To think my wedding just isn't going to happen?

[LeeFiora]

Fiancé and I trying to plan our wedding. He is from a big family and is an extrovert, I'm from a small family and am an introvert and quite shy.

I don't like the idea of a big wedding and would like to cap the numbers at ideally 50 but I'll stretch to 70 or even 80 if I must.

The problem is that OH says that he absolutely must invite all his aunties, uncles, cousins and their families. This includes people he hasn't seen or heard from in several years.

He says that a lot of them probably won't come, but in case they do it'll have to be okay as he can't exclude anyone. If they do all decide to come that'll be 80 guests already, so with my family of 20 and some friends that'll be an unreasonably large wedding that'll a)make me really uncomfortable and b) will be a massive financial strain unless we do the whole thing on the cheap.

He knows that I'm not keen on the idea so the only other thing we can come up with is nuclear family only at a local registry office. Right now it seems appealing just as a way to get round the problem but I can see myself regretting it in the future.

Is there any way out of this deadlock?

What Graphista said!

My family is massive, both my sisters got married abroad and myself and DP are just going to pop to the registry office and then tell everyone.

Could either of those be an option for you?

"The type of wedding he's talking about having, which means you'd need to find a large venue could easily cost you £200 per guest all in.

Costs
Venue (if it's that big a wedding this will not be cheap, plus not everywhere has the space so limits your options)
Decorations
Flowers
Outfits (bride, groom, best man, bridesmaids, don't forget to include underwear and shoes)
Hairdresser and make up artist
Rings and your jewellery
Photographer/videographer
Stationery
Catering & drinks
Entertainment (disco or live?)
Cake
Gifts for best man and bridesmaids

Not cheap not easy to organise.

In addition - hen & stag dos, honeymoon... "

I don't see how the number of guests changes most of these things. A photographer charges by the hour surely rather than by number of guests. Venue and food are the only things that depend on numbers.

"He is being very selfish and inconsiderate. "

How is it selfish to want to invite your relatives? He wants one thing and she wants the other, I don't see how either of them is more selfish than the other.

My wedding is next month and I feel I must STRESS THE IMORTANCE of your budget! I've just read that you budget at the moment 20k! this is not a big budget for that many people! we have a wedding of 85 guests in a stately home - the wedding package was £13k. The extras being the dress, the suits, the BMs. the groomsmen, the photographer, the videographer, the accommodation, the flowers, the cake, the invites etc etc etc means our entire wedding is now on the 30-35k mark. The more guests the more money. You both have to be in agreement with everything or the arguments are inevitable - but mostly....you must be on the same page regarding your budget and I'd suggest your starting point is this very subject!

I guess it's nice that OH feels loyalty to his wider family, but OP said even his parents have said don't bother inviting them.

But if there's no (or little) contact generally, I can't see why he thinks it's wrong to exclude them. Having virtual strangers at a wedding does change the dynamics.

And plenty of threads on here shows that people feel obliged in many cases to accept a wedding invite, so the OH aboslutely can't bank on them not coming.

OP, have there been any weddings among your OH's distant rellies (the ones he doesn't normally see) that he/you haven't been invited too? Because if they don't feel the need to invite him, then really, he doesn't need to invite them.

He really needs to understand budgetting as well.

What about a 'destination' wedding in this country, small country house feel where guests stay over. This could be gorgeous and very intimate (rather than a registry office) so might suit your husband wanting to make a special event but would limit the number of guests by the venue size/accommodation. You could pay for everyone invited, a quality over quantity approach!

" How would it even work in the church (or other venue) to have 80 people seated on his side and only 20 on yours? confused"

The ushers would just tell people to sit on either/both sides. It's a tradition to sit on sides, it's not a law. There will also be mutual friends who don't even have a 'side'.

Yes. Stick up for yourself. He is being very selfish and inconsiderate

What a load of rubbish, theres always someone isnt there? Its not selfish at all to want to invite your family to your wedding, even people you havent seen for years. But this is Mumsnet for some people its all about what the bride wants, the fact there needs to be a groom there at all is irrelevant and so is the fact he has a family.

Gwen the expensive of decorations and flowers varies hugely by numbers - size of venue to decorate, number of tables etc. Ditto stationary.

Food and drink are usually the biggest expense which varies with heads of course.

Even stuff like photography - more guests means more pictures to buy from the photographer unless you're not fussed about pics of them in which case why even invite them?

The only expense that doesn't vary is clothing, although, at a big wedding you might be tempted to have a big 'bridal party' and the pressure to have an expensive dress. So in reality nearly ever cost is affected in some way by numbers.

