To be annoyed at the situation we've ended up in?

[twolittleboysonetiredmum]

I should have seen this coming but genuinely didn't.
We have 3 chn born in the last 5 years. I was taken on part time approx a year before our first was born and have remained so since whilst my husband has worked full time. This was the only way we'd have been able to afford to live with childcare fees etc and as I was already part time (and breastfeeding etc) it made sense to stay so.
Our jobs have always been on a par financially and responsibility wise so any days off for appts/sickness etc have been shared between us.
However, my DH is now applying for the next step up in his job and I'm really pissed off at the idea of it.
It's going to mean my job, again, will have to take a back seat. (I've been trying to return full time as being part time in or profession = no career progression) his promotion will mean he'll be home later and less so I'll have to do more at home. It'll also mean that I'll have to take on all the sick days, appts etc
I should've seen this coming when I stayed part time for the kids but I'm still really irked at the fact he can get moving in his career and I'm frozen, or actually going backwards in the sense that I'll have to focus more on the family again than trying to push ahead and make up for lost time. I'm not expecting a solution just ranting at my stupidity at a standard situation for lots of parents I'm sure

we decided as a family that my "career" would be taking a back burner

A lot of my friends did that. Their children happily went off to uni and that seems to be a big divorce trigger point

and we, as a family, have thought about and discussed that too - my financial ducks were in a row before even considering going part time.

It absolutely is a trap and it is common. But you haven't ended up in it yet. I think you should probably apply for the post that you want. Maybe he can apply for something later. But right now I think you should prioritise your own career, otherwise as you rightly say, there is a risk that you will always take the back seat. Don't let him ever start to assume that his career trumps yours, it won't change once it has started.

Tom you call staying part-time a fortunate situation where she is having the best of both worlds.
But OP doesn't feel like that about it - she's realised that it means no prospect of promotion, which she would like to pursue. Just like her husband is, and yet it's her you criticise.

Listen, we all come into discussions like this with our opinions coloured by our experiences. Those with happy marriages who have successfully increased back to full-time once DC are at school, or whose gamble has paid off with their spouse becoming a high earner, might recommend that as a route. And if OP were happy with it, then fair enough. But she's not. My own perspective, from having gone down to part-time and planning on staying that way so my DH could take a massive promotion with big commute is that the gamble didn't pay off and it made my children's life much worse, when they suddenly only had me to provide for them.

It is unlikely full time will come up again for a few years for me at my current workplace. There are a number of reasons why I can't move workplaces so if I don't take the opportunity it's a few years off at least. We have a good balance at home right now, just. If we change too many things I'm worried that will shift too far towards work and the family will be negatively impacted. It's the unknown of both changes as I could handle just one. I do need to shift my mindset as as you say, others do it. We have had the luxury of me being at home and in a few years all will be at school. Ideally I'd go full time then but I can't choose the timing.
I didn't really choose the part time, it was the contract available at the time and then we had a baby.
I guess I've always felt we were equal, and this throws up that we aren't really.

Op why don't you just go for it, take the opportunity and then deal with the other stuff if and when it arises.

With you working full-time you may be in a position to hire a cleaner and sign up for emergency care.

Maybe like me and my oh you would be able to work flexibly when required.

Both working full-time with young children isn't an impossibility you just need to be organised and prepared as much as possible for every outcome.

I dont quite understand why you worked part time before you had DCs. Otherwise I do understand what you are saying.

Our solution was for both of us to cut down from full time hours by a bit so we always had a bit of flexibility. DCs were school age though when we did that and we were both lucky to work in jobs where we had flexitime (a godsend).

Some of the attitudes in this thread are depressing. This assumption that the op chose to be a mother so she should just suck it up while her dh pursues his promotion. Yanbu to want more, OP. Try to find a way in which you can make it work for both of you to go after what you want.

If you have the option to increase your hours now, and that is what you want to do, then you should go for it. It is your turn now, so your dh needs to think about how he can make his career progression work around that.

I guess I've always felt we were equal, and this throws up that we aren't really

but you are, you are both human beings.. Don't place so much "value" on the job side of life.

Do you imagine he loves working so much he desperately wants to do much more of it so that he spends less time at home, less time with you, less time with the kids, less time on hobbies and enjoyment?

Or has he also "fallen into the trap" of equating worth with "status" and earnings?

It was the only permanent contract available at the time, then 4 mths in I got pregnant. Prior to having baby I topped my hours up with supply (teacher)

Honestly, it's a choice. I do know many couples who both work full time, with a very high profile wife. You are equal if you want to be.

Speaking in general here, not against the OP, I don't like this victim attitude from women who insist that they had to put their career on hold whilst their husband didn't. It's not true, it's a choice. I more than understand that someone does not want to go back to a full time job 3 or 6 months after giving birth, and there's nothing wrong with spending time with your children. Again, it is a choice. We can't have it both ways.

