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Original poster

Death and FB

109 replies

Crowdblundering · 04/03/2017 14:52

I don't think I am being unreasonable - if I am I obvs belong to another era.

OH grandparent died this morning. OH hadn't seen in years and is not really bothered (however harsh that may sound) his mum doesn't seem particularly upset either and already a lot of bitching about wills etc (OH not involved and not going to funeral for this reason).

None of the grandchildren close to him but have been rather over dramatic posts over the last few days tagging the whole family with lots of "love you Hun" posts as he lay dying but in reality there was an actual physical fight in the hospital by the death bed Hmm (we are hundreds of miles away).

This morning I woke up and scrolled through my FB to see that he has in fact passed away - OH then checks his phone and has a text from his DSIS telling him.

Thing is the post went on FB about 5 mins after the poor chap died closely followed by other posts almost trying to "beat" each other and get in there first Hmm the post has about 200 comments now to which SIL has commented on then all so clearly glued to FB while supposedly "grieving"

This would have been incredibly upsetting for OH to find out like this if he had been close and I just wonder WTAF is wrong with people that they need to use death on FB to attention seek like this.

It's just all a bit - uncouth? Sad

OP posts:
TheFirstMrsDV · 04/03/2017 17:19

Oh bollocks about these people grieve in their own way

Confused

What, hang on, they don't? People don't get to grieve in their own way?
Do you have the list of rules. It didn't get sent to me when DD died. No wonder I got so much stick for not doing it right.

Monsterpage · 04/03/2017 17:19

Something similar happened when my OH's brother died suddenly aged 41 about 6 years ago. He lived overseas and we were also overseas when it happened and we got the call. We were trying to get the message to family and close friends and somehow someone he went to school with and hadn't seen for over 20 years posted on Facebook on a saying "I've just heard the X died suddenly last night. Has anybody else heard this? Is it true? RIP X". I was bloody furious - my OH and his parents were too distraught but there were people who found out because of his message and it was such a shock to them.

TotalPineapple · 04/03/2017 17:41

@Queenof Louisiana

THIS. There is an appropriate way to tell people about death, which is why all the close people should be told before an FB announcement.

Didn't stop my DM on the phone though, the conversation went:
Me: Hi.
Her: Hi, How are you?
Me: I'm 100 miles from home collecting a new pet, I have to drive home alone in the dark on the scary roads and it's snowing. But otherwise ok.
Her: That's nice, your grandfather died, call me when you get home.

That was a fun drive too.

youvegottobekidding · 04/03/2017 19:05

FB plays a huge part in peoples lives and that's the way they work. A lot of people are just attention seekers on there.

When a colleague died, not a minute after I put the phone down after receiving the news from my boss, a friend (who doesn't work with me)text me and asked who exactly it was that passed away because XXX had shared the news of our colleagues death on FB. XXX could have only just received the call themselves, they must having been typing the 'announcement' on FB while still receiving the call from our boss. Unbelievable.

MiaowTheCat · 04/03/2017 19:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Simonely11 · 04/03/2017 20:36

I hate when people write stuff like 'it's been 5 years dad, you'd be so proud of Tommy, hope you're living the life up there...blah blah blah' it's SO attention seeking. A dead person can't see a Facebook status, why talk to them through Facebook.

wildpoppiesanddaisies · 04/03/2017 20:39

Because it keeps them a tiny bit alive Simone.

My parents died young. I think most of my friends forgot I ever had parents!

TheFirstMrsDV · 04/03/2017 20:57

I 'talk' to my DD through FB Simonely
I don't need the attention. I do it because I miss her with every fibre of my being.

wildpoppiesanddaisies · 04/03/2017 21:01

MrsD Flowers

Please don't think it's comparable grief, but I have huge regrets - and some guilt too - about my Dads funeral.

He died VERY suddenly: striding about up mountains one minute then wham, worst phone call ever.

I adored my dad. My mum died when I was little and we were very close. I feel like his funeral was - well, not what he'd have wanted. Very 'generic' and very short.

Life goes on quickly and occasionally on his birthday or Father's Day I want to acknowledge him, I guess. Maybe it is stupid and pointless and attention seeking but no more so than photos of your dinner or children so why grieving people are attracting vitriol I don't know.

mumonashoestring · 04/03/2017 21:10

My aunt had a hell of a time keeping her daughter's death off social media - a 20yr old with lots of close friends and a fiance who are all social media savvy, and half her close family in another timezone with my aunt terrified they'd find out via FB...

I was already impressed with my cousin's friends after the way they'd looked after her while she was ill but the fact that they all kept very carefully clear of facebook and 'policed' anyone who did post about it was such a huge relief for the family. Can't imagine a worse way to find out about the death of a loved one than an attention seeking ramble on social media.

TheFirstMrsDV · 04/03/2017 21:12

Wild Flowers

TheFirstMrsDV · 04/03/2017 21:17

I post a different photo of her every day throughout September.
Of course I have run out of new ones because there are no new ones.

Unlike those lucky enough not to have lost their loved ones so they can take and post as many pictures as they like without being accused of attention seeking.

I suppose I am attention seeking. I am saying 'LOOK this is my child. She mattered. Those who knew her please don't forget her. If you didn't know her let me tell you about her'.

