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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have told this employee off. I feel rather bad!

125 replies

Ilooklikeellendegeneres · 06/03/2017 23:12

Name changed.

I really liked her but didnt know if there was anything wrong with her behaviour or not.

She's a single mum and openly said being a single mum is really hard and she'd never have had her son if she'd known what it was like.
This upset a few mums at work.

She explained how she never loved her sons dad but got pregnant to be happy as she was in Foster care her whole life and just wanted to be loved.

She admits all her mistakes at work. Openly discusses all the mistakes she's made in life in general actually!

Openly discusses who she fancies, her weekend plans, how she cheated in her exams at school, how she hates reports and thinks the new i.t system is a joke, how the computers are too old and we need iMacs, the manager across the road is grumpy, the manager across the hallway is really friendly, the coffee we use is disgusting etc etc etc.

Basically, whatever is in her head she speaks. She doesn't complain as she equally gives her opinion on positive and well as negative stuff. It's just whatever she is thinking she speaks.

Considering her life experiences to have achieved what she has in life is nothing short of incredible so she's obviously a formidable woman with a lot of drive and intelligence

She is a kind person. Always interested in how people's day has gone and making sure everyone is okay. She quite humorous as well and to be honest is well liked.

But she did seem to be leading herself up to be the cause of conflict as people were hearing back what she said about them or people were taking something the wrong way. It's also better not to give your opinion on absolutely everything and the constant speaking exactly what was in her mind was rather irritating.

Not everything needs to be said out loud.

So anyway, I had a quick discussion with her about it and just said can you not give your opinion on everything that is discussed. That she's a popular member of the team but could choose when is appropriate to join conversations and verbalise her thoughts.

Now she's just completely silent and I feel awful. She's not said a word since and that was two weeks ago. She's not in a mood, she's been friendly to everyone but just hasn't spoken.

I'm thinking of telling her that actually, I was just in a bad mood and she's fine, go back to the way she was as I just feel terrible.

I did feel something needed to be said but I know she's had rejection after rejection in her life and also never really been told how to socialise. I've been a grade A idiot haven't I?

OP posts:

highinthesky · 07/03/2017 01:11

OP, your employee has obviously taken what you have said onboard and is making an effort to comply. I wouldn't go back on this, but continue to be kind to her. She probably didn't have a clue about the impact of her thoughts on the team (who sound like they're not above sniping, btw).

People that have been in foster care, including those eventually adopted have insecurities and been through traumas that most of us can't imagine. This plays out in later life and she probably felt that your advice was the lastest in a string of rejections. So seek to understand and offer her some positive feedback.

JonesyAndTheSalad · 07/03/2017 01:17

I think you were right to have a word with her OP. People like this make me uncomfortable in a professional situation.

whattheheckisgoingon · 07/03/2017 01:34

Hmm. On the face of it OP, actually I agree: you have been out of line. Being told you shouldn't be yourself must sting like hell.

I am unclear. Why did you feel the need to get involved? Why did something need to be said?

(Sorry)

womblewomble · 07/03/2017 06:28

The employee could be identifiable from this. Not cool.

greenfolder · 07/03/2017 06:37

You did the right thing. I have a collleague who is similar. The daily onslaught was unbearable.

pigeondujour · 07/03/2017 06:42

I feel really sorry for the girl. That would so hurt to hear. All offices have a chatterbox, it doesn't sound like it needed to be raised if she's well-liked and performs well. No wonder she's too embarrassed to say a word now.

lavenderandrose · 07/03/2017 06:43

I do not for a second see what's wrong in the first paragraph! She's a single mum and finds it hard, and she grew up in care and hence was seeking affection.

Maybe people offended by this need to give THEIR heads a wobble, to use a MN phrase.

I think generally speaking it's better to deal with the specifics ('stop going on about the computers') than the general ('stop talking.')

TheoriginalLEM · 07/03/2017 06:43

I predict she will hand her notice in soon.

Cherrysoup · 07/03/2017 06:46

Not everyone who has no filter has autism. Love the immediate leap to the conclusion of some pp. I have a similar colleague and fortunately, she's able to hear that she's over sharing and stops. Verbal dihorrea (sp?) and occasionally needs to take a breath!

ImageQueen · 07/03/2017 06:49

I think I would find it refreshing that somebody spoke their mind. At least she is honest.
Too many two faced half wits around.
This world is not one box fits all.

I don't think you're an idiot though.
I think that you think it's correct to make her behave like everybody else. Xxx

Spudlet · 07/03/2017 06:53

The worst criticism I ever received at work was over generalised criticism without concrete examples of whatever it was I was meant to be doing / not doing. Because how was I meant to address whatever the issue was if I wasn't sure what it was? The best one was 'think about how your stress impacts on the team' - but the boss couldn't tell me how, or when, or what I was doing to affect anyone. It was awful, I had no idea what I was doing to upset anyone, who I was upsetting, or what to do about it. I hadn't even been getting stressed before that appraisal, I'd felt really happy with my work. I didn't make a habit of venting to colleagues, or crying or anything... I had no idea what I was doing wrong. Afterwards I just felt completely under scrutiny and like there was a spotlight shining on my head at all times. Bloody awful management!

Did you actually give her examples, or did you essentially just tell her to shut up, in so many words?

