To think lots of MNers don't really know what it's like to raise a child with NO support network?

[notanothernamechangebabes]

I've read a few posts lately (and I do understand the POV of the posters) with people being annoyed by small children being taken to parties/ the hairdresser/ lunches/ weddings etc etc

I'm not arguing that they have a right to be annoyed - of course they do- but lots of the responses seem not to understand that for some people, they are parenting with literally NO day to day support network- family far away, no friends with kids, DP working all hours ... I'm one of them. I'm also breastfeeding and can't express- so can't leave DS with a babysitter at the moment.

I don't dispute that yes, there are some places it would be nice to get a break from kids... but AIBU to think MN could show a bit more compassion for women who have no choice but to cart their kids everywhere- or basically cut themselves off from their old lives, and never go to a pub/ wedding/ hairdresser/ naice restaurant etc again?

(Donning hard hat)

Sorry last time I'll say this

I am NOT whinging about my circumstances. I don't feel they're particularly hard compared to most. I did choose DS. I did choose to EBF. I don't regret it. I don't want it to sound like I think life is terrible for me.

It isnt. It's lovely. Just logistically difficult sometimes.

But I am talking about a general vibe on the site that I thought I picked up on, and must feel a bit disheartening for mums IRL who also have no support network (but most likely have more on their plates than I do).

There's a background assumption that everyone has some support, I agree, just as there's an assumption everyone has money.

Obv there are lots of places I wouldn't take DC, and I wouldn't expect other young kids to be there either! E.g. bars, really naice restaurants, cinema, theatre, spa etc. But most places are fine if you're considerate!

I was a little shocked at the BBC newreader thread, a lot of posters seem to think she was the nanny, on my facebook, most of them assumed the mother. It was an interesting moment.

I don't really have a support network, apart from my partner, as such, but unlike a lot of people, in a pinch I could find someone to look after DS.

Wow, Toy ... sorry you have so much ire. I posted here for honesty but did you mean to be so personal and rude?

There's no point reiterating what I've said before again, but I'll say sorry again and leave it at that with you.

There's a background assumption that everyone has some support, I agree, just as there's an assumption everyone has money

Where are you people getting this nonsense from? A cursory glance shows endless threads about having no money, how to make a chicken last a week, lowering food budgets, saving money, benefits questions etc etc.
It's patently obvious that many people have fuck all money.

Indeed

Try starting a thread about elderly parents, about struggling with your child's school, about wanting to leave your husband.

Actually for me, the dilemma is nobody to look after DS while I have cervical ablation next month

In solidarity with you here, in fact all your OP. My three teenagers had to go in to temporary foster care when I had my youngest because I have no surviving relatives and have to live three hundred miles from my home area and have no friends at all where I am now. Every day life is a real challenge and I never complain but it does piss me off when people who have got a partner and other support take it for granted

im raising a 2 year old and a 5 month old with no dp, no friends and no family. its fucking shit and its not until you are where i am right now you would ever understand. i have very limited funds so i have to choose very carefully what is important enough to pay the childminders for. i also went for a hair cut with my 2 the other day, after 3 years of a hell on earth relationsholip where i wasnt allowed my hair cut.. it did my mental health so much good.

You see beth and stunt - is admittedly in a better childcare position than you as have DP when he's here- but you two are exactly the sort of mums I meant, who might find some of the MN assumptions dispiriting.

Major admiration for both of you.

DH is at home right now with all 3 kids and a broken foot. I am here at work and have been every single day since Jan 3rd. We are all exhausted. We are expats and are 3000 miles from family. We have to pay for whatever help we need. It is very expensive.

A lot of people here in MN have no clue what no support means. Last night I got home from work at 9:45pm and went straight to the supermarket, made food for the family for the next two days so all DH has to do is reheat, did the dishes and two loads of laundry. I got to bed at 1am, only to get up at 6am to get the kids fed their breakfast, help DH down the stairs so he could shower and get to the doctor for his checkup and did a conference call at 7am with my offshore team.

I am exhausted and it's almost 2pm. I have a function I have to go to at 6pm tonight with DH and will get home for 11pm, only to work through the night so I can get reports up to my partner in time for them to review before Monday. Tomorrow I also need to work on my other client because I have a meeting with the partner in the PM on Monday. Again, DH is completely immobile.

