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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that DP slept with my sister-in-law?

133 replies

ChangeToday · 09/03/2017 14:07

Name changed for this one - it's come as a bit of a shock!

I met DP through my brother as they are very close friends. I've always had a bit of a turbulent relationship with my SIL as she's a bit of a drama queen and loves a good argument and that is the absolute opposite to how I think life should be.

The 4 of us have become quite close over the past couple of years, with DP being such good friends with my brother and me making a real effort to be friends with SIL. We have had a few nights out recently and she has made some comments that bothered me, and has also been extremely flirty with DP. To cut a long story short, it led me to ask DP if anything had ever happened between them both and it turns out that the first night they ever met (over 15 years ago!) he slept with her.

Neither of them did anything wrong. They were single and met on a night out. It just turned out that she ended up seeing my brother and marrying him instead!

I feel absolutely gutted about it all though. I feel stupid that I knew nothing about it and really sad that DP didn't tell me until I specifically asked.

DP is absolutely not the flirty type and has never ever done anything to make me question how much he loves me. He said he just never felt that there was a right time to bring this up and it was so long ago and clearly meant absolutely nothing. It's come up because she was clearly angling to tell me.

Have posted in AIBU as I genuinely don't know if I am BU by letting this bother me. I feel almost betrayed in a way. Like they had a secret I didn't know. I can't get the thought of it out of my head. She has no idea that I know yet...

OP posts:
CookieLady · 09/03/2017 14:27

She wants you to be unhappy. She wants to cause issues/make mischief. Don't play into her hands.

Funnyonion17 · 09/03/2017 14:28

Haha at Wandos idea. Pure brilliance

Allthebestnamesareused · 09/03/2017 14:29

What LonnyVonny said ^

ImpetuousBride · 09/03/2017 14:29

You say she is currently flirting with your DP, in fact you used the phrase "extremely flirty". That would concern me way more than a 15 year old one-night stand, tbh.

Patriciathestripper1 · 09/03/2017 14:30

She is probably itching to bring it up.
I would bide my time (because trust me, she will mention it eventually) and when she does just say "yes he did tell me. We were talking about mistakes we made when we were younger and your name came up!" Then smile sweetly and walk away.....

KickAssAngel · 09/03/2017 14:30

She's just trying to create drama, but I can see how it would be upsetting.

Do you and DP have the kind of relationship where you've told each other about every past one night stand & flirtation? If not, then he's done nothing wrong, and I can see why he wouldn't want to tell you about it.

BUT - now that you know, the only thing to note here is that she's willing to upset a whole load of people, including her own husband, just to create drama and gossip. However you feel in private, around her just shut her down, or make comments about the insignificance of one night stands, or even speak to her alone, directly, that you know what she's on about and perhaps she should get over herself.

livefornaps · 09/03/2017 14:30

Yes yes @lonnyvonny! Perfect!

And echo all the pp re. past sexual encounters. What does it matter when everyone has clearly moved on??

Except this saddo clearly hasn't -and that's how you need to treat her : like a sad person. Nothing douses a drama queen's flames like pity and embarrassment (for her)

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 09/03/2017 14:31

I can understand how you feel so yabu but it will get easier with time. Myself and dh split up pre marriage after child one for two and a half years. A girl he lived with for about a year and a half is now married to his best friend. Ten years down the line I'm over it and don't think twice about it.

SewMeARiver · 09/03/2017 14:32

yanbu. The thought that she 'knows' my dp in that way, and both kept it to themselves all along would make me annoyed for a while. But don't let it get between you.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 09/03/2017 14:32

*yanbu

Original poster
ChangeToday · 09/03/2017 14:32

Thank you all you have literally all made me smile about this for the first time since I found out two weeks ago!

Elspeth it was comments along the lines of 'oh I know DP better than most' or 'ooh that takes me back to when we all first met, but I couldn't possibly say anymore hehe' - that type of thing. Not actually saying anything, and nothing I could put my finger on, but saying enough to make me wonder.

BonnyScotland thank you. MermaidsTears it makes me feel a bit better in a way that you understand some of these feelings. I think it's just brought out my jealous and possessive side (that I didn't realise was there!)

I think as a few of you say, if I'd have known from the start I would have dealt with things differently and not been so tolerant of the flirting and inappropriate comments. It's almost as though my DB is that used to the drama that he just zones out from it all. I feel like she's been secretly loving it.

