To not understand why other people are obsessed with 'thinking positive'?

[MargaretCavendish]

As one of life's natural pessimists, I feel like the world is obsessed with 'the power of positive thinking' and 'keeping your hopes up', and I feel like I've just fundamentally missed something - what's so great about getting your hopes up?

To get this out of the way - yes, there's context. I'm almost certainly currently having a very early loss in a much wanted pregnancy. I saw the GP today and she agreed that this was almost certainly what was happening, but then added 'but we can't be sure so try and think positive!'. How could it be possibly be helpful for me to 'think positive'? Surely the quicker I accept this the quicker I'm over it? (This isn't a criticism of the GP, by the way, who was generally lovely) (Oh and also - this isn't a plea for sympathy about my chemical pregnancy! Flowers neither needed or expected!)

But, anyway, more generally: I feel like my approach - expect the worst, be pleasantly surprised if it doesn't happen - is just sound sense. I can completely see how being such a pessimist that you can't enjoy good things happening is bad, but I'm not like that. To be honest, I feel like I know more than one person who has made terrible life choices by being over-optimistic - bought houses they couldn't afford on the vague hope that their financial situation would improve, taken wild leaps of faith in their career that didn't work out, stuck in a bad relationship due to an unshakeable belief that their partner would change soon. Yet, the world still seems to be really wedded to the idea that optimism is the key to success and happiness. AIBU to be Team Glass Half Empty and proud?

Ahh OP. You sound like me. I like to think of myself as a realist. My other half says I come across cynical and rude, but I think being this way is great! I think we should start a club where we make glass half empty posters, like the one with the cat in the tree saying "Hang in there!" but we could change it to "you'll probably fall, but that's okay, it happens!"

In all seriousness though, sounds like what you're going through sucks. I find chocolate helps :)

missmayup, your other half sounds like my dh - dont be so cynical, stop worrying about the stuff that might go wrong, stop thinking the negative... grrr, its a wonder we have survived 28 years together really, but , as i point out, you need negative and positive batteries in life.

you need negative and positive batteries in life

I am quite a positive person however i do accept situations that are bad and do not believe in magical powers of postitivity.

DH and i had a tough year last year with quite serious health problems and miscarriages. I detested people feeling sorry for us. Just because those things were shit, did not mean that our whole lives were shit or that these situations were permanent.

For me, positivity means counting your blessings even when some aspects of life are currently shit, not thinking "my life is shit". It means taking action to try and overcome the shit, not thinking "this won't work, what's the point?". It means trying to feel good, to smile and laugh most of the time, rather than wallowing and draining other people by moaning and banging on about the shit.

Realism/ pragmatism are sensible, but extremes of blind negativity as much as positivity are as irrational as eachother in my view.

The problem is being told how to feel about a crisis/shit situation. If counting your blessings helps, and I do do this, helps, that's great. If planning for the worst helps , I do this too,helps ,that's great too. But being told to think positive thoughts by someone else (and sometimes this is their only input to your situation) or society in general is a pain in the arse and/or deeply insulting. When I have been processing bad news, being told straight away to be strong and fight is very upsetting . With health situations as someone already said , it feels a bit like magical thinking. And if I feel like pulling the duvet over my head some days, it doesn't matter.

to the OP- what you need is the right to experience your fear and grief, not some bloody pretence of being all positive

More in general, feel the same as some pp, that you need positive and negative in life.

When we were newly married, dh slipped into a very half glass empty way of expressing himself: for every situation, he could see some way in which it was bound to turn bad. Yes, you might say he was a realist, or that he was pleasantly surprised, but it also made him a completely draining person to live with. Words were had, and since he had children I am afraid we have rather tended to gang up on him when he goes into Eeyore mood: the alternative would be the whole family sitting under our own personal rain cloud and we refuse to do that.

For dh himself, being expected to think before he opens his mouth has actually had the effect of turning him into a more cheerful person: voicing negative thoughts all the time made his world seem a more miserable place than it needed to be.

But this is by the by, and not at all relevant to the situation of the OP.

Owlzes

What you describe sounds like so much more than what comes to mind when I hear someone use the term 'positive thinking'. You sound like a very brave and resilient person who is getting through some really hard times using a realistic and pragmatic approach and holding on to some very real things. I'd like to think that if I am ever in any kind of similar situation I would be able to do what you are doing. Your fiance sounds amazing too. Best of luck with everything.

Thank you to everyone who left good wishes for me. I really appreciate them all.

I've been thinking about this more. I definitely don't think that my way is right for everyone, for a start. I also think there's a massive difference between being told to be happy or having others not acknowledge actual real pain. I am working really hard to focus on the positive and I'm getting slowly there, but I don't think I could handle someone saying "don't be daft - you don't have problems".

The person who above said 'balance' was important is really right. We all need to accept that hurt and loss and pain happen and should be acknowledged in ourselves and others. Pretending that isn't happening isn't helpful and often just means you're not dealing and bottling it all up and it'll be worse when it comes out. And, of course, remembering that there is good is absolutely not the same as pretending the bad isn't happening. We all have to grieve. I'm sorry the OP is having a shitty time too. I hope you find the way through that works for you.