AIBU to be careful with money?

[mailfuckoff]

DH and I are careful with money, we don't spend on lots of stuff and think carefully before spending. We try to get the best value we can and do buy second hand if we can. I earn a good amount and we have thousands in the bank. However we both came from poor familes and I don't want my dc to worry about food or be cold. So I need a safety net in the bank just in case. The only sent we have is the mortgage and I'm over paying on that as much as I can. However at what point does being careful go to far and how do you know if you are tight? I would hate people to think we are mean.

We were careful for years like you it meant our mortgage was paid off when in our thirties which then meant our money built up very rapidly. We have then had a few years where we have started to spend more. We also have lots of investments, great pensions no love though.

There is the possibility we may get divorced it's a shit time but at least I know we can just buy another house.

Sensible:- having the odd night out with friends
Mean:- going to some or all of the nights out and nursing one single drink/moaning how expensive it all is/cadging lifts here and back because you want to save the petrol

I think meanness is a character trait v different to being poor or careful/sensible with money.

I wonder if I'm mean because I never know the socially acceptable amount to spend on presents. So a 40th for a friend will be an tasteful ornament plus a bottle of fizz - is that tight? I'm happy to buy drinks for people out and about and pay my share of the meal (not broken down by who had what) but I'm always second guessing myself.

I take the same approach as you - I have a really good salary and lots in savings and I don't spent much - I'll have the odd splurge and we do go on holiday etc but I'm very much a saver - my only debt is my mortgage.

I also came from a low income family - my mum is if the view that you can't take it with you so spends money like it's going out of fashion (she's unemployed and on benefits).

Her attitude ended up bankrupting her and my dad 15 years ago leading to our house to be repossessed and we had to split up and stay with various family - I'll never put my daughter in that position and would rather save and over pay my mortgage to give us more security.

Raffles your life sounds similar to ours. We were pretty hard up when we were first married - second hand furniture, rented black and white TV, no washing machine so used the laundrette, no central heating and only used one bar of the gas fire to prevent frostbite stay warm in winter, drove a clapped out old car etc.

Now we are mortgage free, can afford to run a couple of nicer cars and if I see an item of clothing I like I can buy it without waiting several weeks. However, old habits die hard and I still wouldn't pay Boden prices for clothes and get a thrill when dishwasher tablets are half price.

We have savings, but take the view that life is for living and there are some things worth splashing out on.

DD's friends think she is posh because we live in a 4 bedroomed detached house. I pointed out to her that most of her friends parents have a higher income than we do, will have better pensions and go on more holidays than we do. We don't live extravagantly or have expensive hobbies and we don't eat out very often or have many takeaways.

But the main reasons is that we are much older than her friends parents. I was 41 when DD was born and we were much more financially secure than many new parents. We have been on the housing ladder since 1979 and have gradually moved up it to where we are now.

I think it really varies from one social circle to another. Your present sounds absolutely fine to me. Although I'd say I tend to buy cheap gifts for my friends and family - none have seem offended so far.

"Mean: taking any money they get for birthdays/Christmas/jobs for neighbours, and insisting every penny goes into the savings account and that they must never ever make a withdrawal."

My parents did this, but at 14 I had a bank card and could take money out. I didn't really need money before then as everything was paid for by our parents so I don't think that's mean.

I wouldn't spend more than 20 or 30 pounds on a birthday present. 200 for a bottle of whisky sounds mad to me, but I suppose if you have the money and you're sure the receiver will taste the difference...

Mean is what I'd call people to don't have heating on when it's cold or don't have proper lighting.

I am very similar. I come from a rather poor background and that left its legacy. At times, I felt my parents were mean but in hindsight they offered me a good chance of education which I grabbed so now, I don't really need to worry about money BUT... I do.
I'm the 1% but I still buy reduced food, (seriously, onions or perfect potatoes out of date?), I cook from scratch, I still shop at TKmaxx and reduced racks.
My DD has a good education and varied hobbies but not the latest toys or a huge collection of Barbie dolls or the latest Playstation like her contemporaries. She is a tomboy so she'd go through clothes like they were disposable tissues, one wear and they'd be holes and mystery stains so it's Primark for her too. My car is 12 year old but reliable and strong. Why change it?
On the other hand I taken my friends on high tea in Claridge's because one wanted it all her life but couldn't afford it. It was her 60th and to avoid embarrassment, I said it was expensed for work.
When I have people over I cook and offer good food and drinks.
I give to charity a lot.
I take my extended family, all 15 of us, on an all inclusive holiday in the Caribbean as most of them couldn't afford it and I rocked my £10 bikini from the sales at Matalan!
If someone thinks, I mean, then I don't know.

