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Original poster

To think "outshining the bride" is just misogynistic bollocks?

99 replies

MrsWonkasEmergencyChocolate · 02/03/2017 15:55

Just that really. I've seen it on a few threads recently and it's been on my mind how insulting it is, and how often it's said! I'm getting married this year and my bridesmaids have flattering dresses. They are also slimmer than me and don't look haggard from having a small child, along with most of the women under 35 who will be at my wedding. So objectively, whilst I will definitely be the most bridal looking person there, and one of the two happiest, I won't be the most beautiful.

But that's fine, because my future husband will think I look beautiful, and as for the guests, there's no danger of like "well I thought that woman in white with the bouquet was the bride, particularly as I've known her 15 years but then my eye was caught by this beautiful 23 year old with a stunning figure and I decided that perhaps she was the bride and I should take more photos of her and ask her to cut the cake because she's so much shinier."

Could you imagine if men were told not to outshione each other? It's just more pitting women against each other. Surely nobody can "outshine the bride" unless you believe that somebody looking more stereotypically attractive makes somebody more worthy of attention?

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 02/03/2017 17:05

DW and I have a wedding coming up where the groom's sister is a self-publicist who cannot accept that any occasion she goes to her is not about her. We are expecting an upstage; either in how she dresses, or by announcing her own engagement, or goodness knows what, but she will want to divert the attention onto her. I will let you know!

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 02/03/2017 17:06

I wouldn't feel outshined (outshone?) but I would feel rather annoyed at someone using our wedding as a self promotion opportunity

Well, again, you wouldn't invite La Hurley if you didn't want that. She's a shameless pap addict, or was in those days.

I'm still not getting the concept of outshining a bride. Guests wearing revealing or odd clothes, sure thats a thing, but its not outshining is it? IT's just them being weirdos.

CoolCarrie · 02/03/2017 17:10

I think it was the knicker flashing that Liz Hurley was doing that is tacky at a wedding imho, even although it looked like an evening reception.

EveningShadows · 02/03/2017 17:10

But Vestal, I genuinely don't think it is competing for male attention in this case because the men don't even notice! I've never once attended a wedding where I heard a man comment on any of the outfits, not once!

I fully recognise the existence of the patriarchy, misogyny etc but I do sometimes feel that MN are prepared to blame men for literally everything - not only is it bollocks but it's so disempowering for women.

Women need to stop making such a fucking song and dance about their bloody weddings. There's a thread running on here at the moment about a bride who visited her cousin's house to check what she was wearing to the wedding. WTAF?!?!?

It's our problem we need to sort it!

DryIce · 02/03/2017 17:10

I completely agree OP, and with an added dash of feeling that weddings are getting out of control with how much intense and celebrity-like focus is required by brides!

I don't even think that Raquel Welch pic is that bad, she looks lovely.

I had a very small registry wedding, so I suppose this wasn't an issue to me. But I would hope guests I invited to my wedding knew I was the bride and were happy to see me happy, regardless of how many beautiful friends and family I have (and there are many!)

Hellothereitsme · 02/03/2017 17:13

It's only women that have this problem. We are the worst critics.

Don't we all attend weddings looking our best???? It isn't about trying to out shine the bride etc but about not letting the bride and groom down? So we polish our shoes and buy new dresses. It would never cross my mind that because I might be hypothetically slimmer than the bride I might upstage her so to keep bride happy I had better wear a sack. No way I'm afraid. I wear what I feel good in. End of.

specialsubject · 02/03/2017 17:15

Many women are better looking than me. I don't give a stuff - why would I?

It is often all too easy to be better dressed than the bride ( ref Pippa Middleton ) but again, so what? If the groom decides to rush off with someone in a better frock, he would be no loss anyway.

Meluzyna · 02/03/2017 17:18

This is what I understand by upstage: drawing all eyes, but not necessarily in a good way.

To think "outshining the bride" is just misogynistic bollocks?
TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 02/03/2017 17:22

I'd be delighted if someone came to my wedding like that, it would be a hilarious talking point! But I'd think the same with MIL's in black or sisters in wedding dresses etc....weddings are often pretty boring,

limitedperiodonly · 02/03/2017 17:25

Liz Hurley has great tits but terrible legs. I don't know what she was thinking of in her split skirts. But when when captioning pix like that you have to go for overall description rather than a critique of individual body parts.

Frillyhorseyknickers · 02/03/2017 17:30

But I'd think the same with MIL's in black

Oh I find the funny side of absolutely anything and I would never bring it up in RL, but deep down it really hurt. Why? Why wear black to your only son's wedding? Why cause speculation on why you would wear black? Don't you like me, you've always been so nice to me, why, of all the colours, on our wedding day would you dress like you were at a funeral.

Fuck, it really hurt me, on the inside.

StickyMouse · 02/03/2017 17:32

One of our close friends wore the actual outfit that she wore to get married in to our wedding, in one of the photos she look like a second bride, I will never understand her thinking.

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 02/03/2017 17:32

Sorry for being flippant if it was upsetting.

