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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think "outshining the bride" is just misogynistic bollocks?

99 replies

MrsWonkasEmergencyChocolate · 02/03/2017 15:55

Just that really. I've seen it on a few threads recently and it's been on my mind how insulting it is, and how often it's said! I'm getting married this year and my bridesmaids have flattering dresses. They are also slimmer than me and don't look haggard from having a small child, along with most of the women under 35 who will be at my wedding. So objectively, whilst I will definitely be the most bridal looking person there, and one of the two happiest, I won't be the most beautiful.

But that's fine, because my future husband will think I look beautiful, and as for the guests, there's no danger of like "well I thought that woman in white with the bouquet was the bride, particularly as I've known her 15 years but then my eye was caught by this beautiful 23 year old with a stunning figure and I decided that perhaps she was the bride and I should take more photos of her and ask her to cut the cake because she's so much shinier."

Could you imagine if men were told not to outshione each other? It's just more pitting women against each other. Surely nobody can "outshine the bride" unless you believe that somebody looking more stereotypically attractive makes somebody more worthy of attention?

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 02/03/2017 16:03

I sort of see where you are coming from but I still feel the same way

I have paid for the wedding with my husband and want to look stunning and have all eyes on me

Why should I have to compete on my own wedding day with someone who is trying to upstage me?

MTB1003 · 02/03/2017 16:05

Yabu because it's mostly women who think this way, not men.

EveningShadows · 02/03/2017 16:06

It's women who do this to other women so I'm not sure you could misogyny! I doubt any of the men would either notice or care!

Women are often our own harshest critics sadly Hmm

EveningShadows · 02/03/2017 16:06

Claim misogyny

Allthebestnamesareused · 02/03/2017 16:07

Does anybody really go to a wedding though trying to upstage the bride? They may try to make the best of themselves for their own self esteem but not to outdo the bride (unless they are seriously deranged).

I agreeMrsWonkas that as the bride everyone will be focussed on you and your lovely day. They may also say didn't Jane look nice in her outfit or didn't Susie's hair look lovely but it doesn't make you any less special.

But you will be glowing just from the occasion and the most special one there (with your DP)

multivac · 02/03/2017 16:08

Women are perfectly capable of misogyny; you only need to spend two minutes on Mumsnet to see the evidence of this.

And yes, OP, you are entirely correct.

user1483981877 · 02/03/2017 16:11

I agree that it is bollocks, but I also want to pull you up a bit on how harsh you are on yourself in that first paragraph. Forget how everyone else looks, it's your big day, you get to wear a nice dress (or whatever else you've chosen to wear), ultimately it's about you and your bloke. I'm a mum and I think the more of us who make it acceptable to say that we've lost it once we have kids we are sort of buying into that crap even more.

LittleMissCantbebothered · 02/03/2017 16:12

My SIL attended my wedding wearing her wedding dress. Yes it was white.

It didn't and does not bother me as hers was an off the hanger style and she didn't arrive in a veil and tiara or anything like that. She is also 25 years older than me.

Other guests were very annoyed at her, and although cheeky of her, she didn't upstage me.

EveningShadows · 02/03/2017 16:14

Well if you want to call it misogyny you can but that is normally recognised as something men perpetuate against women - this is very definitely a thing that women (who have too much time on their hands) do against other women.

Weddings in general have become utterly insane now - embarrassingly so - and again this is something women have encouraged with their ridiculous bridezilla behaviour. The diktats over who wears what are one part of that.

IamFriedSpam · 02/03/2017 16:14

Why should I have to compete on my own wedding day with someone who is trying to upstage me? Do people actually do this though? I think most people just want to look nice to attend a wedding but I've never met anyone who would want to compete with the bride (although judging by the posts on MN there maybe there are people crazy enough to do this). Both my best friends who were my bridesmaids are naturally stunning and will look better than me whatever we all wear which is fine as I think people will want to look at the bride since she'll be getting married not because she's necessarily the prettiest.

ImperialBlether · 02/03/2017 16:15

She must have looked like a complete idiot, LittleMissCantbebothered!

