To have walked out of this restaurant?

[MellieMGrant]

Took DD out for a nice day together, hair and shopping and lunch etc.

We went to a local mid range chain restaurant which prides itself (and usually delivers on) speedy service, as we wanted to get lunch done and dusted.

We were seated almost immediately, on the end of a long table. The table was filthy, and our place settings were used.

A member of staff came and cleared the rest of the bench and didn't acknowledge us at all. Didn't change our place settings.

We sat there, ignored, for almost twenty five minutes. I tried to make eye contact with at least two staff members but got nowhere.

A family were seated behind us and had their orders taken and drinks brought over while we were there.

I'm not particularly assertive and didn't want to make a fuss in front of DD anyway, so we just got up and left. Ended up going to Subway instead as we were really hungry by that point.

Was I being unreasonable? We often go out for lunch on a Saturday and I've never had such a poor experience, no matter how busy they are.

I feel a bit guilty for walking out but I'm not sure what else I should have done. Is a twenty odd minute wait at a dirty table too long or was I just hangry and irritable?

[Clandestino]

Worra anxiety or no anxiety - a paying customer has no duty to teach a business how to keep their customers satisfied. They have the right to walk away and give a negative review. They have the right to do it online, with no questions asked. Why should it be up to the OP to strive to improve that restaurant's service? She's not the owner. She has no interest in that business beyond paying for her custom. If she's not happy, she can tell them and decide on the form.
Once again, this is victim blaming pure and simple. The issue is - the OP went there, wanted to eat, left hungry. Shitty service receiving a deserved shitty review.
I don't get where restaurants get this feeling of entitlement. They're in one of the most competitive business, they need to adjust, not their customers.

[melj1213]

Melj "PA talking to your DD about being ready to order..." Does this mean you think the OP was passive aggressive?

I think the OP was PA to sit there saying "Are you ready to order DD?" with the intention of getting the waitress' attention, which she has admitted was her aim with her comment.

If you want someone's attention, you speak to them, you don't make tangient comments in the hope that they will notice, and then get annoyed when they don't.

But they do not need to give a restaurant a chance to right a wrong

Then they don't have the right to slate them for that wrong.

They can't fix a problem they aren't aware of, and the only way to become aware of them is by the customer bringing it to their attention, ideally at a time when they can actually do something about it.

[Originalfoogirl]

The place was busy and you didn't make yourself known. If you said "are you ready to order" to your child, why not say "excuse me, can we place an order, please" to the many staff you just looked at?

Not the greatest of service. But as a server, if you have used place settings in front of you and you have menus in front of you, you've eaten, are looking at desserts, and have someone already dealing with you.

I wouldn't have been overjoyed at the service, but I would have refused to be seated at a dirty table, and if I wanted their attention I would have asked for it rather than passively trying to send them messages through my child and looking at them.

[Italiangreyhound]

Melji how was the OP aggressive?

"Passive-aggressive behavior is the indirect expression of hostility, such as through procrastination, stubbornness, sullen behavior, or deliberate or repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible."

It's not just about saying one thing indirectly to try and get something. As in "...which she has admitted was her aim with her comment."

What is passive aggressive about that. Is it genuinely aggressive now to expect to be served in a restaurant!

"If you want someone's attention, you speak to them, you don't make tangient comments in the hope that they will notice, and then get annoyed when they don't."

Well maybe you don't, but some people do.

The OP clearly has anxiety and she felt this was the best way to get served (bearing in mind her anxiety) in a situation where she had been put in an uncomfortable position (sitting, waiting at a dirty table) by the restaurant!

If anyone was being passive aggressive it was the staff who left her and her dd sitting there at a dirty table! But actually I do not think anyone was being passively aggressive at all.

I think the OP wanted to eat and bearing in mind her limitations due to anxiety, which she is bravely addressing, she was trying to get served in the best way possible!

[Italiangreyhound]

Originalfoogirl do you ahve anxiety?

I've had anxiety, it's awful.

OP I had CBT, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, for mine, and it worked brilliantly but it doesn't work for all.

