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Original poster

Death and FB

109 replies

Crowdblundering · 04/03/2017 14:52

I don't think I am being unreasonable - if I am I obvs belong to another era.

OH grandparent died this morning. OH hadn't seen in years and is not really bothered (however harsh that may sound) his mum doesn't seem particularly upset either and already a lot of bitching about wills etc (OH not involved and not going to funeral for this reason).

None of the grandchildren close to him but have been rather over dramatic posts over the last few days tagging the whole family with lots of "love you Hun" posts as he lay dying but in reality there was an actual physical fight in the hospital by the death bed Hmm (we are hundreds of miles away).

This morning I woke up and scrolled through my FB to see that he has in fact passed away - OH then checks his phone and has a text from his DSIS telling him.

Thing is the post went on FB about 5 mins after the poor chap died closely followed by other posts almost trying to "beat" each other and get in there first Hmm the post has about 200 comments now to which SIL has commented on then all so clearly glued to FB while supposedly "grieving"

This would have been incredibly upsetting for OH to find out like this if he had been close and I just wonder WTAF is wrong with people that they need to use death on FB to attention seek like this.

It's just all a bit - uncouth? Sad

OP posts:
ShoutOutToMyEx · 04/03/2017 15:35

I've seen this before. My brother found out his much loved DGD had died from FB - our cousin whacked up a tribute photo collage pretty much as soon as the news broke. He was in another country and our mum couldn't reach him in time.

Wtf is wrong with people is about right.

HelenaGWells · 04/03/2017 15:39

Personally I would never announce a death on fb unless I was the next of kin. The only time I've done it was with my mum and it was done a couple of days later. We called family etc and made sure everyone close knew before we went more public to make further family and friends aware.

No one should have to find out about a close relative or friends death in this way.

Mulberry72 · 04/03/2017 15:42

I completely agree with you OP

When my Mum passed away in 2015 my cousin put a massive post on FB about my Mum along with lots of photos of her too.

I rang her and told her to take it down, as it was extremely upsetting for my siblings and I. She's never spoken to me since as we had a massive row about it, I'm not arsed.

For me, FB is for pictures of your dinner, cats etc. Not massive outpourings about personal family matters, but each to their own.

Bumply · 04/03/2017 15:43

I found out just how far from close I was with my ex's family when his sister's death was announced on FB (on her account).
In hindsight I didn't fault the husband as he knew that was the way to reach a lot of her friends, but a heads up from ex's side of the family that she was ill would have been appreciated.

Frazzled2207 · 04/03/2017 15:44

Serialcereal
But surely you agree that putting on facebook before family has been told, is unacceptable?

TheFirstMrsDV · 04/03/2017 15:45

It depends.
What you describe sounds pretty tacky.
But FB is a part of people's lives and young people won't know a life without it.
Its normal to talk about what is happening on FB and express feelings and emotions.
I don't think its uncouth or tacky to post memorials or condolences on FB. People grieve in their own way. Their way might not be yours or mine, doesnt make them wrong.

So not all FB & death is wrong. Some of it is awful though.

oblada · 04/03/2017 15:51

Completely agree, can't understand ppl putting this kind of thing on Facebook. Attention seeking, uncouth and generally complete nonsense.

lalalalyra · 04/03/2017 15:51

If your DH was truly grieving so,as you say, wouldn't be on Facebook - he wouldn't be on FB to find out that way.

If you don't know the person has died yet then you won't be grievingso could find out that way, surely?

I think FB posting (photos/funeral details etc) is fine as long as it's the next of kin doing it and it's after everyone knows. There was a huge row in my family when my Great Aunt was seriously ill, and subsequently died, because her granddaughter kept posting stuff on FB before her uncles were told (her uncles live Canada and her Mum can only ring one person at a time!). She ended up being told by her grandfather that if his sons found anything more out about their mother via FB she'd be banned from the hospital and she'd be the last to be told anything.

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 04/03/2017 15:51

I don't have an issue with people posting stuff whe someone has died when the whole family has been informed maybe a few days after?

I find everyone clambering to be the "first" without thinking of others feelings highly distasteful.

OP posts:
leastlittletouchofspleen · 04/03/2017 15:53

It's inappropriate in a lot of the contexts described on here, but I posted on Facebook when my dad died, partly because I didn't have the emotional energy to keep explaining and partly because I was shocked myself. I think I had to make it seem real x

TheProblemOfSusan · 04/03/2017 16:01

I don't have an issue with people posting stuff whe someone has died when the whole family has been informed maybe a few days after?

That's how I feel about it. It's one thing saying how sad you are and that you miss them - on my fb it's mostly friends who I'd like comfort from in such a situation - but you make sure family know and you leave a good few days.

