To not understand why other people are obsessed with 'thinking positive'?

[MargaretCavendish]

As one of life's natural pessimists, I feel like the world is obsessed with 'the power of positive thinking' and 'keeping your hopes up', and I feel like I've just fundamentally missed something - what's so great about getting your hopes up?

To get this out of the way - yes, there's context. I'm almost certainly currently having a very early loss in a much wanted pregnancy. I saw the GP today and she agreed that this was almost certainly what was happening, but then added 'but we can't be sure so try and think positive!'. How could it be possibly be helpful for me to 'think positive'? Surely the quicker I accept this the quicker I'm over it? (This isn't a criticism of the GP, by the way, who was generally lovely) (Oh and also - this isn't a plea for sympathy about my chemical pregnancy! Flowers neither needed or expected!)

But, anyway, more generally: I feel like my approach - expect the worst, be pleasantly surprised if it doesn't happen - is just sound sense. I can completely see how being such a pessimist that you can't enjoy good things happening is bad, but I'm not like that. To be honest, I feel like I know more than one person who has made terrible life choices by being over-optimistic - bought houses they couldn't afford on the vague hope that their financial situation would improve, taken wild leaps of faith in their career that didn't work out, stuck in a bad relationship due to an unshakeable belief that their partner would change soon. Yet, the world still seems to be really wedded to the idea that optimism is the key to success and happiness. AIBU to be Team Glass Half Empty and proud?

Also I do believe that as a platitude it is very harmful. But as a movement and a way if life it is very beneficial.

What do you mean by destiny, opal?

Well, as an example, I have bad things in my past and have sought plenty of help during my whole adult life. CBT, psychodynamic, interpersonal therapy, loads of meds, self help, mindfulness etc. It's all in all had a positive impact on my life, but it in no way stops the flashbacks and other crap. I'm a "survivor" in the sense that I'm alive and going on with my life, but this "destiny" is not of my choosing and my making.

The thing is, 'think positive' can mean different things. I agree that the airy 'smile, it'll probably turn out for the best' is annoying and ultimately not helpful. However, trying to see the possible positive outcomes in a difficult situation and acting on them instead of catastrophising.... that's not at all unhelpful. It all depends on your sitiation and whether you can actually get something positive out of it.

MinimumPaymentMaximumBurrito I mean the direction of my life. For example, the way I react to situations that come into my life that are outside of my control. The choices I make, critically examining them to make sure I'm making them because I want to and not because of societal rules or misplaced beliefs about morality or shoulds or musts.

I should also say I am absolutely not perfect at it but I find it so beneficial to the harness that level of control in my life.

Iam in control of my own destiny.

You're smugly tempting fate. Those words will come back to bite you one day.
Trust me no one is in control of their own destiny. Absolutely anything can happen at any time.

However, trying to see the possible positive outcomes in a difficult situation and acting on them instead of catastrophising....

But this is exactly what I think I do, and what 'think positive' stops you doing. My default position is 'let's assume the worst has happened. What shall we do then?'.

All this positivity shit gets on my nerves aswell.

I advised my friend who is splitting up with her husband, to consider all the options: worse case scenario is ???? He gives her £0 when their old house is sold? He gets full custody of their daughter and she doesn't live with her not even 50%. Then I said: best case scenario is what? And what will probably happen is somewhere in the middle?

She said this was very helpful. Her mum is so positive she said it will all be fine...,.. she finds her mum too positive and not realistic. I agree.

I said she needed to be ruthless, get copies of mortgage agreements etc. And her husband is already playing games controlling their daughter. I said she needed to insist on more access and play him at his own game.

How is her mums positivity realistic here?

Opal I would reframe what you are saying as being proactive and influencing the things in your life that are within your influence rather than living passively. Many people naturally act on every area of their lives that they are able to influence without having to be cognisant of that fact, for them it is their normal MO. Perhaps the shift from living passively to living more proactively has given you the feeling of agency and that's a good thing but many people live that way without conscious effort towards "positivity".

YANBU

I've heard this is a real problem for terminal patients that can cause them a great deal of distress - they know they are dying and want to talk about dying and make plans - and everyone round them tells them to be positive - but that positively seem to be to deny that their death is coming rather than to set their affairs in order.

I'm a hope for the best and prepare for the worst type of person - seems most rational way to me.

