To have told this employee off. I feel rather bad!

[Ilooklikeellendegeneres]

Name changed.

I really liked her but didnt know if there was anything wrong with her behaviour or not.

She's a single mum and openly said being a single mum is really hard and she'd never have had her son if she'd known what it was like.
This upset a few mums at work.

She explained how she never loved her sons dad but got pregnant to be happy as she was in Foster care her whole life and just wanted to be loved.

She admits all her mistakes at work. Openly discusses all the mistakes she's made in life in general actually!

Openly discusses who she fancies, her weekend plans, how she cheated in her exams at school, how she hates reports and thinks the new i.t system is a joke, how the computers are too old and we need iMacs, the manager across the road is grumpy, the manager across the hallway is really friendly, the coffee we use is disgusting etc etc etc.

Basically, whatever is in her head she speaks. She doesn't complain as she equally gives her opinion on positive and well as negative stuff. It's just whatever she is thinking she speaks.

Considering her life experiences to have achieved what she has in life is nothing short of incredible so she's obviously a formidable woman with a lot of drive and intelligence

She is a kind person. Always interested in how people's day has gone and making sure everyone is okay. She quite humorous as well and to be honest is well liked.

But she did seem to be leading herself up to be the cause of conflict as people were hearing back what she said about them or people were taking something the wrong way. It's also better not to give your opinion on absolutely everything and the constant speaking exactly what was in her mind was rather irritating.

Not everything needs to be said out loud.

So anyway, I had a quick discussion with her about it and just said can you not give your opinion on everything that is discussed. That she's a popular member of the team but could choose when is appropriate to join conversations and verbalise her thoughts.

Now she's just completely silent and I feel awful. She's not said a word since and that was two weeks ago. She's not in a mood, she's been friendly to everyone but just hasn't spoken.

I'm thinking of telling her that actually, I was just in a bad mood and she's fine, go back to the way she was as I just feel terrible.

I did feel something needed to be said but I know she's had rejection after rejection in her life and also never really been told how to socialise. I've been a grade A idiot haven't I?

I think that this woman has more complex issues than the usual oversharers due to her time in the care system. What support network does she have around her?

Being a young parent is incredibly hard, even more so when she's not had a good example of parenting to follow. She sounds like a young woman trying to nagivate not only her place in the world as an adult, a mum and a colleague.

Shes overshared but given everything she has said id expect her colleagues to be more sympathetic with her.

I would have a chat and explain to her when its appropriate for her to chat, and what type of opinions she should keep to herself. More guidance will allow her personality to shine through but with a but more thought from her about what she should and shoild say.

I think she sounds like a lovely woman who is trying extremely hard to fit in both at home and in the workplace.

Her reactions sounds like she feels she is being bullied. When I was being bullied, I hid away, spoke when spoken to, did not involve myself in conversations for fear of saying what someone could have twisted/what they considered "the wrong thing". You certainly have impacted her confidence and questioned her judgement, as well as her personality. I doubt she knows what you consider appropriate comments v inappropriate comments... because she is not you.. safer to keep quiet I bet. Poor girl

I think you did her a favour. Overshare in any professional setting and it'll catch up with you.
Perhaps met with her again, see that she's ok but stress that what you said was intended to help her not be nasty. In the future as she moves though her career keeping thoughts to yourself can be helpful.

Everyone here has said what's been said, would a team lunch or coffee out just two of you help, to clear the air?

That's what I'd do, friendly.

I had someone say this to me a few years ago (I was loud) in an office where there were 2 companies but separated by a wall. I worked with men and my boss didn't really want me doing his work. The other company were youngish chatty females.

The bitch of a female MD of other company ripped into me and personally too for about half an hour. I was so shocked I was upset it bordered on bullying. Nowadays I'd take her comments on board and then just ask her who she thought she was to criticise me personally. There are ways and means of telling people to shut up and kindness and empathy go a long way.

Anyone who works in OP's office might recognise themselves from this post. I think a bit too much info has been given

Have others in your team complained?
I feel really sorry for her. I'm sure it wasn't your intention to hurt her feelings, but I think it's pretty clear you have. And now you need to address it. You were concerned about the impact some of her words may have had on other members of your team, if I understand correctly- you must be equally concerned, now, about the impact your words have had on her?

Yes everyone was gossiping. Except from the male employees.

Funny that.

I think there is some jealousy at play as she's stunning. I don't like th gossiping. Just because someone is doing something annoying doesn't mean you can gossip which I've let them know. They gossip about each other (and no doubt me) too.

She certainly needed to be spoken to in some way though. No office would put up with her behaviour so it's better she knows now than later in her career.

Personally I think it's far worse to share identifiable information about someone you line manage on MN. That is hugely unprofessional and probably breaching your company's social media policy.

Yes everyone was gossiping. Except from the male employees.

Funny that.

So rather than dealing with the whole situation, including the gossip and bitching, you decided to speak to her only.

Not sure I need to make any further comment.

How interesting that only the male employees didn't gossip. I've never worked in an office that split down such stereotypically sexist lines so I'd be concerned you're missing quite a lot of what's going on . . .

I spoke to everyone.

And did you speak to your female members about their exclusionary behaviour, with examples and clear guidelines as to what you expect for the improvement of teamwork and managing conflict in the future?

Also worth noting is that is she is saying she hates reports and thinks the new i.t system is a joke, how the computers are too old and we need iMacs, the manager across the road is grumpy, the manager across the hallway is really friendly, the coffee we use is disgusting etc etc etc. then the chances are she isn't the only one, she is just the loudest.

