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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be upset that DP slept with my sister-in-law?

133 replies

ChangeToday · 09/03/2017 14:07

Name changed for this one - it's come as a bit of a shock!

I met DP through my brother as they are very close friends. I've always had a bit of a turbulent relationship with my SIL as she's a bit of a drama queen and loves a good argument and that is the absolute opposite to how I think life should be.

The 4 of us have become quite close over the past couple of years, with DP being such good friends with my brother and me making a real effort to be friends with SIL. We have had a few nights out recently and she has made some comments that bothered me, and has also been extremely flirty with DP. To cut a long story short, it led me to ask DP if anything had ever happened between them both and it turns out that the first night they ever met (over 15 years ago!) he slept with her.

Neither of them did anything wrong. They were single and met on a night out. It just turned out that she ended up seeing my brother and marrying him instead!

I feel absolutely gutted about it all though. I feel stupid that I knew nothing about it and really sad that DP didn't tell me until I specifically asked.

DP is absolutely not the flirty type and has never ever done anything to make me question how much he loves me. He said he just never felt that there was a right time to bring this up and it was so long ago and clearly meant absolutely nothing. It's come up because she was clearly angling to tell me.

Have posted in AIBU as I genuinely don't know if I am BU by letting this bother me. I feel almost betrayed in a way. Like they had a secret I didn't know. I can't get the thought of it out of my head. She has no idea that I know yet...

OP posts:
HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 09/03/2017 16:02

I'm not crazy for being hurt, angry and upset at something that happened so bloody long ago! Some discussions with DP have left me feeling like I should have just been able to accept this and forget it because him and DB clearly have. I'm just not there yet. Feels like I've been kicked in the stomach. I'm sure time will help.

Well for DP it happened 15 years ago and he has had all that time to put it behind him. To him it is ancient history, but you it has just happened. Don't beat yourself up about needing some time to deal with it.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 09/03/2017 16:02

But TO you

mugginsalert · 09/03/2017 16:02

Sorry you're in an uncomfortable situation.

I wonder whether acting bored might be more effective than engaging with her verbally at all. Whilst she might not mind being thought of as hurtful or self centred, I doubt she'd like to be thought of as a wittering bore. So respond to comments with a sigh and, then, perhaps, be seen talking very confidentially to your dp shortly after (if he can muster a slightly eye-rolling expressions that would help). The message to convey is that a) the behaviour is tiresome and annoying, and not especially interesting and b) you and dp are on the same page about this and it's nothing to do with her. Playground tactics for playground behaviour.

Original poster
ChangeToday · 09/03/2017 16:09

HeartsTrumpDiamonds thank you. I think that's what I will be saying to DP tonight.

diddl I expect that if I let on that I know, and completely play it down as though I've always known and don't care because it meant nothing, then she will be quite embarrassed. In fact, if she's sober and not in her drunken dramatic state, I think she may be a bit mortified!
But yes, I do think it will shut her up. Despite all of this drama and game playing I get the sense that she does actually want to be my friend! If that makes any sense at all! I feel like at times she loves me and just wants us to be best friends, and at other times she hates me just because I am happy or have a new house or something.

OP posts:
yorkshirepuddingandroastbeef · 09/03/2017 16:11

Next time she is being a cow I'd make a point of steering the conversation to giving out on the first date...... "DP always calls those women sluts!" or something similarly offensive.

Mind you, only if you didn't sleep with him on the first date!

londonrach · 09/03/2017 16:14

Yuk. Not helpful i know and very childish of me but way too close for me.. Your dp should have mentioned it at start of relationship. Yanbu re your thought on this.

Batteriesallgone · 09/03/2017 16:14

Oh god don't get close to a woman like this.

Imagine what a bitch she'll be when you have kids.

Batteriesallgone · 09/03/2017 16:14

Oh sorry forgot that you said DP is a great dad! So scrap that!

Pollaidh · 09/03/2017 16:18

Ah yes. This is why I always try to make sure my best (male) friends mention their past involvement with me early on in a new relationship, even if that seems a bit weird. I hate the thought that if it comes up later the new partner might worry we've been keeping it a secret/laughing behind her back.

Your DP hasn't done anything wrong, and his awkwardness is understandable. The SIL is the idiot in this case, and as someone else suggested, a gentle smile and a 'we don't have any secrets' should let her see how unbothered you are and that she can't come between you.

MrsJaniceBattersby · 09/03/2017 16:25

I would try to play it down too
I know it's fresh to you but she needs reminding that it happened 15 years ago . Has nothing exciting happened in her life since then ?
What would massively piss me off is the suggestion that she knows your partner better than most people , she doesn't
There is a reason that you've always had a turbulent relationship with her , that reason is because she is not very nice

ohfourfoxache · 09/03/2017 16:26

If she's saying things to you when you're alone (ie being sneaky) then it means that you don't have to moderate your response to her to protect your brother.

