WWYD - sibling feels entitled to DPs time

[hatchbackofnotredame]

NC for this, but regular.

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible, but don't want to dripfeed so a bit of background is needed.

Sister is childless, recently bought her first house with her longterm partner, having lived at home to that point. She has mild anxiety and depression, but both she and her partner hold down well-paid graduate jobs. Despite owning her own home (which is beautiful) for 2 years, she still lives with my parents at weekends, including taking her washing there for them to do. She also spends all her annual leave there (she has literally never had a holiday elsewhere). She is 37.

Recently, due to a scheduling conflict, my parents pulled out of an arrangement to see Dsis and her partner for a week of annual leave. They didn't communicate this well to Dsis, and left it to the last minute to tell her, which was understandably upsetting for her.

However, Dsis is now refusing to speak to, or contact, our parents and says she feels that they have shown her "disrespect". (While I feel that they could have given her more notice, I disagree that they intended to show a lack of respect by it). She is accusing them of deliberately depriving her of any possibility of having a nice week off, because she can't possibly take time off in her own home with her partner and still enjoy it. Therefore, they have "ruined" her holiday and she can't forgive them for depriving her of "precious downtime".

What concerns me most is that she takes the position, and I quote, that our parents' refusal to have her over for the week means that they are "in dictating mode and there is very little that is less helpful that people telling you they know what you need better than you yourself do". In other words, she TOLD my parents she needed a week off with them, and they dared to suggest they had other things to do and that she really should get more used to spending annual leave with her partner alone. My sister thinks this is absolutely outrageous and that they owe her a nice time on her week off. There is no room her for my parents to have their own independent desires.

Important bit of context: my position to date has been to stand clear of this relationship and to let them all get on with it. I have, however, become quite concerned about things since my DM has significant MH issues and there have been hints that these are being (unwittingly or deliberately) exploited. In particular, my mother finds it very hard to say "no" (due to an abusive childhood) by herself, so it's incredibly difficult for her to set boundaries. What happens repeatedly is that my sister insists that there is a medical reason for her to get what she wants: she must have their company on a certain date because of her anxiety, they must do her washing because of her depression etc. Now it has become that my mother is "damaging her" by denying her the opportunity to have the annual leave she wants. My Mum has said explicitly she doesn't want to do these things like extra washing (she and my Dad are in their late 60s and both are cancer survivors), but she feels guilted into them.

I just don't know what to do. Part of me thinks I should continue to stay out of this as a toxic situation that is between them. Another part desperately wants to support and protect my parents, because I feel this is now reaching a point of entitlement/potential exploitation where it is becoming almost a mild form of abuse. WWYD?

Oops posted too soon. I wouldn't do nothing, but I don't know what I would do. Speak to your parents for a start probably, let them know that you support them, ask if they would like you to speak to your sister about it?

No, fortunately I don't think she expects me to take things on if anything happens to our parents.

I guess one of my fears - and I am kind of thinking out loud here - is that if I tackle her, she will use it to say to my parents "Oh hatch has been so awful to me, I'm having a mental health crisis as a result, you have to let me back to your house and do my washing and cook for me again or I just can't cope". And they might feel guilted into doing that, and a really valuable opportunity would be lost.

This is an incredibly fragile situation. My parents have never, ever dared to stand up to her before, there has never been this space. This is the first time a difference of wishes has truly been visible and I don't want it to mess it up. I want my parents to be able to have a bit of their retirement the way it should be, without skivvying to her needs.

She sounds like she's on rhe spectrum, uding her anxiety issues as a reason to not challenge her is just manipulative bollocks. She needs to be told her behaviour is not normal and it most definitely is your business if it's affecting your parents.

i don't think you have to have it out with your sister - I agree, that'll likely be used as another stick to beat your p with. Just back your parents up, suggest strategies for them to use, and then go silent on your sister. She very well knows and has discounted what you think already. I've got 2 family members with MH issues (in theory the same disease), one of them constantly manipulates and the other one would never ask anyone for anything.

aren't your parents wondering why her partner can't cook and do her laundry? He knew she had these issues when they got together presumably.

Out of interest, how does her DP feel about this situation? I can't imagine he's that chuffed about the IL's being so involved. Does he also live at your DP's at the weekends?

