To think DH should stop seeing this female "friend"

[springycurls]

First time posting in AIBU, I really don't think I am but DH won't discuss it properly AT ALL

DH and I have been married for 6mo. I've known him 2 years. We're in our late 30s and met online. He was always open that he was looking for a serious relationship and our relationship is great. He can be a bit immature and there are things I'd like to change about him but overall I'm happy. He is in a very niche job working for the government that needs a lot of specific, high level qualifications (PhD as a minimum)- it can be very demanding and a lot of it he isn't allowed to talk about. (this is relevant!!)

He has this female "friend" who he met many years ago. She is in the same job but is 10 years younger and though he wasn't her manager he mentored her when she first started. They do seem to have a lot in common- DH has some quite strange interests that I think he's a bit old for TBH. They became friends and stayed in touch but there's always been something "off" about her. I've heard from friends who knew him before he met me that they used to go on "dates" e.g. for dinner or films even though she has a partner. That hasn't happened much recently. She's been with this partner a long time but they're not married so I'm dubious as to how serious she is about that.

Anyway I went through his FB messages and whatsapps and it seems like they message quite frequently- at least once every week. Sometimes she starts it, sometimes he does. Usually it's about some of these weird interests or sounding off about work- again the very specific stuff about their job that us "plebs" wouldn't understand - but I've noticed that she has a pet name for him that no one else uses and he uses a pet name for her. She sometimes ends her messages with xxx. They are due to be away for work in London in a couple of months. It's not required that they go as it's a seminar type thing, but I found a message from him asking if she was going and saying that he'd go if she does! She had replied saying thank god I'll have someone to sit next to, you're the only person I like out of all of them!!

She has in the past tagged him on facebook and it's always a bit inappropriate- like they both went to this comic book expo thing and she photographed him there with some models.

I have met her a few times and always felt she was actually a bit rude/cheeky to my DH- especially from someone so much younger who is in the same job and should be looking up to him. He says she's not rude it's just "we think the same way". I think she's a bit snooty as she seems to presume me and DH will have the same interests. We had her round for dinner once and it was awful! She's known DH's cat since it was a kitten so it loves her (cat hates me, I hate cats) and she made a bloody great fuss of it. She then wanted to talk politics which was a bit controversial as DH and I don't agree and she openly said she was shocked by that and not agreeing would be a "deal breaker" for her and her partner!
He wanted to invite her to our wedding but I said no. She sent us a card and a small gift anyway which I thought was quite passive aggressive!

I have tried to get him to talk about her but he just tells me to leave it and that there's nothing going on. I can't put my finger on it but it just doesn't seem right for him to have this sort of relationship. All his other female friends are our age, married and he's friendly with the husbands too. I've tried looking her up on facebook but her privacy settings are very strong so I can't even message her directly telling her to back off. I could get her number off DH phone but that seems a bit OTT

How can I get my DH to see this is a bit weird, and am I being unreasonable to think he should reduce his contact with her and keep it just professional? She's a young girl surely she should be making friends with people her own age anyway!

You thought he was into computer games because he was lonely?!?
No, it REALLY doesn't work like that.

And they couldn't have a relationship before you met because it would be frowned on at work, but an illicit affair would be fine?

You thought that you were going to rescue him from his miserable life, only to find that he was never actually miserable - he does these weird childish hobbies because he enjoys them.

Don't marry someone hoping to change them - love them for who they are.

And for those asking yes she is attractive and looks much younger than she actually is. She's about 28 but could pass for a teenager.

I we actually invited her and her partner to the dinner that didn't go well. He works abroad a lot so couldn't come- but instead of asking to rearrange she just said she would come by herself! I thought that was really odd

They have known each other for 6 years, DH was on the team recruiting her straight out of the PhD. The colleagues talk about her being a high achiever which is why she's moved fast up the ranks and I guess that adds to the jealousy- my own qualifications are really average!!

I don't know about counselling as I don't know what I would say to DH about it

You are horribly judgemental of people op. Do you recognise that this is an issue?

Wow! Wish I lived in MN land. Perhaps then I wouldn't be some kind of social outcast for having the temerity to be over 30 and single - obviously out to get everyone's partners, you see. Have lost male friendships due to this.

Honestly thought it was something to do with having differerent "rules" about friendships due to (I suspect) being on the ASD spectrum... for this reason I too thought the DH's friend might be. Not that that stops the OP being irrational...
But I am really surprised. And confused now. Maybe I am surrounded by immature idiots who don't make sense, rather than having ASD...!

As you were...

Just the basic fact that he has no issue with you on his phone shows nothing is going on. That in the addition to the once a week messages, mainly work related, I think you need to just accept that you are looking for issues where there aren't any because of your past.

But from the way you talk about him it does sound like you chose him as a safe option for marriage

Springy well done for coming back to the thread! Not an easy thing to do.

You also sound much less weird in you last post (harsh but fair)

You married the man. At some point you have to trust him.

If they didn't get together before because of work it's even less likely that they are going to now.

You know you can't contact his colleague and tell her to back off. You will be completely in the wrong (and look nuts!)

Speak to your DH. Tell him you are struggling with jealously. Communication is absolutely critical to a successful marriage.

I have a longstanding friendship with an older male colleague. I'm a bit "cheeky" to him too - I have no romantic feelings towards him.

He's a great guy and has been a mentor to me. I only know his wife a little but she's fantastic. He adores her. If she contacted me to tell me to back off (which she never would) I'd be mystified, he'd be mortified, we'd still be working together though.

What happened to you, indigox ?

You still don't explain how you can think it right to go into marriage with someone you have such a patronising attitude towards. Or why you think you can demand that he should change his hobbies just because you don't think they're good enough.

