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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at the situation we've ended up in?

150 replies

twolittleboysonetiredmum · 11/03/2017 06:51

I should have seen this coming but genuinely didn't.
We have 3 chn born in the last 5 years. I was taken on part time approx a year before our first was born and have remained so since whilst my husband has worked full time. This was the only way we'd have been able to afford to live with childcare fees etc and as I was already part time (and breastfeeding etc) it made sense to stay so.
Our jobs have always been on a par financially and responsibility wise so any days off for appts/sickness etc have been shared between us.
However, my DH is now applying for the next step up in his job and I'm really pissed off at the idea of it.
It's going to mean my job, again, will have to take a back seat. (I've been trying to return full time as being part time in or profession = no career progression) his promotion will mean he'll be home later and less so I'll have to do more at home. It'll also mean that I'll have to take on all the sick days, appts etc
I should've seen this coming when I stayed part time for the kids but I'm still really irked at the fact he can get moving in his career and I'm frozen, or actually going backwards in the sense that I'll have to focus more on the family again than trying to push ahead and make up for lost time. I'm not expecting a solution just ranting at my stupidity at a standard situation for lots of parents I'm sure

OP posts:
bunnylove99 · 11/03/2017 16:18

Go full time. You will manage it and it will stop you getting bitter about letting the opportunity pass you by. Also, you can at least take comfort in the fact that, as a teacher,you get 8-9 more weeks annual leave than the rest of us in which to recharge your batteries!

MrsAmaretto · 11/03/2017 17:38

I don't understand why you can't go full time - what is it that you are worried will fall apart as a family?

gandalf456 · 11/03/2017 19:22

I wouldn't want to do it with 3 under 5. I find it bad enough working part time now (albeit 5 days a week but short shifts) and I have one at primary and one at secondary!

Sixisthemagicnumber · 12/03/2017 06:35

In the current climate where we have a very real shortage of teaches I don't think it will be too difficult to pick up and progress career wise after a few years part time. So you really have the choice of full time and career progression now or in a few years time.

Penfold007 · 12/03/2017 06:42

You were part time before your children were born.

Bananamanfan · 12/03/2017 12:32

If you read the op's posts penfold it wasn't through choice, it was what was available.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 12/03/2017 14:03

You can have it all, you judge st have so put the effort in. Millions of households have two FT working parents without an army of cleaners, nannies etc.

Teaching jobs are always available, mainly full time as part time is rare.

It's a myth women's careers have to suffer, it's a choice to stop work, go part time, have numerous maternity leaves etc.

Craigie · 12/03/2017 20:21

I know it's a pain in the arse, but I promise it will be better in a few years when you will have more time to focus on your own career again. Understand your frustration at being forced to take a back seat, but unless you want to swap roles, something has to give when the kids are so little.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 12/03/2017 20:28

I've briefly scrolled through the thread (I have to do the motherly things and put the kids to bed - single mother with twins here and no career to speak of, as I gave that up when I chose to have kids).

OP - you keep talking about a 'trap' - to me it comes across as if your kids are somewhat of an inconvenience. I may have it wrong, but to me, when you become a mother, your needs and desires take a back seat for a while, and your kids come first. You chose to have them. A lot of parents would give their right legs to be able to spend more time with their kids while they are young. It's not a trap, it's a privilege to see your kids grow up, and not miss out on so many important things because you're too worried about your career.

I don't mean to sound mean or unsympathetic, that's just my point of view. Now that my DTDs are a bit older, I am trying to get back on the career track, and it's hard, but I'm sure I'll get there. I was there for my kids when they needed me, and to me nothing is more important than that.

SquidgeyMidgey · 12/03/2017 20:35

OP I get where you're coming from, we're in a very similar position except that I gave up teaching for a bit then did 3 years as a ta before returning part time. From what I see now you will be fine as and when you return to full time though why you would want to when ft teaching is 60+ hrs/am is another matter. What progression do you want, are you thinking subject leadership, pastoral...? Might he possible to do either. There is a core subject HoD in my school who works part time.

Sleepsleepnomore · 12/03/2017 21:02

another one who says go back ft and find ways to make it work. Life is too short for resentment, it'll be utterly corrosive. You can predict you will not enjoy this situation and your heart will not be in doing all the wifework so don't do it. Happy, tired parents better than put upon, grumpy bickering parents...work out if you can hire a cleaner if you are both ft, that's where I'd spend any extra money.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 12/03/2017 21:18

Just talk to him. Explain that you've been happy to be part-time for the past number of years (sounds like about 5/6) but you want to step up sometime soon, how does he see that happening? If you just always accept it as 'for the best' for the family then yes, it will always be you taking the career hit, doing the family managing, balancing your wage against childcare, but you could do it differently- take it in turns to take the hit, balance the childcare costs against both salaries, do the family managing together and outsource more of it.

Little children aren't forever and if you are a teacher, you will find a way back in to f/t and to climb any career ladder later on. My career isn't one you can take years and years out of so we took a 'hit' each, with each one doing childcare after each of two children for a couple of years.

You can change this if you want to, I don't think it's inevitable.

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/03/2017 21:19

There is nothing unfair about prioritising you going full time over him going for a promotion. You aren't obliged to take on a domestic role (or more of a domestic role) you don't want so that he can get the career he wants. Especially if it's the career you also want. If you don't want a separation of roles between what you do and what he does, then you need to act now before it becomes more entrenched.