He's not into the status or earnings at all. Quite the opposite. But he finds his current role frustrating ab he has no autonomy and his workplace is becoming increasingly complicated and stressful. He loves our family and home but this is separate from that

Maybe it's that points, I grew up believing I could and would have it all, this is possibly my awakening to the fact I can't!

You are a teacher? Then you can certainly afford childcare and work full time so that isn't an excuse.

You are right to be worried and unfortunately the having it all is a bit of a myth.

OP I totally get it. I'd say go for the full time position. Your DH will have to share the shit-work. Including finding a solution on sick days.

I was part time for several years when my DC were younger. I went back full time when the youngest was 17 months old. This was earlier than I had planned, but an opportunity came up that was too good to miss. DH has been full time all along.
It was tough for a few years, but now 7 years down the line and two at secondary school and the youngest in year 3, it is so much easier. We earned enough to have outside help (Nanny, cleaner,dog walker) which I appreciate not everyone can and it did make things so much easier.
One of the advantages of being more senior at work is the ability to manage your own diary, so sick days, school events, etc can get covered between us. I don't know whether this would be true for your DH? I know you say he would be responsible for a whole place, but he obviously can't be there 24/7, so could he work around things?

Just as an aside, it really annoys be how the attitude of "you had DC, what do you expect" is so prevalent here and irl. Yet, this attitude doesn't apply to Dads. Funny, that.

Working part time is not the best of both worlds; i find iam trying to do 2 full time roles in half the time & one of them i dont get any salary, pension, holiday, sickness benefits & in the other all of those things are reduced.
There's a reason that men have traditionally gone out to work while women have just done all the "stuff" unpaid (while being expected to be grateful for their board/lodgings), it's because it's the better option.
Rather than your dh saying he won't apply for the job, he should be working out what he will be doing in relation to his parenting & household responsibilities. I do think it makes sense for both careers to be frozen in a partnership with young children.

It does come as a shock when the 'have it all' line our generation was fed turns out to be a lie. Happened to me a few years ago.

I don't think there is inequality between you. You've been part-time because it's suited you as a family until now. Now you can go full-time, he can get his promotion and you will sort out the logistics. Nanny, flexible working, wraparound care, holiday clubs, sharing out the domestic stuff, loads of people do it.

I really don't think you're in the hole you think you are.

it has always been easy to see that "have it all" meant "do it all"

You can't change the expectations of women without getting men to buy into it. Meaning change. No-one much likes change.

I think the "you chose the have kids" applies just as much to dads as to mums - hence I don't think the DH should apply for promotion if it means seeing less of his kids.

And, given how stressful and time consuming teaching is supposed to be, I don't understand why OP wants to do it full-time if she has 3 kids under 5. She'll work all day then, according to teachers on MN, be planning etc for part of the evening and weekend.

Au pair isn't an option here, we don't have a spare room and there's no nannies in our back water area :)
We do work evenings and weekends, we take I think in turns and work once chn in bed. I have a rubbish job share currently so do all planning/admin/marking as a full time teacher but just don't teach for 2 days so the workload wouldn't be different.
I need to have a proper chat with DH about how different scenarios could work. I won't stop him trying to progress, I wouldn't expect him to stop me. It's just somehow we've got to make it work between us.

I think, processing t more, my bemusement and frustration is not at my personal situation as such but how I got here cooking and cleaning and such like in a traditional 'female' role. I used to be a proper feminist and very driven. And somewhere I thinj I still am but years of child rearing and sleep deprivation have buried that.

I ge your frustration but think you need to change your mindset.
Parenting is a joint responsibility and between you the increasing bills need paying. His promotion is a good thing for the family but might feel tough for you. I've been there and we made the conscious decision his career would take precedence as we needed to fund the family. It meant we ended up in very good position financially as I supported him to progress. I went from being higher earner to part time work when second child was on the way. I remained part time with career on hold but ticking over until last one reached sixth form. I did some additional qualifications and made sure I maintained skills throughout this time. Within six months of returning to full time I had secured promotion and have since been promoted again. Part time doesn't mean no career ever. It means considering needs of family unit rather than individual needs.
Stop feeling resentful, support him and enjoy the family. They'll be flown soon enough.

OP you are tired and worried. You will be ok, this time when the kids are little is exhausting but it will pass. You will probably even miss it much, much later.
It's a no brainier, apply for the job. Ideal for your future. When your DH is more senior it is actually much easier to take bits of time off, once a decent bedding in period has gone past.
You must not feel resentful it will kill your relationship. Be your own best friend. Take the job and make it work. Good luck