How was it when you were growing up, OP?

Yes - to be clear (I am worried someone might misinterpret what I have written) I have anxiety and depression too, so I am not blaming those things as reasons for her behaviour. The thing is, when she is in an external context - for example at work, where she has a fairly senior managerial position in the NHS- my sister is able to segway into all of the norms of adult life. She doesn't ask her boss to write her emails for her, for example! Yet because of anxiety, she can't do her own washing (she knows how to use a machine and washes her partner's clothes, but not her own)? Or cook her own tea (in spite of the fact that she can cook very well for my parents at the weekend)? It doesn't make sense.

I mentioned about her partner on the last page - he is very passive, and wants an easy life I think!

There is absolutely no evidence she is "on the spectrum"

There is evidence she has had anxiety issues and strong evidence she is manipulative and spoilt.

She is a brat.

Your parents deserve their time on their own or however they wish to spend it.

Ask your sister if she feels her needs is more important than theirs?
Your sister needs some home truths.

She is manipulative. Her anxiety couldn't possibly allow her to cook some meals & wash some clothes but not others - this is a nonsense.

Well done to your mum for finally trying to stand up to her.

ultimately your parents have to start setting the boundaries, i know that if I get involved between my p and a family member it does always predictably escalate. I would get move involved, but by backing your parents tacitly, not doing for another direct confrontation.

Just to clarify an earlier point I am educated at Masters level but have more than one learning disability!

hatchback does she do okay socially? Does she have friends? I agree with pp posters that she needs therapy about this, but ultimately if she won't accept responsibility or culpability due to lack of insight (quite likely if she is narcissistic like she comes across) I'm not sure how much help it willl be. Perhaps therapy and assertiveness tehcmiquses for your parents would be more helpful!

Wow [wow]. Your sister is one spectacularly self-absorbed manipulative arsewipe.

Sounds as if your mother has reached her breaking point. SUPPORT HER. And that means you can't take the 'do nothing' route any longer. Let's face it - it doesn't work, does it? 'If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got'. So if you do nothing, you'll just prolong this ridiculous situation.

Does she really have anxiety and depression? Or are they just useful tools to put people off challenging her? Regardless, she needs to be challenged. And if she goes nuclear, go nuclear back. It's just a tactic she uses, presumably because it causes you and your parents to back down immediately. Surprise her.

And where is your father in all of this? Does he sit back and let this happen? Actively enable his daughter to abuse his wife? Try to encourage his wife to resist the manipulation?

I agree with pp that your parents last minute communication was probably deliberate, to avoid weeks of manipulation from your sister. I think you should encourage them to get some distance from her. Does she have a key to their house? Then they need to change the locks and get doorchains. She comes every weekend? They need to go away for the weekends. She brings her washing? They refuse to do it. (Ideally they'd refuse her entry.)

You're all going to have to actively resist her. So what if she goes nuclear? Return the favour. And support your parents any way you can. This is elder abuse.

If your parent say anything reassure them that they have done the right thing.

If your sister talks to you about the issue - change the subject - don't listen passively or say anything - but refuse to discuss it. Possibly just ignore anything said about it in e-mails.

Unfortunately if you say anything you'll be the bad guy - and it could be exploited by your sister to pile the guilt on to your parents. I've tried stepping in the past everyone just turned on me .

What does her partner do at weekends when she goes back to mum and dad? I appreciate you don't know him that well, so probably can't wade in and ask if he's happy with the arrangement, but he must think it's odd, doesn't he? And what does your dad say about the work that's heaped on to your mum when your DS is there?

Has there ever been a time when you have appeared to her to have taken all your parents focus and attention?

I was very ill as a child and teen. As a young adult I left an abusive relationship and had an episode of severe depression. My parents did a lot of caring for me and admitted that as my DSis appeared to be coping they left her to it a bit.

I've had my shit together for quite a few years now, living independently and enjoying not depending on people but my DSis has basically said she is now claiming what she is 'due' for being 'neglected' for years and despite earning more than me, hasn't moved out etc. She's preventing my DPs retiring because they need the money to run a house larger than they would need for just 2 of them.

DSis thinks they should leave her their house and contents in their wills. She is 30 and I'm 5 years older, but we're mentally more like 10 years apart.