I agree op, it does my head in, especially when applied to brexit debacle. Just fuck off with your positive thoughts, that ain't gonna stop a financial crash.

Positive thinking is just a sop to keep women from questioning shit too much.

Interesting. Yes, it discourages looking too deeply into things, in a "just don't worry your pretty little head about it" way.

MinimumPaymentMaximumBurrito I think that there is case to be made for that. However, finding the positive in the negatives is a ritual that I find very therapeutic and helps me get the point of being proactive instead of submissive. For me. I have no idea how others experience their life. None of can ever really know that.

Positive thinking is just a sop to keep women from questioning shit too much.

I find the exact opposite. I find positive thinking and critical thinking can go hand in hand. It's definitely interesting to see how different people frame it.

I'm so sorry for your loss, OP.

'Think positive' is up there with 'everything happens for a reason' in my list of enormously offensive responses to tragedy and loss.

I suffered a full-term stillbirth and multiple miscarriages and the number of times I was encouraged to 'think positive!' made me boil with rage. At best, it's meaningless drivel wheeled out to shut you up because it makes people uncomfortable to think about the bad things that can happen in life; at worst it implies you're to blame for whatever misfortunes befall you because your 'negative energy' attracts bad luck. All bollocks.

it implies you're to blame for whatever misfortunes befall you because your 'negative energy' attracts bad luck. All bollocks.

That is bollocks! That is not what I'm advocating at all.

I hear you OP.

I'm due to start ivf soon. If I hear one more person tell me to think positive I might kill them. My positivity will have NO influence on the outcome, which is down to science and sheer luck of the drawer.

I know you asked for no flowers, but I am sorry about your current situation. I understand only too well the pain of ttc. It bloody sucks

Omg [Bipbipadotta] "Everything happens for a reason" might be the worst platitude ever! Followed closely by "what's meant for you won't pass you by" (a favourite if my mother)

I just tell anyone saying that to me that I'm an existentialist

I suppose I would say "I'm sorry that happened you" relating to loss or "I hope it is successful" relating to ivf.

Would that be ok to say? Sometimes I feel scared when speaking to people going through painful things in RL, that you can't say anything right when the circumstances are so difficult.

I suppose I would say "I'm sorry that happened you" relating to loss or "I hope it is successful" relating to ivf.

I would personally think those are both fairly neutral things to say, and something I'd say as well. You're expressing your own remorse or hope about the other person's situation, not telling them to think positively or to find the positives in their situation etc. For what it's worth, I agree that it can be an empowering and positive thing for someone to be able to look at positives in their lives, but I don't think that ever happens as a result of being told to do so. You usually have to go through all the bad emotions and feel the crap first.

YANBU, OP. I'm like you, but I have a friend who believes that all her problems, including her shitty emotionally abusive relationship, are caused by her own failure to think positively and "be happy inside no matter what happens on the outside". It's fucking bullshit.

However, there's a good quote from Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, that I think about when I get stuck in overly anxious thoughts about the future: A coward dies a thousand times before his death, but the valiant taste of death but once.

I.e. there's no point worrying in advance to the extent that you feel like the worst has already happened. For example, I can work myself into a state worrying about my health, when I'm (probably) relatively healthy.

I agree. Got a cancer diagnosis which should have a positive outcome but had rounds of operations and hospital stays. I am fucked off with being told to stay positive and be strong. I am sodding strong but the illness doesn't care. I think it's more about people wanting you to be a brave little soldier and not talk about how hellish it is. It's just meaningless words really. It doesn't change anything.

It's shit, isn't it, debska. Be as fucking pissed off and angry as you want to - it isn't fucking fair.

Debska, i think lots of people feel the same but we;re always told ' got to be positive' etc etc. I feel for you, i wouldnt want people telling me all this either but sometimes they just dont think or they say what you think you want to hear. It sucks, why not just say ' i'm done with trying to be brave, i dont want to keep on smiling, i feel fed up '.. mind you, people are always good at telling others how to feel or behave - until its them. its not fair and i am sorry your going through it all.

Someone telling me that they hope my ivf is sucessful would be fine and much appreciated.

People telling me to think positive and acting all excited on the other hand make me want to commit violent acts. There is NOTHING exciting about ivf treatment!