[Clandestino]

mel, so basically the OP is to blame for being ignored and leaving hunry. OK, that's one way of looking at things.
The other one would be that the restaurant provided bad service, sat her at a dirty table, didn't bother cleaning it, didn't bother asking them for their order.
If a restaurant is busy. and good, a swift and effective turnaround of tables is in their interest. The fact that someone sat at a dirty table, clearly not eating for about 25 minutes without even asking them if they are finished is a sgn of a bad customer service.
Once again I am asking a question none of the fierce defenders of the hospitality industry and their way of resolving things bothered to respond to: Why should the customer have an interest in educating the staff on customer service? I live in a small town but even here we have a great choice of restaurants. If I get ignored in one of them I simply walk away and have a choice of venues as a replacement. I am spending my money there, not getting paid for eating so I expect good service for my money. And if I am not happy, I reserve the right to express my dissatisfaction in the way I deem suitable.
Transferring responsibility for improvent on shoulders of customers is lazy and businesses in hospitality industry should know better than blaming customers for not trying to correct their mistakes immediately. Laziness pure.

[melj1213]

The issue is - the OP went there, wanted to eat, left hungry. Shitty service receiving a deserved shitty review.

And she could have left full and happy if she had just said "Excuse me" and spoken to an actual employee during her wait!

Shitty initial service, but then once they are aware, they can clear the table take an order and do their best to make sure the rest of the service makes up for the bad start.

The OP admits this is their first bad service at this place despite having good service before so why go straight to a scathing online review on a third party site without at least trying to sort it directly with the restaurant, ideally at the time of the issue?

If she had gone there for the first time and had no history with the place, I'd maybe understand walking out instead of speaking up (although I would probably follow up with a letter to corporate), but if I go to a place where I've usually had good service, then when I get bad service I know this is not the norm, and want to give them a chance to get things back to their nomal good service level by bringing it to their attention.

[Italiangreyhound]

Melji "Then they don't have the right to slate them for that wrong."

No, I think you will find they do because the stupid restaurant is so cocky they set up a place on line for comments perhaps hoping they will all be positive! The OP wanted to give them her custom but didn't get the chance. I think she was very kind to tell them. I hope they will act on this information.

"They can't fix a problem they aren't aware of"

Again, are they not aware a person is sitting at a dirty table? Really. If so, they are in the wrong business.

Originalfoogirl "Not the greatest of service. But as a server, if you have used place settings in front of you and you have menus in front of you, you've eaten, are looking at desserts..." So now the staff are able to make a wrong appraisal of the situation but are still not really in the wrong because the OP didn't speak up!

Working in a restaurant is bloody hard work and you have to be quite keen/hard working and people-orientated IMHO to do it. If you are lazy or your team members are lazy then it doesn't work.

So maybe the service staff have little incentive to work hard or maybe there are too few of them, they are too busy, which is a management problem.

The customer doesn't owe the restaurant a nice review, or not to leave a bad review or to point out anything in person or not to point out anything on line - as long as what they say is truthful, IMHO.

I guess the reason I feel passionately about this is that I love food, love eating out, have done a lot of work in restaurants in the past and I have had anxiety.

And I hate victim blaming.

[Clandestino]

I wouldn't have been overjoyed at the service, but I would have refused to be seated at a dirty table, and if I wanted their attention I would have asked for it rather than passively trying to send them messages through my child and looking at them.

"If a woman doesn't want to be assaulted, she shouldn't go out in a short skirt and high heels. "
Maybe OTT in the final impact but the principle remains the same. You are blaming the OP for not being served instead of acknowledging the restaurant failed to provide her with good service (or any for that matter). TheOP isn't to blame. She wasn't abusive, she wasn't rude. Her fault was that she waited patiently. This was clearly the venue's failure and a huge fuck up by the waiting staff.

[CaraAspen]

You can't get the staff, these days. Clearly.

[melj1213]

Italian, I have anxiety, and have been diagnosed since I was in my early teens, and yes things can be hard, and it can be difficult to deal with new or unfamiliar situations, but that doesn't mean you get to use it as a reason to not challenge bad service but then go on to leave a bad review online later.

