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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

(Trigger warning) if your sibling tried to commit suicide

29 replies

PixiePlunge · 05/03/2017 22:33

Would you allow them to stay at yours?

This happened to me. Last year.

I tried to kill myself on a Tuesday and then I stayed at my sisters on the Thursday. I asked to stay on the Saturday too and got met with ...

"Well you can but ... dd has a party to go to that day so we're really busy"

Yes I get her own family take priority, I really do. But over a year later it still really hurts.

Aibu genuinely? Do I need to get over it? Am I selfish?

OP posts:

littlefrog3 · 05/03/2017 22:34

Sorry, what's the dilemma? I'm a bit confused.

miniatureegg · 05/03/2017 22:35

People just don't understand. If you haven't been there, you don't understand.

PurpleDaisies · 05/03/2017 22:37

I'm guessing there's more backstory than what you've shared here. You've clearly had some really tough times. How are you doing now?

It can be really difficult supporting someone with health difficulties and people aren't perfect. Whether your sister was right or wrong, getting over it is probably best for your own good. Do you have other people in your life you can rely on?

Grenoble124 · 05/03/2017 22:38

Yes you are selfish. But people who are ill often are. My brother followed through and I was relieved that, at least, the phone calls etc would stop. That was before the shock set in. And I miss him dreadfully. It's incredibly draining dealing with a sibling who threatens suicide.

RaingodsWithZippos · 05/03/2017 22:39

My sister has tried to.commit suicide many times and my first reaction is to want to spend time with her to distract her from her thoughts and be there to listen if she wants to talk, or just be present if she doesn't. It wouldn't occur to me to put her off visiting, it sounds though like your sister doesn't know how to react and may be worried that she wouldn't know what to do if you self harmed whilst at her house.

Hope you are feeling more positive today OP.

NeedMoreSleepOrSugar · 05/03/2017 22:39

It's not clear what you're asking. Yes, I'd let a sibling who had tried to take their life stay at my house (as long as I was satisfied my dc were safe). Yours did too.

The issue seems to be her comment about the party - it reads to me that she was saying, yes, stay, but understand I can't be with you that day - is that correct?

MommaGee · 05/03/2017 22:40

So you attempted suicide on a Tuesday a d asked to stay at your sisters on the Thursday and Saturday for support? Where are you on the Friday? Did she just worry that she wouldn't be able to give you the support you need?

IvorHughJarrs · 05/03/2017 22:41

I had this situation with a sibling. They moved in and stayed for a few weeks until they felt stronger. It's what families do for each other as far as I'm concerned

CakeyMcCakey · 05/03/2017 22:49

PixiePlunge has she supported you through a suicide attempt before?

I only ask because I've grown up with my brothers attempts. It's very hard to stop your life and care for a sibling each and every time it happens. I've come to terms with the fact that one day I will ignore the 3am drunken phone call and it might be the one time he does something serious enough to kill him. I know it will be something I'll never get over but from experience the help I can offer him at that time is never good enough and the drama that in itself creates is just as damaging for my family.

PebbleInTheMoonlight · 05/03/2017 22:50

It really depends on the back story. I'm not mentally or emotionally strong enough to be there everytime my sister needs the crisis team intervention. She'd end up destroying me so I have been guilty of only offering support on my terms rather than hers.

I'm sorry you're in a bad place at the moment, I hope the crisis team are ensuring you have help

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 05/03/2017 22:52

So many variables in this scenario.

Was it the first time it's happened?
What were you asking of your sister? (Staying there could mean many things)
How was it impacting on her child/ren and husband?
What was your sister's own MH like at the time?
What was her child's or husband's MH like at the time?
What other external factors were going on in her life?
What other support did you have available?

Many many other questions which I doubt anyone really knows the answer to. I don't think either of you are in the wrong.

Hope you're in a better place now OP.

Original poster

PixiePlunge · 05/03/2017 22:57

I am in a better place now. It was my first attempt, I've never called my sister to discuss my problems or threatened to her that I was going to kill myself.

She knew that I was struggling a lot leading up to when I took an overdose.

The issue seems to be her comment about the party - it reads to me that she was saying, yes, stay, but understand I can't be with you that day - is that correct?

It wasn't like that. I know my sister and when her yeses are followed by a but, she's actually meaning a polite no.

It was more a case of we're all going to this party so you need to leave.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 05/03/2017 23:00

How havdvthinfs been with her over the last year? Isn't that more important than this one incident?

PurpleDaisies · 05/03/2017 23:00

That strange word is have things!

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 05/03/2017 23:03

Pixel, you have my utmost sympathy, I've struggled with my own MH for years. This isn't meant to be nasty - I'm not good with words I'm just trying to help you see a different perpesctive...

