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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Death and FB

109 replies

Crowdblundering · 04/03/2017 14:52

I don't think I am being unreasonable - if I am I obvs belong to another era.

OH grandparent died this morning. OH hadn't seen in years and is not really bothered (however harsh that may sound) his mum doesn't seem particularly upset either and already a lot of bitching about wills etc (OH not involved and not going to funeral for this reason).

None of the grandchildren close to him but have been rather over dramatic posts over the last few days tagging the whole family with lots of "love you Hun" posts as he lay dying but in reality there was an actual physical fight in the hospital by the death bed Hmm (we are hundreds of miles away).

This morning I woke up and scrolled through my FB to see that he has in fact passed away - OH then checks his phone and has a text from his DSIS telling him.

Thing is the post went on FB about 5 mins after the poor chap died closely followed by other posts almost trying to "beat" each other and get in there first Hmm the post has about 200 comments now to which SIL has commented on then all so clearly glued to FB while supposedly "grieving"

This would have been incredibly upsetting for OH to find out like this if he had been close and I just wonder WTAF is wrong with people that they need to use death on FB to attention seek like this.

It's just all a bit - uncouth? Sad

OP posts:
lucyandpoppy123 · 04/03/2017 22:55

My DF died recently and his death was announced on facebook by his friends daughter... hours before he had actually died!

lucyandpoppy123 · 04/03/2017 23:03

wildpoppiesanddaisies your post got me, my DF died very suddenly as well and yes it plays on my mind every day that he won't ever walk me up the aisle.

To the people that think its 'attention seeking' or 'vulgar' to post status' about loved ones that have passed away - I don't care. Me writing a status addressed to my DF is cathartic, like writing a letter to him would be. I'm used to talking to him every day, and now he can't talk back. But when other people like or comment on it it helps me to feel less alone

CarrieMyBag · 04/03/2017 23:15

TheFirstMrsDV, sorry for your loss. I was paraphrasing a previous poster and I was thinking of my SIL and BIL. When FIL died SIL was more interested in introducing her new boyfriend to us as if we hadn't lost anyone. And ever since she posts 'miss you dad. Share this if you know anyone who died of cancer' on his birthday every year. DH hates it and doesnt share because to him his love is personal, and it is incredibly cringe to us given how she acted. BIL is the same, was busy drinking when FIL was obviously on his last few days. Couldn't be bothered turning up to the hospital on the day he died. And he's as loud on FB. So forgive me if I do feel uneasy about posts like this when the RL behavior does not match their posts.

flutterby77 · 05/03/2017 05:54

My mum died about 18 months ago and we were trying to contact all close friends and family to let them know when my dad's sister (who we have nothing to do with but had clearly found out from another family member) fb messaged one of my mums very good friends to tell her. It was such a kick in the teeth for her to find out that way and especially from someone mum had had so many issues with.

I also found out about the birth of my nephew from Facebook as my brother in laws family kindly posted it including his name while I was sleeping as I live on the other side of the world from my family.

It's like there needs to be a race to pass on news these days and to show that you are the first to know about it.

OpalFruitsMarathonsandSpira · 05/03/2017 05:59

This used to annoy me but I found a solution - I quit Facebook. (Multiple reasons - mostly based on inauthenticity). Life has never been better! Grin

So YABU a little bit.

If you weren't part of the 'problem' you wouldn't even know it was a problem.

TheFirstMrsDV · 05/03/2017 09:05

I am pretty sure you were paraphrasing me Carrie.
Which is why I replied.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 05/03/2017 09:27

Am not slagging off anyone genuinely grieving.

I am slagging off people "jumping on the band wagon" which this is a clear case of.

OP posts:
TheFirstMrsDV · 05/03/2017 11:15

It sounds like it in your OP.
But that isn't the case in all the posts.

Someone can say 'I don't mean you' after a story has been shared but what if you saw a post from me or another of the MNers without knowing our background?

I am pretty sure most of the people on here would just assume it was attention seeking or put it down to vulgarity.

Isn't this closer to the truth? : 'I don't like that way of grieving, I wouldn't do it. Its not my way of doing things'

But it gets turned into 'God that is awful, no one should do it, they can't be doing it for any good reason'.

Sometimes that will be true but sometimes it won't. So why do people insist that it is?

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 05/03/2017 11:58

No MrsDV I don't like the fact that within minutes of OH grandfather dying SIL who I know did not give a stuff about him has posted it on FB - before OH and other relatives had even been informed. That just snacks of me me me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 05/03/2017 12:05

Smacks even!

OP posts:
Scaredycat3000 · 05/03/2017 12:26

MrsDV A parent grieving a child is never tacky. A child mourning a parent is unlikely to be tacky. Third cousin twice removed who has only met the deceased at a family wedding 10 years ago posting as the last breath is taken all over FB about how much they will miss them is tacky, crass and hurtful. Nobody on this thread except you has suggested that a parent posting about their own grief for their child could be attention seeking and vulgar. I hope to never suffer the loss of a child, to never feel what I understand to be the worst pain you can experience, I don't judge those that have suffered what no parent should. Sorry for your loss. This thread is not about grieving parents.