I would normally just call the nanny in but there is a limit to how many hours someone can work. She has worked 6 day weeks for the past three weeks and it is too much for her. I saw how tired she was yesterday and I don't want to burn her out.

Next week my friend wants to do brunch for her birthday with just the girls (sadly my two girls under the age of 18 don't count!). I really can't justify leaving my kids with DH again while I swan off to brunch. I think DH would leave me and you guys would be telling him to LTB!

As I know what it's like to have no support I always accommodate additional kids. Birthday parties are always inclusive of siblings and in general, if having a playdate with one kid the siblings are also invited along while I will tell the other parent to go take a break.

and i do mean it when i say i have no support.

i was in a violent, emotional torturing relationship where i was raped repeatedly, beaten, even attempted to be killed whilst 36 weeks pregnant. as part of that i lost all my friends and i never had much family to begin with. two days after i finally got out of the relationship my alcoholic mother who isnt allowed near the kids ended up in icu and now has liver failure which she will never recover from.

i have spent the last 2 months trying to rebuild our lives, financially, emotionally and practically whilst doing the usual day to day living. my youngest was in and out of hospital until 10 weeks old, even at his worse it meant their father was still there to watch our dd. if that was to happen now my oldest would go into foster care, like wise if i were to get poorly they both would.

i got yelled at in a shop last saturday because youngest was screaming and in the time it took me to get his dummy out my pocket my dd knocked some envelopes on the floor and i was yelled at for being a stupid young mum (im 23) who clearly shouldnt have kids. i burst into tears because they had no idea but i spend every minute of everyday overwhelmed by guilt and feeling like the worst mother in the world so i wish they had thought just for 1 minute that they have no idea whats going on in my life.

being scared of getting poorly because your kids have no choice but care is absolute bullshit which i wouldnt wish on anyone

I totally get it OP and if you weren't four hours away from me I would happily mind your DS for you. Very, very similar position to you. My DC are 10 and 8 now and it is SO MUCH easier but with a baby, a toddler it was very hard. I never used them and I wish I had but there is a charity who help people in yours and mine's situation by giving you a bit of respite a couple of hours a week. My brain is not working and I can't remember what they are called. Please don't let less understanding posters get to you. It is extremely hard with a young baby and no other support. Best wishes xx

Oh and I have it easy compared to most in my situation. At least we have the money to pay for help. For someone like Beth it is really tough.

Beth Well done for getting your hair done. It is such a huge accomplishment! I have not been able to get mine done since late December/early Jan (can't remember exactly when but I can see that my roots are horrendous!). I can't imagine doing what you are doing on your own with limited funds. It is a very tough spot to be in.

I wish there was a way to really build a network for people that don't have one, being able to get a bit of a break when you need one is hugely important for sanity/good parenting. I've got a tiny one cobbled together after 6 years in a place but it's slow going to build a friendship where you can rely on each other. The reason I mumsnet so much is essentially some sort of loneliness/tiredness/inertia nexus.

Don't ever let anyone judge you for having your child with you, wherever you are. You are BEING A PARENT. I'm a single mum to a five year old with ASD. He can only cope with three hours in school at the moment. I've had to take him to smear tests because of a lack of support. I also hate this crap on MN that assumes posters have tons of accessible family /friends who are willing to step in and take over childcare. And to the 'you've made your choices' crowd - good luck and lets hope your smugness doesn't bite you on the arse. I never guessed I would end up being the single mother of a child with severe SEN. Must be fab being so sure of what the future holds...

High five to that OP, and yeh I am probably one of the despirited ones but it's not just on here it's RL as well. I'm constantly having to explain myself to practically everyone I meet about this issue and it's particularly hard at places like the Job Centre where they don't care.

I will say this to the "you've made your choices so live with them" crew. The OP has, me too, and when I see that a chunk of people are determined to see the worst in it why should anyone take your views into account? If she is told to shut up about her situation, and that her logistical difficulties are all her own fault anyway, why oh why should she go out of her way to accommodate you in any way, in her solution?

Got to agree with this as well. It's not all about choices. My father said he'd do my child care so I could go back to work once he retired but then he got Cancer and died so it never happened. Even the best plans can get ruined and no one can predict what will happen

Beth Whenever you are feeling weak just read that post. You are incredibly strong to be doing what you are doing. Take care of yourself so you can take care of your DC. There is a charity here in the US, Boys and Girls club, that will send a babysitter to your home so you can have a break.

