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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask for your suggestions to getting car share passenger to change?

60 replies

winobaglady · 01/03/2017 13:28

I drive, she doesn't. We have small car share pool, I know one of the other drivers gets annoyed by this behaviour but they are more hard line.

Car share partner (let's call her Lisa) is always late when collecting in the morning. If told she will be collected at 0710, she comes out of her house at 0713/0714. Ok, only a couple of minutes, but we then go on to collect others, meaning they are waiting for collection. Also, it's the time of day when even 5 or 10 minutes delay at the start of the 30 minute journey might mean getting caught in traffic at the other end for up to 20 additional mins.

Other driver has once waited 2 mins, then gone to pick up others then returned to collect Lisa. Doesn't seem to have changed behaviour.

Also, there's no point collecting others first, as they live en route, so doing that would entail doubling back.

I'd just like her to manage to get out on time in the morning. I've said gentle things like "Oh I was about to phone to check you were coming", but she usually says things like "my bra fastening got stuck in my hair" and "I couldn't fine the shoes I wanted".
She does contribute to petrol

Apologies, long post.

OP posts:
IamFriedSpam · 01/03/2017 13:29

I think the best thing to do is just be polite but honest. Tell her that it causes problems if she's late as other people are always on time outside waiting so she needs to come out a few minutes early each morning or you'll assume she's not coming.

SansComic · 01/03/2017 13:30

Tell her directly? One on one as opposed to ganging up on her.

SnowBallsAreHere · 01/03/2017 13:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KingLooieCatz · 01/03/2017 13:31

Give her fair warning that if she's not ready in time, she's making her own way. And do it.

TheOnlyLivingBoyinNewCork · 01/03/2017 13:32

Other driver has once waited 2 mins, then gone to pick up others then returned to collect Lisa. Doesn't seem to have changed behaviour

I'd wait 2 minutes, then go to pick up others and NOT come back for Lisa. A couple of days of that and it might change her behaviour.
If she's the only non driver then she's already taking the piss. Stop letting her.

Original poster
winobaglady · 01/03/2017 13:33

That's pretty much what I've resigned myself to, but really- she's a freaking adult.
Guess I'm just pissed at having to even have the conversation.

OP posts:
Pineappletastic · 01/03/2017 13:35

Just tell her, politely, that if she's causing problems and she's on time or can make her own way.

FlouncingInAWinterWonderland · 01/03/2017 13:36

I'd send a preworded text each pick up day, as part of my routine, to say on way - please be curbside. I'll be leaving after 2 mins. Then drive on after 2 mins.

troodiedoo · 01/03/2017 13:36

Years ago I used to get lifts of people for agency work. I was a bit tardy then I'm afraid. Whoever was picking me up always said if I wasn't there waiting at alloted time then they would go without me. It worked I was always on time for those people and I didn't think it unreasonable of them

I think mobile phones have made slackers more slack.

BeardofZeus · 01/03/2017 13:36

Agree wirh pp. you say "Lisa, your pick up time is 0710 which means you need to be on the kerb waiting for 0710. If you aren't there, we will continue on our journey. Best way to avoid this, just be there for 0705" However maybe have a group car share chat to pledge to be ready 5 mins before PU time with all agreeing to consequence of missing car share and being responsible for making own way to work after. Then maybe.. if you're feeling particularly cutthroat, add the rule that 3 missed PUs means forever struck from the route??

WrongTrouser · 01/03/2017 13:38

I would say that the lift is for 7.10 and if she isn't waiting you will not wait.

Then it's up to her. If she wants the lift, she's ready. If not, she has to sort out another way of getting to work.

Pineappletastic · 01/03/2017 13:38

I car shared in my much younger days and I used to honk the horn, at 7am. My 'Lisa' asked me not to as her housemate complained, I told her to be on time to prevent honking. IWBU but it worked!

KindergartenKop · 01/03/2017 13:48

Her bra fastener got stuck in her hair! That's great!

I'd either tell her off or 'change' the times so you tell her she'll be picked up 5mins earlier than you actually do.

harderandharder2breathe · 01/03/2017 13:51

I would make it clear that from now on she needs to be waiting outside at 7.10 or you won't stop.

Of course she's not changing her behaviour because there's no consequence to it

Gearsforfears · 01/03/2017 13:56

If her bra is getting stuck in her hair, and getting shoes that match is tricky for her, she has shit going down!Grin

HerOtherHalf · 01/03/2017 13:56

As others have said, just tell her straight and make it clear if she's not there at the agreed time she's getting left. She'll soon find ways to get her ass out the door in time when she realises the alternative is much less convenient.

BattleaxeGalactica · 01/03/2017 13:57

Just tell her she needs to be ready and waiting and if she's not you will go.

Really, how hard can it be? Confused

rollonthesummer · 01/03/2017 13:59

I would just drive myself there and back again-I couldn't bear to drive someone that selfish!

PovertyJetset · 01/03/2017 14:03

If she is not on the side waiting you won't wait.

Be clear and firm. Don't apologise and don't explain just give her a statement.

AnthonyPandy · 01/03/2017 14:03

Yy to her waiting outside and if she's not there then go. She would have to wait outside for a bus.

KitKat1985 · 01/03/2017 14:09

I'd tell her as you've been hitting traffic etc recently you will now pick her up at 07.05 and that you will no longer be able to wait for her. In reality I'd give her a few bonus minutes but if she's still not out by 07.10 then go without her.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 01/03/2017 14:15

If you have to text her say something like this:
"Hi Lisa, I'll be collecting you at 07:10 tomorrow. Please make sure that you are waiting for me outside your house/flat/apartment at 07:10 sharp. If I do not see you outside I will be carrying on to collect Peter, Jane and Mary and will not be returning to collect you. You will have to make your own way to work if you are not waiting for me at this time."

If she kicks off perhaps have a group chat saying "It is not only inconsiderate to me but also to Peter, Jane and Mary who are impacted by the delay that develops as a result."

I like the suggestion of the three strikes and you're out, but you would need to get a majority vote with the other car sharers to bring that in.

blackcherries · 01/03/2017 14:17

Non-drivers sometimes don't realise that literally 2 minutes' wait can cause 20 mins delays down the line. It's certainly like that where I live and work.
Do what others have suggested and sync watches, then if she's not out waiting you'll go on without her.

ChicRock · 01/03/2017 14:18

If she's not waiting on the curb, drive on and don't go back to pick her up. She'll soon get the message. It really is that simple.

EmGee · 01/03/2017 14:18

You need to have this conversation with her as she is not going to miraculously change of her own volition. Nor suddenly become more punctual. I can sympathise. I have a friend who is lovely but always late. She is also incredibly disorganised which doesn't help. Also some people just don't factor in those extra minutes wasted by looking for handbag, forgetting to close fridge door or whatever. So they look at the clock and think 'It's only 7am - plenty of time' and continue sipping their tea when in reality they should be all ready to go and just need to lock the front door!