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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect my DH to help more around the house?

90 replies

tigercub50 · 10/03/2017 09:07

I have posted before about my DH & his tendencies to be controlling/abusive. Very happy to say that he is making a huge effort to change & we are going to counselling separately plus he is taking steps to help with his depression. The atmosphere in the house is completely different. That said, he hasn't really changed how much he helps me. He does work quite long hours so I am uncertain how much I should be doing ( I don't work) & how much he should at least be offering to do. He never thinks to put a load of washing on, for example. And it would never occur to him to make our DDs packed lunch etc. Basically he does the dishwasher, occasionally moves the settees to sweep under them, occasionally cooks & I can remember him cleaning the oven a couple of times. I have got into a pattern of not discussing certain stuff in case he blows up & it will take a while to adjust to this better version of my DH. I can see the man I married more & more, which is wonderful. Any thoughts on how housework etc should be shared?

OP posts:
PlaymobilPirate · 10/03/2017 10:38

If he finishes at 5 occasionally then surely that's a time when it's best to have dinner ready (and I'm no 50s housewife either) so that you can all sit down together at a nice time and eat... rather than him getting home and starting to piss about in the kitchen at tea time! He could always wash up those days

NapQueen · 10/03/2017 10:38

If you dont work then realistically what is there left to do at a weekend? Cook meals and clear them up. That really should be all!

Itd be nice if he cooked the evening meals sat and sun if you do the weekday ones.

FreeWeezy · 10/03/2017 10:47

I have a 9 month old, DP works 4 long days a week and I do all of the housework. He might cook on his days off or do the dishes (no dishwasher) but I do almost everything and I wouldn't ask him to do any more Confused I'm struggling to understand what you do all day at home with a child in school. Surely that's more than enough time to get the housework done and a meal in the oven.

Underthemoonlight · 10/03/2017 10:51

Sorry you coming across very lazyif your at home all day own your own when your dd is an independant 8 year old who's at school and you cannot cook him a meal at 5 o'clock, My DH is at work for 6 home at 4.30/5 and his tea is ready for him and our family.I would never expect him to come home after a days work and cook for me. I think you need to alter your needs if you don't like the set up get a job and slit everything. I think your taking advantage. My DF was a SAHP and he always had the meal on the table he never once expected my DM to come out and start cooking when he been at home all day.

Underthemoonlight · 10/03/2017 10:53

This reply has been deleted

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IamFriedSpam · 10/03/2017 10:56

I think the cooking thing is practise. My DH rarely cooks as he doesn't really enjoy it and I have way more free time than him. When he does it's usually nice but for some reason he manages to use about every pot and pan and cooking utensil in the kitchen and get really flustered. Personally it doesn't bother me. If I'm away for a day or two DH can feed the kids healthy enough meals and that's fine for me.

While I don't mind sorting housework I do insist on basic consideration though. I'd be annoyed if he just dumped his smelly underwear in the bathroom instead of putting them in the laundry basket etc. Quality time with the kids is important too. Can you spend his day off doing something nice as a family then just have a simple dinner?

MamaHanji · 10/03/2017 11:03

I think with a child in school, you really should be able to get the housework done. The only reason my house is a tip, is because I have a toddler and a baby destroying it all day. And don't always get time to tidy up until they are in bed.

sabzii · 10/03/2017 11:09

If you don't work outside the home, isn't your job running the household? Which includes cleaning, packed lunches etc? What do you do while DD's at school?

I'm a SAHM to a toddler, I do all the daily chores such as laundry, dishwasher, cleaning, cooking, shopping, I'd feel mean asking DH to help after work. He takes bins out. Cooks about once a month, picks up extra groceries if needed, deals with all bills/admin.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 10/03/2017 11:11

Who does the janitor work? Gutters, grass cutting, car washing and bins?

whattodowiththepoo · 10/03/2017 11:18

I don't know how to ask this without it sounding mean but I'm genuinely interested.
What do you do during the day?

Original poster
tigercub50 · 10/03/2017 11:21

Sorry I don't know how to put a username in bold but this is for UndertheMoonlight - it would take too long to explain what has been going on in my marriage but my DH isn't getting annoyed with me as I haven't said anything to him yet about housework etc. The abuse could come with no warning & very often I had done nothing wrong but even if I had, there is never any excuse for speaking to someone in the way my DH spoke to me. It has at times been pure hell. I am answering my own question as I am being unreasonable up to a point but maybe my views of everything have been "skewed" by what went on. I now feel we are coming back from an extremely dark place & it is a relief to think about everyday stuff instead of whether I was being driven crazy by the person who was supposed to love me. Hope that makes sense.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 10/03/2017 11:28

Agree that he ought to pick up after himself, so no excuse for leaving dirty clothes, used cups etc around. That's standard. But surely the main work on keeping the household going is done by the person at home? I'd include shopping and weekday cooking in that.