If you'd asked the staff they could have had any number of legitimate reasons to have not approached the OPs table (it wasn't their section so they hadn't noticed them; they hadn't actually made eye contact with the OP just looked in their direction; they hadn't interpreted the look as a request for attention; they were in the middle of something else; they assumed someone else was dealing with them; they saw the dirty place settings and assumed they were done; they saw the menus and assumed they were taking a break (before ordering dessert) and so on ... Does it excuse the lack of attentiveness of the staff? No, but it does go some way towards explaining why it could have happened. Had the OP at any point spoken or made explicitly clear she wanted attention from he staff then I'm sure she'd have had a different experience.

The staff could be totally rude or they could be oblivious, but getting pissed off about the wait, whilst at the same time refusing to say two words directly to the staff (or get their attention by anything other than looking at them) whilst remaining sat at a table, making comments to her DD fulfils the definition of PA behaviour.

[Italiangreyhound]

' on a third party site' sorry my mistake if it was a on a third party site I thought it was the restaurant's own website.

melj "And she could have left full and happy if she had just said "Excuse me" and spoken to an actual employee during her wait! "

You are missing the point! She could not. The restaurant has to deal with its customers as they are! Not as they would wish them to be. The customer might have trouble reading the menu for a number of reasons, or trouble with ordering or even speaking English. If I leave my reading glasses at home I might struggle to read a menu!

The customer might not want to grab a waiting staff member to explain whatever issues they had with the menu. They could be quite reasonably waiting until their staff member came to their table to take their order.

Do you really think the OP should have to ask the staff to remove another customers' dirty plates? Honestly?

"I know this is not the norm, and want to give them a chance to get things back to their normal good service level by bringing it to their attention." that's very kind of you (I mean that genuinely) but I do not think it is necessarily owed to the restaurant by all customers.

I also think for the OP it was both potentially humiliating sitting at a dirty table and being ignored, while with her child (not sure how old the child is) and for her with anxiety it was really unhelpful.

This may be the case for anyone who had issues little having trouble with the menu, eating out or ordering. I know some people have issues with eating out - not everyone is so comfortable giving orders to others or being waited on by others.

[Italiangreyhound]

melj "Italian, I have anxiety, and have been diagnosed since I was in my early teens, and yes things can be hard, and it can be difficult to deal with new or unfamiliar situations, but that doesn't mean you get to use it as a reason to not challenge bad service but then go on to leave a bad review online later."

I am genuinely sorry that you have anxiety, it is truly horrible.

I also know it effects people differently. I have never had trouble ordering food. But you do not get to judge how anxiety affects others. Because you do not know. Although, of course, we do know, because the OP has told us.

We are all different and the OP has made it clear that her anxiety has affected her in this way.

"If you'd asked the staff they could have had any number of legitimate reasons to have not approached the OPs table" which would all have been based on a wrong assumption of the situation. Someone in that restaurant was responsible for her section and potentially everyone serving might have known who that person was. It is not the fault of the OP - plain and simple.

"The staff could be totally rude or they could be oblivious..." so they could have been rude and ineffective or simply ineffective, not the OP's fault.

"whilst at the same time refusing to say two words..." The OP did not refuse to say two words, she was not able to. Had she said excuse me, could you clear my table and take my order she might still have sat there for 25 minutes.

"making comments to her DD fulfils the definition of PA behaviour." What, seriously, what is aggressive about wanting to be served in a cafe? What is aggressive about expecting to be served.

A comment to her dd has the same affect as coughing while waiting for someone to notice that you need serving in a shop. It is a polite way of letting someone know something in an indirect way because it is actually their job to notice that you , the customer need serving.

[SpareASquare]

The service was usually 'excellent'. One time it wasn't.
If the OP was really a waitress, she'd know that sometimes shit happens. A good restaurant will acknowledge the issue try and rectify it to retain goodwill. A bad one won't care.
The OP just sat, occasionally trying to communicate telepathically, but otherwise just sat. Not unreasonable to walk out, completely unreasonable to not make any attempt to express her displeasure before leaving a 'scathing' review about a situation that could have totally been avoided 5 mins in. Totally her issue and a pretty shitty example to her child all round.

[Italiangreyhound]

Square you don't know anything could have been avoided, the staff ignored her physical presence at a dirty table, why are you so sure they would have served her promptly if she had just spoken?

