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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU in this argument about keys with DP

105 replies

collectingdust · 06/03/2017 11:38

(first time ever posting after years of lurking)

I just wanted to get some perspective on this disagreement with DP (one of many) as DP always makes out that I am completely unhinged and am being very unreasonable on this.

We both have keys for the front door and car, however, DP tends not to use his during the week as he has a separate work bunch that has our back door and bike shed on (he doesn't use the car for work) so he uses these to get out during the week.

So on an evening and weekend he would often grab my bunch of keys with the front door and car on as it is easier than finding his own. This has lead to him in the past leaving them in his jacket pocket so that I can't find my keys easily when I need to get out.

There has been an occasion when he has left both car keys in his pocket and then has gone to work accidentally with both sets, so I wasn't able to get out in car (Thankfully it was my day off, so not needed for work, but I did have to cancel my plans)

So, I have said to not use my keys as it is inconvenient when I can't find them and there is a risk of being left with no sets of car keys in the house if he accidentally takes both to work.

I also see my keys as part of my identity as an adult, they have my hilarious humorous key ring on them, they are mine and I just don't want to share.

AIBU, petty and unhinged, would this annoy you or would you just roll with it?

OP posts:

YetAnotherSpartacus · 06/03/2017 12:09

Hide them somewhere he is unlikely to look like the vegetable crisper in the fridge or in the place you store the cleaning fluids.

fairweathercyclist · 06/03/2017 12:11

YANBU. I would get a third set cut and hide them so he can't find them. We have three sets - DH and I each have a set and DS has the back door key so there is a spare front door key for emergencies.

Car keys are more difficult as mentioned above they can be megaexpensive to replace but I don't have my car keys on the same ring as my house keys (DH does) so if you separate them he might be more likely to look for his set?

Magicpaintbrush · 06/03/2017 12:14

You should both stick to your own set of keys, and if there are particular keys on one set and not the other then get more cut - in fact get a whole new spare set cut and keep them tucked away for emergencies. YANBU - he is. If he can't be trusted to not forget to give you your keys back and risk leaving you unable to use the car then he shouldn't be using them at all.

You are not unhinged, as he so politely suggested - he is being unreasonable.

BackforGood · 06/03/2017 12:15

YANBU at all.
However, I would at least get another set of house keys cut as a 'spare' - he can take the spare ones then, rather than yours.

exexpat · 06/03/2017 12:15

First of all, YANBU - I would not stand for this, and the time he went off with both sets would have been the last time he was ever allowed to borrow my keys.

But why is it easier to find yours than his? Does he always leave them in random pockets? You need a set of hooks for keys somewhere central in the house and make sure he always puts them there. Or get one of those key-finder fob things so they will beep at him if he can't find them.

Dulra · 06/03/2017 12:15

This would irritate the hell out of me. YANBU. My dh is so forgetful and constantly loses things including his keys, but no way is he getting mine he'd only lose them too. Your dp needs to look after his own keys and use them only. Can you not keep yours in your handbag or somewhere else so they aren't as easy to grab?

On a side note what irritates the hell out of me is when my dh goes off without his keys and as I'm finally relaxing watching tv he's banging on window to get let in . I do take my time getting to the front door though

FruitBadger · 06/03/2017 12:16

exDP used to do this. He'd run out the door to work, grabbing keys from the hook where we both kept our sets as he went past. Only his keys were still in his coat pocket because he'd been too lazy to hang them up the night before and he didn't look at which bunch he was picking up, so he'd be out all day with both sets. Used to give me the rage

I got into the habit of keeping mine in my handbag instead, which still persists 12 years later. DH thinks it's a very odd place to keep them but old habits die hard

BeMorePanda · 06/03/2017 12:19

No one should mess with your keys.

FFS he's a fully grown adult and should be able to sort out his own keys without resorting to using yours. You shouldn't even have to think up a solution for him - unless he is 7 he should be able to sort out his key needs himself. (But in the meantime could you chain them to your handbag)

This would drive me insane.

But as for as "DP always makes out that I am completely unhinged and am being very unreasonable on this", is this the only area he is an arsehole in - I think there is probably other stuff going on if he has this petty attitude towards you re your keys.

SoupDragon · 06/03/2017 12:20

I also see my keys as part of my identity as an adult

I think this is unhinged but not the rest :)

Original poster

collectingdust · 06/03/2017 12:22

AnnieAnoniMouse
Does he normally accuse you of stuff like that when actually you are being totally reasonable.

He gets that it's infuriating for me the times I can't find my keys, but I suppose he thinks IABU for never wanting him to use my keys again, I assume he thinks he will never take them to work again or leave them in the house where I can't find them. For me I don't want to take that risk, and yes it is his standard stance in an argument to make out that I am unreasonable and mentally wobbly.

