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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to be upset that DP slept with my sister-in-law?

133 replies

ChangeToday · 09/03/2017 14:07

Name changed for this one - it's come as a bit of a shock!

I met DP through my brother as they are very close friends. I've always had a bit of a turbulent relationship with my SIL as she's a bit of a drama queen and loves a good argument and that is the absolute opposite to how I think life should be.

The 4 of us have become quite close over the past couple of years, with DP being such good friends with my brother and me making a real effort to be friends with SIL. We have had a few nights out recently and she has made some comments that bothered me, and has also been extremely flirty with DP. To cut a long story short, it led me to ask DP if anything had ever happened between them both and it turns out that the first night they ever met (over 15 years ago!) he slept with her.

Neither of them did anything wrong. They were single and met on a night out. It just turned out that she ended up seeing my brother and marrying him instead!

I feel absolutely gutted about it all though. I feel stupid that I knew nothing about it and really sad that DP didn't tell me until I specifically asked.

DP is absolutely not the flirty type and has never ever done anything to make me question how much he loves me. He said he just never felt that there was a right time to bring this up and it was so long ago and clearly meant absolutely nothing. It's come up because she was clearly angling to tell me.

Have posted in AIBU as I genuinely don't know if I am BU by letting this bother me. I feel almost betrayed in a way. Like they had a secret I didn't know. I can't get the thought of it out of my head. She has no idea that I know yet...

OP posts:

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 09/03/2017 14:49

Justwant Now that's awkward!

BertsBlanket · 09/03/2017 14:50

Lonny's is good.

Or, nect time she makes a dig about the past:

"SIL, we all know what happened back then, no need to make a drama of it" and make her feel silly.

babyunicornvomit · 09/03/2017 14:51

This would upset me too buy after 15 years he obviously loves you and seems not to care at all for her. It happened the one time, maybe tell him you're upset and that you need time to understand it - I'd stay away from SIL she seems like a not very nice person.

shovetheholly · 09/03/2017 14:57

I think your DH should have told you previously there was this history there. That way, you wouldn't be having this shock!

I understand how you feel, but I think this will settle as you get more used to the idea. Just keep telling yourself that firstly, he married YOU, and secondly, this is no different to him having sex with other people before you guys met. If she hints at it again, just say "We all make dreadful mistakes when we're young, don't we?"

Pinkheart5915 · 09/03/2017 14:58

Them having had sex wouldn't bother me at all, it was 15 years ago and let's face it we all have a past don't we. I certainly wouldn't be upset by that.

The sil attitude however is another matter, why is she like it? Maybe she's just a bitch.
Thing is if sil life is so much better than yours in her competition of life why is she unable to let go of something that happened 15, Yes 15 years ago?

mortificado · 09/03/2017 14:58

What wando said!

Mathena · 09/03/2017 14:58

She sounds so insecure. She is married to your brother and is kind of trying to ''urinate'' around your partner as well !!!?

I agree with others, next time she brings it up trying to be all mysterious and dramatic, gloss over it really quickly with some comment like ''yeh 15 years ago is well fifteeeeeeeeen years ago and we've all lived and learnt". inference being you've lived and learned from mistakes made

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 09/03/2017 15:03

I can see why DP never really found the right moment to disclose this - but having it come out later made it into a far bigger deal than it needed to be.

Now SIL is having fun at your expense.

I'm afraid you can't fight DB's battles for him. Any time SIL drops this history in conversation, you could just shrug:
"Oh that - ancient history/water under the bridge".

BeIIatrix · 09/03/2017 15:04

I don't think I could be friends with her to be honest, with all this competition stuff, her house or kids or job is better in some way its passive aggressive one up-manship. She IS insecure and clearly feels threatened by YOU

What happened, happened years ago, and wouldn't bother me, its all the stuff that is happening now that would make me mad, the one upman ship and this We have had a few nights out recently and she has made some comments that bothered me, and has also been extremely flirty with DP

I would wipe the deck with her for the stuff recently, but I wouldn't let her know that I knew about the historical stuff - as far as I would see it, not my problem / business

ElspethFlashman · 09/03/2017 15:05

When are you going to be running into her again?

BeIIatrix · 09/03/2017 15:06

BUT I would be shocked if my husband hadn't told me he had shagged a close family member that I saw on the regular I think the secrecy would wind me up

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 09/03/2017 15:12

If she brings it up again id make a comment along the lines that you'll let dp know he made such an impression that she still thinks about it so many years later, you're sure he'll be rather flattered, if a little confused that such a mundane one night stand meant so much to her.... tilt head, big smile, walk off....