Perhaps just weekends you could all cook together one day, which would allow him and DD to learn the skills, and have the other as a day off where you go out to eat or get a takeaway?

I know you've said he has a history of being controlling. But on this issue it honestly seems like you think he's getting (unfairly) a better deal than he actually is.

Underthemoonlight · 10/03/2017 11:43

I am answering in response to your post not in response to your past history. I and other posters can only give response to your op and additional posts and I still stand by my post that it comes across as lazy expecting him to cook for you when your at home and not working when your dh is and your child is at school. It might not be the answer you want but the majority agree most do the same with additional younger children at home.

Caipir1nha · 10/03/2017 11:50

In what ways was he controlling before OP? Do you mean he used to shout at you?

Bantanddec · 10/03/2017 12:01

Your child is school age? What do you do all day? It's not like your running around after toddlers, that's about 6 hours a day of free time?

Original poster
tigercub50 · 10/03/2017 14:29

As far as the controlling behaviour goes, it was mainly that he couldn't bear being criticised or contradicted. Sometimes he wasn't being criticised but he thought he was. He needed to be in charge, I think. And he was generally very manipulative. When I looked online, he seemed to be textbook for emotional abuse but there is always more to it than someone just being a horrible person. It is only in the last month or so that I have been able to start relaxing a bit, not feeling as if I have to walk on eggshells. I think I have got quite lazy - I wouldn't be surprised if I have mild depression because of the situation & I have stopped doing some of the things I used to do. Still, we are on the up & hopefully things will continue to get better 🙂

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 10/03/2017 14:47

Would you like to work outside of the home? It would change the dynamics of your relationship. Might be worth talking this through with your counsellor. Currently your H might feel that as he works long hours and you are a SAHP that your doing the housework etc is fair.

Underthemoonlight · 10/03/2017 15:07

Isn't it the other way when someone constantly criticising you and contradicting you that's it's EA but you say you did that? He could argue you the same?

Trifleorbust · 10/03/2017 15:24

Putting aside the issue of abuse in the relationship, how much can there be to do with one 8 year old in school all day? What do you do during the day that necessitates your DH cooking when he gets home?

margewiththebluehair · 10/03/2017 15:35

It sounds like your home life has been improving and you are working through issues. That is a blessing. You really need to pick your battles and this is not one of them.

There is no rule that he needs to help you. He works 6 days a week and you don't. That makes you a full time house wife. Keep your expectations low. Just resign yourself to being a housewife (that means he just helps when he wants to). It will make for a more peaceful home while you work through the issues. Now, if he asks you specifically about things he could improve, then go ahead and mention it. Housework is just not in his realm of awareness and that isn't something that can change even if you tell him.

BarbarianMum · 10/03/2017 15:41

If my dh was a SAHD to an 8 year old and I waorked full time and he expected me to cook and clean on top of that I'd tell him to swap places. Maybe you should try being the wage earner?

Original poster
tigercub50 · 10/03/2017 16:12

I should have put that he took way too much of what I said as a personal attack on him ( his self esteem is pretty low) & often he thought he was being criticised or contradicted when he wasn't. It's so hard to explain to people not living it. I have issues too & certainly can't claim to be blameless but I would never treat anyone the way I was treated. I ended up thinking that my feelings counted for nothing. He was impossible to argue with & if I tried to tell him how his verbal attacks made me feel, that just made it worse. Everything was always about him. I tried to persuade him to go to Relate for many years but he flatly refused. I am jobhunting & actually when I worked last summer, it boosted my ego & it was great to be able to contribute. Another thing was how good DH was at throwing the fact that I didn't have a job in my face!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 10/03/2017 16:21

With respect, why are you avoiding the topic you posted about? You're asking about housework but seem keen to discuss only other aspects of your relationship. Perhaps another thread?

Original poster
tigercub50 · 10/03/2017 16:31

Going off thread - sorry folks. But I was responding to some posts on here

OP posts:
Naicehamshop · 10/03/2017 16:37

God - there are some horrible comments on here! The op has been struggling with a very difficult situation, and what sounds like a definite case of emotional abuse. The response from the lovely and caring ladies of Mumsnet is to tell her that she is lazy and is probably abusive herself!

Underthemoonlight You are bullying the victim of emotional abuse. Well done.