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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

At breaking point

81 replies

AtSea1979 · 02/03/2017 20:59

DS is crying himself to sleep. I'm sat here crying. I don't know how to help him or myself. Life is so stressful at minute. DS day dreams so much the frustration is killing us. He lost hundreds of pounds worth of things since starting high school in sept. He won't get dressed without needing me to yoyo up and down the stairs every few minutes to keep him focused. He can't prioritise and doesn't seem to care either way anyway. All I do is yell. All the time. I come home from work swearing it will be better, I will not shout, I'll be kind and understanding and patient, and within minutes I'm yelling what the hell did you do that for, why haven't you done this, where have you put it? When did you last see it? All the while DS getting screechy and I get louder until he's screaming at me in an irritating off the radar high pitch whine and I'm yelling at him.

OP posts:
Original poster
AtSea1979 · 02/03/2017 21:53

I asked for an ed psych assessment and the school said the waiting list was long and a label wouldn't deal with the issues. I disagree but I feel I'm being labelled as a precious parent so backed off from that and left them to approach me if they were concerned. Senco are supporting him as he has SALT input but he's quite bright so Senco only see him once a month or so. I will google dyspraxia.

I use a kitchen timer at home to help him, especially since he lost his watch.

Visuals would probably help. He has used lists in the past but like everything the novelty wears off and doesn't know where he's put it and I ransack his room to find it and he yells at me that I'm making it messy and I yell at him well if you didn't lose everything I wouldn't be here turning the place over..again.

OP posts:
IonaNE · 02/03/2017 21:55

He won't prioritise looking for his stuff as he doesn't seem to care
Hmm
I'm sorry to be going against the majority here but I think I'd try to find ways to make him care. (Lost blazer? Pay for the new one from his pocket money.)

Original poster
AtSea1979 · 02/03/2017 21:56

I don't think he's being bullied, I asked him most days if everything's ok and we chat about his day over tea etc he does go to a big school as the local small one isn't as academic and he is quite clever...at some things!

OP posts:
Original poster
AtSea1979 · 02/03/2017 22:01

The dyspraxia does sound like him but he's not clumsy and can physically dress himself, he just gets distracted very easily.

OP posts:
Itsnotwhatitseems · 02/03/2017 22:03

does he have school friends and is he doing OK in lessons?

DailyFailstinks · 02/03/2017 22:04

I was going to say dyspraxia as soon as I read your post, but I see someone's beaten me to it. I have some personal experience of a close relative with it - so please consider getting him tested.

Want2bSupermum · 02/03/2017 22:05

1st - take a deep breath and do not yell. It doesn't help anyone. Actually it is extremely negative for all involved.

2nd - Your son needs help. You need help to figure out how to get your son the help you need. Start with his school. You need to go in and speak to his teachers and find out what is going on. I would suspect he is being bullied but I think there is a whole lot more going on than you know about.

Go and talk to the school and save up for an assessment by an educational psychologist.

DJBaggySmalls · 02/03/2017 22:06

If he is reluctant to go to school and has lost that much stuff, you have to look into the possibility that he is being severely bullied.

Poor timekeeping and being disorganized can be symptoms of dyslexia, so thats worth looking at.

redexpat · 02/03/2017 22:06

Have you read how to talk so children will listen? And I think you should push for assesment.

Want2bSupermum · 02/03/2017 22:07

X-posted. You go back in and be that squeaky wheel to have him assessed. He needs it. Don't yell at him. Yell at the school until you get what your son needs.

cheapskatemum · 02/03/2017 22:08

Not all people with dyspraxia are clumsy, that's one of the reasons they renamed it from "clumsy child syndrome". Do Google it, you will see that there are a wide range of traits.

TheFirstMrsDV · 02/03/2017 22:09

My DS1 was like this.
He is NT, no SEND
Just the way he is.
It drove me mad.

He is 23 now and still a bit of a flake but I don't buy his stuff so it doesn't bother me.

He couldn't finish a single blood sequence without constant reminders. He manages to hold down a job, a flat and a relationship ok now.

I didn't handle him well. I made a lot of mistakes with him. I stressed too much about the small things. I should have let a lot more go and concentrated on the stuff that really mattered.

I totally get your frustration and guilt and the stuff about the shouting. Flowers

skerrywind · 02/03/2017 22:09

Your relationship with your son and your treatment of him is the most serious thing happening here- not the missing items.

The human issues need fixed as a bigger priority than stuff.

Chirrup5 · 02/03/2017 22:14

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Original poster
AtSea1979 · 02/03/2017 22:14

Ok so I will make a tick list now to help him in the morning. What other strategies can I use for a calmer home?

