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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or am I being fussy?

45 replies

Couchtofivek · 04/03/2017 12:44

I know I'm probably being silly but would like to know if this would annoy anyone else!

PILs are staying for a few days. They're nice people and make themselves very much at home when they visit.
Yesterday I got home from a long work day and a squashed commute to find MIL standing on a kitchen chair, head in my cupboards and every single cup and mug we own scattered all over the counter and sink. She said she'd "found the baking soda" (which I had planned to use today for baking) and was scrubbing the tea/coffee stains from all the mugs. We have quite a collection from DH's previous hobby of bringing one home from every place he visited (he travelled a lot).

The remaining bit of counter space had MILs electric toothbrush plugged in, two bags of oranges she'd bought, a large scales for weighing her meals and her phone charger.
The kitchen table had two newspapers, a coat, used tissues and what really set my teeth on edge, her handbag. I hate handbags on tables, they've most likely sat on the floor and I don't need that where I eat.

I know I'm probably BU and PMT isn't helping but was I being nuts in feeling rage at this?
I read somewhere before that commandeering the kitchen is an attempt at control!!

OP posts:
Sweets101 · 04/03/2017 12:46

I wouldn't mind but it doesn't mean you shouldn't.

Stormwhale · 04/03/2017 12:47

I would be pissed off too, but I fear we may be in the minority.

WorraLiberty · 04/03/2017 12:47

The only things that would have annoyed me are using the baking soda (because you wanted to use it today) and the used tissues.

Not fussed about the rest of it.

Bluntness100 · 04/03/2017 12:52

Wouldn't be too fussed no. You can send her round to mine to scrub out my cupboards.

Can't see the issue of her buying oranges, doesn't seem a big crime to me, if she needs to weigh her food she needs to weigh her food, i wouldn't have a major issue with her charging her phone either, is there some place you prefer her to charge them. The bag she might just have been using and yes the tissues are a bit grotty but many folks have a habit of that.

Yeah, I think you're being unreasonable. Please don't blame your hormones. That's even more unreasonable. Perpetuates a negative myth about women's ability to control themselves.

IWantATardis · 04/03/2017 12:57

If I'd been planning baking, so needed counter space, then yes, I'd find all the stuff on the counter really annoying.

Plus the used tissues. Surely a kitchen table can't be too far from a bin?

Trifleorbust · 04/03/2017 12:58

The only thing that would bother me would be her scrubbing my mugs. My mugs, my stains - I don't need you cleaning my house, thanks!

Original poster
Couchtofivek · 04/03/2017 13:00

At that point I'd been planning a cuppa and a sit down after standing on a packed train but couldn't get a cup or access the kettle!
I'd never go through someone's cupboards, even my siblings'. Then again I'm the sort who tidies a hotel room.

OP posts:
downwardfacingdog · 04/03/2017 13:00

Yanbu. I wouldn't want my in laws making themselves at hone that much!

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 04/03/2017 13:01

YABU. It's mildly irritating at best.

And thank you to bluntness. Ugh all the people on here blaming their hormones for every little thing.

BackforGood · 04/03/2017 13:07

I think YABU, or too fussy, too.

I think, if they are accepting your hospitality for a few days, they imagined it was a kind thing to do something that you don't get time to do.
I know when we are tired we get irritated by things that wouldn't bother us in a reasoned way, so YWNU to feel irritated, but, when you calm down you'll be able to see she was being nice.

Trifleorbust · 04/03/2017 13:07

Couchtofivek: Of course you wouldn't,, OP. It is abominably rude. I would bet my home that she wouldn't like it if you did it to her. She is doing it because you are a younger female and she is trying to put you in your place as being an extension of her own family. Tell her you would prefer her not to clean your home.

