To have told this employee off. I feel rather bad!

[Ilooklikeellendegeneres]

Name changed.

I really liked her but didnt know if there was anything wrong with her behaviour or not.

She's a single mum and openly said being a single mum is really hard and she'd never have had her son if she'd known what it was like.
This upset a few mums at work.

She explained how she never loved her sons dad but got pregnant to be happy as she was in Foster care her whole life and just wanted to be loved.

She admits all her mistakes at work. Openly discusses all the mistakes she's made in life in general actually!

Openly discusses who she fancies, her weekend plans, how she cheated in her exams at school, how she hates reports and thinks the new i.t system is a joke, how the computers are too old and we need iMacs, the manager across the road is grumpy, the manager across the hallway is really friendly, the coffee we use is disgusting etc etc etc.

Basically, whatever is in her head she speaks. She doesn't complain as she equally gives her opinion on positive and well as negative stuff. It's just whatever she is thinking she speaks.

Considering her life experiences to have achieved what she has in life is nothing short of incredible so she's obviously a formidable woman with a lot of drive and intelligence

She is a kind person. Always interested in how people's day has gone and making sure everyone is okay. She quite humorous as well and to be honest is well liked.

But she did seem to be leading herself up to be the cause of conflict as people were hearing back what she said about them or people were taking something the wrong way. It's also better not to give your opinion on absolutely everything and the constant speaking exactly what was in her mind was rather irritating.

Not everything needs to be said out loud.

So anyway, I had a quick discussion with her about it and just said can you not give your opinion on everything that is discussed. That she's a popular member of the team but could choose when is appropriate to join conversations and verbalise her thoughts.

Now she's just completely silent and I feel awful. She's not said a word since and that was two weeks ago. She's not in a mood, she's been friendly to everyone but just hasn't spoken.

I'm thinking of telling her that actually, I was just in a bad mood and she's fine, go back to the way she was as I just feel terrible.

I did feel something needed to be said but I know she's had rejection after rejection in her life and also never really been told how to socialise. I've been a grade A idiot haven't I?

How sad. It would be so much kinder to support her professional growth by teaching her appropriate office conduct rather than performing a character assassination then leaving her, rudderless, to navigate.
How about some employer-sponsored counselling or training?

It's obvious she hasn't been taught social skills. How about helping her ?

Perhaps she think she that you have spoken on behalf of everyone she works with - it's little wonder that she has withdrawn from people she probably previously regarded as friends, who perhaps are talking about her behind her back. If this is not the case then you need to reassure her that they're not.
Sounds like you've knocked her confidence down - you need to rectify this by helping to build it back up by telling her how the team values her, but oversharing her personal details can leave her vulnerable to being hurt and that people don't often appreciate negative remarks without a solution being offered, perhaps she could consider this approach when giving some of her opinions e.g. Coffee is awful, how about an office coffee club where we (coffee drinkers) all chip in for the posh stuff? PCs are out of date, I've found a case study where macs improved productivity etc etc

If people were back-chatting about her you probably did her a favour.

I think she has good social skills to an extent. She confident, positive, happy.

That is also accompanied by over sharing.

It's very hard to tell her what is wrong. I can't go through all specific examples. Learning when to and not to talk is something she can't learn in a week.

The situation felt like it could soon cause huge conflict and I felt it was better to say this now than have to deal with potential conflict.

I'd rather have her than a manipulative bully any day. She's not awful by any standards.

I did actually say she could comment on work related issues.

She's not sulking as she's still smiling, making drinks, asking people how they are. But she spends 99% of the time mute. So is clearly sad.

I'm sure in another week she will be fine.

Look don't feel bad. She has obviously never had that parental voice in the background tell her to hush, be kind, keep quiet etc. You know it's not malicious complaining, just a constant running commentary, and it's not stopped - well good! It NEEDED to stop! You've perhaps done her the first real favour of her adult life!

If you feel bad, just spend some time mentoring her. Don't apologise for correcting her social skills. They were poor and now they have improved.

Don't leave it! Speak to her - she must be so embarrassed.

It sounds like you were trying to stop her from being too open and perhaps embarrassing herself, as well as trying to stop others from feeling uncomfortable or irritated. That's really commendable and the right thing to do.

The problem is if you grow up in care or with unusual issues you are perhaps being asked to talk about your feelings and yourself a lot and that teaches you to overshare. Also, when you grow up with everyone and everything around you being dramatic then you get used to everything being 'big' and open to discussion so it's hard to adjust to a more private approach when you go into the wider world. I think you probably gave her some useful advice but it will definitely be painful for her.