I really feel for you op. I can imagine how you probably feel. But remember, it was a long time ago. So have a good sob if you want, get angry and let all those feelings out, then move on. Your dp obviously loves you very much, you owe it to yourself to put this behind you and be happy Thanks

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 09/03/2017 16:29

You haven't had time to process this yet, which is why you are hurting. And even though you now know what happened, you still feel she's one up on you for the 15 years she knew and you didn't.

Choose any of the excellent responses suggested on here (I like Lonny's) next time she hints - but when you deliver the line, don't do it loudly or aggressively. Use a soft slightly patronising voice while smiling pityingly. It will wipe out the last 15 years and you will immediately be one up on her for evermore!

GrimDamnFanjo · 09/03/2017 16:31

When she gets fed up of dropping hints you ignore and tells you:
"Oh dear SIL we hoped you'd never mention it, you must be so embarrassed, I really feel for you. It's never nice having a ONS and then nothing coming of it. But don't worry we both feel really sorry for your hurt Feelings at the time and it's all so very long ago. We're not going to tell anyone so no need to be embarrassed anymore." Tinkly laugh.

Hissy · 09/03/2017 16:35

If she makes a sly reference, then just look at her blankly and say "oh are we discussing dull old news today?"

"We don't have secrets in our relationship" is also a good approach

ItShouldHaveBeenJingleJess · 09/03/2017 16:49

She's the very definition of a frenemy - wants to be pals but is also competitive and jealous. I completely understand why you're hurt - all three of them knew about it and you didn't. There are some brilliant comebacks on here, but personally, I wouldn't bother - don't engage and she'll eventually realise you're not playing the game. Just change the subject and she'll just look like a twat if she continues. She likes drama and arguments - don't feed her!

PollytheDolly · 09/03/2017 16:52

He should have told you.

livefornaps · 09/03/2017 16:58

It's weird lots of jealous people have a tendency to push/pull. If she straight up didn't like you, most likely she wouldn't bother, oddly enough. It's horrible being naturally jealous because when you DO like someone all you can see are points of comparison. Hence, her attempts to draw you in are probably genuine...but as soon as she gets close enough to see those points, jealousy kicks in and she has to get one over on you/push you away. Like I say, it's a superficial, and likely exhausting and miserable experience, as it makes any potential genuine friendship toxic. She can only enjoy the temporary "kick" she gets out of lording it over you, rather than just enjoying a normal friendship! And because she can't, she seeks sexual validation instead.

BewtySkoolDropowt · 09/03/2017 17:00

Personally I wouldn't say anything to her.

I would prime OH in advance. When it comes up the two of you laugh and you say to him 'you owe me a tenner!'

Every time.

RebelRogue · 09/03/2017 17:01

If it were me I'd just say "meh,you fucked. Shit/mistakes happens" and change the subject.

ladymariner · 09/03/2017 17:10

bewty that's good!! Grin

JennyWoodentop · 09/03/2017 17:11

Yes, he should have told you, by not doing so he set you up for this.

The past is the past, not everyone wants or needs to know about what happened before they met, but you both have ongoing contact with this woman, and knowing how she is, he could have given you a heads up.

If she doesn't do it in front of others, then at the christening and other family events, make sure you are always around other people. Stop doing the couples nights out with your brother.

If she keeps up the comments, I agree Lonny's reply is good.

When people are being vague at work, perhaps hinting they want to dump something on me but not actually saying so, in the hope that I'll offer - sometimes remarks like - is there something you are trying to tell me? What sort of response were you looking for from me? etc either flushes them out into the open or shuts them down, so you could try that approach

so... are you trying to tell me something?

depending on the response.....you seem to keep mentioning/dropping hints about X - is there something you think I should know?

again depending on the response......I know the 2 of you had a fling

then.......as far as I'm concerned, that's in the past and we don't need to discuss it again

then, maybe....I'm sorry if you have unresolved issues about it, but given you are married to my brother I'm not the person you should be confiding in

the last couple of comments are probably overkill and given she's a drama queen may escalate the situation, you would know better than me there

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 09/03/2017 17:19

I know how this feels. It's not the act, it's the fact that all this time, they all knew and you didn't.

So now you need to let her know that you know, AND that you're not bothered.

That will kill her a little inside.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 09/03/2017 17:23

My DH went out with one of my best friends for a few months (she met him through me. They broke up with no hard feelings and a year or so later I got together with him.

That was nearly 30 years ago and it's just not something we ever mention. I am cool with it, her DH seems cool with it. Admittedly our kids seem to find it a bit strange.

A couple of years ago we were having a drunken heart to heart and she was telling me about a guy who had broken her heart when she was young and she said "But then I went out with MrTink for a bit and realised there were still good guys in the world," which I thought was lovely really.

PeachyImpeachment · 09/03/2017 17:24

Weird - I wouldn't get too close. She doesn't sound nice.

kittybiscuits · 09/03/2017 17:24

I would say something like this: Look, I don't want you to keep embarrassing yourself dropping massive hints that you've slept with my DP. I've known for ages and he's VERY embarrassed about sleeping with you, so maybe let it drop now.