"But if there's no (or little) contact generally, I can't see why he thinks it's wrong to exclude them. "

I see his point. Weddings and funerals are the only times certain families get together and as funerals are sad times, you end up never getting the chance for a family get together.

"expensive of decorations and flowers varies hugely by numbers - size of venue to decorate, number of tables etc."

The church will be the same size however many guests surely?
If the wedding reception is at a hotel, they will use a large dining room whether it's 50 or 80 guests so the only difference would be things that would be on each table.

You don't have to buy all the photos do you - you just have to pay for the photographer's time and that's not per guest.

Exactly the same for the entertainment.

If your partner must invite everyone and they may very well turn up then one way of keeping costs down is to have a church wedding late in the day which allows people to travel then have a big party in your garden, friend's garden or pub's garden. You get the formal bit done first with all the pictures and a much easier to organise party for the hoards afterwards. Churches are usually quite large and can have 100-200 guests without any extra fuss. You can have formal throughout and spend a fortune or mix and match.

" Its not selfish at all to want to invite your family to your wedding, even people you havent seen for years. But this is Mumsnet for some people its all about what the bride wants, the fact there needs to be a groom there at all "

Yes. Imagine the other way around "my boyfriend has a smaller family then I do and he says we have to have an equal number of guests he's not letting me invite my relatives to our wedding".

But Gwen, if he and his family really wanted contact, they wouldn't rely on invites to weddings and funerals to see each other.

I stay in touch with family I get on with, and ignore those I'm not bothered about. I certainly would not be inviting those I'm not bothered about to any wedding of mine. Sharing a bit of DNA does not make an obligation to invite people.

I stand by saying it is selfish. Because this is about compromise. I would say the exact same thing if it were the other way round. It is both of the OP and her DP's wedding. Both of their wishes are important. OP wants a small wedding but has said she is willing to increase numbers up to 80 to respect the fact her DP wants a bigger wedding. He needs to respect her wishes for a smaller wedding and modify his guest list accordingly.

So lagunabubbles, you think it is "a load of old rubbish" to think it is selfish for DP not to compromise in the way that OP is willing to. You think she should totally forego her wishes in favour of him having his own way. I believe that both of them need to compromise. OP is, her DP won't. It is selfish, and has nothing to do with the bride having it all her own way.

Also, I have no time at all for playing the "but they're family" card when you cannot be arsed with these people day to day and haven't heard from for years.These are not people that her DP is close to. That would be different.

This is before we even get into the cost.

the only difference would be things that would be on each table

Which is a significant part of the expense. Was when I was getting quotes anyway.

What killed the idea of a big wedding for me was the cost of decorating and flowers per table.

But it's not compulsory to have flowers on every table Batterie?

I organised a formal meal recently. It took a few hours and cost maybe 10 pounds to do place names for 90 people so I'm not getting the cost of stationery at all unless you think it has to be printed professionally. Wedding invites you can do yourself or send by email.

"But Gwen, if he and his family really wanted contact, they wouldn't rely on invites to weddings and funerals to see each other."

It's really not that simple. I wouldn't contact my aunts independently because it's just not something I've ever done. I also don't see them regularly because they live far away, but I'd still want them at my wedding.

No very true Gwen. It all comes down to the look you want and how important the feel of the occasion is vs the number of attendees.

I didn't want plain tables in a cheap venue.

If OP was happy with that though I suspect she wouldn't have a dilemma. Because they would be having a low budget large wedding. So I'm guessing - only guessing - that she wants some of the frills and whistles people generally have at weddings.

It's turned into an arse ache, just cancel the whole thing. You already have the commitment to each other. Just sort out wills to give you both and the kids better protection should one of you die.

"I didn't want plain tables in a cheap venue. "

Well then this is your problem and not the numbers.

Why don't you just go abroad? You can invite everyone but virtually none of them will come.

It is the numbers gwen because it's a cost per table.

The suggestion that OP should have a big wedding when she wants a smal one, full of people who she doesn't know and who couldn't give less of a shit about her, and sacrifice the kind of wedding she wants in order to make it no frills so they can afford to host these strangers people is really harsh.

both of their wishes need to be taken into account. OP is being flexible about her DP's wishes. I am not seeing where anyone is thinking about OP and what she wants.

Could you do a smaller ceremony just with nuclear family and then a bigger party afterwards where he can invite all the extended family. My brother did just parents and grandparents at ceremony, then had honeymoon and once back had an informal party at a large hall with all the extended family and friends.