Backingvocals · 02/03/2017 17:35

Liz Hurley has terrible legs?

wettunwindee · 02/03/2017 17:35

but I'm fairly new to feminism

You're late. It's finished and those clinging on to it use phrases like,

society says women are more valuable when they are beautiful.

Society also says men are more valuable when they are beautiful. There are other adjectives which give men 'value' like 'muscular, tall, dark' and for women 'captivating, petite, alluring'.

Modern day (3rd wave) feminism uses misogyny to mean men (synonymous with the patriarchy) to describe any action by any man that any woman has an issue with. Internalised misogyny is when a woman does something a radical (they're the only ones left) feminist dislikes but rather than blaming the woman, they say it is men's fault and the poor woman is a product of her environment. HTH.

Would you have used 'misandry' if the groom had been unhappy with a male guest turning up in a dinner jacket or morning suit? We both know you wouldn't have.

sodabreadjam · 02/03/2017 17:35

I went to a wedding last summer where one of the guests (not a bridesmaid) wore a pale ivory/apricot dress that was short at the front but so long at the back that it touched the floor - a train, in fact. She had her hair in an elaborate up-do full of pearls, feathers and ornaments. She was tall but also wore high platforms so she towered over everyone, including her tiny partner.

After the wedding she put up a Facebook post on the bride's page - " a few pictures of your wedding." They were all of her!

I wonder where she found that dress - upstagethebride.com?

Backingvocals · 02/03/2017 17:36

re MIL in black with a red hat, could she not have thought it was formal and classy with a hint of glam (hence the hat)?

I get that black says funeral but it also says LBD and posh and cocktail party etc.

Backingvocals · 02/03/2017 17:40

Society also says men are more valuable when they are beautiful

aha ha ha ha ha. Yes, that's why Donald Trump is president.

This could not be more wrong. People like to see beauty so obviously a handsome man is a handsome man. There are adjectives for this which you have listed. But that is not the same as society valuing beauty in men above other attributes which is what we are talking about here.

Women are first and foremost judged on their looks. For men it's not a consideration.

kissingJustForPractice · 02/03/2017 17:47

Isn't it more capitalism/consumerism that's made us like this? Everyone has to be made to feel that they're not good enough as they are/compared to other people so that we spend more money trying to make ourselves "better"? Women were easier targets, but I think it's happening to men too more and more.

My bugbear about weddings - why is it all about the bride? Surely on this occasion more than any other it should be about the couple?

Sciurus83 · 02/03/2017 17:47

This reminds me of a very off thing one of the ladies at the venue said to me whole we were all getting ready. "It's really nice you are so pretty that you can let your bridesmaids wear these nice dresses and look beautiful and not have to worry". Errr....thanks Hmm Shoulda put those tramps in bin bags and spun around shouting "LOOK AT MEEEEE" all day, didn't get the memo obviously

coxsorangepippin · 02/03/2017 17:50

Outshine the bride? Simply not possible, as however much someone tried they couldn't be happier (hopefully!) or more the centre of proceedings.

Upstage the bride? Sometimes people try, and I agree it's often about internalised sexism. I loved the glad rags people wore to my wedding, it felt like a joyful way of honouring us. But I admit I was glad one family member eventually decided against an outfit that would have been much more formal than mine - and that in turn was my own internalised sexism at work, worrying about it!

wettunwindee · 02/03/2017 17:50

Backingvocals

Yep, and why May and Thatcher have run our country? Obama is the only attractive politician I'm aware of, perhaps ever. What's your point?

For men it's not a consideration

I think it is. Perhaps broadness of shoulders, definition of jawline, lack of thinning of hair or circumference of thighs counts for more in men's opinion of themselves but they are equally considered in terms of aesthetics. Consider the Oscars recently: yes, there are a few Steve Buscemis or Leslie Jones, but most are beautiful people. I suspect that comes before acting ability.

Batteriesallgone · 02/03/2017 18:03

DH didn't get matching suits for the bridal party men at our wedding. Just requested suits of a certain colour, and said we'd pay the hire fee of whatever they chose if they didn't have one / want to buy one. Only FIL bought a new one and he didn't mind because it was a normal suit so could be used for other things too. DH bought quite an expensive suit and looked fit as fuck on the day, not least because his suit was

BIL, on the other hand, hired all matching suits for his (very large) bridal (groomal?) party. And to be honest...a fair few of them wore it much better than he did. I felt a little sorry for him tbh.

Batteriesallgone · 02/03/2017 18:04

Ahh posted too soon. Not least because his suit was expensive and fitted.

And my point was that it happens to blokes too!

user1487175389 · 02/03/2017 18:12

Yanbu. If you're marrying the right person, it's impossible to be outshone. And you're right - the whole concept of being outshone is misogynistic bollocks. It's the same mentality that has us trying to work out who 'won' and 'lost' on the red carpet. Human beings are unique individuals - it's enough to turn up and have a blast. You don't have to 'win' because 'winning' isn't possible.