To not understand why other people are obsessed with 'thinking positive'?

[MargaretCavendish]

As one of life's natural pessimists, I feel like the world is obsessed with 'the power of positive thinking' and 'keeping your hopes up', and I feel like I've just fundamentally missed something - what's so great about getting your hopes up?

To get this out of the way - yes, there's context. I'm almost certainly currently having a very early loss in a much wanted pregnancy. I saw the GP today and she agreed that this was almost certainly what was happening, but then added 'but we can't be sure so try and think positive!'. How could it be possibly be helpful for me to 'think positive'? Surely the quicker I accept this the quicker I'm over it? (This isn't a criticism of the GP, by the way, who was generally lovely) (Oh and also - this isn't a plea for sympathy about my chemical pregnancy! Flowers neither needed or expected!)

But, anyway, more generally: I feel like my approach - expect the worst, be pleasantly surprised if it doesn't happen - is just sound sense. I can completely see how being such a pessimist that you can't enjoy good things happening is bad, but I'm not like that. To be honest, I feel like I know more than one person who has made terrible life choices by being over-optimistic - bought houses they couldn't afford on the vague hope that their financial situation would improve, taken wild leaps of faith in their career that didn't work out, stuck in a bad relationship due to an unshakeable belief that their partner would change soon. Yet, the world still seems to be really wedded to the idea that optimism is the key to success and happiness. AIBU to be Team Glass Half Empty and proud?

I share your approach too OP. I'm not a miserable person, I just like to be prepared for the worst.

Sorry you're going through a shit time.

There is a balance . . .

We can deal with the thing when it comes but worrying doesn't deal with anything.

I know what you mean but I disagree. Sometimes it really does help to mentally prepare yourself for the worst, and it does help you get over it quicker. If you've been treating it as unthinkable then it comes as even more of a shock.

I hate this too. Completely unnecessary level of pressure on people to be 'positive', ie don't share upset or negativity, even when things are epically shite, and for no reason I can fathom. I hate a whinge bag as much as the next person but if something is shit, let's just accept that fact and move on.

Sometimes in life you have to deal with the fact that a lot of things are awful and the light at the end of the tunnel is in fact an approaching train.
Sometimes there is no positive.
Sorry, just mentally processing some awful events that have happened to my extended family recently.
If anyone tells me to think positively about it I'd probably thump them.

I also agree with the pp about "thinking positively" in situations like IVF or other health issues. As if its somehow all your fault for not smiling enough.
((hugs)) for all those having a sucky time.

I'm in the same boat with bananafish81 and feel exactly the same.

It's my biggest annoyance with the (otherwise great) hospital where we've been having our treatments. The endless "think positive!". The consultants, the nurses, even the bloody infertility counsellor seem to completely reject the idea that I might want to be mentally prepared for bad outcomes, rather than constantly building up ungrounded hopes and getting crushed. I've even had consultants try to deny me further tests that I've clinically qualified for, because "I'm sure that's not necessary - we must think positive!".

Being told to 'think positively' when the odds are stacked against you, to focus on the possibility of a good outcome instead of the likelihood of a bad one, in certain circumstances, implies that attitude has any bearing on the outcome

This is what I hate - this superstitious relief that your thinking can affect outcomes. There is a lot of this being peddled about in almost religious dogma (the law of attraction bollocks).

To not feel sad and down at the loss of a wanted pregnancy is neurotic and repressive. To face reality in all it's painful less is healthy and confirms our humanity. I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

My sister's husband almost shockingly died a few days ago but my sister conveyed it to me (during the events) as a minor issue because she was being "positive" and lived in some kind of superstitious fear about speaking the truth (that he was actually dying) lest she should somehow magically effect the outcome. It's stupid and borderline mentally ill / delusional.

hope for the best, prepare for the worst is the best line i've read on here. The amount of people that say ' your so negative 80s, only surround yourself with positive people' etc etc. Blooming hard when life isnt that great and things are not going well. I am sorry your having such a shit time of it though.

I notice that the most positive people are those to whom nothing bad has happened. Can't be an absolute rule of course, but the most positive and inane person I know is working as a counsellor despite never having lost anyone or experienced any real issues in her life - she also avoids any news/current affairs for the same reason (yet holds strong views based on getting all the "foreigners out").

I tend to make a joke out of every day things like for example I shrunk something the wash; I've had people say to me in all seriousness "ooo YOU don't have much luck do you?!" - same people who want to be positive all the time. Its not luck. If I think something may not go well I always say to the children well lets hope its going to be ok but if not then we'll do a b or c to sort it out.

I think realism is the way forward.

I think there's a difference between negativity and pessism (or "realism", as I like to call it!) - I don't engage in magical thinking, and am pleasantly surprised when things turn out OK. At the same time, though, I don't yammer on about things and try to drag other people into a relentless downward spiral of negativity. I think often, though, people conflate the two, and assume of you're not an optimist, you're a joy-sucking Debbie Downer.