ETanny · 05/03/2017 12:39

When my dad died we made sure to phone all immediate family to let them know and we made sure to tell them not to put anything on Facebook until we had. My mum, myself and my two sisters sat down together about 3 or 4hrs later once we had left the hospital and we all wrote a status together and posted it at the same time.
I think it's rubbish they didn't phone your OH no matter how close he is to his GP.

therealsquireofwideacre · 05/03/2017 12:44

Come off Facebook, your life will be better for it. It's liberating.

JaneEyre70 · 05/03/2017 12:44

It's just part of today's culture sadly, that everything goes on social media with no thought to who it affects. My youngest DD knew a lad from school that tragically was killed a few months ago and within 10 minutes of his death, people were posting RIP onto his FB page - all from someone who got held up at the accident scene and got out of their car and recognised the motorbike. His poor family Sad.

Scaredycat3000 · 05/03/2017 12:51

It's just part of today's culture sadly No always been part of our culture. Nasty gossips have always been around and FB is just a new tool for them to spread pain. It does have the side effect of anybody can read it so it's much easier to identify gossips.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 05/03/2017 13:09

scaredycst

Yes exactly.

OP posts:
CarrieMyBag · 05/03/2017 13:22

TheFirstMrsDV If I had known your circumstances, I wouldn't think anything negative of you. As I posted, my problem is with people I do know who are me, me, me like my BIL and SIL who couldn't give a damn when it mattered. I apologize if anything I posted earlier offended you.

dingdongthewitchisdead1 · 05/03/2017 13:25

I loathe this type of behaviour. I've experienced grief and know how painful it is but will never for the life of me understand why people publicly grieve on fb.. yes it's uncouth and screams of attention seeking.
I'm sadder than you, no I'm sadder. It's ridiculous!

TheFirstMrsDV · 05/03/2017 13:38

I am not trying to make anyone feel bad carrie. Just pointing out that things are not always as simple as we think they are.

The above post for example. Just because the poster doesn't understand, that makes it a certain thing. No grey areas. Just black and white and the people doing 'it' are wrong. I am not sure what it is because its not explained. So I have to assume its as black and white as that. Any public grief on FB means someone isn't grieving in an acceptable manner. They ARE being vulgar and its ALL about competition.

Summerisdone · 05/03/2017 13:49

I do not understand the mentality of grieving through social media anyway tbh. I know a lot of people do this but it's not something I have ever done nor understand.

I have a 'friend' on FB (we were close when we worked together a few years back) who tragically lost his 6 month old daughter a few weeks back, I didn't judge when it was shared all over FB because people express their grief differently and I couldn't even begin to imagine what he or his wife are going through or know how or if I'd react differently because you never know unless you're in that position.
I was a bit Hmm though when they uploaded selfies of themselves at the church and pictures of the funeral, including the tiny coffin Sad.

WannaBe · 05/03/2017 14:03

On a slightly different note, I used to know someone who posted every detail about her life on FB, and when she fell pregnant (with her third child) she posted about every kick, every movement, "Oh I'm drinking coffee and bump is sooo happy jumping up and down/bump is having a nap/bump kept me awake all night so I'm off for a nap," you get the picture.

People became so sick of reading her minute by minute updates on all the non details that an awful lot of people hid her status updates.

And then when the baby was born he was seriously ill and rushed into scbu and very nearly died. In her usual way she posted about all the details on fb. Except that so many people had hidden her updates that nobody knew, and she received virtually no support, as fb was pretty much her only medium of communication with the world at large at this point.

I remember talking to another mum in the playground and saying that it didn't look good for the baby, and her response being "oh god, I hid her updates months ago, got sick of seeing them, so I had no idea."

So it's always a good idea to be careful of how far you over share on fb, since a lot of people won't want to know, and may unfriend or even unfollow in which case you won't know that they've not seen your updates, and when it matters you'll have marked your card so to speak.....

CarrieMyBag · 05/03/2017 14:41

WannaBe A high school friend of mine posted updates on how many cm dilation his wife was having during labour! Grin

CaraAspen · 05/03/2017 14:45

The idea of announcing someone's death on Facebook makes me cringe. Do they expect Likes, too? Beyond awful.

CaraAspen · 05/03/2017 14:55

Simonely11

I hate when people write stuff like 'it's been 5 years dad, you'd be so proud of Tommy, hope you're living the life up there...blah blah blah' it's SO attention seeking. A dead person can't see a Facebook status, why talk to them through Facebook.

I do too. I find it creepy, also, when when someone has died their Facebook page remains up.

ForalltheSaints · 05/03/2017 15:08

Reading about this makes me pleased I do not use Facebook. Distasteful to say the least. Showing that you are grieving is not a competition.

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