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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at the situation we've ended up in?

150 replies

twolittleboysonetiredmum · 11/03/2017 06:51

I should have seen this coming but genuinely didn't.
We have 3 chn born in the last 5 years. I was taken on part time approx a year before our first was born and have remained so since whilst my husband has worked full time. This was the only way we'd have been able to afford to live with childcare fees etc and as I was already part time (and breastfeeding etc) it made sense to stay so.
Our jobs have always been on a par financially and responsibility wise so any days off for appts/sickness etc have been shared between us.
However, my DH is now applying for the next step up in his job and I'm really pissed off at the idea of it.
It's going to mean my job, again, will have to take a back seat. (I've been trying to return full time as being part time in or profession = no career progression) his promotion will mean he'll be home later and less so I'll have to do more at home. It'll also mean that I'll have to take on all the sick days, appts etc
I should've seen this coming when I stayed part time for the kids but I'm still really irked at the fact he can get moving in his career and I'm frozen, or actually going backwards in the sense that I'll have to focus more on the family again than trying to push ahead and make up for lost time. I'm not expecting a solution just ranting at my stupidity at a standard situation for lots of parents I'm sure

OP posts:

semanwen · 11/03/2017 08:03

I think you are imagining a barrier that isn't there. Both my DH and I have full blown careers and we progressed at different times but now our children are late teens and we are both pretty much at the top of our fields (well he probably has 1 more possible job but doesn't want it and mine would be more prestigious but less pay and too high profile so I don't want it)

Being honest it was my DH who probably did the days off sick etc and it hasn't stopped him career wise at all.

Go back to work full-time, pursue your career and share all of the other stuff equally. It is what we did and it is possible.

fufulina · 11/03/2017 08:04

A lot of shit being talked here. OP - I totally understand where you are coming from. Yes marriage is a partnership, so when both parents want a career then both parents need to step up at home. And if the promotion means he can't then you need to sort that out. I am on the other side of this - and although I now earn more, DH is largely absent from all parenting/house work/thinking and decisions. The resentment is killing our marriage. As someone said upthread - life is in the details.

TomHardyswife · 11/03/2017 08:05

"I should have seen this coming when I stayed part time for the kids"

"Going backwards in the sense of focusing more on the family"

It's a shame that you feel this way as I don't understand why you would choose to have a family if you feel that you would be going backwards by extending the time you are part time!

You obviously are oblivious to the fortunate position you are in...one of which I would have given my right arm for when my eldest DS (now 22) was a small child. We couldn't afford for me to drop my full time hours whatsoever as my full time salary, in its entirety paid the mortgage.
We relied heavily on my mum for childcare and paid her back in DH doing handyman jobs around her house. She got to see him take his first steps, cut his first tooth and many more milestone occasions.

They grow up so quick and you don't get to have this previous time again. I personally find it sad that you clearly place your career in front of time spent with your young children.

RJnomore1 · 11/03/2017 08:05

Oh I would feel so bitter about this op. I can't stand the made your bed and lie in it comments as well.

I don't know the solution but there has to be one, two of you on compressed four day weeks would mean only three days of childcare for example, career progression for him does not mean he gets out of parenting so 50% of sick days etc. I'd say you need to value your own career and make it clear you're not there to mop up sick and facilitate him and he needs to find a way to make it work for you as well.

And I regard the I won't apply then as highly passive aggressive and it would totally pee me off too.

💐

RJnomore1 · 11/03/2017 08:06

Do you find it sad the dh seems to be doing the same thing then tom 😕

Vegansnake · 11/03/2017 08:07

2 of my 4 kids have autism,I haven't been able to work for 20 yrs due to appointments,and one of them hasn't had a school place for the last 10 yrs,so he has tutors,which I have to be around for..it's sad and I loved my job...but I love my family more..this won't be a popular view but , sometimes I wonder how much feminism has helped us..yes women can work full time, all the women I know working full time or part time,still do the majority of house and childcare...I've a lot of friends and they all have the stress of work and home and kids,and the husband works and "helps out a bit" ...women have evolved and moved on working and a family..but a lot of men haven't and go from their mum doing everything for them ,to their wife doing it...and yeah not fair..good look op x

Somerville · 11/03/2017 08:09

Marriage is a partnership.