On her birthday I put her photo up and tell the world I love her and I miss her.

On her anniversary too.

I don't know if any of the people on my FB thinks I am vulgar. I suppose they must. They can always unfollow or de friend me if my public grief inconveniences them in any way.

wildpoppiesanddaisies · 04/03/2017 21:22

Yes MrsD, that's just occurred to me.

You will never have pictures of your DD on her wedding day, graduating, with her baby and your grandchild, mother and daughter selfie.

I won't pretend its the same as you expect your parents to go before you - but my dad will never walk me up the aisle, my mum will never hold her grandchild. Ever.

Yet people begrudge us a simple status. WHY?

I get that grief makes people uncomfortable but you don't have to comment! It's just - I guess I'd feel like something was wrong if February 11 came and went and I didn't acknowledge it. Maybe I should go to his grave like a good little grieving person. But he's not there!

HappyFlappy · 04/03/2017 21:28

MrsDV

I can't imagine anything worse than losing our beautiful child - and I can totally understand that you want to keep alive her memory.

I don't think any of us are saying that people like yourself, coping with a pain that never lessens are "vulgar and attention-seeking". It's the people who hi-jack the grief of others - who can't bear not to be part of the drama, and want to let everyone know how upset they are - they, who hardly knew this person, or who ignored them most of the time - and demand more sympathy than the truly bereaved close family, and indeed, the deceased themselves.

These are the people who can't wait until close family are informed before they begin to post trite, sympathy-demanding messages, and often don't even have the courtesy to offer condolences to the people who are really affected by their loss.

My heart goes out to you - it must have torn you in two to lose your child, and offering a memorial - in any shape or form - is very appropriate.

Flowers
HappyFlappy · 04/03/2017 21:28

*you, not our

chipscheesentomatosauce · 04/03/2017 21:29

I do hate a lot of what FB is used for, when someone does. But I also post a photo/status on the anniversary of my parents deaths. I was a kid when they died and was brought up by family. A lot of people who know me now never met my parents, so posting a photo/status of them is my way of asking people to remember they ever existed.

What I do hate though, is when someone makes an announcement about a pregnancy or engagement and you're always guaranteed the "Finally, the secret's out/congrats again " type comments, from people who want the world to know that they knew before it was common knowledge. Hmm

Mysteriouscurle · 04/03/2017 21:29

I cant be doing with it. I know someone who posts about her deceased parents on every birthday, every anniversary, every wedding anniversary, every mothers day, every fathers day, every time she puts flowers to their grave. Tedious. Unfollowed. If all my friends did that it would be a full time job keeping up. Another friend put up a fb status abot how sad it was that relative had died, she was such a lovely person and she loved spending time/doing this and that with her etc. Hadnt bloody seen her for 3 years. Sorry love but your grief doesnt trump the deceased's DC and DH.

TheFirstMrsDV · 04/03/2017 21:47

I agree with the hijacking thing. I don't like it and families who have lost children are particularly vulnerable.
But there is a tendency on MN to being incredibly sneery about any form of public grieving and pretty much anything to do with facebook.

So threads like this can be pretty upsetting because of the blanket assumptions about why anyone would post a photo or a memorial.

Yes there ARE twats who are attention seeking but bear in mind that it is not the only reason and asking for a bit of attention when you are in grief is not always a bad thing.

itsmine · 04/03/2017 21:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TryAnotherUsername · 04/03/2017 22:00

I commented on this thread earlier today, and now I've just got back from the hospital where a family member died unexpectedly. And I'm fb watching! Angry we've had to tell people not to post on fb, what kind of world are we living in! Angry

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 04/03/2017 22:11

I suppose there always have been gossips who have to be as fast as possible to share anyone's news, be it over the washing line or on the phone. It's just that Facebook is so ruthlessly effective a way to do it.

It's the same process whether its a pregnancy/ birth/ death. It's just that death is much more painful for those receiving the news.

Fortunately most people I know are sensible enough to realise what is their news and what is not. Close relative sharing their grief when those who need personal contact have been contacted is absolutely fine. It's the breaking of that hierarchy that's the problem, and intruding upon those with a closer relationship.

It's not surprising that the worst offenders tend to be more distant after a more difficult relationship. The relationship was probably difficult due to that personality trait/ behaviour anyway.

wictional · 04/03/2017 22:17

My grandma died in November. I updated my profile photo to one of her and I later that night after all the family had been told. I didn't want to cash in on her death, so to speak, but putting a photo up for me a) documented a poignant moment in my life and b) let my friends know that I had just lost my gma and that they should maybe ask me if it was ok.

I don't think people should be shamed for how they grieve.

Gwilt160981 · 04/03/2017 22:18

When I was on Facebook and my mom died I didn't post it till about 3 days later. I didn't want uproar or family shit stirring. I came off Facebook after Xmas just gone. I dont want people knowing about my life. If they want to know anything they ask me face to face not check social media.

Gwilt160981 · 04/03/2017 22:20

I can't understand why social media needs to know stuff like this anyway... Newspapers have announcement sections for that. 😕

TheFirstMrsDV · 04/03/2017 22:24

What? Confused

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