To think my wedding just isn't going to happen?

[LeeFiora]

Fiancé and I trying to plan our wedding. He is from a big family and is an extrovert, I'm from a small family and am an introvert and quite shy.

I don't like the idea of a big wedding and would like to cap the numbers at ideally 50 but I'll stretch to 70 or even 80 if I must.

The problem is that OH says that he absolutely must invite all his aunties, uncles, cousins and their families. This includes people he hasn't seen or heard from in several years.

He says that a lot of them probably won't come, but in case they do it'll have to be okay as he can't exclude anyone. If they do all decide to come that'll be 80 guests already, so with my family of 20 and some friends that'll be an unreasonably large wedding that'll a)make me really uncomfortable and b) will be a massive financial strain unless we do the whole thing on the cheap.

He knows that I'm not keen on the idea so the only other thing we can come up with is nuclear family only at a local registry office. Right now it seems appealing just as a way to get round the problem but I can see myself regretting it in the future.

Is there any way out of this deadlock?

In my case the numbers were the problem. And we slashed them hugely.

Even though I'm now quite close to some of DHs family members who weren't invited to our wedding I don't regret it one bit. It was small, intimate, beautiful, and affordable. I definitely would have regretted a big cheap wedding full of people I barely knew or had never met.

"both of their wishes need to be taken into account. OP is being flexible about her DP's wishes. I am not seeing where anyone is thinking about OP and what she wants."

How is she being flexible? He wants his extended family there. She's saying no. Her fiance is right that you can't invite some of them and not others so it's all or nothing.

And why do you say these people couldn't give less of a shit about her? That's not how most people feel about a new addition to the family and not how I'd feel about a cousin's new spouse.

She is being flexible by saying she will have 80 people there to allow him to invite some of these people. If he is saying it is all or nothing, and he can't invite his aunts unless he also invites his cousins, then that's his issue. He can.

They haven't got in touch for years. If they care about her (or him for that matter), that's a strange way to behave. Where someone I care about is getting married I make the effort with their partner (well much before they get engaged usually).

I just can't deal with this whole attitude of acting like people don't exist for years and then suddenly deciding they are really important when it comes to inviting to the wedding, and that their invitation is sufficiently important that your are willing to ruin your spouse to be's wedding experience over it.

And yes, it would ruin it for OP. I wouldn't feel comfortable getting married in front of loads of people I didn't know either. She would still be married but her experience would be negatively altered.

The thing about weddings is that aside from the couple and immediate family, most people care less about them than you might think.

Getting a wedding invitation, far from being a joyful moment, for many people simply invokes a "how much am I going to have to spend on travel, accommodation, outfits, presents etc" response.

I know that makes me sounds like a grump and I am but honestly, forking out thousands for one day to host what is simply a posh party for people you haven't seen for a decade and are likely ambivalent about attending just seems bonkers to me.

Like a PP, DH and I hired a lovely mini stately home which restricted the guest list to 40.

It was a posh "do" but on a very small scale and we focused on inviting close friends and family only and used the money we would have spent on a bigger wedding to fund the honeymoon of a lifetime which was 2 weeks of pleasure rather than one day.

I think your partner is being inflexible here. I would suggest you cost out the "big" wedding he wants then contrast that with a smaller one - suggesting how the difference could be better spent.

I think though when you are getting married you are joining two families together in a way and it is the one chance (other than funerals) to get big families together. I think you should embrace it and make a list of who you both want to invite. Assume 20% won't come then look at how many you have got and choose a bipudget and location accordingly.

I don't think putting you foot down like this will make for a good start to your life as part of their family. I mean who wants to upset Aunties etc by not inviting them on day 1.

I woudl try to accomodate him and his big family if you can bear to. It you can't be prepared to take the flak 'brides ills, unfriendly, unwelcoming, mean etc... There could be gossip like that going around the family Bout you after that.' people love to be invited and feel included and important.

Other option is to have the wedding in a difficult location to get to, in a week day as that will cut your 'yes' replies by alerts half while still allowing everyone to be 'invited' .

Decide the kind of ceremony and day you both want and then work outwards. In that way the number of guests are at the outer edge of your decision because some ideas won't accommodate a huge number of guests. If you are close to a major city then you can do the evening do idea and guests can get to and from reasonably easily and also enjoy a break in the area if they choose to..
Only plus point of going for a stately home kind of venue is that if there are enough of you then the guests end up wandering around and enjoying themselves in the grounds during parts of it so it's not everyone crammed into the same space the whole time i.e. all those distant aunts and uncles can catch up with each other in a side room and then you have a couple of points when everyone gathers together for speeches, cake cutting. Don't venues show price for general price then per head for various packages/menus. That should help with the budget and get you beyond vague ballpark figures.
And are his parents/your parents/your best man/bridesmaid the sorts who will help host the whole thing. It's your day so you are the centrepiece and parents need to do the rounds and take some of the strain of the social bits.

I would agree with trying to compromise by looking at the type of wedding .you don't have to have a sit down meal . Or even a seating plan. Make it more relaxed to suit you it will be cheaper and then perhaps you might feel more comfortable about having more guests ? Think outside the box a bit . It might be less stressful.

I see nothing wrong with nuclear family only at Registry Office. You say in your OP it's the 'only other thing we can come up with'. So why not do that?

I would work out some rough costings for say a venue type wedding for 100 people.... Pick a popular local one ... Add in a few thousand for outfits and flowers... He will pass out at the cost and be more likely to listen to reason.