You sound fine OP.
Funny, I was just posting on the "Stingiest things you do" thread about this very matter.

OP you have my admiration. I reckon you have your head well and truly screwed on. Today so many families are in debt and think nothing of discussing how to transfer credit card debt to get zero interest. If they lost their jobs they have nothing to fall back on. You are giving your family security and maintaining a much less stressful environment for them to grow up in. Well done!

Gwen not sure our whiskey receiver will taste the difference (I don't know much about whiskey!) but I am hoping he will appreciate the difference!. :)

£200 gifts are not the norm, though. Usually for us a nice bottle of fizz etc.

I agree it is about prioritising and being happy to spend money on what you value. We could afford a much better car too I guess, but that is not something I would value or appreciate. I'd rather spend the money on a holiday tbh.

Astonished you most certainly are like us!

We got on the housing ladder in 1978 and, just like you, we started off with virtually nothing and definitely no washing machine for the first 3 years. (And then the first one was a much loved second hand twin tub
which had an oil leak and our tv was colour but a repossessed rental from Radio Rentals!!)

Life was bloody good fun back then though even though we didn't have much at all. Wouldn't have swapped it for the world! I think younger people today have to contend with and live up to so much peer pressure which just didnt seem to exist back then.

Raffles shuffles off on her zimmer frame now 😂😂😂

Op, We are also careful and I sometimes stop and wonder whether we are too careful, given how my mum was.

I was brought up in a working class, but poor family in Yorkshire, we didn't go without, had a car, holidays, in fact they paid for me to go to a direct grant school for 2yrs till such schools were abolished.

But - as mum got older she was a little too tight with money, esp the small things. Not as bad as OhTheRoses PIL, she did go on holidays abroad, cruises etc, but she wouldn't take a £5 taxi to town as she had a bus pass, even when she was starting to fall.

She had haircuts at a cheap place, even when she was terminally ill and I wanted the neighbour’s hairdressing daughter to come in, she complained it would cost too much! She repeatedly told myself and another female cousin that we didn't know how to food shop properly!! She was one of 7 who grew up v poor in 20s and 30s, but as an older cousin said, she was the tightest of all of them. I am not sure if it was her upbringing, or the fact she was bankrolling my brother who has never worked. Probably both. She had a low 6 figure sum in bank when she died.

We are early 50s, both have better-than-average paid jobs and have a large sum in savings - a mixture of being careful, buying houses v young (so mortgage free early 30s), some inheritance off my mum last year and a windfall from some compulsory share sales last year.

I do look at the amount occasionally and think "perhaps we should spend more" but we don’t go without, we eat well at home and eat out regularly, we just had a hotel break, we give DS a generous allowance at uni, buy him extra food shops if we visit, both kids have decent xmas and birthday presents as do the few friends I buy for. We have generally had annual holidays in our touring caravan, here and abroad, but do treat ourselves on the holidays (last year was Switzerland and we spent on trips up the Jungfrau and other attractions whilst there - not cheap for 4 people but the memories will last a lifetime). We supplement caravan hols with cottage breaks (a couple over New Year), hotel breaks etc. We have done long haul to Canada and doing another this year to US. We aren’t going mad, but we certainly aren’t skimping either. (Unlike a friend who also going long haul - family business just merged in a big deal, but her DH has sought out the cheapest of the cheap flights, even though it means travelling a lot further to UK airport. That, I do find hard to understand.)

Like others, we are not into expensive clothes, I hardly wear make-up, we barely drink and don’t smoke, but we do like decent cars, as we commute and tow a caravan. We are currently looking for a new one for me. Whilst I hanker after a brand new one, the careful side of me says think about the depreciation so I will get a 6-12 month old one. The kids never go without, but aren’t spoilt either. They both have decent savings we have built up for them and a pension!

