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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be careful with money?

112 replies

mailfuckoff · 10/03/2017 05:51

DH and I are careful with money, we don't spend on lots of stuff and think carefully before spending. We try to get the best value we can and do buy second hand if we can. I earn a good amount and we have thousands in the bank. However we both came from poor familes and I don't want my dc to worry about food or be cold. So I need a safety net in the bank just in case. The only sent we have is the mortgage and I'm over paying on that as much as I can. However at what point does being careful go to far and how do you know if you are tight? I would hate people to think we are mean.

OP posts:
DevelopingDetritus · 10/03/2017 11:37

Do they fancy cruising at all.

IadoreEfteling · 10/03/2017 11:40

silence excellent check list there, we should all refer to it.

Op I have such mean mean money horders in my family, I have raised it on here and told I am jealous! NOt at bloody all! It sucks all joy out of life.

If your worried however do Martin Lewis money organising, then you dont worry.

Break down all your spending and saving, give yourself an allowance for the week to spend on meals out or days out etc, this is what we do now, so we know we have X for the weekend, If we are out and I fancy that hot chocolate, I know the money is there for it - and allocated for it, we can take the dc out - we don't spend it all every week so we carry it over purely for that purpose.
We have separate savings for bdays, holidays, xmas, children's needs eg clothes school trips, another children's needs for extra curricular stuff eg swimming, as well as main savings. Now we are on low wage so amount going in is small each month but it adds up and it means we can relax as we know, spending £60 on zoo at weekend, is not robbing another fund.....If we have accumulated x for holidays - that is for holidays - we still have ££ going elsewhere.

Chasingsquirrels · 10/03/2017 11:42

And that made me smile - thanks ☺.

Probably not cruises, but my mum would like to do more - with my dad. But he has turned into a hermit so she just does stuff on her own.

Maybe I'll tell her to do the tape measure thing on him!

He said something last year about doing something in a couple of years (I can't remember the specifics) and DM said they should do it now, what if he's not around in a couple of years and he was adamant he will be. So why not do it now and something else, or the same again, in a couple of years

IadoreEfteling · 10/03/2017 11:49

raffles i think thats very true that there was little pressure back in 70's for people starting out - now everyone has everything all at once.. Dh and I were like this and fine but MIL made us feel really bad about a few things that were fine for us - shame really.

but not the latest toys or a huge collection of Barbie dolls or the latest Playstation like her contemporarie

But even then you can get all this stuff cheaply, play stations, x box - new models flying out all the time old ones go for a song....toys - barbies - baby sales - charity shops....no need to pay full price...

DevelopingDetritus · 10/03/2017 11:50

Maybe I'll tell her to do the tape measure thing on him! Yes sounds like a good idea. Glad your mum is doing things anyway though. Good for her!

Nonagoninfinity · 10/03/2017 11:53

It sounds to me like you are being reasonable and sensible with your money rather than mean.

In my experience getting the balance wrong with kids and spending can sometimes have unintended consequences when they grow up (i.e a strong inclination to rebel by overspending when they finally can).

Eatingcheeseontoast · 10/03/2017 11:55

We tend to spend on experiences now, not stuff. Have had some lovely holidays - but the house, to be frank, needs a bit of TLC.

The gas fire is a bugger to light - but I want to replace with wood burning stove - but I'm saving up for it!

StarUtopia · 10/03/2017 11:58

I will be teaching my children to do this.

In my 20's, I had a very good job. Earned a lot of money and saved nothing. I basically blew the lot on good living.

That would all be fine if the housing crash hadn't happened, and I hadn't been made redundant!

Now I'm early 40's and broke. Nothing in the bank and literally living hand to mouth. Oh how I wish I had squirrelled money away when I really wouldn't have noticed it!

I might add, I came from a wealthy family, so I think that had a lot to do with it. I never envisaged I could ever be poor? (I'm quite happy though, these things happen)

Save away. Very sensible!

RakingUpBadMemories · 10/03/2017 12:15

DH is permanently anxious about losing his job (he currently earns over 3 times what I do). I'd say he's irrational about it, actually. Sometimes it sort of bubbles up and wrecks the day. We were staying (for free!) with a friend near a beach, and one of the kids wanted to surf. DH was happy for him to hire the board, but not to pay the extra tenner for him to hire the wetsuit. Started saying he wasn't made of money, there had to be a limit, he hadn't allowed for that...

I got a bit stampy. DS got his wetsuit. And our lovely friend, who earns even less than I do and had watched all this in horror, quietly asked me whether DH needed to think about counselling for his anxiety. (Yes, he does, but he finds the thought of paying for it makes it all worse... might just have to kill him and run off with the life insurance instead.)

DonutCone · 10/03/2017 12:28

I'm really tight with somethings and really spendy with others.

All my pants and socks have holes in. I only have one pair of jeans. My hair is cut at the cheapest place I can find, once a year.

I dry everything outside on on a rack, never use the tumble dryer. Heating on only when really, really needed.

Yet my children have ski lessons. We go to the cinema a lot. They have nice clothes and toys.

I'm sure when they grow up though they will remember sometimes being cold and not the nicer things.

TeenAndTween · 10/03/2017 12:36

I would class us as careful, but occasionally it may seem mean.

DDs can go on any educational school trip - DD1 has had 5 trips abroad over the 7 years of secondary. But DDs do not get latest/most expensive phones, loads of clothes etc.

There is a reason for this. Neither DD is likely to have the earning power of myself and DH. They are likely to end up with low/minimum wage jobs. We want them to be able to live within their means, so we don't want them to think that having the latest iPhone / always eating out / designer clothes etc is 'the norm'.

