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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want another baby yet?

29 replies

iffybiffybomb · 03/03/2017 07:35

My baby is 16 months. Everyone is asking me when I'm going to have another. I had PND with him quite badly but nonetheless I always said I wanted a big gap between kids. I know I wouldn't be able to cope with two in nappies, two not sleeping etc...honestly it would be my worst nightmare. I want to wait at least 3-4 years before we have another. Also we are in a v small flat, won't be able to move for at least 2 years.

Everyone keeps looking at me like this Shock saying oh but they won't get along etc etc. There are 5 years between my sister and I and 8 years between my brother and I and we are all really close - surely this just depends on the individual personalities and family circumstances!

I am still young so I do have time but why is everyone so obsessive with wanting small age gaps? It's not right for us.

AIBU

OP posts:
DrivingMeBonkers · 03/03/2017 07:37

Just tell people that your sex life is none of their business.

OuchBollocks · 03/03/2017 07:38

A person's reproductive plans are the business of themselves, the co parent and possibly their obstetrician. Anyone else sticking their beak in is entirely unreasonable and can therefore fuck off. It's your body, your finances, your family and happily we live in a day and age where it's your decision.

Penguin27 · 03/03/2017 07:39

Definitely no one else's business! What you and your DP decide to do with your bodies and your lives is completely up to you.

Lovelilies · 03/03/2017 07:39

YANBU
I think it's just a conversation thing.

You can say we want a bigger age gap. Or tell them to fuck off. Whichever you prefer Grin

Original poster
iffybiffybomb · 03/03/2017 07:54

MIL said "accidents happen" in a nudge nudge wink wink voice

OP posts:
pipsqueak25 · 03/03/2017 07:56

tell mil to 'feck off and mind your own' in a nudge, nudge wink wink voice

SpookyPotato · 03/03/2017 08:28

I don't get the obsession with it either. From what I've seen in my life, it's down to personalities if they get on or not. I love having big gaps between me and my brothers and I'm really close to the one who is 13 years older!

SpookyPotato · 03/03/2017 08:29

Forgot to add... it's such a big thing that you need to do it when you are ready, no-one else..

OddShoe · 03/03/2017 08:33

It's just (slightly inappropriate) conversation making. Don't read too much into it. Its just an accepted small talk topic for people with young children, the people asking probably aren't even that interested. Much like when you pass time chatting about the weather.

I had 5 year gap between my first two and people stopped asking after a few years.

SEsofty · 03/03/2017 09:28

This drives me up the wall.

I wanted a really small gap, ended up with a relatively large ga- not through choice.

The only appropriate response is that it is none of your business what shape our family mmay or may not be.

And there's absolutely nothing wrong with only children if that's what you want

mistermagpie · 03/03/2017 09:39

You can't win so just ignore them or tell them it's none of their business. I have a 19 month old DS and am 35 weeks pregnant with DC2 (pretty much your worst nighmare!), and people acted like we were crazy when we announced this pregnancy - youre damned if you do and damned if you don't. People always feel the need to comment no matter what decision you make so just smile and nod and do what's right for you.

Writerwannabe83 · 03/03/2017 09:51

When me and DH had DS we only ever intended to have one and we freely talked about it to family and friends which resulted in nobody ever asking us about having a second as they knew it was never in our plans.

At the time we genuinely did only intend on having one but when DS was about 12 months old I started getting broody and after ten months or so of deliberating we decided to TTC for another one. It was so nice doing it without everyone around us expectantly awaiting an announcement.

It then took us 11 months to get pregnant which meant DS was almost three when we made it public knowledge and everyone was so shocked because of how adamant we had always been about only having one. It obviously meant though that we got asked "Was it an accident?" many times.

Anyway - tell people you and DH have discussed the matter and for personal reasons have decided you won't be having another child. Keep repeating this whilst refusing to go into any details and people will eventually leave you alone.

OddShoe · 03/03/2017 09:52

Agree mistermagpie. We'll have a 16/17 month gap when dc3 arrives. One of my colleagues was gleefully telling me it was going to be a nightmare when I pointed out she had a 17 month gap and has always told me it's great!

user1484394242 · 03/03/2017 09:55

We have a 12 year gap. They get on brilliantly and older one loves to help, babysit etc. There's no right or wrong gap, whatever works for you. And it's no one else's business. They shouldn't be putting this pressure on you.

user1484394242 · 03/03/2017 09:56

And if it's MIL and her side of the family, get DH to tell her/them to stop it.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 03/03/2017 09:59

MIL said "accidents happen" in a nudge nudge wink wink voice

How rude. Tell her you only do bumsex.
My boy is 15 months and we are getting the same question

Original poster
iffybiffybomb · 03/03/2017 10:03

I looked her in the eye and said I'd terminate if I got pregnant now by mistake.

I wasn't joking either. Hats off to the small gappers, you are heroes.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 03/03/2017 10:04

tell them that pregnancy and birth were horrible and the baby bores you rigid so it will be a long time.

That should shut them up!

SumAndSubstance · 03/03/2017 10:09

This used to drive me mad too. We struggled to conceive our second (and the constant "Why don't you have a second?" questions didn't make this period of my life any easier), but I am now 28 weeks pregnant. The age gap will be 5 years, which will be bigger than we'd planned, but I can see lots of advantages to it now, and ultimately, it is what it is! I also found that people eventually stopped asking when we were having another one.

MyBreadIsEggy · 03/03/2017 10:09

Your sex life is no one else's business....that should shut the conversation down pretty swiftly.
I have a small age gap (17 months). My eldest is 22 months and my youngest is 4 months. Everyone kept saying things like "you two need desperate beds" and "don't you have a tv in your house?" Hmm

MyBreadIsEggy · 03/03/2017 10:10

seperate beds
Not desperate beds Confused

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 03/03/2017 10:23

4.5 years between mine and it's great. Going back to nappies was a bit of a shock but they're now 5.5 and 1 and they get on well (as well as a toddler can be expected to get on with anyone! ) my older son is helpful, fetches things like nappies or ds2 water bottle etc. They both clearly love each other so much, it's lovely to see. My sister and I have 4 years between us, she tolerated me when we were younger but we are very close now Grin

Vanillaradio · 03/03/2017 12:43

I got this a lot. Literally the first time I got asked was on the maternity ward with hours old ds in my arms! I'm not sure what the answer is or why people do it but it's bloody annoying and I sympathise. BTW we have a 3 year old and are ttc now, people are still asking and it's still bloody annoying!

SpaceDuck · 03/03/2017 21:28

My DS is only 6 months old and I've already had this question more times than I can count!!

Ewock · 03/03/2017 21:48

Mine are 3.5 and 12 weeks. We had people asking us when ds was 1 yr old, I was not ready for another at that point. And did tell some people that my sex life was none of their business or I said 'do you realise you are asking if dh and I are a) having sex and b) having unprotected sex? That shut people up pretty quick.
I figured once I was pregnant people would shut up, but we then got ohhh I bet you are so pleased its a girl and not another boy 😞 I had a massive go at a 'friend' who said this. We would have been happy either way and I felt it was a disgusting thing to say. And now that dd is here I have people spouting that we have the perfect family - it would have been perfect to me if we had 2 boys or 2 girls or a girl and a boy - I dont understand the fixation people have or why they feel they have the right to comment. And Ibhave also been asked if we are having a 3rd and then before I can say a thing giving me a lecture on why this would be a good/bad idea! Ahhhh. For some reason people feel they have free reign to discuss pregnancy and kids!!!

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