The thing is OhTheRoses that half of marriages end in divorce. And a small amount end with one of the partnership dying prematurely. And as soon as that partnership ends for whatever reason, each spouse needs to be able to provide for the DC - and in my case that's without maintenance payments, and 100% of the time.
Now, for those families where one spouse is a massively high earner it's less of a risk: they'll be able to afford lots of life assurance, and maintenance payments would be very high. But on most normal salaries it really is a big risk to put all the career eggs in one basket.

I'm pregnant, and DH2 and I agreed upfront that we would both lower our hours to 80%, and juggle childcare between us. Neither one of us is taking the sole career hit, in case the worst happens.

semanwen · 11/03/2017 08:10

This was the only way we'd have been able to afford to live with childcare fees etc and as I was already part time (and breastfeeding etc) it made sense to stay so.

childcare is a joint responsibility. After my 2nd child our childcare and travel were more than my take home pay but if I had stopped work my career would have ended. after about 6 months I moved to the next level and was in a small gain.

Temporaryanonymity · 11/03/2017 08:12

I am a lone parent and work full-time. Lots of my part-time working friends can't understand how I manage. I think when you have worked part-time it is hard to imagine how things will get done.

It is hard sometimes but doable. I get up early and do a few jobs before the kids get up and I never go to bed on an untidy sitting room.

My boys are both school aged now so childcare isn't to expensive. I think if part-time working is preventing you from progressing then it is up to you to change that, if that is what you want.

Somerville · 11/03/2017 08:14

They grow up so quick and you don't get to have this previous time again. I personally find it sad that you clearly place your career in front of time spent with your young children.

Fuck sake.

She doesn't - she went part-time.
It is entirely possible to pursue a career and be a good parent. Most young women in this country do - house prices are too high to pay a mortgage or rent on one salary.
OP's Children have two parents.

TomHardyswife · 11/03/2017 08:15

RJnomore1

They already made the decision for DH to stay full time and the OP to drop to part time.

Why shouldn't he take advantage of a career progression while he can?

Original poster

twolittleboysonetiredmum · 11/03/2017 08:17

Like I have said, I do recognise that we are In a good position and I'm not blind to that. And I'm not resentful of my DH and we do talk about it. A full time opportunity is coming up a time my workplace which I planned on taking but I'm not sure we would cope if he takes on this role. He would be unable to he as flexible about taking time off for sick etc as he is now as he'll be responsible for a whole place and can't just disappear for a few hours.
I think what I'm trying to express, badly, is that i can't believe that I have ended up being in this trap which seems to be the fate of women as they opt to have children. Yes we chose to have our children but why does that mean I choose to not have a fulfilling job? Whilst my DH does? Why can't part time mean success or why does being part time to look after children default to all household tasks are therefore mine? That's what I'm resentful of, not my DH per se as he does a lot at home. But it's that general position I find myself in that I don't get.

OP posts:

semanwen · 11/03/2017 08:19

we decided as a family that my "career" would be taking a back burner.

A lot of my friends did that. Their children happily went off to uni and that seems to be a big divorce trigger point. The women are now doing low paid jobs living in rented housing or having to move way out of area to use their equity and small salary to get a mortgage and the men are high flying living in trendy city centre flats with massive disposable incomes. I would like to say that this is rare but I must know at least 10 ex couples in this situation,

Xmasbaby11 · 11/03/2017 08:20

I understand how you feel but I don't think it's an impossible situation.

What would your ideal situation be? Both working full time and sharing the wife work? Could this happen in a couple of years when he's settled into his new role?