Keep your cool. She'll bounce back, hopefully with a bit of an edit function on the gob. Whatever you do, don't row back or apologise. You did the right thing. Only she can decide to throw a strop or go silent.

Actually she sounds like a massive attention seeker to me and the silence is another way of drawing attention to herself.

If someone had had that conversation with me I'd probably be thinking that everyone secretly despised me or thought I was an embarrassingly crap person i.e. my self-confidence would be shattered. I'd be doing what she's doing - being cheerful with people but barely contributing for fear of ballsing it up further. It wouldn't be sulking, just feeling crap and not wanting to make it worse.
(But I do have Asperger's)

Sounds like she needs guidance and you gave her that guidance. As long as you did it respectfully then you were doing her a favour

I would speak to her again informally and I would tell her you are so pleased she has taken on board what you said about the oversharing and too exuberant comments, but you are taken aback by the extent she has taken this and you hadn't intended her to become so withdrawn. So could she please return to her more chatty self, but just not make things personal to other staff and tone it down a little. Basically find a middle ground.

I think being brought up in care she has lost out on the type of social interaction that takes place within most families and is just working her way towards understanding how it all works. She sounds really bright and I'm sure it won't take long.

I was/ am like this. I had an excellent manager, who is more like my mum these days. The main thing that'll stick with me is that she said was, "Not everyone is kind, Justine".
I really think about what I want to say before I say it now.

Also, could she just be very lonely OP?

I don't think she's sulking, she probably doesn't want to say anything incase she gets pulled up again. I would be really upset if someone basically told me to stop talking cause it was causing problems, especially with no specific examples.

I think if you're going to pull someone up for their attitude and behaviour, you need specific examples and ways they can improve - going in there and just saying "choose when it's appropriate to express your opinion" doesn't help, because presumably she thought she was being appropriate to begin with, and now she has no idea what to say, so doesn't say anything.

I feel a bit sorry for her, tbh.

What gives you the right to comment anyway? You are her line manager??

And a group of grown women were 'upset' because she confided she would not have become a single mum had she known?

Yes, I feel sorry for her BUT her behaviour was inappropriate in a professional environment. Her line manager has a duty to do something about it.

Don't just leave it another week to see how things pan out, your discussion has clearly had an impact - you've got to grow a set and sort this out, leaving it is just throwing the grenade into her life and running away to hide.
Doesn't seem very fair on her at all

So anyway, I had a quick discussion with her about it and just said can you not give your opinion on everything that is discussed. That she's a popular member of the team but could choose when is appropriate to join conversations and verbalise her thoughts

Sounds like you highlighted her behaviour in a measured way. I'm struggling to see where the "character assassination" is. You discussed her behaviour, not her as a person. It wasn't as if you said "you're tactless and we're all fed up of you grinding on day after day with your unwanted opinions".

I do think she would benefit from some regular 1x1 mentoring, to support and develop her skills including building professional relationships.

What would being lonely have to do with it?

But yes, I suspect she is lonely. She has no family, even if she does have friends.

How did she respond to the 'telling off' at the time? Was she given an opportunity to discuss your feedback? It could have completely floored her and she may not have understood which things she's allowed to join in with and which conversations she needs to steer clear of which is why she's now saying very little. Did you give clear examples of the type of conversations she should refrain from taking part in? Feedback is pretty useless if it leaves the recipient confused and upset.

She responded by saying she felt my comment was a long time coming and agreed it had to be said. She seemed sad, pulling her sleeves over her hands.

It's not a pleasant thing to hear but she's had positive comments too and many of them.

She did seem to have an awareness she sometimes said too much and annoyed people. She knew.

We also do appreciate her honesty and assertiveness as she's been the one to challenge things that needed to be challenged herself.

I will chat to her next week and do some confidence building! I do think what I said needed to be said, but I could have done so is a less formal way.

This is a drip feed but I did say

'Sometimes you say things as I cringe'.

😳

I didn't mean to say it. I was just trying to let her know sometimes the things she says are embarrassing. So I will have to put that right.

and*

We had someone like this in our office. It's very draining for the team so you were totally right to have a word. I'm sure you did it as tactfully as possible. She is understandably licking her wounds and keeping her head down as you should do in the first few weeks of a new job. Hopefully she'll take cues on appropriate behaviour from others now. You've probably done her a favour in the long run.

I'm not surprised she's not talking much after that.