I've unfollowed every family member on my side because some of them can't be trusted not to do things like this (they have form) and the others would comment and push it into my feed even if they were restrained themselves.

KatnissMellark · 04/03/2017 16:14

Loads of people from my extended family post each year on the anniversary of my Nan's death, about how much they miss her/love her/what an amazing Nan she was...however the family is hugely fractured from years of arguments and everyone being NC with someone. Many of these people barely knew her / didn't visit her / didn't attend the funeral and it smacks of attention seeking. Not everyone who posts on Fb is like this obviously but it's very distasteful when you know they don't and didn't give a shit, just want some likes and 'thinking of you hun' comments Hmm

I've blocked most of them now, it's not worth the headspace.

FooFighter99 · 04/03/2017 16:24

I had something similar when my cousin (who I though I was very close to) posted on Facebook that my uncle had been beaten cancer.. yet she hasn't actually bothered to tell us he'd had fucking cancer in the first place!!! I was so cross and I will actually never forgive her for that. We don't speak anymore and I won't lose sleep over it. They're selfish people and I have no time for them.

There's nothing worse than posting stuff like that on Facebook purely for the "likes"!

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 04/03/2017 16:29

I like SIL but to be perfectly honest she is a bit of a chav.

She is pg with her 1st baby ATM so is in her element on FB - esp with this too!

OP posts:
CarrieMyBag · 04/03/2017 16:31

Oh bollocks about these people grieve in their own way. It's purely attention seeking. Just because we don't post shit like that doesn't mean we loved the person passing any less.

moreslackthanslick · 04/03/2017 16:38

Jesus happyflappy

NotTHATMelania · 04/03/2017 17:01

Oh bollocks about these people grieve in their own way. It's purely attention seeking. Just because we don't post shit like that doesn't mean we loved the person passing any less.

I SO agree with this. A family member likes to gush is all over FB about all sorts of things:when it concerns her and her DP I just ignore it - personally i wouldn't be telling the whole world that i had the best OH in the whole world (or whatever) but I appreciate that this is the way young people act today.
What really upsets me, however, is when on the anniversary of my Mum's death - or on Mum's b-day she posts gushing stuff about how much she misses her and how she was her BFF etc etc Hang on a minute, the rest of us (particularly Dad ) feel Mum's absence dreadfully - especially at these times. If she wants to wallow then she should wallow IN PRIVATE and not keeping wailing and beating her breast (metaphorically) in public.

And nobody who is not the next of kin, or acting with the next of kin's blessing, should ever be announcing a birth or a death on FB.
I remember reading about a parent who had been called to the hospital after their child was struck by a car while crossing the road with their class on their way to the school playing field. The child died and the school put condoleances on their FB page before the family had even got to the hospital - how ghastly is that?!

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 04/03/2017 17:04

Some people on social media lack the ability to filter themselves.

It frightens me.

OP posts:
QueenofLouisiana · 04/03/2017 17:08

I found out that my DSDad's mum had died from a FB status posted by my DSBrother. She had been part of my life for 27 years. I check FB as I left work, I then had to pick up my son from nursery, drive 10 miles on icy roads etc.

Not great. To say the least.

But hey, he had got it on FB and was already announcing how he'd be at his local to drown his sorrows with lots of offers of a drink following.

His dad (my DSDad) was very upset by it.

endofthelinefinally · 04/03/2017 17:10

When my son died suddenly we were in such a state we could only just manage to telephone close family and a couple of his friends.
After a few days his friends asked us if we would like a memorial page set up.
It was beautifully and sensitively done. They put on a couple of photos and the funeral information.
There was a section for people to leave messages.
Over 300 people came to his funeral from all over the world.
We raised over £2K for his chosen charity.
Sometimes facebook can be useful.

HappyFlappy · 04/03/2017 17:11

Another thing I detest is he annexing of someone else's grief - people who barely knew the deceased saying how much they'll miss them and how upset and inconsolable they are, just in order to get a huge outpouring of sympathy for themselves! Shameful!

Original poster
Crowdblundering · 04/03/2017 17:12

endoftheline

I am pleased for you, so sorry to hear of your loss Flowers.

OP posts:
Original poster
Crowdblundering · 04/03/2017 17:14

Happyflappy. OH nephew (his DB son) lives abroad and has not spent much time in this country and OH GD never visited them has posted how much he will miss him
🙄.

I have been with OH 8 years and never met this grandfather.

OP posts:
itsmine · 04/03/2017 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

endofthelinefinally · 04/03/2017 17:18

But yes, I do agree about attention seeking people posting rubbish on their own pages. We did have one so called friend of one of our dc being a complete pain. She barely knew DS1.
But there was nothing like that on the memorial page. Just lovely, heartfelt messages.

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