AIBU to expect my DH to help more around the house?

[tigercub50]

I have posted before about my DH & his tendencies to be controlling/abusive. Very happy to say that he is making a huge effort to change & we are going to counselling separately plus he is taking steps to help with his depression. The atmosphere in the house is completely different. That said, he hasn't really changed how much he helps me. He does work quite long hours so I am uncertain how much I should be doing ( I don't work) & how much he should at least be offering to do. He never thinks to put a load of washing on, for example. And it would never occur to him to make our DDs packed lunch etc. Basically he does the dishwasher, occasionally moves the settees to sweep under them, occasionally cooks & I can remember him cleaning the oven a couple of times. I have got into a pattern of not discussing certain stuff in case he blows up & it will take a while to adjust to this better version of my DH. I can see the man I married more & more, which is wonderful. Any thoughts on how housework etc should be shared?

OP - If he is prone to throwing the fact that you don't work in your face, then you're hardly likely to embrace the role of SAHM / housewife.
I've been a SAHM for many years and it only works where there's mutual respect.
Now that your relationship is improving, maybe it's time to work out what you want for yourself? The housework issue is neither here nor there really.

I'm sorry you've been in a difficult situation, and really glad you are both tackling that, but to answer your original question - if I've got this tight - you say he works long hours, until 8 some nights, and earlier on others, and that he works 6 days a week. You don't have a job outside the home. You only have one dc, who is 8 and obviously at school, are presumably able to dress themselves, amuse themselves and even help out with some jobs. From what you say, he already seems to be doing FAR more than is 'equal' or 'fair'. I am very surprised you think he should be doing more.

Sounds like you've had a lot to deal with.
I'm very vocal on SAHM threads that just because you're at home with the children does not mean you should also be responsible for 100% of the housework. The place I'm coming from is having a 3 year old and a 1 year old.
In your situation (39ish hours a week at home with no children to look after and a DH working 6 days a week) I think you have plenty of time to do the housework and cooking.

I kind of take a backseat when DH is home because I'm a lazy cow but he's a very hands on dad and likes things tidy. We kind of fall into our own unspoken chores; I'm the one who always does the laundry and hoovers and he always takes the bins out and cleans the bathroom and the fridge etc. When it comes to child care, it's about 60/40 when he's home, with him doing more as he's been away from them, etc. If I'm cooking dinner, I will automatically wash up but then he automatically bathes the kids and puts them to bed.
A good line to use is, 'would you rather clean the bathroom or do the laundry?' Or just say, 'could you straighten up while I make dinner?' I know you shouldn't have to ask but the more you ask, the more he will get off his butt.
Glad things are going well. Also, try not to concentrate on what other husbands are doing (even though I've just told you, haha). I know plenty who do absolutely nothing and it's what works in your little dynamic rather than a set formula

Sorry, didn't notice that you have one DD who is in school. Personally, if you are home without a child, I would expect most housework to fall to you, as that's your contribution. Doesn't mean he can't pull his finger out and straighten up etc but stuff like laundry and hoovering and cleansing the bathroom should be your job, IMO. I'd get it all done in the morning so I could have afternoons to myself

I wonder if this isn't really about housework ( and people are right, I am expecting too much for DH to do much more than he is) but maybe about an attempt to regain control of something? Even if that thing is ok anyway?! I have a lot of resentment that has built up & now need to work on letting that go. DH has been trying so hard to change since we reached our crisis point at the end of January & I need to try hard to rebuild trust that has been lost. And everyone is right that I do have quite a bit of free time 🙂

Cleaning not cleansing

I'd expect a non working spouse (whether male or female) to do it all, surely that's the trade off for not helping financially.

If not be happy to work long hours then come home to do housework if the other person didn't have to work and had been home all day.

tigerclub I think you're right that it's not about housework but residual resentment. I know you didn't ask for advise but do you have anything you do just for you outside of the house? Hobbies? Volunteer work? Might be good to be able to get out of the house and feel useful outside of being a mum and house cleaner!