You also might find that your friends are still there for you and are waiting for you to reach out to them. I don't know your situation but I do know that my sister is in a relationship with a man who is an arsehole and he is abusive to my sister. I have distanced myself from her and will always be there for her but I won't have anything to do with her while she is with that man.

I have virtually no support too - it is tough. My DH doesn't seem to think I need a break just for me occasionally but he is there for hospital appointments etc - how single parents do it without lots of money or family support I don't know, but they do - huge respect. Surely, though, part of the point of MN is to allow people to moan and get a bit of support, whatever their situation? I do think this sort of isolation is one of the bad things about the modern world where you're expected to move far away from family and friends for employment.

That's what I found though - the many people with a network of friends and family thought I was some sort of over friendly needy weirdo (hmmm perhaps I am), few were interested in weekend meet ups (their partners were usually around). You also can't pay babysitters to care about your kids - doesn't replace involved friends/family. Always found weekends in my own depressing. It does get better though, it's only under 3s really that are hard to do things with, after that they can watch tv at the hairdressers/appointments or draw etc so it is a small number of years even though it is a limiting time.

being scared of getting poorly because your kids have no choice but care is absolute bullshit which i wouldnt wish on anyone

Same here Beth, it's a real fear that haunts daily. You're an inspiration, stay strong

Dear OP, I'm afraid I'm with Toy. You have made some massive generalisations. There are plenty of people on here without a true support network. You have a DP who chooses to work 12 hour shifts, but there are some who have escaped abusive relationships and others who have split from their partners for other reasons. And then there are some of us who are widows.
Instead of posting about it on mumsnet try opening another window and searching for babysitting or childcare services. Find one and use one - you could go to the hairdressers as a test run before the hospital.
FFS woman, use your initiative!

It's been pretty much just me & dd against the world for the last 14 years.

Even when I was with my ex

A he was pretty useless
B he was in the army, we moved back to uk when dd was 5 months old from overseas posting, a week after we moved (officially you know what it's like it doesn't all happen in one day) he was sent on deployment for 6 months.

I knew NOBODY, I was bf dd and the base we were at was rubbish welfare wise (mainly an initial training base so not many families). I didn't drive, nearest town was 10 miles away, 2 buses a day going there.

To the pp who said 'the military will help' either it's changed a lot in the last 14 years (that's not what I'm hearing from friends still married in) or your experience of the military times with my parents era which was kind of a golden age.

Then the bastard cheated on me and we split. I was stuck in an area I had no friends or family. Couldn't afford to move immediately to anywhere there WERE friends/family.

I gradually made a few friends but they had jobs/kids/caring responsibilities of their own.

Eventually I was able to move nearer to family. Great right? No! And actually yes I shoulda known better because I should know my family. My dad is extremely sick (due to alcoholism) mum is his carer, but mum said she'd provide what support she could - she's babysat once in 9 years! My sister is now a sp but wasn't at the time but mum babysits for her at least twice a week inc overnight every sat night. Since she became a sp mum gives her more help too. Brother lives several hundred miles away (his version of running away from our foo) also he's a policeman so works shifts and at the time was a sp with residency himself. He's emotionally supportive but can't really support practically.

I've been just making ends meet throughout the 14 years, whether I was a student, working ft or now sick & disabled and on benefits so paying for babysitters not an option.

I've had maybe 10 nights out in all that time thanks to friends OCCASIONALLY being able to help out.

So when dd was younger my social life was soft play, round at friends for coffee or them to me, family friendly pub/restaurants, parks in summer. Due to mental health issues I couldn't use a mobile hairdresser/nail tech etc there's no such thing as mobile optician, dr, dentist, healthcare specialist, bank manager, dwp adviser, council housing benefit adviser... So dd had to come to appointments if they were when she wasn't in childcare either because of time of appointment or because I wasn't in work/education at the time.

Luckily dd was pretty well behaved. She is now 16 and notices herself how we have NO support. I am very ill at the moment (both mental & physical health), she has a physical disability and is currently awaiting an initial appointment with cahms as she's been having anxiety symptoms inc panic attacks (which I feel very guilty about as I know parent with mh issues = child at higher risk).

I have a cpn who is getting frustrated herself at how shit my family have been and the lack of support I have (also at the length of waiting lists for 'official' support to kick in but that's a whole other thread!)

No, there are a significant number (not most but not a minority either) of people both on mn and in real life that just 'don't get it'.