OP posts:

BeMorePanda · 06/03/2017 12:24

it is his standard stance in an argument to make out that I am unreasonable and mentally wobbly
this doesn't sound great.

thatdearoctopus · 06/03/2017 12:24

This would drive me up the fucking wall!! You are definitely NOT being unhinged/unreasonable.

Dh did this to me once. Only once. I damn nearly made him drive home 20 miles from work to return them. I too had the sweary rant down the phone to his office, and got mild satisfaction at him having to be uber-professional and apologetic to me, because his entire open-plan office was ear-wigging and laughing at him.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 06/03/2017 12:27

Buy some string and tie his keys around his fecking neck. Both bunches.

melj1213 · 06/03/2017 12:28

He already has his own keys for the car & front door but doesn't use them daily, so why not insist that if he's not using his keys he has to leave them in the same place as yours? That way you can see at a glance whether he has his keys and if his keys are there and yours aren't you know he's taken the wrong set.

My parents have a couple of cars plus my dad's work van so they have loads of different keyrings with various combinations of the cars/van/front door/back door/garage door keys on them (plus the half a dozen spare keys for relatives/friends/neighbours) ... they all live in a big bowl on the table in the hall (seperated from the front door by the porch door & not visible from outside the house so no worries re: theft) and when someone is leaving the house they take the most appropriate set of keys for their needs, and when they return they have to put them back in the bowl.

gillybeanz · 06/03/2017 12:29

Keep your keys in your handbag and if he goes in to get them you have more problems than lost keys.
He'll soon sort himself out then when he hasn't got you to fall back on.

Sixisthemagicnumber · 06/03/2017 12:31

Am I the only person who is concerned about insurance being invalid if a burglar breaks in and uses the keys to exit the property?
It must be my background working in insurance.

KatieScarlett · 06/03/2017 12:34

I am twitching with annoyance on your behalf. Never realised till now how territorial I feel about my keys. DH locked me in once. It was 20 years ago. It is still mentioned.

ITGurl · 06/03/2017 12:34

He needs his own keys.
This is very like my DH. He's almost trying to shirk responsibility for owning his own grown up things and rely on you.
The only solution is to hide them or refuse to give them so life is inconvenient for him and he has to go about getting his own.

My DH regularly forgets or loses things.
Quite often we get in the car, him in the drivers seat. We start moving and he starts shielding his eyes with his hands or making exaggerated movements to block the sun.
I put on my sunglasses. He has lost his.
He then asks me for mine or hints.

Why should I have to suffer because he doesn't look after stuff? I have bought him many pairs of sunglasses but he keeps taking them out of the car and losing them. He thinks I can just close my eyes as I'm not driving.

DeadGood · 06/03/2017 12:37

YAsooooooNBU.

I think you need to take the '"No. Sorry" and walk away' stance. I simply wouldn't engage in discussion about a subject where you are so clearly in the right. Don't give him the opportunity to accuse you of being mentally wobbly - if he tries it, raise an eyebrow, look at him coolly and say "no, I'm really not", thereby ending the conversation

MummaBear14 · 06/03/2017 12:40

Sounds like you need a designated space for ALL keys. That way he can take both sets of his keys, as they are easily accessible. I'd be furious too if my DH kept taking my keys, they are like a sense of security for me!

PlumsGalore · 06/03/2017 12:44

I wouldn't stand for this. I would put my keys in my handbag and leave them there, presumably most times you leave the house you would have your bag with you.

thatdearoctopus · 06/03/2017 12:48

Re: invalidating insurance. How far does that extend? Just if the keys are hanging on a hook near the door? What about if they're hidden in a drawer upstairs and the burglars come across them whilst rummaging? Where is it recommended you keep them in that case, and why is it not mentioned clearly in the T&Cs?

A friend of mine had her soft-top BMW stolen one night whilst they were asleep in bed. The thieves broke in and stole the keys from the hall (not near the door but still). Whilst many people told them subsequently that they should have had the keys upstairs with them in their bedroom, the police said that was a bad idea. The thieves were determined to get the car and would have taken any measures to get the keys, wherever in the house they were. Who wants burglars entering your bedroom in the middle of the night to go through your handbag - or worse.

category12 · 06/03/2017 12:49

Yanbu. It's bloody annoying to end up stranded and cancelling plans cos he obliviously wanders off with them. I wouldn't let him take them anymore.

He could get himself a duplicate set if he likes to have them on his work set and just use the spares rather than yours.

Northend77 · 06/03/2017 12:51

Swap out the house key on your bunch for a random key and let him borrow them then (obviously making sure you are out of the house when he returns - with your actual house key!).

wanderings · 06/03/2017 12:51

I also see my keys as part of my identity as an adult

I don't think this is unhinged at all. As someone who loathed the dependency of childhood, I longed for having my own keys, and hence, independence. (I was 14 when I had my own keys)

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