I used to go to karate twice a week & absolutely loved it. Hoping to return soon. And quite a few of my friends have suggested I help out with reading at DDs school. I am planning to do a play therapy course & it would be brilliant if I could find somewhere to volunteer connected to that

Play therapists are highly qualified, the courses often found aren't worth doing if you seriously want to work rather than take a passing interest in a subject.

Naice I have been a victim of EA and of physical you don't know my story and I am not a bully. I was merely pointing out that OPs partner could also consider that they are being attacked in a similar fashion as how op feels, op has admitted faults on both sides. However the post has be derailed as people with giving opinions on the house question in the initial op.

I'm sorry to hear about your past abuse under but I'm surprised that you don't - in that case - feel able to show a little more kindness.

I merely said her dp could consider being personally attacked criticised as a form of EA. As op said there's been fault on been fault on both parts.

Sorry am I reading this right ?

Your husband works 6 days a week, sometimes not coming home until 8 at night, you have one child of eight, you have 'quite a bit of free time' and you still expect him to come home and ' put a load of washing on and make your daughters packed lunch '?

The fact that he 'does the dishwasher' , that's a bonus, but do you really expect him to 'do the housework' when he gets home at night and you've been at home all day?

You say that you are 'seeing more and more of the man I married', perhaps if your expectations of him weren't so skewed, ie 'how should housework be shared ?', he would see ' more of the woman he married' ! If you are not working it's simple.

You do the house etc and he brings home the money that 'allows' you to be at home all day ! No wonder he's getting frustrated and taking stuff out on you, ' I have got into the pattern of not discussing certain stuff in case he blows up', is that whilst he's 'dealing with the dishwasher when you have had 'quite a bit of free time'?

Have you for one minute considered how he might feel ? He's doing a really stressful job, the hours of which far surpass the recommended limit of hours for a work/life balance in order for you not to have to work.

And before you all start, with the usual , ' well he's lashing out at her ' and making her life a misery I would suggest to you all that you 'consider' the reasons above.

Frankiedog, you make some very good points. And reading back through all the posts, I realise how unfair I was being. But my DH has had anger probs & other stuff going on all through our marriage. I felt like leaving quite a few times. He often threatened to but it was all part of the control. Now at last things are improving & we are going to individual counselling & trying to do the very best for DD who of course has also been affected.

RainbowsAndUnicorn, I am looking into student loans with a view to doing a university accredited course. I can go on it without a degree (it's a masters course) as I have an NNEB but I will need to undertake some extra work. I hope to do the initial certificate which qualifies me to get a job, then the diploma which means I can set up my own practice. I am 51 with many years of childcare experience & have been thinking about play therapy since I qualified in 1989. It's only now I have the confidence to go for it.

Sorry lovely,

Didn't mean to sound so harsh, but you are not far off my age and I have had similar.

Resolve it, focus on your home . your DD, and for goodness sake it really is not 'his job' to share the housework, really.

Actually when it came down to it I was being a lazy cow and expecting a bit much. You have the time to do the housework.

Get up off your arse love. He can't do it all and frankly you're being unreasonable.

YABU. If he does 6 days work a week, not finishing until 8pm sometimes, what are you doing each day?
Give the guy a break!

Going back to the washing & packed lunches, it's not about expecting him to do it regularly - it would just be good if it occurred to him that a load needs to go on or that DD needs sarnies etc. She could do her own lunches tho.

Why should it occur to him? Does it occur to you to think about an aspect of his job? He is contributing already to the running of household far more than his share. You are contributing a tiny portion - at least do it all.
There are two totally separate issues in this thread, the housework issue of your op which you have unanimously been told yabu, and his anger issue which isn't acceptable.

Could do her own lunches! It's not as if you're rushing off to work is it?

No - it's just that DH & I have both been saying that DD can be given a bit more responsibility. I don't need the help but she is old enough to start doing a few things. Her only "chore " at the mo really is tidying her room & putting her clean clothes away

Yes I agree that she could be doing a few 'chores' but I think at 8 tidying her room, stacking and emptying the dishwasher, simple things like that are good, not making her own lunch when she's to dress and eat breakfast.