every day but I do try where I can. I've "trained" the kids to play on their own for short times and I have to build up the energy for evenings out so that happens about once a month.

I've also accepted that I have to go to bed really early to recharge enough for the morning. I sometimes wonder why I'm so so bone tired on an evening and I think it is the constant chatter and noise sapping me of my mental energy!

spiderlight · 12/03/2017 18:35

I am very, very introverted with the world's most extroverted and talkative son. He's hilarious and delightful and I love the very bones of him and wouldn't have it any other way but I do get exhausted by it. It's better now he's older and can entertain himself, but I remember the desperate need for silence when he was home with me all day and mummy-mummy-mummy-ing non-stop. He's an only child (not entirely through choice though in our case) and I think that makes it more intense.

KitKat1985 · 12/03/2017 18:36

YANBU OP. I have a two year old and a 4 month old and I yearn for silence and some time to myself. I know things will get easier, but I'm a natural introvert and the constant noise just does my head in.

Munchkin1412 · 12/03/2017 18:38

Yep, it's tough. I find I really needn't my space after bedtime so I tend to go into the bedroom while oh stays in living room - not ideal really! A bath and book usually sorts me out - and I took a random day off for my birthday last week just so I could spend the day alone pottering round the house in peace, it was bliss! I hate baby groups - dear god it was tough. But got better when I realised actually I didn't have to make friends or chat, it was just for dd to be social. Although got a nursery mum's night out next week so feeling the pressure for that now...dreading play dates. Luckily my two best friends have kids around the same age so I can probably just play date with them. Hopefully.

TENSHI · 12/03/2017 18:39

Get a babysitter as often as you can afford so you can have 'me time'.

LlandudnoLlandudno · 12/03/2017 18:39

I'm the same OP. I do love how interactive DS is now that he is over a year but once he is in bed I just crash. Trying to enjoy it though knowing that once he is a teenager I will probably think the house is too quiet 😁

SewMeARiver · 12/03/2017 18:39

I lived for soft play. Pack book/magazine. Find spot away from other mums or next to mums who know each other well and will ignore you. Sit and read book/magazine while ds throws himself in pool of balls. Very little chance of actual accident, and little interaction needed other than 'oooh that's nice.' 'Be careful' etc. Was my mental saviour.

IonaNE · 12/03/2017 18:40

YANBU re. the title of your post. This is why, like a pp, I have decided never to have children.

But YABU for this: I had no idea what having a child would be like
I mean, you must have seen children in public places and you must have been able to imagine what it would be like to have one for yourself 24/7.

AML84 · 12/03/2017 18:44

BusterTheBulldog are we the same person?

Fruitboxjury · 12/03/2017 18:46

YANBU. Thank you for articulating this so openly, I completely identify

Madasahattersteaparty123 · 12/03/2017 18:48

Oh this is so me. I love them to bits but frequently dream about running away for the weekend.

SloanePeterson · 12/03/2017 18:52

I think it's the relentlessness of it that's so hard. Especially as a single parent. I met my dh when I had 3 dc and had been alone for a while and I so so enjoy and appreciate knowing that I can leave them with him for an hour if I need to go for a walk and block out the world. I need that downtime so much. It'll improve when he goes to school hopefully x my youngest started full time in September and it's liberating not to have to be his sole entertainment all day

yorkshirepuddingandroastbeef · 12/03/2017 18:56

Could you change jobs to do something more solitary? Then you would at least have the energy to deal with him when you get home.

As a fellow introvert, I totally get where you are coming from. I don't have children thankfully and as happy as I was at work I always used to feel relieved to get home to quiet!

charlestrenet · 12/03/2017 18:57

Yanbu. I was walking to work recently and saw a colleague so waved to her and she said "I didn't want to interrupt you because I know this is the only time you get all day when you're alone". I could have hugged her! (Of course I didn't because I'm an introvert!)

I do love my kids but the constant stream of conversation "mummy mummy mummy" by Christ it's exhausting. Some days especially when they were younger it felt like every day was a prolonged sensory assault and would fantasise about being in one of those silent black tanks filled with water. On Mars.

Lottapianos · 12/03/2017 18:58

Buster, i feel the same. I have had my fair share of broodiness and longing for a family of my own, but i really don't think i would cope at all well with the reality of day to day parenting. I couldn't cope with constant chatter and need for affection. i think i would end up constantly ratty, anxious and overwhelmed and that's not the sort of parent i would want to be

BusterTheBulldog · 12/03/2017 19:03

*AML84' depends, are you also wondering if you have a second glass of wine one or not will that lead to the inevitable third which is never sensible the next Monday morning

lotta yes that's exactly how I feel. My husband would definitely do his fair share too, but I can't help but think that a big burden would still be on me!

onceandneveragain · 12/03/2017 19:07

I don't think you can be an extroverted introvert! It sounds contradictory.

I know the traditional thinking is 'Introverts like being alone and quiet, extroverts are sociable and noisy,' but I've read a lot of articles recently that define them differently, i.e. 'while Introverts can very much enjoy spending time with people, they recharge by being on their own - they become distressed when they don't have down time. In the same way, extroverts can happily manage living on their own/working in less interactive fields, but they need a certain amount of social interaction to renergise themselves. Too much solitude can have a negative effect on their mental health.'

This makes a lot more sense to me, and explains why lots of introverts can be very sociable, and hold down jobs that involve a lot of interaction with others - as long as they get some time to renenergise themselves by being alone. I agree being a parent makes it v.v. hard to do that - particularly if you don't have a DP on the scene.

I think some introverted parents balance it by having less engaging jobs (or working at home a few days a week), or having long commutes, paying for childcare a few days a week/or outsourcing to family! even if not strictly needed, or just sharing childcare with partner so they have some time off. I think this is why a lot of people spend so much time on their hobbies or in the gym - it's a way of obtaining and justifying that quiet time without having to go all Greta Garbo on their loved ones!

user1471453601 · 12/03/2017 19:10

Have you ever read Myers Briggs definition of an introvert? If not, their definition is someone who recharges their batteries by being alone/having space/quiet places.

DD and I are typical of this. We've both worked in jobs that require presentations, and find that challenging but not uncomfortable to do this. Ask either of us to go to a party? We will both shudder.

I recall first doing the Myers Briggs questionnaire, one of the questions asked if you would rather go fir a walk in the wood to relax, or go to a party. I was aghast. How would/could anyone prefer the party. Turns out, a lot of people would rather do that.

Once DD got to an age when I could, I spent far too long in the bath, it seemed like the only place I could get what I considered to be, peace

Sittinginthesun · 12/03/2017 19:28

I have also been told that I am an extroverted introvert! Apparently, there are only a very small number of us.

I need to socialise, but I need space and quiet too. Every Myers Briggs type test I have done confirms this.

user1471453601 · 12/03/2017 19:35

Sitting, the Myers Briggs thing brought us (DD and I) such a lot of pleasure. We both knew we were "odd", as in "unusual" but also knew the definition was so so true

ThighBrows · 12/03/2017 19:44

How can that entire aspect of parenting have come as a surprise to you? All that you every hear or read about from people who chose to have a kid is how exhausting, unsanitary, drudgery and relentless it is. Followed up with 'er..all worth it though.'

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