And OP - I know you said they're neither wanted nor expected: but have them anyway, as an expression of solidarity in general from someone else who doesn't understand the compulsion of optimism

I find both extremes irritating. All positive drives me batty but then all negative sucks the life out of me. I like the saying hope for the best but prepare for the worst which to me is the middle ground.

Thank you for the supportive comments - glad I'm not the only one who thinks that the 'think positive' magical thinking is crap! I just wanted to clarify, because I think maybe people got confused: I haven't had IVF, and when I said this pregnancy was much wanted, I didn't mean I had fertility problems. We've only been trying eight months, so I don't know the pain that people who have been through years of trying and treatments know, and I didn't want it to seem like I was somehow trying to pretend I did.

I lost my husband just over a year ago.We came back to live in the UK 10 years ago due to his illness. He spent months in hospital,several years in a nursing home,and some time at home with me. I have a lovely supportive family and many great friends who have helped me every step of the way. I have always tried to be positive and to realise that lots of other people are much worse off. However it was the anniversary of his death last month ,and I just feel that suddenly a big black cloud has engulfed me. I have cancelled numerous outings,some days never even got dressed and really can't be bothered to speak to anyone. I hasten to add that this is very unlike me.I always try and play the joker and I know that everyone thinks how well I have coped and how well I have adjusted to the loss.I have seen my GP who assures me that my feelings are normal.I have been given some medication,and hope that I will feel better soon. I have always been of the opinion that people should 'pull themselves together' and get on with things. This last few weeks have totally changed my attitude. . Not really sure why I am posting this... and probably not in the right place...just had to get it off my chest. Chin up everyone ,if you are not having a 'positive' day !

Brunhilda I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I can't pretend to understand your pain, but I'm pleased you've seen the GP. I have had depression (for completely different reasons to yours - I'm not trying to compare them) (and yes, I know admitting this will fuel the people in this thread who think I'm a total miserabilist) and I also learnt that you just can't always 'pull yourself together'. I hope you're being kind to yourself. You have the right to any kind of grief you need, and I hope you don't feel like you're not doing something wrong if, at least for a bit, you don't 'cope well'.

After recovering from mh issues and becoming content and successful I do personally rate positive thinking. I don't need anyone else to do the same but I do feel like people are missing out.
However to evangelise about it is missing the point entirely. I'm positive regardless of how my peers tell me they feel or how they behave. I believe in myself and I follow my inner voice. I am never a victim and I am always in control of my destiny.

It's like 'everything happens for a reason'- erm NO. Sometimes life is very hard and unfair, and to deny that is to deny the person's pain.

Positive thinking is just a sop to keep women from questioning shit too much. Like a modern day religion.

I have a dear friend who is relentlessly 'positive positive positive!!' about her life, despite facts and reality. I'm all in favour of an upbeat approach (I'm a cheery soul myself) if your husband is a lazy sod you can't positively think him into a proper adult. You need actual action.

'counting blessings' is another offender. The world is full of women desperately trying to see the best in their partners, with the encouragement of society at large, without examining the truth.

I am always in control of my destiny

Are you? Am I in control of my destiny right now, as something unpleasant that I can't stop or influence happens to me? Are the people in this thread who have recounted much worse experiences than mine 'in control of their own destiny' when life deals them a shit hand that they've done nothing to deserve? I'm sorry to have a go at you in particular, but this is exactly what I hate about 'think positive': it so easily slides into making people feel responsible for the bad things that happen to them, as if the outcome might have been different if only they'd been more optimistic about it.

People are not in control of their "destinies". It's an illusion, and a happy one if you can keep it, and haven't had the point hammered home too hard in your life. You are to some extent in control of how you react to the stuff that comes your way, and what you make of it, but that's not the same thing.

I have been a victim of experiences I won't share on here. But I made a choice to be a survivor and in that sense I have controlled my destiny. If I chose to stay unwell and not seek help I would have remained a victim but because of my choices I became a survivor.

It's actually not something I'm willing to be flamed about here, I'll discuss it with anyone respectfully but I will ignore any nastiness.

I am never a victim and I am always in control of my destiny.

This is the BS that is so harmful. I keep seeing it in vulnerable people - buying into this kind of speak. You are no more in control of your destiny than any one else if by destiny you mean your future. No one is in control of their future.

It's just superstition packaged and re-sold as positive influence or "law of attraction"

Such harmful bollocks.

YANBU. People who say these things are often the ones who have perfect bloody lives with no wucking furries.
Very easy for them to say think positive. They can keep remaining positive. I'll be realistic.

Well, I think it's quite nasty to tell people that they're 'choosing' to be victims. I'm pleased that you are no longer mentally ill - as I said, I've also recovered from depression - but I don't think that means that you can imply that anyone who doesn't do the same isn't trying hard enough to be positive. So I don't think we can really constructively talk at all.

Oh no you very much misunderstand me. I'm not using the words destiny and future interchangeably.

I'm not blaming anyone for not being able to think positively. I'm explaining that for me it has had a very positive impact on my life and I'm grateful for it.