I have 2 dc, 3 and 5, and until they are both in school there's not a huge financial difference between me working full time or part time. I think with 3 young dc you are doing well professionally, as a couple, that one is working at same level pt and the other is likely to get a promotion.

semanwen · 11/03/2017 08:21

I think what I'm trying to express, badly, is that i can't believe that I have ended up being in this trap which seems to be the fate of women as they opt to have children. Yes we chose to have our children but why does that mean I choose to not have a fulfilling job?

It doesn't. You/and or both made that choice.

You can change it if you want. It is about you relationship and needing to redefine that.

Gourmetcat · 11/03/2017 08:23

Dear twolittleboysonetiredmum
Happyfeet1972 hit the nail on the head. You need to talk. DH is not telepathic and he will be getting a totally different view of the world (and how you feel) from society. You two have the answers. TALK, TALK, TALK - DH sounds wonderful from how you describe his approach to child responsibility to date. Looks like new opportunities for you all - I faced the same dilemma and we decided to invest in a helper - she wasn't cheap - but she has been with us for 10 years, does the cleaning, is now my best mate, and covers with child care when DH or I can't. TALK, TALK, TALK and you will find a way through.

Xmasbaby11 · 11/03/2017 08:23

If you want to go full time, go full time. Tell your dh if he wants the promotion he will still need to pull his weight at home. I know he may not be able to cover sick days, but are there other tasks he could do?

I agree it's easy as the part timer to do all child related stuff. Dh will do some of it but I have to tell him what to do.

Somerville · 11/03/2017 08:24

I understand your bemusement OP.

How long is it likely to be for another full time role to come up? If quite a while then I there would be an argument for taking it, and see if together you can make it work. It often means both sacrificing a lot of annual leave to use when the kids are ill, etc, rather than for actual holidays. But it gets easier to cope with as the kids get older, as they tend to get ill a lot less.

WorldWideWish · 11/03/2017 08:24

YANBU.

My advice would be to take the financial hit and go back to work full time. Yes, you may be financially worse off in the short term due to paying for childcare, but that doesn't take into account the longer term financial gain from your future career progression.

RJnomore1 · 11/03/2017 08:25

Tom perhaps because op is no longer happy with the situation and would need to sacrifice even more to make it happen unless he steps up cuts the passive aggressive bull shit and works with her to find a way forward that meets the needs of both people in the marriage?

TomHardyswife · 11/03/2017 08:25

Somerville

Fucks sake yourself

OP sees staying part time for longer as "for the kids" and has commented that she feels she is going backwards by doing so.

I know you can be a great parent and have a career, I have done it myself. I just think it's a shame that the OP doesn't take advantage of the fortunate situation she is in as she can afford to have the best of both worlds - work part time and invest her time with her children while they are young.

BeyondThePage · 11/03/2017 08:27

If you were a single parent, you'd have to make a full time job work.

What is stopping you from making it work now?

Sixisthemagicnumber · 11/03/2017 08:27

Your DH does lots at home already - you said that.
Would you be happy for him to go for the promotion if he was still sharing the household tasks and time off for sick days?

pointstaken · 11/03/2017 08:28

OP, can you really not go full-time? If one child is at school, or starting school soon if he's 5, the cost of childcare should go down. I am not sure how the 30 hours childcare is being applied across the country, but it's also worth having a look?

You have to make a decision but not resent your husband about it. If you are full-time, you will have to miss some school events, sports day, nativity days. Unless you have an au-pair/ child minder, you will have limited family holidays if you both need to alternate days off during school terms. It's entirely your choice.

As someone said above, single parents manage, so it's perfectly possible to work full time. It's hard, but you have to be organised. Having both careers frozen doesn't make much sense.

RJnomore1 · 11/03/2017 08:28

Op why should his progression now be at the expense of your opportunity?

You've got an opportunity coming up. You're not stuck yet. You would be increasing your future earning potential and career prospects by taking it. You're not actually in the hole you think you are yet.

And from your update your dh sounds reasonable sorry if I've been a bit hard on him.

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