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 04/03/2017 13:09

It would annoy me a bit yes but I would likely just bite my lip if they are only with you for a few days

CosyNook · 04/03/2017 13:13

I'd be unhappy with the handbag on the table Angry

BeIIatrix · 04/03/2017 14:19

I would be unhappy with them staying in the first place to be honest so it would really annoy me - the whole lot of it

I don't do well with having people to stay, especially my parents or in laws. A regular guest, a friend for example wouldn't dig through your cupboards etc, parents and inlaws seem to think that your house is an extension of theirs and they are entitled to do as they please in it. It is your space

ShowMePotatoSalad · 04/03/2017 14:23

I would wonder why she's so bored she would even think about doing such a thing. I'd rather sit and stare at a wall than scrub clean mugs.

YANBU if she wouldn't let you get a cup but I would have used one regardless.

rookiemere · 04/03/2017 14:24

I'd be more narked about the used tissues on the kitchen table to be honest.

Your MIL sounds a bit like my DM used to be. She'd do all sorts of things that she thought were really helpful - she once took away all our tea towels and sewed little hangers on them - but stuff that hadn't really registered on our consciousness.

I think most guests are annoying and it sounds like her hearts in the right place, so I think just grit your teeth and try and point her in the direction of tasks that you actually want to get done.

limon · 04/03/2017 14:51

Yanbu. She was really rude to make such a mess in your space

HumphreyCobblers · 04/03/2017 15:01

If I was tired and had PMT I wouldn't have appreciated coming home to that mess. I couldn't care less about a bag on the table though.

Yeah, I think you're being unreasonable. Please don't blame your hormones. That's even more unreasonable. Perpetuates a negative myth about women's ability to control themselves - the OP did say she SAID anything though? She just felt inner rage. I take your point about blaming hormones but I DO feel cross at certain times of the month.

pigsDOfly · 04/03/2017 15:07

Would annoy me: used tissues, handbag on table both pretty grim but that apart, who goes to someone else's house and starts cleaning the stuff in their cupboards. It's bloody rude and overstepping a line.

I'm very close to one of my DDs but wouldn't dream of interfering in her home like that; she'd think I'd gone slightly odd apart from anything else if I were to suddenly take on her cleaning.

Joinourclub · 04/03/2017 15:14

Yes I'd be annoyed. My mother and mother in law think of my house as extensions of theirs and spread their stuff all over the place when they visit. I don't think 'oo how lovely we're so close' , I think it is a way of them establishing themselves as head of the family. I find it a bit disrespectful to be honest. But hey ho, we do get on so I can't say anything as they would both take great offence and I don't want to upset them.

pigsDOfly · 04/03/2017 15:24

Agree it disrespectful and, I suspect, gives a good indication that the parent doing this still sees their adult children and spouse as still children.

Very much doubt they'd go into the home of a friend and do something like that.

missm0use · 04/03/2017 15:44

That would irritate the fuck out of me!!! Sound like we have the same MIL - within 5 minutes of being in the door she has left a trail of her shit stuff behind her. Shoes, jackets, bags, bottles of water, tissues, rubbish, knitting, phone, iPad, chargers ....

Does my head in for two reasons - 1) you cannot put anything down in her home for two minutes without it being tidied away 2) our home isn't just our home it's a B&B and we almost always have guests arriving / staying, so after cleaning and tidying for our guests arriving she waltz in and has the place littered with her crap! Angry

ScarlettFreestone · 04/03/2017 15:54

I'd be very annoyed about the mugs.

In no other circumstances would anyone consider it acceptable to start cleaning out someone's cupboards without asking first.

As for the rest, some guests to spread out more than others. If it bothers me I just tidy it away.

TitaniasCloset · 04/03/2017 15:59

Yabu. She was trying to be kind and helpful. If you wanted a cup if tea, why didn't you just say? I think you are being ridiculous. But please by all means send her round to clean my cupboards out.

BackforGood · 04/03/2017 16:10

She is doing it because you are a younger female and she is trying to put you in your place as being an extension of her own family

or, she remembers how little time you have when you are out at work all day, and remembers how much she would have loved a bit of help in the house when she was in that situation, so was trying to do a nice thing for you ????

Some people are so negative sometimes.

She appreciated staying there and was trying to give a little back is how the non bitter people in life might have interpreted the situation.