One of the reasons I think todays young people get into debt is they get so much in their teens they think it is 'needed' or 'their right' to have it, so they can't prioritise well.

FuzzyFalafelz · 10/03/2017 19:52

Yes I think teens sometimes get confused with needs and wants. Then plied with the latest gadgets as kids, slowly develop a sense of entitlement (without any of the hard work to earn the cash)

EnormousTiger · 10/03/2017 20:16

We can't answer this for you. My children's father and I were / are both careful with money too. If you are both like that in a couple then it's great. If one is a spender and the other is not it's a big problem. You are lucky to be the careful ones.

I earn quite a lot (enough to pay school fees etc) but there are things people spend money on like new cars and expensive clothes I just would not be prepared to do. The teenagers will often say a friend has XYZ - well great - that family might be better off so get a good job when you grow up and earn that or perhaps the other child is just spoilt. We took out a 10 year mortgage when we moved here which was very tough. I now don't have a mortgage in my 50s. It was worth the pain at the time but other people would have wanted to buy new furniture or stuff for the house or to do it up as well and have a longer mortgage. Everyone has their own ideas of what feels right for them.

OhTheRoses · 10/03/2017 21:22

teenandtween. Why will your dd's only have low or minimum wage jobs unlike you and your DH?

Happinessisthis · 10/03/2017 21:31

DH and I own 2 houses; one we rent one we live in (with 2 kids) childcare is about 250 a month. My job is not guaranteed or secure. Neither is DH. We have income from our rented property and I inherited a substantial amount 18 months ago when my father passed away (this paid for a small amount in each kids savings, my car and the second home) income from rent pays some of the mortgages. I like to have 5k in the bank as a safety. But I also like to spend. It's what you deem as important and what bothers you most in life.
I don't go mad and spoil the kids but I also like to buy small treats every few days and have nice days out. If it's important to you do it. Also, don't put off doing something you want, if you can afford it but don't want to eat into savings. Life is for living. Spend (within reason) and enjoy.
My father ended up paying hundreds of thousands in inheritance tax and paying for his own care fees. He did have a happy life though but it could have been more comfortable had he been willing to spend

Astoria7974 · 10/03/2017 21:34

Yanbu I'm the same way.

malificent7 · 10/03/2017 22:28

Im very frugal... aldi savers etc when im skint because i have to be.
I do spend when i have it because i like to enjoy life before i die.

BonnieF · 11/03/2017 00:13

Very interesting, thought provoking thread.

My grandparents scrimped and saved throughout their lives, and never enjoyed the money they accumulated. They refused to have a phone, they would complain about being cold in winter but wouldn't turn the heating up. It was so sad. When they finally did have enough to enjoy their retirement, they just couldn't bear to spend it.

Being sensible and prudent with money is a good thing. But life is short, and it isn't a dress rehearsal. I will never be profligate with money, but I won't be like my grandparents, either.

FuzzyFalafelz · 11/03/2017 03:21

I find it good fun being frugal. Hand me downs, crazy camping holidays, cheap day adventures with friends. I think it's easy to create fun without spending/spending little. However it's important to be financially giving and willing with certain things.

UptownFlunk · 11/03/2017 04:44

My mind was really changed about this recently as my grandparents scrimped and scraped for years, never had holidays, often bought secondhand clothes and always had old cars. They owned their own house outright from quite an early age, but I didn't think they had much in the way of savings. Turns out they had hundreds of thousands of pounds and now that money will go to other people. I feel so sad that they missed out on so many things in life that they could have enjoyed. Life is very short and although I believe in having a safety net but I also very much believe in enjoying the money you've earned and using it to enjoy your life and have lots of lovely memories to look back on. You're a long time dead.

EnormousTiger · 11/03/2017 12:44

I don't think we can judge others on this. Many of us are very happy indeed when we have some money saved adn that is huegly more pleasurable than spending money. Others cannot understand that for a second and say life is for the living, you cabn't take it with you and they aren't wrong either -just different personalities. I am not unhappyh because I don't often eat out. I have loads of hugely fun things in my life which don't cost a penny!

Also you can ensure the state does not get it in inheritance tax by giving it away and living 7 years. I have just given quite a bit to the 3 old older children for housing and as I will live another 30 y ears that money will now not be subject to inheritance tax.

MillionToOneChances · 11/03/2017 12:54

Also you can ensure the state does not get it in inheritance tax by giving it away and living 7 years. I have just given quite a bit to the 3 old older children for housing and as I will live another 30 y ears that money will now not be subject to inheritance tax.

Not inheritance tax, no, but if you need a care home it could be clawed back from your children going back a lot further than 7 years - at least 15.

MillionToOneChances · 11/03/2017 12:57

Actually my comment was based on comments on another thread, but these seem to be the facts:

www.ageuk.org.uk/Documents/EN-GB/Factsheets/FS40_deprivation_of_assets_in_the_means_test_for_care_home_provision_fcs.pdf?dtrk=true

MrEBear · 11/03/2017 13:29

Thinking of older people who scrimp but with huge pots of money in the bank. Is it a case of they were poor earlier in their lifes and needed to scrimp and can't shake off that mindset?
I also sometimes think older people lose track of how much stuff costs, i.e. 30 or 40 years ago they maybe could get a holiday for say £500 today they are still thinking they should only pay £500 for a holiday. Then take that mindset across everything, shopping, heating, luxuries like eating out.

Alice212 · 11/03/2017 13:36

I'm tighter than a gnat's arse by the MN definition.

Hence having enough to survive redundancy etc.

YANBU at all. Your DC will appreciate savings etc if they're ever in a jam and you can help out.