Lonny I hope I have the strength to do what you've suggested next time I see her.

Agree that we all need to keep our distance now though, at least for a while. Such a shame for DP and my bother though. So so sad about it all.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 09/03/2017 14:33

Bitchy comments from the OP won't make SIL stop flirting with DP. They might even encourage her because she'll realise she's succeeded in making the OP jealous / pissed off.

I think the DP needs to tell her to back off.

DianaMemorialJam · 09/03/2017 14:33

If she ever brings it up, when she tells you make sure you make it clear you already know. Big smile.

If she IS keen on riling you up about it, it will annoy her more that you're not bothered.

Sewingbeatshousework · 09/03/2017 14:33

My DH sept with my cousin before we were an item, I did know about this from the start (and we've been together 16 years now) but I still shudder when it pops into my mind, which is rarely thankfully!

I would have been very upset if it had been kept from me, I'm sure it will bother you alot less once the shock has worn off.

DianaMemorialJam · 09/03/2017 14:35

Ooooo good one Lonny!

INXS · 09/03/2017 14:35

"I feel stupid that I knew nothing about it and really sad that DP didn't tell me until I specifically asked."

"It's come up because she was clearly angling to tell me."

No advice really, but just to say that I can completely understand these two sentiments! Not knowing something like this, even though there is no reason at all you would know, makes you feel like a chump.

And the fact that your SIL is shit stirring is just really fucking tiresome.

Poor you, its just a bit of a shit situation.

user1484578224 · 09/03/2017 14:38

feels very uncomfortable

Original poster
ChangeToday · 09/03/2017 14:39

SewMeARiver that's exactly how I feel

OP posts:
TheoriginalLEM · 09/03/2017 14:41

Next time she says anything that makes you think she is stirring, say "look I know, ive known for ages but didn't want to embarrass you! you don't have to be embarrassed, it was something and nothing, years ago and I'm not going to get upset over something so insignificant" then change the subject!

Iris65 · 09/03/2017 14:41

Another vote for LonnyVonny.

I also feel sorry for your brother. If he's a private person and knows about it how on earth does he cope with your SIL's silly stirring?

livefornaps · 09/03/2017 14:42

God her comments are even more crass than expected. How obvious and cheap! And an embarassment. Not one of my friends who had even properly had a relationship witb another of our friends would even dream of saying anything like that. What a twat. She's just trying to twist the knife when in reality she is pathetically clinging to something that happened 15 years ago....! I mean, come on! And you feeling like "I wish I'd known all along" is exactly how she wants you to feel, when in reality most one night stands, especially with the passage of a LOT of time fade to the equivalent of having brushed your teeth with someone. For real! She is being pathetic.

OohNoDooEy · 09/03/2017 14:45

I wouldn't bother trying to be clever about it. When she next makes a comment, immediately but not emotionally say that what she's saying is inappropriate. If she probes, explain that you know the history and you don't appreciate how she's acting.

I'd say all of this matter of factly to avoid the drama, if she likes to create that kind of thing.

Justwantcookies · 09/03/2017 14:45

Wow thats awkward. Not real sure ho I would feel about that even though it was in the past.

At least on the bright side it wasn't recent. I actually met a couple who were previously BIL and SIL. (so the ones they were married to were brother and sister). both had 2 kids each with previous partner (the brother and sister). Now they are married to each other. But its really weird for the kids because of the fact that their new stepdad for example was previously their uncle and new stepmum was previously their aunt.

BadTasteFlump · 09/03/2017 14:46

I would be hugely pissed off if DH hadn't told me about it right at the start of our relationship - only because this is somebody who is related to you and you see on a regular basis. Therefore not telling me would feel like he was keeping a secret, if and when I did find out. It wouldn't necessarily be a dealbreaker, but I would need time to get my head around it, and DH would have some serious making up to do in the mean time...

And I would keep away from this women because she sounds like a huge shit-stirrer - after telling her exactly what I thought of her, that is...

SparkleTwinkleGoldGlitter · 09/03/2017 14:48

Two single people shagging isn't doing anything wrong and everyone has a past so what did or didn't happen 15 years ago wouldn't bother me in the slightest.

It's 15 years ago ffs, everyone has moved on BUT Sounds to me the sil is just one of those types that can't leave the past where it belongs,
Maybe she should try getting a life then wouldn't need to hold on to the past. If the sil wants to be a bitch fine just cut contact with her as much as you can