Original poster
twolittleboysonetiredmum · 12/03/2017 21:21

Sorry I've not been replying, I have been reading but not had more time.
Thanks for the posts, they're all food for thought. I don't feel like I'm in a trap when it comes to the chn. Not at all. I think it's the bits that come with being part time I resent that would exist without kids but are obviously larger tasks with e.g. Household admin, cleaning, washing etc that will become even more my role alone with DH job getting bigger and mine staying the same (to put it simply)
Part of me is very aware that I'm lucky to have this time with the kids. I really do see that. Then part of me dislikes my job so much part time and hates the vulnerability and lack of responsibility it offers. I can't remember who said to confront the imbalance with my jobshare sorry, but I've tried that and as she's only temporary that's just my issue to deal with. Ultimately the class need to progress and hit there targets and that's all that matters so whoever is doing the work, so be it.
We have talked further and I'm still no more sure about what to do with my job but DH will go for this one. Without resentment on my part. We will figure it out, whatever changes it involves and I'll just have to see where my job goes.
Funnily, if you'd asked me 6mths ago about whether I want to go full time I'd have straight out said no. I think an unsuccessful jobshare and the baby turning 1 has made me reassess things I guess.

OP posts:
228agreenend · 12/03/2017 21:24

Chris sums up my interpretation of events also. You've had three children in short succession and they are still young. In this situation, someone as to compromise, usually the mother.

However, as many people have suggested, if you want to be a career mum, then invest in a nanny, child minder, au pair, cleaner etc, or what ever it will take to make the dynamics work.

Lellikelly26 · 12/03/2017 21:26

I'm holding back in my career too, though I'm in the fortunate position of having some progression in my pt job. It does get really frustrating but at the same time I feel lucky to have time with my kids. My oldest is 14 now and I can see that when my youngest gets to secondary school it will be easy for me to work more.
It all goes so fast try to enjoy it. And just think given the changes to pension age we'll all be working for years yet SmileHmm

BoomBoomsCousin · 12/03/2017 21:29

Chris the OP has been there for her kids. She's talking about wanting to share that burden and privilege with her partner - who also chose to have kids. This female martyrdom over children really depresses me. I have a daughter, I don't want her life to be be all about sacrifice - either having children and giving up on public life or having a career and giving up on children. I'd like her to have the same choices as my son and to share the joys and responsibilities of children and work life. But when even women assume she must take on the domestic sphere and support a man in having both children and career progression it seems like that desire for equality is further away than when I was a teen.

228agreenend · 12/03/2017 21:31

Just read the update. Can you look around for another part time, more fulfilling job?

garlicandsapphire · 12/03/2017 21:32

Dont assume you can't now progress - keep striving for your opportunities and looking to go full time. If you're determined it will work out - swings and roundabouts. Its possible for there to be two successful professionals in a household. But do it because its what you want and will work for you (not as a competition with your DH - I'm not saying thats what you're feeling, but its not a good idea)...

My own view is however, that the mother nearly always takes most of the responsibility for the organising and admin of childcare. Even if the father shares some of the sick days or time out for school events, I just think its mostly the Mum who keeps up with all the school admin, kit, kids parties, clubs etc. So they do two jobs.....Which makes them the biggest super heroes. (Sorry Dad's...)

Original poster
twolittleboysonetiredmum · 12/03/2017 21:34

I think boombooms sums up my frustration nicely there. I know I chose to have them, willingly and fully, but so did DH so why am I the one assumed and doing the most towards them? And I mean in a more general way than me personally if that make sense?! Why have I as a woman ended up here? Will my daughter? I'm really crap at expressing myself when it comes to things like this. Sorry.

OP posts:
Original poster
twolittleboysonetiredmum · 12/03/2017 21:36

Tricky re another job. Part time teaching jobs like hens teeth, especially where we live. I do look and will keep on doing so. It's fairly common for part time in teaching = no chance of development/progression sadly.

OP posts:
Original poster
twolittleboysonetiredmum · 12/03/2017 21:38

I think maybe progression is not the best term for what I want from my job. I don't want more money or status, I just want the opportunity to do more interesting things and develop. Which won't happen whilst I'm part time. Definitely not in competition with DH, neither of us are particularly that way inclined :)

OP posts:
ComeOnSpring · 12/03/2017 21:40

YABVU and perhaps a bit jealous. You really shouldn't correlated his success quite so closely with your self-perceived failure

His success is good for you and your family. Promotions might mean more time but also more flexibility. They aren't always negative. Also you can also afford more childcare from your joint incomes so you can increase hours or look for another job. In the longer term as the children get older and more expensive you will actually be able to afford more and ultimtely have more freedom.

sleepingthr0ugh · 12/03/2017 21:43

I used to be a proper feminist and very driven I am a proper feminist and very driven working full time with 2 little boys and I spend a lot of my life wishing part time was an option for me. Im sometimes angry with my DH for not progressing more (he is already senior management) so that i can drop a few hours. Unfortunately there is always the work/family life balance question that has to come in. All I can say is talk about it and have a longer term plan, the DC's are only small for a short amout of time, the age of retirement just keeps going up so there is plenty of time for career progression as frustrating as it might feel now. Either way dont let the new job be a reason for DH not gettong involved in the DC care/admin/housework that comes witj having a family

Benedikte2 · 12/03/2017 21:59

It's a pity that the UK does not share the Scandanavian view of parental responsibility for child care. In many ways the attitude here has not altered in the past half century save that mothers are now generally either expected to work or find they have no choice. Good quality and affordable childcare should be available (as important as education) and it should be more flexible as should be parental time off to attend to health appointments etc.
As for single mothers some professions practically barred because one needs to be able to work late sometimes, travel to meetings etc and this is impossible without live in child care