Do you have set ideas about how you want your wedding to look?
Because if he's insisting on inviting all these random relatives who he hasn't seen for ever and you've probably never even met, then I'd be jolly tempted to just hire a local village/church/scout hall and do it there. I've been to a few weddings like that - they were all very nice, lots of people, basic buffet/hog roast type food, and some kind of barn dance or disco afterwards. Much cheaper than the stylised wedding breakfast etc. when you have a lot of guests!
The bar was a keg or two, wine from a France run, and soft drinks (no spirits).

If he doesn't think that's appropriate, then tell him he'll have to cull numbers instead. I absolutely do not see the point in inviting distant relatives just because there is a tiny blood tie, unless you see them regularly or were particularly close to them before.

I'd start by buying the replacement car and replacement kitchen now, and then looking at how much money you've got left over.

I wouldn't chance the 'invite everyone they won't come' tack. I did that but (quietly so no one knew😳) had a 'reserve' list. As guests turned down their invite, I added from the reserve list...except once done the 'original' guests changed their mind and accepted their invite! One very squashed wedding meal!
Serves me right, that was in my very perfect world of big weddings and huge expectations of the romantic dream (not the now bitterly divorced, never saw any of his family again and -haven't missed them-latter years). Can you imagine all of us who groan at a wedding invite, how much worse would that feel to find out that having forked out a fortune to go to the wedding of some second cousin, you were actually not even a first choice guest but -making up the numbers- on the reserve list. 😳😳😳😳😳

And my strike through hasn't worked!

I also do think it would be an obligation rather than a pleasure for a lot of them, especially as we're a good distance (essentially a plane ride away) for a lot of them. I'd hate to think that the whole day was based on nothing but obligation and duty!

If we were just nuclear family, we'd be 14 altogether, which really is a tiny number! I would feel bad about not inviting certain relatives that we're close to and that I'd really like to share it with us. Also, my cousin makes wedding dresses for a living and has already offered to make mine, so it would be really awful not to invite her!

The only way I can see this working is to have a large, basic wedding and invite absolutely everybody. It's not at all what I had in mind but I've never really been particularly into the whole wedding thing and at least I wouldn't regret keeping OH's family away.

Reserve list is risky - it's easy enough for people to find out they were invited later than everyone else and be offended at that. I've seen people do that for parties.

"If he is saying it is all or nothing, and he can't invite his aunts unless he also invites his cousins, then that's his issue. He can."

It's not quite like that is it? In the post above, OP says she wants to invite her cousin so she'd be inviting her cousin and not letting him invite his.

Exactly. Ideally I'd invite about half my cousins - the ones I'm friendly with and see occasionally- and not bother with the others. They're actually very nice people but we're just not close. OH can't bring himself to only invite certain of his relations so it's either all or nothing, but if e chooses nothing then it seems a little odd for me to then invite my extended family.

"The thing about weddings is that aside from the couple and immediate family, most people care less about them than you might think"

EatsShitsandLeaves

I totally agree (and i'm one of them), but the minority who care, care a surprising amount. All sorts of strongly-held opinions came out of the woodwork from certain relatives when I got married

Can you point out to your DH that you'll need to pick a venue that will accommodate all your invites (say 100) but expect only those closeted to accept (say 60). So you'll need to pick a room that could look quite empty & lack atmosphere?

I think the better argument as other PPs have said is compromise. I don't understand anyone who thinks they have to invite people they lack a relationship with & haven't seen for years. I liked that on looking around at our guests we knew and cared for them. We had around 80. I have a small family so all invited and DH has a very large family so invited those we're close to for the day & those we aren't for evening. Would he compromise on inviting some of the people you're moe close to at night?

Your plan b is pretty much what we did and although the never-seen far flung grumbled at missing out on a free 'part 1' (and ftr they were the only ones who did grumble, not the closer more 'entitled') it was brilliant. We had us, parents and BIL at the register office, dinner at a nice place afterwards then a party in the garden the next day. No regrets, just lovely memories. Put your case to your DF and get him to justify his, too. If he's only inviting then because he thinks he should then he needs to reconsider.

I'd recommend going to mediation about this.
It doesn't bode well that you are both not meeting in the middle. I think you need to learn how to communicate and find a win win.

You ABSOLUTELY must stick to your budget. That's a given especially as you have other big ticket costs coming up.

For me, I'd elope and then have a garden party for everyone in the summer, with pims and a BBQ.

But give a mediator a ring.

I'd also start with cost. Agree your budget together.how much you are willing and able to spend.

Them work it back. But realistically. Look at different venues and ask for their costs. For a varying amount of people.

Then add in the things you want, cars, photographer, video , flowers, make up, hair, shoes, accessories, grooms suit, guest transport to venue, whatever, but do so realistically.

I think the answer will the become apparent. Do you want a very large wedding in a lower end hotel, with more budget catering, limited drinks, or do you want a small wedding at a higher end venue, with all the trimmings.

The OP has kids with her OH. She's hardly a new addition to the family and a new baby (in a close family) is generally seen as an excuse to travel, have a squish with the baby and catch up with family. If people haven't done this I wonder how much they would really be bothered about attending the wedding.

Yoda

Oi! who nicked my name!!!!

A mediation matter this is not. Known each other many years; children they have together.

Elope too I would 9wish me and Mr NotYoda had)

Do or Do Not. There is no try.

Ah a different Yoda it was. Confused I found myself.