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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

At breaking point

81 replies

AtSea1979 · 02/03/2017 20:59

DS is crying himself to sleep. I'm sat here crying. I don't know how to help him or myself. Life is so stressful at minute. DS day dreams so much the frustration is killing us. He lost hundreds of pounds worth of things since starting high school in sept. He won't get dressed without needing me to yoyo up and down the stairs every few minutes to keep him focused. He can't prioritise and doesn't seem to care either way anyway. All I do is yell. All the time. I come home from work swearing it will be better, I will not shout, I'll be kind and understanding and patient, and within minutes I'm yelling what the hell did you do that for, why haven't you done this, where have you put it? When did you last see it? All the while DS getting screechy and I get louder until he's screaming at me in an irritating off the radar high pitch whine and I'm yelling at him.

OP posts:

Creampastry · 02/03/2017 21:00

Why is he losing things? Is he being bullied? What does school say?

Trifleorbust · 02/03/2017 21:01

How old is he?

offblackeggshell · 02/03/2017 21:01

Have you spoken to someone in pastoral at school?

Chirrup5 · 02/03/2017 21:02

So he's 11 yo and has lost hundreds of pounds worth of stuff? How did this happen

Original poster

AtSea1979 · 02/03/2017 21:30

He lost his coat, his football boots, his trainers twice, library book, watch, blazer, PE kit, school laptop. All at school but he won't bother looking for them properly. Pastoral care take him to look in lost property but it wasn't there and that's about it. He won't ask any teachers as he's too shy. He won't prioritise looking for his stuff as he doesn't seem to care. I tell him how useless he is. I yell at him. I hate myself yet seem to find myself sucked in by the frustration and stress of money etc

OP posts:

Backt0Black · 02/03/2017 21:32

Hugely helpful Chirrup. FGS - theyre both sitting there in tears, whats with the pithy reply? Hope you feel great about yourself.

atsea1979 This really doesn't sound good for either of you....neither of you should be in tears, for an 11 yr old boy to be crying himself to sleep?!?! thats pretty extreme. You need outside help / advice.

You mention DS is unable to get dressed without your prodding him along. What happens if you don't.....? Is he just terribly late or is he truly incapable of dressing? As for losing things, screaming wont help - but you know that. Any diagnosed SN?

Please - get both of you to the docs to calmly explain what is going on, this sounds like a miserable existence.

andontothenext · 02/03/2017 21:33

I hate even asking this but is he neuro typical?

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 02/03/2017 21:34

Are you sure he's not being bullied and the bullies are taking his things hence the stuff not being in lost property.

TheWitTank · 02/03/2017 21:35

My DD has dyspraxia and is exactly the same. We write lists and she finds these help her to remember although she still really struggles. Are you positive there is no underlying issue?

Backt0Black · 02/03/2017 21:39

I tell him how useless he is please get some help for you both. I had a lot of this talk growing up...and it DOES stick with you.

Proudmumof2boys · 02/03/2017 21:41

He sounds like my son with dyspraxia too
Is he in a huge school - would it be worth thinking of a move to a smaller school?

Bonesy1 · 02/03/2017 21:42

I agree with the wit tank, sounds very like dyspraxia to me, I would have a word with the GP, big hugs xxx

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 02/03/2017 21:42

Don't tell him he's useless ffs. Get some help.

Oh, and if you have an 11 year old boy crying himself to sleep there is something wrong. Go and talk to him NICELY FFS!

Original poster

AtSea1979 · 02/03/2017 21:42

I think there's ASD traits as he gets 'stressy' very easily but nothing diagnosable. If I leave him, which I do as I have myself and DD to get sorted too he just sits around day dreaming and then we are late. But it's not just him that's the problem it's me too. I'm dealing with it all wrong. Then I feel guilty then I plan to deal with it calmly then it all goes wrong and the frustration of my expectation of a happier home going wrong tips me over the edge again and the cycle continues. Meanwhile DD is sat on the sideline of all this noise and chaos.

OP posts:

PumpkinPie2016 · 02/03/2017 21:44

I'm so sorry to hear you are both finding things so hard

I echo what others have said - could he be being bullied and hence his things are being taken? You mention he is a shy boy so maybe he is afraid to tell anyone?

It may also be worth getting in touch with the school SENCo as he could have some form of SN such as dyspraxia which can make self organisation very difficult.

Could he perhaps try a visual list of what he needs to do in the morning e.g. get dressed, brush teeth, eat breakfast etc?

Would a visual timer help him to get ready on time? You can download a teacher timer for free and they are very visual.

Checklist for what he needs to take to school/being home?

I hope you manage to get sorted soon

So you have RL support?

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 02/03/2017 21:44

Where's his dad in all of this and what support is he providing?

TheRealKimmySchmidt63 · 02/03/2017 21:45

It's unlikely he has much control over this no one would choose to be Lin his situation I do understand how frustration it must be for you too would second visiting your gp and/ or talking to form tutor to come up with strategies and asking school for educational psychologist assessment - will take a while but worth requesting how was he at prlmary school what did teachers say? Try and seek some help situation not good for him or you

Original poster

AtSea1979 · 02/03/2017 21:45

We've had a chat in between my OP and second one so hopefully he's gone to sleep happier.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 02/03/2017 21:46

Urgh would a tick list?

Literally step by step what he needs to do to get ready? So at least you can shout where are you on the list, what's next...?

IAdoreEfteling · 02/03/2017 21:47

Op I was not good at getting dressed and DF made a game of it and used to time me, all clothes laid out and I really enjoyed being timed for some reason, it wasnt just getting dressed but a fun game where I could beat yesterdays time.
Loosing stuff is soooo irritating! Do you take away tech etc?
I would get all stuff back then start afresh - then say to him for every item you loose and dont get back - you loose x amount of time on computer/ whatever it is he enjoys, dock it - dont screech just do it.

good luck.

TheWitTank · 02/03/2017 21:47

The day dreamy tendancies make me lean even further towards dyspraxia. Have a read
dyspraxiafoundation.org.uk/about-dyspraxia/

Chirrup5 · 02/03/2017 21:47

BacktOBlack my post was not to meant to sound 'pithy' rather more incredulous but I suppose you would pounce on that as well

Mumtobe12 · 02/03/2017 21:48

The loosing things at school and not wanting to look or tell a teacher sounds like potential bullying to me I would speak to school about it.

needsahalo · 02/03/2017 21:49

Bring him downstairs - my children (dyspraxics the lot of 'em!) get ready downstairs so it is easy to keep an eye on progress. Have you spoken to the school about the stuff he is losing?

Backt0Black · 02/03/2017 21:51

Chirrup - not sure how your comment was in any way helpful. Cant be arsed with a bunfight - but heres a for you. As it is OP is getting some helpful posts now. 'Night.

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