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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that DP slept with my sister-in-law?

133 replies

ChangeToday · 09/03/2017 14:07

Name changed for this one - it's come as a bit of a shock!

I met DP through my brother as they are very close friends. I've always had a bit of a turbulent relationship with my SIL as she's a bit of a drama queen and loves a good argument and that is the absolute opposite to how I think life should be.

The 4 of us have become quite close over the past couple of years, with DP being such good friends with my brother and me making a real effort to be friends with SIL. We have had a few nights out recently and she has made some comments that bothered me, and has also been extremely flirty with DP. To cut a long story short, it led me to ask DP if anything had ever happened between them both and it turns out that the first night they ever met (over 15 years ago!) he slept with her.

Neither of them did anything wrong. They were single and met on a night out. It just turned out that she ended up seeing my brother and marrying him instead!

I feel absolutely gutted about it all though. I feel stupid that I knew nothing about it and really sad that DP didn't tell me until I specifically asked.

DP is absolutely not the flirty type and has never ever done anything to make me question how much he loves me. He said he just never felt that there was a right time to bring this up and it was so long ago and clearly meant absolutely nothing. It's come up because she was clearly angling to tell me.

Have posted in AIBU as I genuinely don't know if I am BU by letting this bother me. I feel almost betrayed in a way. Like they had a secret I didn't know. I can't get the thought of it out of my head. She has no idea that I know yet...

OP posts:
MaQueen · 09/03/2017 17:26

Outclass her. You need to appear politely underwhelmed by this news, next time she alludes to it. Depends how good an actress you are, but just smile benignly about it.

People only ever want to make others unhappy when they, themselves, are unhappy too.

AmserGwin · 09/03/2017 17:26

Next time she makes a remark - just say ' it was only sex you know' roll your eyes and walk away.

Stormtreader · 09/03/2017 17:32

"Oh, he's come on leaps and bounds since YOU knew him" tinkly laugh

NewPuppyMum · 09/03/2017 17:37

Meaningless or not to your DP given she married your brother he really should have told you but having said that, she is a cow to keep hinting like she had something over you. There was nothing really to be gained by you knowing, other than being told by your DP and you knowing he had no unreasonable secrets, and it feels like she liked/likes having something over you.

RevEm · 09/03/2017 17:42

YANBU I would have expected my husband to tell me if he'd ever slept with my SIL.

And I'd be a bit miffed, and probably a bit jealous too.

But try not to let it come between you, although I would tell your husband that any flirting needs to stop now even more than ever!

GeekyWombat · 09/03/2017 17:43

I like kittybiscuits response...

HashiAsLarry · 09/03/2017 17:50

I'd be half tempted to throw in a side comment about a brush with STDs around 15 years ago but that would be childish.

Your DP should have told you way back when but your SIL is a piece of work.

40somethingwonderful · 09/03/2017 17:52

I like kittybiscuit's response too.

magoria · 09/03/2017 17:53

Actually I think it should be the DP who tells her it is water under the bridge, everyone knows all about it and she is just embarrassing herself.

It will sting a lot more from him and make it VERY CLEAR that he is not amused with this going on in front of the woman he loves and has chosen a relationship with.

ElspethFlashman · 09/03/2017 17:54

I think I would do a loud weary sigh and "Oh who cares? Move on!" in exasperated tone.

Complete with eye roll of course.

miniatureegg · 09/03/2017 17:55

Urgh this would drive me insane. I hate feeling like everyone is in on it behind my back Confused not unreasonable and tricky (for me anyway) to not react.

SanitysSake · 09/03/2017 17:59

Did your DP pick up on the fact she was dropping hints?

ClaryIsTheBest · 09/03/2017 18:08

Not unreasonable.

And she does sound rather... difficult.

I'd steer the convo in the ladies loo and make a sly comment about how he says that every woman he ever slept with (before you) had turned out to be a total basket case. Even those from when he was in his teens & early 20's!

I like that suggestion :)

rollonthesummer · 09/03/2017 18:11

Elspeth it was comments along the lines of 'oh I know DP better than most' or 'ooh that takes me back to when we all first met, but I couldn't possibly say anymore hehe' - that type of thing

I'm baffled that she's been making comments like this for fifteen years but you've only just thought to ask your husband if anything ever happened?!

Your husband should have told you years ago.

Hulababy · 09/03/2017 18:25

rollon - don't think OP and her DP have been together 15 years. They aren't married, and OP says they only got close as a foursome in the past couple of years or so.

FantasticButtocks · 09/03/2017 18:32

Next time she makes one of those shit-stirring comments, look her dead in the eye and say 'I assume you are referring, again, to that little bit of ancient history you have with DP? Why do you keep bringing it up? What is your point? What are you hoping to achieve, exactly?' And just hold her gaze. Hopefully she will be mortified and never refer to it again.

rollonthesummer · 09/03/2017 18:33

Doh, sorry-I was trying to do rathertoo much at once. Apologies, OP!

Astoria7974 · 09/03/2017 19:04

Call her out publically for being inappropriate, ideally in front of your brother. That should put an end to it.

Original poster
ChangeToday · 09/03/2017 20:22

Rollonthesummer it's ok :) yes we've only been together 5 years and the comments have only started in the last few months.

Some great advice on here, I do really appreciate it thank you

OP posts:
Graceflorrick · 09/03/2017 20:26

This would be a deal breaker for me. How awkward OP Flowers

Mysteriouscurle · 09/03/2017 20:56

I think bewty has nailed it with the bet idea. She'd never do it again if you did that. Brilliant idea

RandomMess · 09/03/2017 21:06

How about "I can't believe that one quick drunken shag means so much to you after 15 years? Aren't you happy with DB?" Because actually she is being pretty offensive to your brother too!

rollonthesummer · 09/03/2017 21:42

I wonder why she only started making comments a few months ago when you've been together for 5 years?

What do your brother and DP say when she does it?

FoxInABox · 09/03/2017 21:56

Op I completely understand how you feel- I found out three years after meeting somebody - who I saw most days briefly- that she was my DHs 'first'. I felt completely sick and betrayed that he hadn't told me straight away so basically they had a 'secret' together that they both knew all that time and I didn't. I hated that she constantly made comments about my children and when I found that out, it seemed even stranger. Dh was scared to tell me for whatever reason, and said as time went on it seemed harder to then tell me as he should have just said it at the beginning- it only came to light when I asked him outright. It's such a horrible feeling to feel like you have been betrayed or even lied to in a way. It does pass, just talk about it and let him know how it's made you feel.

TisMeTheLadFromTheBar · 09/03/2017 21:57

My friend slept with her Dh's
Best friend before they started dating. Her DH has no idea about it and the BF was groomsman at their wedding.

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