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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect my DH to help more around the house?

90 replies

tigercub50 · 10/03/2017 09:07

I have posted before about my DH & his tendencies to be controlling/abusive. Very happy to say that he is making a huge effort to change & we are going to counselling separately plus he is taking steps to help with his depression. The atmosphere in the house is completely different. That said, he hasn't really changed how much he helps me. He does work quite long hours so I am uncertain how much I should be doing ( I don't work) & how much he should at least be offering to do. He never thinks to put a load of washing on, for example. And it would never occur to him to make our DDs packed lunch etc. Basically he does the dishwasher, occasionally moves the settees to sweep under them, occasionally cooks & I can remember him cleaning the oven a couple of times. I have got into a pattern of not discussing certain stuff in case he blows up & it will take a while to adjust to this better version of my DH. I can see the man I married more & more, which is wonderful. Any thoughts on how housework etc should be shared?

OP posts:

taptonaria27 · 10/03/2017 09:17

That depends somewhat on the age of your kids, mine are 9 & 12 and my DH does less than yours generally. That's fine as I still have a lot of free time that he doesn't.
If you have littlies and are struggling to get things done then ask him to do more.
To us it comes down to the time left over after work is done really. He does a lot more on holiday and at weekends

SpottedOnMN · 10/03/2017 09:23

I'd say he should be doing half of what has to be done while he's around, unless you've had loads of relaxation time during his work hours.

If kids are home all day and young enough to need constant supervision, that might be quite a lot of housework. If they're school age and you're not working, I'd expect you to get virtually everything done during the school day. If you've had loads of relaxation time during the day then it would probably be best if you also took care of the cooking and washing up.

IamFriedSpam · 10/03/2017 09:23

How old are the kids? If they're school age I would think that you could get the housework done while they're at school (although I would expect DH to still be considerate about not leaving a mess everywhere etc.). If they're very young and around during the day I'd expect him to maybe take over with the kids when he gets back home so you can catch up with the housework then you can both relax once the kids are asleep.

downwardfacingdog · 10/03/2017 09:29

Agree. Depends on age of kids. When mine were at home DH did quite a lot, because there was a lot to be done. Now I get it done during the day, though I am increasing my part-time hours so he will need to do more. I don't regard it as 'helping' me though. He sees what needs doing in OUR home and gets on with it. We have five DC so there is a lot of washing to be done, so he will chuck a load on on the weekend. He always puts the DC to bed as he likes to spend that time with them after work.

Original poster

tigercub50 · 10/03/2017 09:31

DD is 8

OP posts:

MamaHanji · 10/03/2017 09:38

It's great that you are trying to work through his issues, but remember to look after yourself too.

In regards to house work, I think a lot of it depends on how old the children are. Mine are 2.8 and 3 months. So when my partner gets home, the house is usually a bomb site and we will get the kids down and he will tackle the kitchen while I'll clear up the living room. Cooking should be roughly 50:50 as it's going to be done in the evening when he is home anyway! I think laundry is usually the responsibility of the person who is at home, as they have the time to shove it in a machine, then 40 minutes later, shove it in the dryer or hang it up. And then time to dry in the day. But I don't wash my partners clothes unless they are in the basket or in front of the machine.

I also passively aggressively move any empty beer bottles or cans left in the floor by his chair, onto his shelf where he keeps all his vaping equipment. It takes about a week before he has no room and finally realises he should probably put them in the recycling.

I'm pretty lucky in that, he will pick up the slack that I often drop in the day. Sometimes he does more than his fair share. But then I spend a lot of time out with the little ones or feeding the baby including at night. Which he respects.

My point is, if you feel it's uneven, then he's not doing enough. If the children are young enough to not be at school, it's a full time job and more. If they are at school, you can probably get all the housework done during the day. But I would still expect my partner to contribute in the evening when he's home. Either cooking dinner or cleaning up after you cook.

paxillin · 10/03/2017 09:40

With two working people, housework should naturally be shared 50:50. If I was working long hours and DH was at home I would expect him to do the household alone if the youngest is 8.

Original poster

tigercub50 · 10/03/2017 09:43

A few times he has cooked on a Sunday ( his only day off) but it has sometimes taken most of the day for him to make whatever it is & in the past he would get unbelievably stressed! Often in the week he doesn't finish work til 8 as he's a driving instructor so it's fair for me to cook but if he could learn some less time consuming dishes, it would be great if he could cook when he finishes earlier.

OP posts:

PlaymobilPirate · 10/03/2017 09:47

Your dd is at school all day so I'd say you have plenty of time to do stuff. His job is outside of the home so surely yours is home stuff?

paxillin · 10/03/2017 09:49

Is your house very big? Does your daughter need an unusual amount of support? One 8 year old and a household are surely manageable if you don't work at all? I don't think it would be fair on him to do that plus working until 8pm.