Original poster
MrsWonkasEmergencyChocolate · 02/03/2017 16:15

Sorry I did write "anti-women" then changed to misogyny but what I meant was that it's just another way of society pitting women against each other and making it some kind of competition, or something to be affronted by rather than like "let's all be happy today and how great that everyone looks their best for the occasion".

OP posts:
notgettingyounger · 02/03/2017 16:18

I couldn't agree with you more, OP. Well said. You will be radiant and glowing with happiness, as every bride is, which is what will make you the most beautiful to your husband and to those that care about you. Why wouldn't you also want your family and friends to look lovely? I think sometimes women can be as misogynist as some men. Look at the women who campaigned NOT to have the vote.

badabeedabom · 02/03/2017 16:19

How can anyone honestly believe that women can't be misgynistic Confused. It's not like we grow up in a different culture to men. We receive all the same messages about women that they do!

IamFriedSpam · 02/03/2017 16:20

My SIL attended my wedding wearing her wedding dress. Yes it was white. Shock OK so apparently some people do do this. Has to be a tiny minority of insane individuals though! Usually when I've heard of people "not outshining the bride" it's been in reference to bridesmaid being put in deliberately unflattering outfits to make the bride look better in comparison.

DoesAnyoneReadTheseThings · 02/03/2017 16:21

I agree with you OP.

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 02/03/2017 16:22

I have paid for the wedding with my husband and want to look stunning and have all eyes on me

Unfortunately that is not something you can buy!

I don't understand what "outshining" means anyway? Does it mean you don't invite women prettier than you, or you do but you expect them to wear an unflattering dress or something?

EveningShadows · 02/03/2017 16:22

My point bababeed, is that this is something very specific to women so I think blanketing with the title misogyny is misleading, but feel free just to assume I'm thick. It's easier that way.

Soubriquet · 02/03/2017 16:23

My sister tried in her bridesmaid dress

She was jealous of the fact I was getting married so made herself up as pretty as possible, got completely drunk and flashed her privates a couple of times Hmm

Didn't ruin the wedding as such but she hated the limelight not on her

NattyBatty · 02/03/2017 16:23

I'm with you MrsWonka. When I got married my bridesmaids looked loveley (my best friend was particuarly stunning) but it wasn't a competition. I knew that the only person whose opinion mattered woudl be looking at me, and I wanted everyone else to feel comfortable too.

SailAwayWithMeHoney · 02/03/2017 16:24

I agree with you too OP

shinynewusername · 02/03/2017 16:26

My BF asked me to be bridesmaid, then admitted she has asked me, not her other BF 'X' because 'X is too glamorous'. Thanks Smile

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 02/03/2017 16:27

I think people turning up in their own wedding dress/a block white dress of any description is rude and even though they won't outshine the bride (because people will just think they're rude and weird) it will definitely show the person's true colours.

With the exception of that, I don't get the aggro about "outshining the bride". My younger sister was my bridesmaid, she's 15 and absolutely gorgeous. I'm 22 and looked fucking fantastic on my wedding day but I'm not as naturally pretty as her. It didn't matter a bit to me, I was so proud of her and she looked beautiful. I don't get this rule about only having bridesmaids bigger/uglier than you.

Similarly all of our guests looked beautiful/handsome and neither of us felt "outshone" in any way. Unless they're barging down the aisle and insisting that they get married instead, I don't see how they can upstage the bride and groom?!

minipie · 02/03/2017 16:27

It's deliberately upstaging the bride which is frowned on.

Deliberately upstaging the bride does not mean looking better than the bride.

Deliberately upstaging the bride means this (Raquel Welch at her son's wedding)

To think "outshining the bride" is just misogynistic bollocks?
Catzpyjamas · 02/03/2017 16:30

I'd be far more disappointed if someone hadn't made an effort with their outfit for my wedding than if they looked more fabulous than me.
yes, looking at you, Uncle. That cardigan had seen better days

However my MIL turned up head to toe in black, including massive hat. That provoked a few conversations Hmm

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