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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have told this employee off. I feel rather bad!

125 replies

Ilooklikeellendegeneres · 06/03/2017 23:12

Name changed.

I really liked her but didnt know if there was anything wrong with her behaviour or not.

She's a single mum and openly said being a single mum is really hard and she'd never have had her son if she'd known what it was like.
This upset a few mums at work.

She explained how she never loved her sons dad but got pregnant to be happy as she was in Foster care her whole life and just wanted to be loved.

She admits all her mistakes at work. Openly discusses all the mistakes she's made in life in general actually!

Openly discusses who she fancies, her weekend plans, how she cheated in her exams at school, how she hates reports and thinks the new i.t system is a joke, how the computers are too old and we need iMacs, the manager across the road is grumpy, the manager across the hallway is really friendly, the coffee we use is disgusting etc etc etc.

Basically, whatever is in her head she speaks. She doesn't complain as she equally gives her opinion on positive and well as negative stuff. It's just whatever she is thinking she speaks.

Considering her life experiences to have achieved what she has in life is nothing short of incredible so she's obviously a formidable woman with a lot of drive and intelligence

She is a kind person. Always interested in how people's day has gone and making sure everyone is okay. She quite humorous as well and to be honest is well liked.

But she did seem to be leading herself up to be the cause of conflict as people were hearing back what she said about them or people were taking something the wrong way. It's also better not to give your opinion on absolutely everything and the constant speaking exactly what was in her mind was rather irritating.

Not everything needs to be said out loud.

So anyway, I had a quick discussion with her about it and just said can you not give your opinion on everything that is discussed. That she's a popular member of the team but could choose when is appropriate to join conversations and verbalise her thoughts.

Now she's just completely silent and I feel awful. She's not said a word since and that was two weeks ago. She's not in a mood, she's been friendly to everyone but just hasn't spoken.

I'm thinking of telling her that actually, I was just in a bad mood and she's fine, go back to the way she was as I just feel terrible.

I did feel something needed to be said but I know she's had rejection after rejection in her life and also never really been told how to socialise. I've been a grade A idiot haven't I?

OP posts:
NotStoppedAllDay · 07/03/2017 09:14

But, are you her line manager?

NotStoppedAllDay · 07/03/2017 09:17

I did actually say she could comment on work related issues.

That's good of you then.

elastamum · 07/03/2017 09:20

A few years ago I had an au pair just like this, she had also been taken into care at a young age then adopted. She was desperate to be liked, overshared all the time and was crushed if you gave her negative feedback of any kind. A bit like an over enthusiastic puppy. Dont underestimate the impact of being in the care system at an early age. Be kind and try to rebuild her confidence. I expect she is still desperate to fit in and be liked and now also really worried about getting it wrong. Making her secure that you are on her side will make a lot of difference.

Original poster
Ilooklikeellendegeneres · 07/03/2017 09:20

Yes I'm her line manager.

She didn't do nothing wrong. She needed to be spoken to about it. I just think I could have done it is a less hurtful way.

But at least she will learn from this now.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 07/03/2017 09:23

God don't take her to one side again, she'll think you're watching her closely and freak out being paranoid.

Let her process, that's all she's doing. She'll be watching how the rest of the office interact to find her spot. She'll get her confidence. Don't call her in to mark her out of 10 with patronising well dones.

elastamum · 07/03/2017 09:23

FWIW after a rocky start our au pair stayed with us for 4 years and eventually grew into a lovely confident young woman who is now happily married

Original poster
Ilooklikeellendegeneres · 07/03/2017 09:25

She's very calm and collected. Empathetic too. She's great!

Just an oversharer in every sense.

That's all. She sdoesnt need to feel we're assassinating her entire character.

OP posts:
OnHold · 07/03/2017 09:26

She probably thinks no one at work likes her. Sounds like she's felt like that all her life.

diddl · 07/03/2017 09:29

I agree that she needed to be told to rein it in & also I would leave her for a bit to think about how to interact in future.

I'm not sure that it's ever possible to criticise someone without them being hurt, is it?

BeaveredBadgered · 07/03/2017 09:31

It's not unsalvageable but it wasn't appropriate to say she makes you cringe. I couldn't imagine thinking it was a good idea to say this to anyone I work with or line manage, especially in the context of having a private conversation in an office about their behaviour at work.
It's not professional language and doesn't role model the kind of behaviour you're asking her to adopt.

I think you need to decide whether you find her annoying, but actually she doesn't breach any of the organisations code of conduct and therefore should be allowed to carry on being herself and doing her job. Or whether she is actually displaying behaviours that could lead to formal action being taken against her- in which case you need to remain professional yourself and take advice from HR.

I think it's borderline bullying/harassment to have those kinds of conversations without giving clear examples and using potentially hurtful language. As others have said, you should also be offering her support (coach, mentor, training).

I'd go back to her and apologise for some of the language you used and reiterate her many positive attributes and discuss a plan for moving forward with support for her.