How can you possibly know that she would have been served after 5 minutes?

[neonrainbow]

You're teaching your daughter a poor lesson by just walking out. You're modelling your anxiety for her as the way to behave. You should have approached a waiter politely and asked them to serve you. You have set a worse example by walking out and are teaching her that there is something to be feared in approaching the waiting staff.

[Italiangreyhound]

People who are affected by anxiety are not doing what is best automatically! They can be affected by something crippling at times.

Really seeing a lack of empathy here!

I expect the OPs daughter has much more empathy than some posters.

Empathy is not a bad quality to learn.

[neonrainbow]

Is it just me or is the phrase "victim blaming" thrown about for any minor situation nowadays?

I don't think the op can in any way be described as a victim simply because she didn't get served in a restaurant.

[KeepingitReal2]

Happened to me at Wagamamma and ended up getting free meal for two

[Italiangreyhound]

neonrainbow yes it does seem a very strong phrase for the situation, I agree with that, but I think it is the process that is being used not the severity of the situation.

It is saying something negative or bad happened to someone and they themselves are blamed for it. Which is what has happened here, even though there are clear reasons currently beyond the OP's control why it happened.

It's also important to remember (I think) that this trade is called the 'hospitality' trade and is 'trusted' with some of our most important occasions. So a rude shop assistant in a supermarket or a long wait at the checkout is annoying but sometimes when a cafe, restaurant, hotel etc screw up it could be affecting an important occasion.

[SpareASquare]

Square you don't know anything could have been avoided, the staff ignored her physical presence at a dirty table, why are you so sure they would have served her promptly if she had just spoken?

Well, yeah. Noone does. That's hardly the point. If it was a genuine oversight, perhaps someone was supposed to come immediately, a quick word and all is good. Given the OPs experience at that particular restaurant ie 'excellent service', I'd be inclined to think they'd act on it straight away. But no, straight to the 'scathing' review rather than give them the opportunity.

How can you possibly know that she would have been served after 5 minutes?

A quick 'excuse me' 5 mins in could have changed everything. You really think a restaurant with, usually, "excellent service" is going to ignore a customer actually speaking to someone? You know, like with real words rather than telepathy. You don't think that's a much better idea than running home to get behind the keyboard to 'speak'. If they did indeed ignore her words, then the OP would be justified in her venting and reviewing.

[neonrainbow]

But nothing "bad" happened to the op. In most people's books this wouldn't even be a situation so yeah, like it or not she is partly to blame. She wasn't discriminated against. She's a person who wanted service but didn't do anything at all to draw waiting staff to her when they might have reasonably thought she had finished her meal. Sure the staff might have done things better but then so could she. This isn't a situation where "victim blaming" should be used. That should be for situations where there is a person who was actually a victim of something, like assault or discrimination.

I guess you could call the waiting staff victims based on the definition given above. A bad thing happened ie a negative review of their service and they are blamed for it even though the whole sorry situation could have been resolved by the op saying "excuse me but id like to order". If she's so anxious she can't do that then that's extremely severe anxiety and how can the waiters be expected to know that? The staff could have done better but I'm not sure that it's fair to post negative review in the circumstances because the ops distress was caused by her anxiety and not the restaurant. There needs to be some personal responsibility taken but the op seems to be happy to blame the restaurant and lots of people are happy to validate that so it seems. The op needs to think extremely hard about what she's teaching her daughter about social situations.

[JungleInTheRumble]

You weren't unreasonable to leave.

I don't live in the UK and here it is very normal to wave to the waiter or waitress when you want to order. It makes things much easier and I wouldn't hesitate to do the same in the UK (although prior to moving here I'd have cringed at the thought!). I notice that Brits will often wave their hand for the bill with that scribbly motion but not to get someone's attention for anything else.

[JungleInTheRumble]

Even more acceptable in an Asian restaurant! I've just rtft...

[graciestocksfield]

The OP could have been more assertive, but the primary duty is with the restaurant staff and management to give good customer care. If they want to stay in business anyway. There are always other places to eat, and if someone has a bad experience they will usually tell several people. Or the whole of Mumsnet.