I'd be trying to get to the bottom of whatever is going on in my team if I were you as it sounds like she is just the most visible symptom of a wider problem. Not that the problem is all yours of course OP but it does sound like there is more going on here than a young girl with no filter.

The more I read this thread. The more I don't like it and the more I'm glad you are not my line manager.

I maintain that the most unprofessional thing here is making an identifying thread about it on a popular internet forum. Abysmal management.

It sounds like the OP might benefit from some management training

TBH I can't really see what she did wrong - she sounds good fun.

Your thread has made me cry. I was that woman many years ago and was told pretty much word for word the same as you have said to this employee. I shut up immediately and just stopped saying anything to anyone unless I had to. I felt like everyone hated me and being quiet was easier than trying to work out what I could 'safely' say to who.
I can't tell the rest of the story as it is incredibly identifying but eventually my fear of involving myself with what my colleagues were doing or saying led to an even bigger problem and my eventual departure from the company.
I was young, naive and totally crushed. I didn't return to work for a year after as I was so scared of getting it wrong again. Even now, when my anxiety is bad, I lie in bed at night and go over what feels like every interaction I had with colleagues at that company and judge myself for being so useless.
I don't know what to suggest that you do next as I think that if someone had brought it up with me again so soon after I'd have felt worse. If being quiet was also wrong then what could I ever do that was right?
Whatever you do, please be gentle with her.

You can be confident and happy without having social skills. The fact she overshares in your opinion proves she needs help in social aspects.

I don't really understand what's wrong with criticising the IT, the coffee, a grumpy bloke; saying you fancy someone outside work or admitting your mistakes - these seem like quite ordinary comments to me, but I'm pretty old...

Offices now are deadly dull and everyone is desperate to conform to some kind of corporate fantasy image,

The most telling comment was "upsetting mums" with her OWN candid opinion on her OWN experience of motherhood. Why on earth would that upset them, if they are secure in their own status and if she clearly loves her DC? Talk about wet!

I agree with PP who thinks she may be looking to leave, and I wouldn't blame her.

I'm sorry OP it it does seem as though you're trying to justify what has happened by saying that the women were gossiping, you said something quite probably soul crushing to her which has reduced her verbal output to zero, but she's still smiling and maybe you'll try to backpaddle next week, and that is all okay.
It's not.
I agree with the suggestion above for getting HR involved and putting together an action plan as to how you can get this woman re-engaged with the workforce before she becomes completely disengaged from the job.
Sounds like she trusted you all (by sharing), needs employment (struggling young mum) and now the trust may be irretrievably lost and she may be looking around for another job. Or not - how can she trust herself to fit in elsewhere if she can't fit in at her current workplace and doesn't know exactly why or how she's expected to change.
When you told her that she can still contribute to work conversation, it would likely be interpreted that what you've said is that she's here to work and not talk about her personal life - that you want her productivity but don't care about her as an individual.

I think you had a point but maybe didn't work it through to separate it from her general personality enough.

If there is an issue around office culture, with bitching and gossiping etc, then identifying those who are setting the tone and start with them. Make it clear that the dynamics and culture of gossiping unpleasantly is absolutely unacceptable in the workplace and that there will be consequences if it continues (& point out specific process here). I'd wager other people in the office know what is good constructive socialising fit for the office, and what is not, and also examples will be easy to find.

Then I'd deal with the young woman in question. See you she's feeling, apologising for not saying it as clearly the first time, then refine what you're saying into very specific boundaries for good working relationships. Explain that others are setting the wrong tone in the office and this is part of a bigger change to build stronger and more positive work relations. I'd also say that you don't want her to get caught up in the issues going on and that you see her potential and are trying to help her steer clear of behaviour that could be misinterpreted. Then give specific examples that focus on her loudly criticising work processes and people (And ask her to save that for the pub!).

Good luck.

The fact she overshares in your opinion proves she needs help in social aspects

No, it doesn't. That the OP thinks someone overshares does not 'prove' that the person in question has poor social skills.

Ironic that the OP has shared details about her employee on a public forum..... Frankly worse than anything the employee has done IMO.

I can see where RiverTam is coming from but also accept ShoutOut's points.

Chances are a combination of low emotional intelligence (which can be astoundingly common in highly intelligent people) and having to share most of her life with professionals could have resulted in this.

I have a lot of complex health needs and over the years have had to tell everything to each new consultant I see. This has led me to overshare when telling others about things when they ask after my health. I'm now quite desensitised to medical stuff and I forget others aren't. Although I try to remember to ask "Are you OK with medical stuff" I sometimes forget resulting in mentioning things that gross other people out - case in point, when mentioning having stitches removed someone asked a basic question and I segued into a description of how these particular stitches had to be removed. Another time a group of friends were discussing where they'd had steroid injections (joints) and I was like "Oh yeah I had one of those in my eye!" Cue silence. I cringe and stop myself when I realise I'm doing it but am often too late. I find the keeping my mouth shut approach works well if I run the risk of offending someone so I can see where this woman has assumed the same thing.

Incidentally, if you do speak to her again be gentle! I had one manager dress me down for talking, saying we had too much work to do to be having conversations. So I got my head down and worked, only to get called into her office for having 'a bad attitude' for not joining in with office conversations! I never did work out what the magical 'right' amount of talking was, so I left the job.