To think my wedding just isn't going to happen?

[LeeFiora]

Fiancé and I trying to plan our wedding. He is from a big family and is an extrovert, I'm from a small family and am an introvert and quite shy.

I don't like the idea of a big wedding and would like to cap the numbers at ideally 50 but I'll stretch to 70 or even 80 if I must.

The problem is that OH says that he absolutely must invite all his aunties, uncles, cousins and their families. This includes people he hasn't seen or heard from in several years.

He says that a lot of them probably won't come, but in case they do it'll have to be okay as he can't exclude anyone. If they do all decide to come that'll be 80 guests already, so with my family of 20 and some friends that'll be an unreasonably large wedding that'll a)make me really uncomfortable and b) will be a massive financial strain unless we do the whole thing on the cheap.

He knows that I'm not keen on the idea so the only other thing we can come up with is nuclear family only at a local registry office. Right now it seems appealing just as a way to get round the problem but I can see myself regretting it in the future.

Is there any way out of this deadlock?

I was your DH. I have a large family. I wanted to invite them all. Our compromise was small wedding with a large evening reception. My family came to the evening. For some of them, it was easier as they travelled during the day on Sat, instead of having to travel on Fri to be here for a day time wedding. Although they were too polite to say so, & it's never been mentioned, I know that others would have loved to come to the actual wedding and felt a bit shortchanged.

Batteries- I think a lot about what that money could buy us, but OH doesn't see it that way. He thinks, we'll use this money for the wedding and then somehow more money will turn up for the car, the new kitchen etc. I've tried this logic with him but it just doesn't work!

Honestly I would postpone.

If you can't agree on wedding plans then it does not bode well for the future years ahead.

You are struggling to agree on this, your fiance doesn't seem good with money, I already hear warning bells,
I would wait two years and see how things pan out before jumping into marriage.

Sherry, I'm not too worried about what it says about our relationship tbh. We've been together for a long time and have kids, a mortgage etc and this is the first time we've really butted heads over anything! We always knew it was going to be a problem which is why we put it off for so long!

Skerry, not Sherry, sorry

I had similar with my now DH (and my DM!), although it was my family (DM wanted to invite) and DH's friends caved, and ceremony excepted didn't enjoy most of our wedding at all, largely because of the number of guests I didn't know well at all. I still think he was unreasonable and inconsiderate, and although he has many good qualities it wasn't the last time he's done things that suit him, but not me.

Do you want to buy a home and have DC? If so, will you be able to afford a deposit etc if you spend all that money on the wedding?

Ah Just seen that you have the DC and home already!

He is BU to insist it's "all or nothing". DH did that and it was unfair and manipulative IMO.

With DC though, I would probably just do the tiny wedding, to be married: there are so many other things £20k could buy.

Yes, I messed up because I made the small wedding too big (a couple of aunts and not others). The next day party turned into a quasi formal Reception (under Pressure from my relatives) and it was just messy. People were upset.

Still happily married 20 years on though

Get married abroad and invite absolutely everyone. They won't come.

He's being very illogical. And also quite rude - it is standard etiquette for the bride and the groom to have similar numbers of people there, so that neither of them, nor their immediate families, are in a room full of largely strangers. How would it even work in the church (or other venue) to have 80 people seated on his side and only 20 on yours?

He needs to consider his brides feelings on this and compromise. If he won't then I suppose it's better that you learn that now. Honestly, don't marry someone who can't or won't compromise.

I think you are penalising him for having a large family.
Reception for immediate family somewhere nice and then large evening do with a buffet in a community centre.
That's how a lot of weddings were in the eighties and nineties.
Low cost. Good compromise.

We had about 100 at ours. We had a church wedding mid afternoon, cut the cake in the church and served refreshments. We then took over a great bar (in London) and had an evening party with a live band and a very good buffet prepared for us but not a sit down meal.

It was not hugely expensive. There was a load of very nice food. We invited all the friends and family we wanted.

So- everyone got to go to the actual wedding and effectively big evening do was the main event.

I had a very similar situation, it was either invite 30 very close family or if all th aunts, uncles and cousins etc it would be over 200.

We decided in the 30 thank goodness and had a fab day. You should do the same. If he really feels strongly though I'd have a massive cheap party in the evening.

Elope to Gretna alone and then have a massive party for everyone afterwards.

Graphista I don't think I'd even consider paying for guests' accommodation or any food outwith the wedding day itself.

I think it's very unfair to use a blanket "40 each" rule, as a couple of PP has suggested, especially if you don't actually want to invite 40. If I'd gone on that rationale then I'd have had to cut out my much loved aunts, grandma and brother from the list on the basis that DH only has two relatives so I should only have two family places too. Marriage is one of the few situations where "from each according to their abilities to each according to their needs" really works. If he really wants his extended family at his wedding then I'd try to make it work TBH, but get him to think hard about the budgeting. Having family members you love at your wedding isn't an extravagance like doves and rose petals - it's important, and will be remembered in the future.

Agree with whatagoodusername - I have never read a better case for a destination wedding than this!

Somewhere hot, offer to pay for the immediate family (hopefully they'll double as built in babysitters so you get a honeymoon!)

Invite everyone else, some will make it, some won't, it'll not cost you much more than a registery office do plus honeymoon anyway.

Sounds like it's all about him when it should be about both of you.

We wanted a large wedding between our families and friends, and found it difficult to find venues that would take over 70 guests.

What type of ceremony is it? If it's a church, then it's open to the public anyway. We used evening invitations for local people like colleagues and neighbours, and added in that they were welcome to attend the church ceremony if they wished. Many venues have a higher capacity for the evening celebrations than the wedding breakfast.

What really strikes me is that you are prepared to compromise, yet he is not. What solutions has he brought to the table? Basically his idea of a wedding is going to make you unhappy on what is supposed to be the happiest day of your life.

80 is a big wedding and honestly would feel like 100, not remotely like 50.
If you really want to have a small wedding you have to stick up for yourself, he is marrying you not family he doesn't see for years at a time. Is it his 'dream' wedding?
Because he needs constantly reminding he's not marrying a princess but an introvert!

OP I think the compromise of immediate family only is a good one, it's not completely perfect for either of you but it does the job. Nobody wants to spend £20k on a day they don't enjoy.

I was going to suggest the same as herecomesthesun, ceremony late afternoon then straight to an evening party with buffet style catering - no sit down meal.

I've been to a couple of weddings with that format and they worked well.

We had this issue, as MIL is one of ten siblings but my parents are both only children. Thankfully DP wasn't insistent on inviting his wider family, plus I was single handedly paying for the whole wedding (we had separate finances before the wedding but joint afterwards).

We plumped for a small wedding with just parents, siblings, their children and a couple of mutual friends with their partners, so 40 in total, it was perfect.

DH's granny tried to do the whole "If such and such isn't invited then I'm not coming" (she does this for all family weddings) however we called her bluff and she came anyway. It was stressful at the time though! Good luck!

With a bigger wedding youll have less focus on you after the actual ceremony as everyone will have eah other. Might be onenway to look at it. Easier to disappear in crowds.