NotStoppedAllDay · 07/03/2017 09:32

So as a line manager you will be trained on how to have effective conversations and how to communicate good feedback..... or maybe not

You could look into that. We have suggested frameworks to follow.

londonrach · 07/03/2017 09:35

Sounds like she doesnt have much confidence. Not surprising with whats shes been through. Her thoughts are her attempt to fit in. She sounds like a lady with an awful lot to give. Careful managing is needed op. No way has she got adhd. Its a desperate attempt to fit into a social world which she never has been part of.

londonrach · 07/03/2017 09:39

Agree with beavered.. i had amazing manager once who even if said a few points which needed improving on make you feel amazing at any meeting as made alot of the good points. you need to make alot of her good points to build her confidence up. Its a very hard line to walk

Ruleryellow · 07/03/2017 09:54

I haven't read the thread but just wanted to say enjoy the silence as it sure won't last long. Give it another few weeks.

Lunalovepud · 07/03/2017 09:55

You say she will learn from this but I think you need to learn from this too OP...

You seem to feel that she consciously overshares to get attention and have fed back to her that her behaviour is a problem, seemingly without any specific examples. Without specific examples of behaviour, you are essentially just giving your opinion about her personality. From a position of authority so she may feel she can't even argue the case with you and certainly can't ignore you.

She gets positive feedback from most other sources - what makes your situation different for her? Maybe you also need to change how you manage the situation?

Just because she has said that she understands and thinks it needed to be said doesn't mean she actually feels that way.

Messages like this should be given in a way that helps the person and feels like you are trying to help rather than criticise.

Specific examples should always be given and on behalf of yourself, not reports from other team members (even if you have them) which make her feel like everyone is talking about her.

You say she will feel fine about it by next week but you don't know that. In your situation I would be looking to repair this sooner rather than later.

FlyingElbows · 07/03/2017 09:57

You told her that you "cringe" when she says things and you're surprised she's stopped talking? Sounds like you could do with a bit of managing yourself.

Lunalovepud · 07/03/2017 09:58

That's all. She sdoesnt need to feel we're assassinating her entire character.

Who's we? You are the manager - the message should come from you and only you.

If you have said to her "so and so told me this" etc then that must feel awful for her and I am not surprised she is 'quiet' - she probably thinks everyone is talking about her, doesn't like her and is pleased you have finally shut her up.

KateAdiesEarrings · 07/03/2017 10:08

You handled it badly. You didn't give her an action plan and tbh if you found that impossible then you shouldn't have raised the issue. If you can't make objectives measurable then your objective is wrong.

It seems to me that if she has had other managers who viewed her as an asset then she isn't actually a cause of conflict. It would lead me to think that the current problem is either with how you manage her or with your personality not gelling with her's and you using your position as manager to try to get her to change her personality to make it more amenable to you.

tbh if I was you, I'd be having a chat with HR about how you can rectify this because I don't think you have the management skills to bring her back on board and she's obviously been considered an asset to the company.

Blobby10 · 07/03/2017 10:10

Why not go up to her and say that you've noticed shes been much quieter and is all OK? If she says "You told me to shut up" then you have an opening to say your piece. If she says "No everything is fine" then you've got what you wanted and she isn't oversharing any more!

I think I would just take the time to be a bit more chatty with her (if you can!) or perhaps ask one of the other staff to keep an eye on her. (Im not a manger so no experience in this!!!)

BretonRose · 07/03/2017 10:19

I agree with ShoutOutToMyEx. She's become like that as it's way that helps kids navigate the care system e.g. It's an adaptation that helps some get the best out of what can be a bad situation.

She just doesn't quite know yet what new habits to develop instead. It's your job now to help her, both NBC suggesting/modelling better habits and also by praising her good qualities. Your cringe comment was perhaps a little inappropriate if well meant- similar to own behaviour.

Whattodo23 · 07/03/2017 10:27

Did someone complain to you about her? Did you alone decide she was over sharing?

ShoutOutToMyEx · 07/03/2017 10:28

*This is a drip feed but I did say

'Sometimes you say things as I cringe'.*

That is so horrible, sorry but it really is.

I don't think you should be telling other people what they can and can't be saying at work, when it sounds like you've said some pretty hurtful and inappropriate things yourself.

MargaretCavendish · 07/03/2017 10:30

I think OP is getting a really hard time here - and I'm wondering how many of the people who think what's she done is awful are themselves the person driving everyone else in the office mad... I agree it would have been better to have given a couple of concrete examples (particularly the comments about other people that upset them), but I also know that with this kind of personality it's not any one individual comment that's the issue, it's the constant stream of them! I think if she's still essentially mute by next week then having another word to clarify might be best, but for the time being give her some time to quietly adjust her behaviour.

Thegirlinthefireplace · 07/03/2017 10:30

You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about her and I don think you've handled the situation well at all but you seem to be ignoring anyone who tells you this so I'm not sure why you asked...

Whattodo23 · 07/03/2017 10:32

Ybou handled it badly. You didn't give her an action plan and tbh if you found that impossible then you shouldn't have raised the issue. If you can't make objectives measurable then your objective is wrong.

It seems to me that if she has had other managers who viewed her as an asset then she isn't actually a cause of conflict. It would lead me to think that the current problem is either with how you manage her or with your personality not gelling with her's and you using your position as manager to try to get her to change her personality to make it more amenable to you.

tbh if I was you, I'd be having a chat with HR about how you can rectify this because I don't think you have the management skills to bring her back on board and she's obviously been considered an asset to the company. Agreed completely.