If I was told we need to split the household more evenly, I'd also ask to split the financing of it more evenly, ie the SAHP goes back to work. It would be different with a couple of babies or pre-schoolers in the house.

IamFriedSpam · 10/03/2017 09:52

I have to agree with others I have two school aged kids and do a bit of part time work DH works long hours and commutes and I get everything done at home (admittedly it's not exactly a show home but neither of us mind that). Sounds like he hates cooking - if you want a break could you get in a tesco dine for two meal or something or just have pasta and pesto. If he only gets one day a week off and does long hours it seems a bit harsh to force him to spend it learning to cook if he doesn't want to.

ShanghaiDiva · 10/03/2017 09:57

As he is working outside the home, I would say that housework during the week is your responsibility including cooking the evening meal. At the weekend housework should be shared, but I think it's reasonable for you to do the majority of the work during the week so you can both enjoy equal leisure time at the weekend.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 10/03/2017 10:01

You have one 8 year old and don't work?!

That's gives you approximately 39 hours per week that she's in school- more than enough time to keep the house tidy and sort dinner surely?!

We have three kids, 9, 19 months and 2 months, DP and I split the week in terms of who looks after the little ones and whoever is home manages to tidy up, shop and cook so im not sure why you find it so difficult?!

Original poster

tigercub50 · 10/03/2017 10:04

DH does enjoy baking & making bread & finds it relaxing, unlike the cooking! I just think it's useful for everyone to know how to make basic dishes & to be able to do it fairly quickly. He used to cook quite often b4 we had our DD & it was always delicious but as I said, took him forever.

OP posts:

PlaymobilPirate · 10/03/2017 10:07

He doesn't want to do it and doesn't have much time to do it. You have loads of time - I can't see what you're getting worked up about.

Could you pick a job you hate and ask him to take it on? Bins / hoovering the stairs / emptying the hoover are bargaining jobs in our house

Underthemoonlight · 10/03/2017 10:09

TBH my dh works long hours I don't work at the moment, I cook and clean. I wouldn't expect him to do jobs around the house when he's been at work so I think your being unreasonable there especially when you have one school age child and don't work I would expect you should do all the cleaning and cooking as your contribution to the household. My Dh does however help with the children, we have three DC 8,3 and 11months. We both get them ready for bed.

Caipir1nha · 10/03/2017 10:12

OP - I'm also a SAHM, but I have 4 school-aged DC. I don't ask DH to do anything in the house and I wouldn't ask him to be cooking at 8pm at night. He probably works longer hours than your DH though. At weekends, I still do the cooking, though we also eat out a lot to be fair.
You have all day and just one child - it's fine!

Butterymuffin · 10/03/2017 10:12

I'd have to say that if he works FT and you are at home, and you have one school aged child, then I would expect you to do most of it (laundry, packed lunches etc). Unless there's something major you haven't mentioned, like you're disabled or also doing a degree or similar.

Underthemoonlight · 10/03/2017 10:13

If your unhappy you can always go back to work and then share the household chores aswell as the financial side.

angieloumc · 10/03/2017 10:19

I think because you're at home all day and your DD is at school that you should be doing the housework and cooking. You probably don't want to hear that but you're very lucky to be able to stay at home IMO, though I am sure you're busy all day.
The only day he gets off you want him to cook even though he doesn't like it just because you think everyone should know basic meals and how to cook them? Obviously when he's on leave it would be different but YABU, I think anyway.,

paxillin · 10/03/2017 10:25

The tasks you want to hand over to your DH could also be done by your DD. Aged 8, she should start to be a helper not another task. No reason you can't teach her to make her own packed lunch, stack the dishwasher or start a load of washing.

JaniceBattersby · 10/03/2017 10:29

Honestly, I'm usually the first to say that any housework done in evenings and weekends should be split equally. But given you're at home all day with no children there it really shouldn't be difficult to do all the cleaning and cooking during the day, unless you live in a mansion. Even if you do one room a day then that surely leaves lots of relaxing time?

How much housework can there really be with one eight year old?

YouTheCat · 10/03/2017 10:31

If I was at home all day and had one school-aged child, I don't think I'd expect any help with cooking/housework bar occasional assistance when your dp is off work.

It sounds like you get a whole lot of leisure time while he gets very little.

I'm by no means a 1950s housewife type and think partners should have pretty equal downtime and that should not be dependent on gender. If the roles were reversed, my view would be the same.

welovepancakes · 10/03/2017 10:33

Agree with YouTheCat

Original poster

tigercub50 · 10/03/2017 10:34

In my defence, I don't expect DH to spend his one day off learning to cook. He can cook but I guess would benefit from learning how to do weekday meals quicker so he can occasionally cook for the 3 of us when he finishes at 5pm. And it is right that DD should be doing stuff too - we have both been saying that.

OP posts:

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