OP posts:
glasgowsfinest · 02/03/2017 22:17

I feel for you OP. My 7yo has similar traits and it drives me absolutely nuts, but I myself am dyspraxic so it doesn't surprise me that he he is as it is. Still exceptionally frustrating though.
I echo lots of other posters in thinking that he sounds dyspraxic or ADD. It's correct that not all dyspraxics are clumsy. How is his handwriting? Any difficulty knowing left from right? Is he in any way ambidextrous? I have no experience with tweenagers so don;t know if referrals HAVE to go through the school. but your GP may be able to refer your DS to an OT or ed psych for an assessment. How is his concentration in lessons? Can he focus on his work, complete his work in a timely manner etc?
I totally get your guilt after telling yourself you'll stop shouting then the following day there you are shouting again. I've been there, may many times!

skerrywind · 02/03/2017 22:18

OP I wouldn't even bother with checklists.

You need to stop fighting and rescue your relationship with him.

The lists can wait.

Adopting a positive parenting approach will see other things fall into place.

MiniMum97 · 02/03/2017 22:18

He needs to be assessed. If the school/CAMHS won't help take him to an educational psychologist. Sounds like he could.be dyslexic or on the autistic spectrum. Does he have any difficulties socially? Once you know what you are dealing with and you and the school have done strategies it will make it much easier for you to cope with.

If he's not SN, find out if there are any PPP classes in your area as the way you are treating your son at the moment will be really awful for his self esteem so you need to find some better ways to cope.

My son has aspergers and used to lose things all the time. One method I taught him was to remember how many things he left the house with and to periodically check he still had 5 items say. I would have to remind him of this EVERY day as he let the house. He still lost things but less stuff. To give you hope he's now 20 and doesn't lose much at all.

purplepansyem · 02/03/2017 22:18

I would ask the school for an assessment for him. I always knew there was something 'not right' with my youngest daughter but her primary school were worse than useless. It wasn't until she started secondary school that I got anywhere. I asked the school for an assessment and within 3 weeks she had been seen and diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. If you're given a diagnosis you will find it easier to cope with him, I promise.

TheWitTank · 02/03/2017 22:18

I feel really sad for him actually. Knowing DD and how much she struggles with organisation and remembering however much effort she puts in, I know she would be devestated to be yelled at and it wouldn't make a jot of difference other than to make her feel like shit.
You MUST push for some help at school. DD gets support and it makes such a difference. We have little routines and plans in place that help. I lay out her clothes and she has a small memo board in her room with a list of her routine i.e. deodorant, teeth, brush hair. We do her bag the night before and I double check it, same with clothes. We use clips with things like purses and keys so they are attached to her school bag/trousers. I text her reminders in the day if anything is really important. The teachers are aware they need to remind her of things so that helps. Name tags on EVERYTHING.
Good luck Flowers

hungryhippo90 · 02/03/2017 22:22

oh gosh, this sounds like a really hard situation for you both.
can you try and turn getting dressed into a family race? i have to do this with DD often. I havent done this recently, but would cut down on the "get dressed time" by about 50%

This does sound like such an awful time, is he being bullied? many of these things would go missing if that were the case.

Is it possible that you go for family counselling or something similar?
I think it would be beneficial for you both. please dont tell your son that he is useless. thats the kind of thing that will damage his confidence and hurt him long term.

It is so stressful being a mum sometimes, and im sure that you must feel you can ill afford your losses.

go and give him a hug, and tell him that tomorrow is a new day, and you want to start it in the happiest of moods with him. start the day with a lovely breakfast, and explain when he is home you want to lay down some expectations. you would also appreciate hearing from him what he feels he needs from you, both to do, and not to do.

also please double check he isnt being bullied. this could be why he is not getting dressed quickly in the mornings.

Lilacpink40 · 02/03/2017 22:23

Sounds like my DS (7). He's been assessed since 4 as originally it was as though he was deaf he was often closed away. Not emotionally, but just able to focus on anything. Diagnosis not given yet but development centre suggesting ADD.

PlayOnWurtz · 02/03/2017 22:24

My 11yo is very like this. Constantly has to be reminded to do things constantly losing things (no bullying just careless) but the difference with mine is they're a complete and utter stress head with it and they freak out over every little thing despite my laid back approach. My dc is also the clumsiest person i know! I can't help just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

Lilacpink40 · 02/03/2017 22:24

Not able to focus!

PlayOnWurtz · 02/03/2017 22:25

My dc is hypermobile btw hence clumsy