Speaking as someone in a job which also demands a PhD and is quite intellectually challenging, I absolutely feel the need to relax with something fluffy and undemanding at the end of the day. I would not take kindly to dh telling me that this is immature or that I need to change.

He works abroad a lot so couldn't come- but instead of asking to rearrange she just said she would come by herself! I thought that was really odd hmm

Why?

He works abroad a lot so couldn't come- but instead of asking to rearrange she just said she would come by herself! I thought that was really odd

If he is away a lot she's probably used to doing things on her own as well as with him. Tbh I think it's odd when one half of a couple won't do things on their own. Did she think the dinner wouldn't be a one off and at a later date they could both come over?

You're taking the criticism on here in good spirit OP!

If it had been the man who had been your dh's colleague and friend, would you have expected him to cancel if his wife wasn't able to make it?

Or is it that you see a woman as a wife, someone who should only appear as part of a couple, not as a professional in her own right?

IMO this marriage is dead in the water already. Met online, got married quickly, she thinks his hobbies are infantile (many video games fans are 30-50 btw as they're the ones that invented the damn things!) and she has things she wants to change about him. His personality, his hobbies, his friends, his very soul. Did he not see any of this coming? This all rings VERRRRRRY loud alarm bells.

If I were him, I'd leave - and fast - and change my number, and probably my name so she couldn't find me. Coz I don't think she will take too kindly to him ending it. I would also consider moving if I were the female friend too.

I'm not kidding.

As Gabilan says, I think if your partner is away a lot you do tend to adjust to just rolling with it and doing stuff on your own. It is actually quite important, I think, or you end up horribly socially isolated all the time your partner is away and that's no good for anyone!

Maybe I am surrounded by immature idiots who don't make sense, rather than having ASD...!

I'm increasingly realising that it's the NTs around me who see the world in a funny way, not me

Tell him that you're past relationship history has given you a couple of issues that you need to work on in order to be happy and more comfortable with yourself.
Then look at accepting that you didn't rescue a desperate lonely geek, you married a man with a life of his own that he chose to share with you when he took his vows.

I don't see anything odd about her coming to dinner by herself either.

If you're prepared to admit you need to change and are prepared to consider counselling it would seem to be a good idea to tell your husband that.

coldcanary Sat 04-Mar-17 18:36:29

"Then look at accepting that you didn't rescue a desperate lonely geek, you married a man with a life of his own that he chose to share with you when he took his vows."

This is good advice. It sounds as if you have constructed a narrative around your dh that does not correspond to reality. If you want your marriage to work, it's the real man you have to learn to appreciate.

OP, you can go for counselling by yourself to resolve your own issues and you don't need to tell your DH.

I've been in a new relationship for about 3 months now and my partner was married for 12 years, been divorced for 3. He still sees his ex-wife every so often (they live in different cities) but as a friend. He doesn't have that many close friends otherwise.

I won't lie, I'm not 100% thrilled he meets his ex-wife and I haven't met her yet (he's suggested I do) and she was the one to suggest the divorce but as far as I know he's not hung up on her and likes me now. From what he's told me anyway.

If I were to issue an ultimatum and tell him he wasn't to see his ex-wife ever again I'm sure it wouldn't go down well. It may die a death the meeting up, we may all be friends who knows?

I'd just relax about this now and go with the fact he's with you. And for goodness sake stop snooping on his whatsapp etc, it's not normal and is verging on unhinged. A Google snoop can be fine but a full on checking up on a man you're in a relationship with, how would you like it if he did that to you??

She's about 28 but could pass for a teenager.
They have known each other for 6 years, DH was on the team recruiting her straight out of the PhD

So she'd completed he PhD by 22 then? She started it at 19, started her MA/MSc at 18 and her BA/BSc at 15 (or 14 if a 4 year degree)? Yes, that definitely makes all the sense in the world. Does the cat have a PhD too?

springycurls I do admire your courage in coming back to the thread and for taking on board what others are saying. Some of the comments must have seemed very harsh and I'm sure were difficult to read. But there is a lot of wisdom on here, so I hope you're able to take it on board.

And, hopefully, build a more successful relationship. Maybe, one day, you'll even get on with the woman.

I fear the relationship with the cat may not ever be reconciled.

*FatherJemima" the OP's husband may well have met her and known her before he recruited her. I was recruited out of my PhD by someone I'd met whilst I was studying.

Could be Gabilan, but I read it as meaning that they'd met when he was on the team that recruited her. They would have to have known each other for at least the whole of her PhD for the timeline to make sense.

If he liked computer games because he was lonely he would have given them up when he met you. If this friend and his hobbies were a deal breaker you should have sorted this before marriage....or not married.

If my dh had expected me to give up my interests and friends, there would have been no wedding.

I am 34 and going to comicon this year. Meeting and marrying dh didnt not change my interests. It didnt change my personality.

I am sorry you were cheated on. That doesn't give right to control your dh and demand he changes who he is and his friends.

If a woman posted sayimg her dh checked her phone, wanted her to stop a long standing friendship and wanted her to change her interests to something he found more 'mature'.....she would get told that her dh is controlling and emotionally abusive and to LTB.

Jemima that's what I mean about her being some sort of high flyer. I think she finished it about 23 and was on a very accelerated program as DH was on similar but took longer (no holidays at undergrad so done in 2.5yr etc). He knew her for a year beforehand, I think.

This has made difficult reading and I still don't think I'll ever like her!

It's hard to describe the content of the messages without being even more outing! But they're only about 50% about work and the rest are all in-joke type things. Like she'll send a picture of something weird and say "I bet you're thinking what I'm thinking hah hah"

I do love my husband and don't feel I'm settling though now after what everyone's said I'm worried he's miserable and just settled for me

littlefrog3