To be annoyed at the situation we've ended up in?

[twolittleboysonetiredmum]

I should have seen this coming but genuinely didn't.
We have 3 chn born in the last 5 years. I was taken on part time approx a year before our first was born and have remained so since whilst my husband has worked full time. This was the only way we'd have been able to afford to live with childcare fees etc and as I was already part time (and breastfeeding etc) it made sense to stay so.
Our jobs have always been on a par financially and responsibility wise so any days off for appts/sickness etc have been shared between us.
However, my DH is now applying for the next step up in his job and I'm really pissed off at the idea of it.
It's going to mean my job, again, will have to take a back seat. (I've been trying to return full time as being part time in or profession = no career progression) his promotion will mean he'll be home later and less so I'll have to do more at home. It'll also mean that I'll have to take on all the sick days, appts etc
I should've seen this coming when I stayed part time for the kids but I'm still really irked at the fact he can get moving in his career and I'm frozen, or actually going backwards in the sense that I'll have to focus more on the family again than trying to push ahead and make up for lost time. I'm not expecting a solution just ranting at my stupidity at a standard situation for lots of parents I'm sure

I think you need to be grateful
For what you do have. A husband in a good job, you able to work part time and also spend quality time with your children. In fact you have the best of all worlds. If you want to go full time then why don't you. As your children get older childcare would be less as they go into full time education. You may have to 'skimp' for a while but some people do whatever it takes. I am a single mum who works full time. I don't have a cleaner or a nanny and I still make time for my children. You can't always have things on a plate sometimes you have to make a little sacrifice and be grateful for the life you have.

This female martyrdom over children really depresses me.

I in no way whatsoever see myself as a martyr. I want to spend this time with my kids. They grow up so fast, and I will have time to get my career back on track, but if I miss their young years - well, that's time nobody ever gets back.

Part time teaching jobs like hens teeth

Op, part time jobs are like hens teeth in any career. Being a single parent I have to find a part time job, and it's close to impossible, even with all my qualifications and experience.

Why don't you want more money or status op?

Being a parent around for your children, if you can afford to work part time is an important job too. You chose to have children. They will appreciate it. A career if you can afford to work part time isn't everything. You can pick it up later ok not to the same level as if you didn't have children, but be grateful you have children and the ability to work part time. I know I am. Your children will benefit no end.

Something has to give when you have children as a pp mentioned.

Unless you split up it's a benefit to both of you that your husband does well and seems petty to be annoyed about that.

If you don't want your daughter to follow the same path then you need to show her a differnent one. They tend to copy their main role models.

He'd have no choice but to pick up more at home if you worked FT but obviously doesn't now as you are home far more so it's part of your role whilst he works more to pay the bills.

Most careers can be done whilst being a parent too, regardless of gender. It depends on the person, their work ethic and their mindset. There's no rule book that says women must stop working, do a few hours or that their man simply wouldn't be able to work without them.

It is frustrating to a point but you can't have everything. There is always a compromise. Your DH will be taking a hit when it comes to more hours at work, not seeing his children. He perhaps feels he takes the chance when able - in life often second chances don't happen.
You can have it all, but usually not all at once.

I have 3 DC aged 5 and under. Middle child has ASD. I work FT as does DH. We also live 3000 miles away from family so have no support network beyond friends in our town.

You can work FT and have 3DC. It isn't easy but it is doable. Figure out what you need childcare wise. Make it happen.

Are able to apply for working tax credit which pays for utpo 70% of nursery fees?
On a positive note,atleast he gets to progress which is better than to stagnate .A promotion means more cash for future...in another 5 years,you will look back and smile.
Am a full time student with 2 kids under 3 and DH is always travelling on work...can't be helped.
I just live for the holidays 😎

There is a conflict between having lots of time with children, having a happy band of little things under 5 who need 100% attention basically and a career that moves and progresses because you are at work doing the work and demonstrating ability.

I cannot reconcile your desire for 3 kids under 5 and the feelings that your career is not where you want it. I mean, the law in the UK gives mothers a year of SMP and employers can (but often dont I know) top that up. So how does a career develop when up to 3 out of 5 years can be spent on maternity leave?

I think that some choices and their consequences have to be assessed realistically. The choice to have children and the impact that has, the choice about staying home to raise children and the impact that has, the desire to have a fulfilling career and the impact that has. The pay gap really kicks in now when women stay at home to raise kids but are the government not offering childcare support etc? Whilst not covering everything the choice to stay at home and have a career problem is not limited to childcare costs. After all, many single parents manage full time work.

Ultimately I think it is unfair to feel annoyed at your DPs career progression when it was your choice to limit yours.

It isn't simply that the OP isn't progressing in her career because of her childcare responsibilities though. She's been doing that for a few years and it's not ideal for her but it's been the choice they've made and she's stuck with.

But now, in pursuing progression himself, her DH is looking at a job that will make it harder for the OP to progress, make it harder for her to put in the commitment she's been able to so far at her part time job and will make it harder for her to go back full time when the time comes. He's looking at a job that will leave the OP with more of the grunt work at home, expanding and entrenching an already uneven work-life balance. The OP doesn't have to regret having kids or be jealous of her DH to think that isn't the path she wants her future life to look like.

Thank you boom. I am amazed at some of these replies.

OP blocking your DH's opportunities is a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Let him go for it but work to getting yourself FT and setting up a support system (cleaners, nanny) to aid this.

I am a single parent to 2dds and work ft in a demanding role. It's tough but not impossible. I use a cleaner and after school care and use my annual leave when children are sick or have appointments.