Basicbrown · 07/03/2017 06:54

I don't know if yabu or not. I couldn't work somewhere where we weren't allowed to voice our opinions and there wasn't freedom of speech. But equally you need to know when to shut up and the point at which enough is enough.

Basicbrown · 07/03/2017 06:57

Yes spudlet I once had 'think about how your behaviour affects the rest of the team' from an utterly useless manager who was zero support. I was and lost any thread of respect I had ever had for her in that couple of seconds.

Spudlet · 07/03/2017 07:02

She was a nice enough woman but an awful manager. I asked for examples, as I said I didn't understand what I was doing, that I understood there must be something and I wanted to change that, but I needed a bit more information so I could do that. She just said 'just think about it' Helpful.

Still don't know what I was doing

BeaveredBadgered · 07/03/2017 07:04

I think it could be construed as harassment if one colleague has been told to be mindful about which conversations she contributes to if others haven't been given the same warning.
We all have different personalities and unless she was in breach of your code of conduct and you followed your organisations formal procedure you'd be on shaky ground in my organisation where diversity is valued. I think you need to make an apology and let her be herself at work.
If someone raises a grievance against her as a result of her saying something she shouldn't that's an entirely different matter.

Basicbrown · 07/03/2017 07:06

She was a nice enough woman but an awful manager.

Was it the same person? 😂😂

I knew what she was talking about but rather felt she should also apply the same logic to the way she managed (or didn't). She was having a far more negative impact on morale than me.......

AwaywiththePixies27 · 07/03/2017 07:08

how she hates reports and thinks the new i.t system is a joke, how the computers are too old and we need iMacs, the manager across the road is grumpy, the manager across the hallway is really friendly, the coffee we use is disgusting etc etc etc.

I don't think YWBU. I may be way off the mark here but I don't think she's gone too far the other way, I just think she's sulking with you because you said she's still been friendly to everyone. To those who suggested AS/ADHD) my DS has AS and he can pull off some epic long and quite sulks when he's been told off.

You haven't done anything wrong. You had to do this to prevent it escalating. I'd give her to the end of the week actually, to see if it blows over first, then meet with her with a short positive reinforcement "you're doing well etc".

AwaywiththePixies27 · 07/03/2017 07:10

whattheheckisgoingon

The OP has already said why. Here:

Trust me I've been in workplaces where those sort of situations can and have led to punch-ups in front of everyone.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 07/03/2017 07:10

Someone had a similar conversation with me when I was 24. God knows I needed it. I was very quiet for a few weeks, observed the differences between my behaviour and that of others, picked up the cues and learned to curb my ridiculously loud and opinionated character.

I'm still me, just less irritating. I hope.

Don't say anything else about it to her OP, you have not assassinated her character, you're doing her a favour. Just wait and see whether she changes now. She may not!

rollonthesummer · 07/03/2017 07:11

Are you her line manager?

junebirthdaygirl · 07/03/2017 07:18

I think you need to chat to her again. Say all the positive thigs youve said here about her and tell her you are only talking about passing comments on other people. Tell her ye miss her input. I do think you had to tell her in the first place as that " THINK IT SAY IT" thing can really get you into trouble. It was for her own good as she could end up being totally isolated. Sometimes people pride themselves on saying how it is but cannot take anyone telling them how it is. To be honest l think she is being a bit manipulate being totally silent now. All this is due to her painful background but this is another step in her getting free from the influence of that. If she grasps this she is well on her way.

FrenchLavender · 07/03/2017 07:27

She sounds emotionally and socially a bit immature. I have a friend just like her and although she is enormous fun she does tend to fall out with people because she often opens her mouth before her brain is in gear and has constant verbal diarrhoea. Not a bad bone in her body though.

I think you should take her aside for another meeting. Tell her that you are worried that you have upset her and that your intention was not to hurt her feelings, you just wanted her to be a little more circumspect and professional, not to shut down altogether.

She's probably been told her whole life that she talks too much and has no filter, so it's probably really been a kick in the teeth to have that confirmed at work where it has become an issue. It must be shit to be told that your natural default personality is irritating people. She is probably working really hard on staying silent because she doesn't have faith in her own ability to gauge when she's saying just enough or too much, or to judge when it's appropriate to comment on something and when it's not.

I feel really sorry for her actually and given what she's achieved and overcome I think that instead of just saying 'you are doing this, I don't like it, please stop.' you should try more of a mentoring approach, with constructive ideas and specifics. She needs to be gently encouraged to ask herself 'Is it necessary? Is it appropriate? Is it controversial? Is it relevant? Is it my place to comment on this matter or am I overstepping boundaries? Are people receptive to hearing this right now or are they too busy? Am I oversharing personal information?

Tell her it's because you see huge potential in her and you want her to give herself the best chance to excel. But to do that she needs to polish up a bit, and learn to edit herself.

FrenchLavender · 07/03/2017 07:31

Also, sometimes young socially confident people get a bit too cocky at work and the need a gentle reminder about what is and isn't appropriate to say in front of colleagues and especially your boss. I don't think it's at all unusual for young people (especially if they haven't had much support or good examples set at home) to grasp what constituted professional conduct.

I cringe when I think back to some of the things I did and said in an office environment when I was young and inexperienced. I was put in my place once or twice and it did me good.

FrenchLavender · 07/03/2017 07:32

constitutes

Spudlet · 07/03/2017 07:40

^^Excellent posts from FrenchLavender.

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