We are now at the stage of thinking we may be able to retire in early 60s and then do some serious travelling, which will make all our saving worthwhile.

So as others have said, there is a big difference between being careful and mean and I think the latter is when you stop doing things, buying things, always go for cheapest etc. even when you can easily afford to do/buy them.

DS19 seems to have inherited our careful attitude to money, not sure about DD16, she's still a little too quick to fritter!

Oops - that should say not poor family

My parents were like you.

I think there's a fine line. I think I'm too far the other way, which is a reaction.

I don't think they were so much mean, as very tight-my dad's background was hand to mouth, both being empty, and his reaction was to save for a rainy day through the rain.

Things that they did, which were saving money and my thoughts:

Packed lunch always if we went out.
Mostly sensible-would have been nice if occasionally, say once a year we had eaten out.
Eating out was buying one Danish pastry between 5 of us...

On the subject of days out, free (even if you'd travelled much further to get there) always.
We used to sit on the beach in freezing rain/fog/ice forming on the waves on holiday as inside options charged. I didn't mind though, dsis did: Mostly sensible, but occasionally there were things that would have been really good to go to, close and wouldn't have cost much which dp refused to look at, but they'd travel much much further to go to something free.

Economy drives: These used to happen after a particularly big electric/gas/telephone bill. Being sensible and switching things off is fine. Thermostat on 13 degrees (they still do that) and eating in the almost dark used to give me headaches-I've discovered since my eyes don't react to the light as they should...

Second hand stuff:
Generally sensible. They tended to get good quality second hand. Mostly didn't bother me.

No shop bought cakes:
Mum made lovely cakes. However I would have preferred not to be told "aren't you glad you've got a lovely home made cake which is so much better for you than those horrid dripping with chocolate shop bought things"

Hand me downs:
I have a gripe about this as I was 2nd girl, so always got the hand me downs. Dsis (being the first) and dbro (being a boy) got new far more than me in everything. When on the odd time I did get new, I usually had to get a boy's thing so it could hand down to dbro, so I didn't get a choice as they did.
I also was small and dbro and dsis were tall, so things were often taken off me to hand down to dbro before I'd grown out of them and before I was anywhere near getting dsis' old one.
Dsis also tended to wreck things so often I got it broken and despite it not being any worse when I'd finished, often they'd decide it wouldn't do dbro too (probably because he was hard on things too) so he'd get new. Always felt I was punished for being careful.
Sometimes they'd promise me that I'd get new shortly. If I put that the chest of drawers I inherited from dsis (completely wrecked, none of the drawers pulled out properly, and the bottoms were out of over half of them-she'd had new) I was promised a new one when I was 10. I got the new one when I was 20 and engaged to be married, and no it wasn't as a present to take away, it's still in my old room. I'm still waiting for some of the "definitely buy you the next one new"

Presents:
This is where me and dsis disagree.
Presents often were practical things. Didn't usually bother me (although the sleeping bags bought entirely to leave at dgran's so when we visited we could use them, as a main Christmas present were going a little far) but dsis feels that was bad and embarrassing. She particularly remembers the year we got hand made hot water bottle covers as a main Christmas present. I loved mine, but she remembers just wondering what on earth she was going to say when friends asked her what she got. We were both teens at the time.

Make do and mend:
I still follow that. I quite like darning.

Not getting the latest gadgets:
If I say we had a b/w TV until 1989, and dp got their first video player in 2001, you'll see they weren't just a little behind the times!
Didn't bother me (we still don't have a TV) but dsis and dbro felt it was an issue.

Buying new left until the very last minute:
My school blazer that only got replaced when the sleeves were not quite covering my elbows was a case in point. Dm was more embarrassed than me

When it came to things that mattered, generally dp were generous. They are very generous now that they have bit of money spare.

I think mostly they were sensible and just careful. In some things it did make me feel worth less than my siblings because I tended to miss out both by being 2nd girl and by being less persistent in complaints. There was also more money around for dbro so he gained a lot from that.
There were things that spilled into meanness. I think heating/lights were probably the worst thing.