I stay out of things with DSis but support my DPs who aren't going to kick her out. Like yours, they are late 60s and early 70s respectively and still do all the cooking, cleaning and washing for her, but at least they are able to tell her when she's not pulling her weight.

I do genuinely think she has anxiety and depression, but I also think she uses that as a weapon, IYSWIM.

whereyouleftit - my DD is as greatly affected in practical, workload terms as my DM. Since my DM had breast cancer very badly a few years back, he's been doing a huge amount of the housework. He is a lovely but quiet guy who is totally caught up in the dynamic.

notnowfrank - Sorry, I should have been clearer. Both my Dsis and her DP stay with my parents together at weekends. They very occasionally go to her DP's house, but my DSis doesn't like it there because it is untidy. (Though she is actually quite untidy herself when DM doesn't clear up after her).

faith - she does pretty well socially, but doesn't have a ton of friends.

mrswhitewash - YES. That's exactly it.

rhoda - that's outrageous of your DSis, I am on your behalf! As a child, I was more confident and outgoing than my sister, but far from leading to neglect of Dsis, she was very much DM's favourite as a result. DM is dainty and ladylike, quiet and fastidious and she wanted a child like her - I was a boisterous kid who wanted to roll down slopes and get dirty a lot, so I ended up spending a lot of time with my DD! A lot of my 'confident' behaviour was actually coming from a place of anxiety - trying to earn a bit of positive attention from my DM by scoring really well at school, or excelling at things. Unfortunately, most of the things I was trying to be good at were things she didn't like doing, so I mostly just ended up underlining how different I was.

Sorry, that should be 'a lot of time with my DF, not DD - I didn't have a DD at 7 years old!!

Support your parents. This is bordering on elder abuse. You say she has anxiety and depression and uses these to bully your parents into giving her what she wants - but has she been formally diagnosed? Is she under medical care? Because the behaviours you describe don't sound like they'd form part of anyone's recovery. I would have thought she should be working up to holidaying on her own, exercising self care, even if she was unable to do so- though again, it sounds like this is v selective.

If you can, support your parents, and encourage them to start thinking of the long term for them and her. What they're doing isn't actually helping her. Maybe they could get support in understand the best way to support her mental illness, e.g. Speak to their own GP, or MIND.

At this point, I think you need to focus on them: if you go for her all guns blazing they might suffer the fallout and go back to how things were. But you need to be prepared to step up and intervene. What she's doing is not just inappropriate, it's bullying and likely to seriously impact on them as they get older.

waltzing - she has been diagnosed by a GP, but there is no care plan or anything like that. Just a fairly light dose of SSRI medication. There is no sense of a narrative out of the current situation for anyone involved. One of my fears is that my DSis genuinely seems to think this can just be how they live, forever. In the past, my DP have been unable to grasp the difference between helping and enabling - this is the first situation for many, many years where they have asserted some rights of their own.

This is a ridiculous situation (not getting at you, OP, just can't believe the cheek of your sister!) . A grown woman who has studied, has a good job and her own home, yet cannot (will not) spend her annual leave without her parents, do her own washing, or even spend a weekend alone with her partner.

She may well have MH issues (and I suspect they are actually much more significant than she describes) but this is no excuse for how she is behaving. This will go on and on and on unless your parents stand firm and say no. She will kick off, but they need to keep saying no until she learns. Unfortunately this behaviour sounds like it is so ingrained that it's going to be very painful all round for it to change.

Go and sit down with your parents and ask them what they want in all this. It sounds very much like they want to at least reduce contact with her a bit. It's really not healthy for her to want to spend all her annual leave with them. They need to draw up a plan and stand firm, and enjoy their retirement together, doing things they want to do. Your sister needs to learn to spend time in her own house. If she doesn't want to do her own washing then she can pay someone to do it. I wonder if she even particularly likes her DP? If she did she'd want to spend spare time with him.

Like a PP I would also wonder whether autism is involved - largely because her ways sound familiar to my dd who is on the spectrum. Women/girls present very differently to men/boys. We joke that my dd has never been wrong in her life. We work on it constantly but she just goes mad if anyone suggests she's wrong. Take a look at how autism presents in women online - anxiety is a key symptom.