To think lots of MNers don't really know what it's like to raise a child with NO support network?

[notanothernamechangebabes]

I've read a few posts lately (and I do understand the POV of the posters) with people being annoyed by small children being taken to parties/ the hairdresser/ lunches/ weddings etc etc

I'm not arguing that they have a right to be annoyed - of course they do- but lots of the responses seem not to understand that for some people, they are parenting with literally NO day to day support network- family far away, no friends with kids, DP working all hours ... I'm one of them. I'm also breastfeeding and can't express- so can't leave DS with a babysitter at the moment.

I don't dispute that yes, there are some places it would be nice to get a break from kids... but AIBU to think MN could show a bit more compassion for women who have no choice but to cart their kids everywhere- or basically cut themselves off from their old lives, and never go to a pub/ wedding/ hairdresser/ naice restaurant etc again?

(Donning hard hat)

Your DP needs to take the day off and there is no work - not even military - that wouldn't be sympathetic to that.

Not that I'm saying military would necessarily get him home if he was away, but they would get other support in place for you.

He needs to take the day off.
When i was with my ex if he wouldn't have taken the day off for my surgery I would have ripped into him. He was an arse in most ways, but surgery he always stepped up.

And no not all have a support network. Some are also lone parents with no family. That is truly a shit place to be. Knowing that when you need surgery you have to call SS for help

YANBU OP, I've seen threads where the OP is criticised for needing to take the DC along to things like their older child's nativity play, or doctors appointments etc, with suggestions to get a babysitter for everything. Babysitters cost a lot of money and you can't usually just book them for random half hours here and there! Also, I don't really want to leave my toddler with a random stranger (she does have a childminder but obviously had settling in sessions and got to know her, which is different to getting a stranger to babysit).
I do think that there are places that you really shouldn't take young children though, but there are often alternatives - eg I wouldn't take my toddler to a busy nail salon but I've found a mobile nail technician who comes to my house. I wouldn't take the DC to an expensive restaurant or bar with loud music, but family restaurants are fine.
BTW I do have support from my DH most weekends so do get occasional time to myself, I really feel for those who get none at all.

When people say they are the 1st of their friends to have kids please don't be afraid to ask you childless friends if they would babysit I was always delighted to be able to help x

Childcare isn't the only support though is it?

Dd was very much wanted and a long time coming when I very unexpectedly got pregnant (1 month into a new job... Sod's law if I ever heard it) I thought I knew what I was getting into. I had no clue.

I love her deeply but in some was that just serves to highlight how shit I am at this malarkey.

I have no parents/siblings (well two in theory but one is very ill and one I haven't seen for years....both male and 200 miles away) and dp comes from a large but not very close and very spread out family. Nearest is 1.5 hours drive away.

We had just moved to a new area and knew no one except a couple that we used to socialise with on a very shallow level.

I have never felt so isolated and utterly distraught in my life. I was at the point of internet researching adoption when dd was about 3 months old. There was no one to turn to when I was wobbling over what I was doing, there was no ones house to pop round for a coffee and 15 minutes normality. Dp was as shell shocked as I was. Plus the reasons (whatever they may be) you're alone all bubble to the surface and intensify it all.

I don't think anyone who hasn't been there can truest empathise to be honest.

I don't have a support network but I did avoid situations where I knew there was a high likelihood of my baby annoying other (often paying) customers e.g. going to the theatre or cinema. Finding a suitable pub or restaurant isn't actually that hard.

When my mother died, in my teens, I knew I'd lost a mother, of course, but it's only as I've got older I'm starting to understand just what I've lost.

I agree to an extent.

You have a dp though so you're one step ahead of many lone parents.

To be honest I think its quite unusual to be in a situation where you don't have someone who'll step in to look after your DS while you have an important medical procedure.

I don't know anyone who wouldn't be able to ask their DP to take time off work for that, even those with DPs in very high pressure jobs. I don't know what your DP does but it must be really very unusual if he is working 7-7, 7 days a week, for an extended period of time (is that even legal?)

I think that's why it's hard to understand, because actually I think it's quite rare.

I just want to say again, as i did upthread, that I'm talking about a more general vibe on mumsnet- and using myself, and stuff I've seen on the site, as an example.

I don't think I have it especially hard, and my DS is my sun and my moon- I don't resent a second of time I spend with him- or anything I give up to care for him.

My DP truly is at the moment working as hard as I say. And it's fine. It won't be like this forever- (he isn't military, thank god. I really don't know how military mums do it.)

But I just think MN - and not for me in particular, but all posters- whilst great at offering online support- isn't an especially understanding environment for women who have no actual IRL support network.

That's all.

I agree with that helter, my best friend doesn't have kids and has babysat my ten month old DD a couple of times and they both had a great time. I had to give her a bit more guidance than I would someone who'd already had kids but otherwise it was fine.