Pallisers · 09/03/2017 15:12

'oh I know DP better than most' or 'ooh that takes me back to when we all first met, but I couldn't possibly say anymore hehe'

Next time she says something like this say right out- whether other people are there or not "god, are you talking about when you and DP had that shag all those years ago? Why?*

She won't mention it again.

HouseworkIsASin10 · 09/03/2017 15:15

'oh I know DP better than most'

My response would be 'ha ha, yeh he said you were a shit shag'

You and DP need to have a 'knowing look' at each other whenever she pulls that crap.

Seriously it would wind me up because DP never gave you a heads up. There's nothing worse that somebody having one over on you regarding your partner.
I would never let it show in front of her though.

TBH I would probably stop being in company with the jealous little witch. Your poor brother being stuck with her.

FemelleReynard · 09/03/2017 15:18

I'd do what Wando says!

TheFirstMrsDV · 09/03/2017 15:18

It wouldn't bother me but YANBU to feel upset. Your feelings are your feelings.

I had a right go at my OH a few years back.
He was talking about my SIL and said something really horrible about her. I pulled him up and his explanation was that she went out briefly with one of his brothers a while before she went out with and married another one.

We are talking about something that happend 30 years ago! Her 'label' had become entrenched in family lore and the poor woman had never escaped it ffs.

I pointed out to my OH that his brother had EIGHT children with EIGHT different women, one of the mothers were pregnant when he walke up the aisle with his wife and all of the others were born whilst he was married to her!

Yet somehow he escaped the 'label'.

OH doesn't think badly of her anymore.

diddl · 09/03/2017 15:30

Has she been saying this stuff in front of both of you?

If so I can't believe that he said nothing!

Sounds horrible-I guess she's fishing to find out if you know or get a rise from you.

mydietstartsmonday · 09/03/2017 15:33

She is a cow, you need about of PA behaviour. When she goes on about better car or house go wink, wink, "but I have Mr.NameChange", wink wink.

Batteriesallgone · 09/03/2017 15:43

I feel sorry for your brother tbh. You say he's so used to drama he's zoned out his wife flirting with other men? Making inappropriate comments to his sister?

Be careful what you say. If their relationship is unhappy you don't want to find yourself taking flak for causing upset between them.

listsandbudgets · 09/03/2017 15:46

If she brings it up just smile sympathetically and sweetly say

"yes dear, he's always rather regretted the experience but never liked to let on"

ImperialBlether · 09/03/2017 15:48

Bloody hell, MrsDeV, your husband's brother sounds a bit of a one!

Original poster

ChangeToday · 09/03/2017 15:52

TheoriginalLEM I really like your idea - thank you.

Iris65 - I think he gets tired of it all, but he loves her and is 100% loyal and will quite often say "well, it is for better and for worse" with his most positive smile.

livefornaps I like that perspective. And OohNoDooEy totally agree that not fueling the drama is the best thing I can do.

BadTasteFlump - exactly! It doesn't feel like a dealbreaker, I love him too much for that. But I can't quite get my head around it all yet and I'm so angry. And he just looks like an embarrassed rabbit in the headlights who is now trying to do anything he can to make it better.

WannaBe - thank you.

Justwantcookies I've heard of these types of things too and I know it happens all the time, especially in social circles where people may have one partner and years later fall for someone else within the group. I think it's more the fact that I didn't know and she's behaving so badly. If I'd have known I'd have processed it all a long time ago and I'd have put a stop to all of this nonsense without making myself feel daft by trying to be her friend whilst she was actually playing games.

INXS thanks. This has been really useful just to know that I'm not crazy for being hurt, angry and upset at something that happened so bloody long ago! Some discussions with DP have left me feeling like I should have just been able to accept this and forget it because him and DB clearly have. I'm just not there yet. Feels like I've been kicked in the stomach. I'm sure time will help...

OP posts:

Original poster

ChangeToday · 09/03/2017 15:56

Pallisers I wish I had the ability to do that!!

diddl - she's only been saying those things to me. Definitely not within earshot of anyone else.

OP posts:

Original poster

ChangeToday · 09/03/2017 15:59

Elspeth - I will see her this weekend at a family christening

OP posts:

diddl · 09/03/2017 16:02

Well you know her Op-if you let her know that you know-will she shut up?

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