More often than not when we have our own problems we get so bogged down with them that we are blind to the effect on other people. So although you may think that you kept your problems to yourself, I bet you probably weren't as good at hiding it as you thought you were. So people can get sympathy fatigue without you realising, iyswim.

I wasn't there, I don't know you, but it's a possibility to consider and might help you move on.

Hotfuzzed · 05/03/2017 23:04

I've been in your position op. I've also been in your sisters position (only with a friend). So I get it, you needed support. But sometimes for those around us we simply don't have the energy to support you as much as you need. And you can't hold that against them.

Original poster

PixiePlunge · 05/03/2017 23:06

So although you may think that you kept your problems to yourself, I bet you probably weren't as good at hiding it as you thought you were. So people can get sympathy fatigue without you realising, iyswim.

She only knew I was struggling because our dm told her. She rarely made the time for me before or after. Her friend who has depression she makes the time for though.

OP posts:

Original poster

PixiePlunge · 05/03/2017 23:07

But sometimes for those around us we simply don't have the energy to support you as much as you need. And you can't hold that against them.

I asked to stay one extra night and leave on the Sunday.

OP posts:

PuddleJumper01 · 05/03/2017 23:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

birdladyfromhomealone · 05/03/2017 23:08

Bloody hell give the poor OP a break!
My DB killed himself when he was 20 and I was 18.
If only I had know he was suicidal I would have had him live with me permanently as it was he told no one and therefore we couldnt save him :)

RyanStartedTheFire · 05/03/2017 23:10

She rarely made the time for me before or after. Her friend who has depression she makes the time for though.
If she didn't make time before, it wasn't likely she would after either, and I'm sorry OP but as someone who has attempted suicide many times, now as a semi stable adult, I wouldn't have wanted someone suicidal around my children. I don't even want myself around my children when I'm low. They always come first, over my own OH, let alone a sibling.

ollieplimsoles · 05/03/2017 23:10

I am in a better place now. It was my first attempt

Op, can I just say- I'm so fucking glad your attempt failed.
Thank goodness you are in a better place now, and I hope it was the first and last time you feel the need to do this.
I'm not too sure of the circumstances fully surrounding your situation with your sister, but my gut reaction was yanbu- based on your update you clearly felt like she would rather put you off. Have you spoken to her about how your attempt my have affected the family and the people you would leave behind?

All I know is that if it was my sister (who does have mh problems) I wouldn't care if she refused my help, id camp outside her house in a tent. Anything I could do to stop her screwing us and herself would be worth inconveniences.

jacks11 · 05/03/2017 23:12

OP, I wonder if your feeling stem from just this one incident or whether there is more to it? Ultimately, I think you would be better not to dwell on it as it is not bringing anything positive to you.

As to your sister, if she has generally been supportive, then I think you need to put this in the context of everything else she has done and find a way to put it behind you. She maybe just didn't quite get it right on this occasion as she is, like us all, fallible.

If she is not supportive, then you have decide whether you want to talk to her about what you would like to happen- it may be that she doesn't know quite how to help/didn't want to ask/doesn't get it. Or you can accept that she cannot give you the support you would like. That doesn't mean she doesn't care or is a horrible person- there are lots of valid reasons why people (even siblings) can't help in the way you want or need.

Cakey- agree with what you have said.

Italiangreyhound · 05/03/2017 23:15

Pixie I am sorry your sister let you down, to some degree, in your time of need.

Taking a child to a party is not such a big deal, she was maybe prioritizing this because she could not deal with the enormity of the situation with you.

You can choose to forgive her for this slip up and move on.

Discuss it with her and clear the air, if you would like her to know how you felt. But do be aware you cannot control how she will respond. She may be contrite or defiant, I don't know, I expect neither do youm for sure. This could be hard for you.

You can continue to hold a grudge, secretly inside.

Your choice.

I do feel holding a grudge might be unhealthy for you. Really you can forgive her even without talking to her, it can be your choice. She does not need to know how you feel now or felt then. She does not need to apologize. You can release her from your anger, over this, and move on.

Please, please do whatever is genuinely best for your own mental health.

Stay well and build your own support of people who care about you and treat you how you wish to be treated; treat them well, care for them. Family are not always best in a crisis.

Bless you.

XXXX

PuddleJumper01 · 05/03/2017 23:21

And This Too Shall Pass

It is said with a gaze as steady as sky
wispy and wavy but never a lie
It is said with a smile small or unseen
careful and quiet for all that has been

when trouble crashes over you
when hardship cracks the ground
when pain pierces past your skin
when walls are your surround
stop
take a breath and remember
this too shall pass

when joy makes you giddy
when brightest blinds your gaze
when pride holds you up above
when easiness lets you laze
stop
take a breath and remember
this too shall pass

treasure every moment
learn from every pain
gather in your memories
they are what you truly gain
live every second
love with all your heart
never give in or give up
embrace every new start

everything is precious
all of life is glorious
because
this too shall pass

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