There were times there were things I wanted to do/have that were told they couldn't afford. In most cases you could have rephrased it as "we choose not to spend money on that". You can argue both ways that, but most of the time it was reasonable. I say similar things to my dc-like when dd2 appears with yet another trip letter that costs over £2k, yes we could pay it, but to be fair to the others they would also be able to do it, which is £6k for all three dc and that would leave us very tight.

I'm sensible, DP is mean.

I would never buy a brand new car even if I had millions. It would just break my heart to know that it would lose 20% of its value the minute I drove it off the forecourt. But both of us would, if we had the money, spend a lot on a classic British sports car because we love them.

DP will never buy a car or motorbike for less than he could sell it for the next day, scours the internet for hours on end and consequently gets great bargains. But he's happy to spend a lot of money on good beef fillet when we fancy a stroganoff, or dinner and a night in a really nice hotel for a treat. He buys his suits in Matalan, but would never dream of buying cheap motorbike gear, because it doesn't last, leaks and doesn't give such good protection in the event of an accident (although he hasn't had one of those in 38 years of regular riding). We both love a bargain, but will happily spend up to a grand on a painting. We buy basics in Aldi or Tesco and treat ourselves in Waitrose or M&S. I get my tights and knickers any old where but spend hundreds on a handbag.

We don't get stuff on credit though. We only buy what we can afford, have savings, and if the savings drop below a certain level, we'll have a couple of "paupers' months" till they're topped up again.

We're careful with buying stuff but splash out more on experiences.

We're not bothered about branded clothes, have a 10 year old car, could do with replacing our carpet in our bedroom and need a new TV which is on the blink.

But we eat out when we like (not really often but at least once a month, sometimes taking the train to the next City if there's a place we'd all like to go). We go away a few times a year...not big travellers abroad but quite a few weekend/4 day trips, always something different. I think the dc have probably visited nearly every County in the uk. We pay for the dc to do all the one off extra curricular things they want like (ridiculously expensive) away trips and so on. Go to the Panto or Theatre a couple of times a year, do one off random day trips to an archery centre or similar.

A couple of years ago Dh and I had a big disagreement about our summer holiday. He wanted to go to DLP which we really wanted to take the dc to. I'd been looking at our neighbours new drive which was lovely and thought we should spend a couple of K on doing ours (which was perfectly fine but just not pretty like the neighbours) instead and skip the trip.

He changed my mind when he said 'ok we'll do a test. We'll do both. I'll take the kids to DLP for a week, you get the drive done and sit on that for a week. Let's see who's had the better time when we're all back'. Put it right back into perspective for me!

That's a great test Emeraldie!

My mum can be afraid to spend money sometimes- both my parents were very poor growing up, both are very well off now. DDad was trying to persuade my mum to go on a lovely cruise on the Queen Mary 2- one of his lifelong dreams, and she kept saying it was too expensive, what about the Isle of Wight instead.

... So dad got out a tape measurer and stretched it out to the number 82. He said ;' Look... this is the average life expectancy for women.' Then he put his finger onto the 70 mark. 'And this is where we are'.

They went on the cruise.

That''s a great story about the tape measure. I bet your mum didn't regret spending the money in the end either.

We are the same. From poor backgrounds, very careful with cash, overpaying mortgage, buying second hand. We also allocate a sensible budget for fun stuff (seeing friends, cinema, day out at the zoo, special birthday meals out) and we also allocate a sensible budget for gifts and kids clubs. Occasionally we visit a cafe but wouldn't buy a meal. We are not particularly materialistic and we are environmental. We like lots of simple things (days by the seaside, visiting friends farms).

I have friends who live differently. One family only buys essentials and nothing else. They have a very very modest lifestyle but still have nice times on a shoestring. They struggle to treat themselves occasionally, which is a shame. They own two houses outright through being careful. Another family I know has an income of 120k but lots of gadgets, expensive cars, expensive hobbies with the best equipment, kids kitted out superbly, expensive holidays. They live beyond their means and despite a huge income, still have a large long lasting mortgage.

My mum has rather taken to cruises, Detritus.

:)

Ow, all those lovely trips and memories Cocoa. My mum and dad had some lovely holidays too, not one penny was wasted there either

The tape measure thing has made me cry (everything is making my cry atm). My mum & dad are early 70's.