Some posters yes.
Some cannot see outside their tiny bubble to realise that others have different lives, have different support and have different incomes.
Just like some think it's fine to let their kids run riot in cafes and restaurants, and who think making loads of noise in a cinema is completely fine

I get it op. Doesn't annoy me particularly but I do find myself regularly explaining to people why I can't do something or come somewhere. I get a lot of blank looks .
I do agree that children are a pain in the arse in certain scenarios, so I don't take them anywhere. I don't even go to the shops with them because there's always someone rolling their eyes at you, which is the last thing you need with two small children when you're barely clinging onto your own sanity as it is.
My life is the park, school run and home, with the occasional soft play date or coffee at a friend's. It's fine, having them was my decision and I'm happy I made the right choice. I don't mind sacrificing in the early years, and I can see the light at the end of the tunnel as they get older and slightly more sensible.
I am stopping at two dc, even though I would love a big brood, because I just don't think it's feasible without any family support. I mean - we could do it, but it wouldn't be enjoyable. My dh and I recently had our first ever lunch together without a child in nearly 5 years! It was lovely, more of that please!!

Which now i come to think of it, is ironic, because I imagine lots of women come here because of that gap.

I'll be back later because DP is unexpectedly home an hour early!!! If I'd known I'd obvi have booked into the salon. As it is, I might get to go for a poo in peace

Hope I've not annoyed anyone with this. I knew I'd get lots of opinions on AIBU- I really haven't posted for sympathy for my own situation- just a good place for hearty debate.

(Hat off for a bit)

But I just think MN - and not for me in particular, but all posters- whilst great at offering online support- isn't an especially understanding environment for women who have no actual IRL support network

Large numbers of MN'ers have little to no support network either, so that really makes little sense. You seem to have this idea that we all have gp's and families and so on, and its nonsense.

But your DP chooses to be at work 12 hours a day 7 days a week. Thats a choice you have both made, and that is why you can'r do certain things. Don't blame other people or think that its other peoples job to accomodate your choices.

Yanbu OP

A lot of people don't understand, especially on MN - this thread is a good example. A couple of colleagues have become parents for the first time and have said to me "I don't know how you do it, I couldn't cope without my parents / sister / PIL". We have 2 young DC and our nearest help is 4 hours away.

Not complaining, but judging from the replies on this thread many people just cannot understand how hard the logistics of child rearing can be when it's just you and DP and you both work.

Blimey Toy if you read my responses, you'll see I'm not asking for sympathy/ not blaming anyone/ not ever really asking the question for myself. I'm asking about a general feeling on the site that I've picked up on.

I've obviously annoyed you quite significantly- I hope not because you're having a really hard time yourself and this has felt like comparatively privileged whinging- if so, apologies.

Your DP is entitled to take time off to look after his child, and you, if you are having a surgical procedure.

You made your bed. No one else did. You had a child knowing the situation would be as it was for those sort of circumstances.

Try making new friends and a social circle that would help. Meetup.com is great for similar Mums.

I did it, but without a DP.
I had no choice but not go to those places because I wouldn't inflict them on her, or her on them.

Remember OP, much as your situation might be a bit crap, others do have it the same or worse

The dogs bark but the caravan/baby buggy passes on in our case! We have no local support network and I'm fucked if we're just staying at home until DC is 5!

Today she's (18 months) been shopping at m&s, to the hairdresser with me, out for a pub lunch and then into some fancy shops on bond st. When she got fussy, we distracted her or one of us took her for a walk so she didn't disturb others, as we always do (in days gone by, that used to send her off to sleep for a few hours, sigh). And nobody has ever complained.

If they did, when she was being quiet and good, I'd tell them to get lost- to be fair, nobody has ever complained about her, so we've been lucky. There are some amazingly kind people out there who love entertaining kids too! If she's being a pest, I'd take her out. Consideration on both sides I think :)

Are you reading a different thread? Its not a good example of any such thing.
OP doesn't work anyway.

I think it's a matter of need really isn't it? Regardless of support network when you have kids you do need to make choices about whether or not you actually need rather than want to do something.

Nobody needs to go for a manicure or to a party where it's not really appropriate to drag along a bored child who doesn't want to be there.

And even if you need to do something there is often a more appropriate way to do it with kids in tow. I would say that haircuts are pretty essential, but why not get a mobile hairdresser to come to your house rather than going to a salon? Much more appropriate and less boring for kids.

And going for a glass of wine or a meal, there are lots of family friendly pubs and restaurants out there, best to go to one of them. But going to a sophisticated wine bar where it's an adult atmosphere and there are a lot of business customers: less so.

I had no support network either and used to daydream about getting something like appendicitis so I would have to go to hospital and have an excuse for being on my own in peace for a bit!

if you read my responses, you'll see I'm not asking for sympathy/ not blaming anyone/ not ever really asking the question for myself

That isn't true. You started off asking for compassion because you think its unfair that people expect you not to take small children to hairdressers and pubs!

You have annoyed me actually. You seem to think that you are in some lesser position that the vast majority and everyone else has something you don't, when compared to many you are relatively privileged. It's irritating.