I hear lots of women who are part time or SAhMm say 'oh it's impossible for me to work/work FT' because of the demands of the children and sometimes that's right but in some cases I think they've just gotten used to the way that they've been juggling in the time they have. If you had no choice - like many single parents - you'd just make it work.

Your DP will resent you if you block His opportunity for your opportunity which hasn't yet appeared.

Op I also meant to add that in all likelihood you'll probably end up being the person doing the bulk of childcare and life admin re the house and kids whether you work ft or part time. Sucks but it's the case for most women. SO best to try to go ft and make it work for you while you slowly try to train your husband to take on some of the work.

OP I sympathise - I'm in a kind of similar position except I'm a SAHM and I've been offered a role with an amazing company. However my DH is at a critical point in his career having just accepted a promotion and he said he can't take a step back - BUT after almost 4 years out if I don't go back then things are basically totally messed up for my career as everything moves on!!

I'm due to go into the City for meetings with this company but I have no idea what will happen with the children. I'm hoping once I know exactly how my new role will work then somehow childcare will fall into place but I'll take the brunt of organising it all and all rob responsibility for drop offs and pick ups.

We had a bit of a show down yesterday and I went and worked some things out re childcare and when I came back to DH he told me to wait 2 mins while he finished some game on his phone. But it was his whole attitude that ground me down - because I've been home with the kids all this time it's like if I go back to work he'll expect me to just still sort the kids out likes it's not his problem.

I really need this job - great company brilliant prospects I'm so lucky after all this time out they're interested in me - I'm just hoping it will all fall into place. Wishful thinking perhaps

I think you need to go back to work full time. I am a sahm and although I am happy to be so, I know that it has cost me in terms of a career. If you don't 100% want to be the be the one who is msanly responsible for the dc/home, then that resentment to your dh will grow. That isn't good for your family. You are lucky because you have identified this as a problem before it actually becomes one. Too many women only find out when it is too late.
I think that if your dh is going to go for the promotion then he needs to negotiate a higher salary to compensate for his time - he has to earn enough to pay for more childcare or cleaner, so you are freed up to start working on your own career.

If that is unrealistic then you have to make clear to him that his responsibilities at home remain the same and that you want your turn. He had 3 kids too - it wasn't just you and he might have to take a career hit if it is truly impossible to manage childcare around his new job without throwing your dreams under the bus.

Whatever logistical decision you make, don't fall into prioritising his ambitions over yours, when you clearly don't want to.

X posted with pain. That is reason right there for not letting this just happen. Her h is completely taking her for granted - he can't step back? No, he doesn't see why he should because a situation has been allowed to develop where he thinks he is more important than her.

pain, please take that job. Force your h to step up and please don't allow him to make everything to do with the kids your problem.

Thanks aderyn2016 come rain or shine I will work this out. Sorry for slightly hijacking post OP.

Me too stealth. Posters telling the OP she should be grateful for her part time role because it's what they want to do, seriously need to give their heads a wobble. Part time isn't good luck or a privilege or an opportunity if it isn't what the person concerned actually wants! To say nothing of lecturing OP about responsibility with nary a thought for her DH doing the same. Urgh.

Btw I work part time, and there's about as much chance of me wanting to go full time as there is of me being the next Pope. But some of us are able to see beyond our own circumstances, and realise that what suits us doesn't suit everyone.

I have been through exactly this! The only advice I would give is, think of this as a temporary phase.

I spent about 5 years at home, and panicked a lot during the time about my career, my friends' promotions and was desperate to get back to my career. But guess what, after 5 years, when I did get back, the family was fairly self sufficient and I didn't feel guilty at all about working long hours.. and I worked so hard, took on so many projects I didn't have to, I moved up the career ladder very quickly. Now I've actually gone above all those peers I was so worried about!

This may be a good thing that is happening to you - a reasonably relaxed schedule until the DCs are older, and then you can go and work like crazy! And from my experience, the missing of a few promotions may not mean anything in the long run! And DH will have to pick up the slack when you are in a better role than him in the future ;)

I'm with you OP on this. My career stalled for a number of years and I am now just earning (10 years later) more than pre-dc.and now more than DH from my 'little PT job'.
PT is absolutely NOT the holy grail when you hold a senior position - you don't just get to walk away from your desk and not do any more until your next scheduled hours. Its a horrendous juggling act (especially when you do school runs/ clubs / homework / shopping / catering /admin) because you have 'more hours' available.
Dh does step in and do dropoff/pickup and sick days etc but I have to organise it all. Going out to work ft with someone else organising everything would be WAY easier in my book.
So we juggle and its ok but hard.

OP if I were you I think I would go for the FT job and take it from there 😊

Your DH works full time and should take a promotion, seems common sense and should not be conflated with your full/part time dilemma.

You are not in a trap, you have made choices and are here by your design, no one forced you. If you want to work full time then work full time and get childcare just like most other people have to do.

If you want to have 'more' time with your children then stay part time but don't blame it on your DH or on some sort of female oppression. Its your choice.

Most families I know don't have the luxury of being part time, so your already miles ahead. Some choose to be a stay at home dad/mum, some have to work full time and use child care.

Just seems you are making up excuses to justify something.

Anon, that is total horse shit. OP made a choice based in her dh's current job. She is now evaluating what choices she needs to make in the light of his potential new job. It is not always as easy as saying both partners can work fill time and get childcare - it rather depends on the nature of their jobs, whether they can afford childcare, whether the right childcare exists in their area etc.
These are not things for the OP to sort out by herself - her dh should also be taking them into account when considering his choices.
And PT is not always a wonderful solution. Sonetimes you just get the worst of both worlds.