to think my niece is being neglected?

[Carlalala101]

I live very close to my sister and my ten year old niece; I look after her before and after school while my sister works and occasionally during the evenings or weekends if my sister goes out so DN and I are very close. My sister has been a single parent since DN was one and her ex sees DN on alternate weekends and for half of the holidays.

When she is with her dad, he (or someone he knows) collects her from school. She says he's often on his phone and continues this via Bluetooth during the 45 minute journey home. He then gets home and falls asleep as he's tired from his week at work. She then has unlimited access to his phone, ipad, tv and food cupboards. She's watched things which have given her nightmares for weeks before and even if he isn't asleep, he let's/encourages her to watch them. Her dad is morbidly obese and goes through cycles of gorging then surviving on smoothies. DN is naturally very greedy and doesn't know when to stop when it comes to food. He will buy her a large adult meal with milkshake plus an extra burger and ice cream at mcdonalds. When they went to Pizza Hut last week she said she had nine slices plus chips and ice cream. She giggles about eating ten biscuits or half a tube of pringles without him even noticing. She would never think to take food without permission at home or mine so I can only think he does know but doesn't stop her.

She is a soap dodger and hates brushing her teeth. My sister brushes them for her because otherwise she'll just pretend to do it and ended up with fillings last year. My sister chats with her while she showers to make sure she's washing, otherwise she just let's the water run for a bit then gets out. My DN doesn't care about being supervised and my DSIS figures when she does care she'll also care about washing properly. When she's at her dad's, he doesn't check on her tooth brushing or showering despite my sister having mentioned several times to him that DN is coming home smelly and sore. I picked her up from school on Monday and I could smell her breath and sweat immediately. She's on the cusp of puberty and does need to shower daily now. My sister has spoken to her about hygiene but DN doesn't care if she smells but then gets upset when she starts becoming sore down below.

DN says she goes to bed at the same time as her dad (I. E. late) waits for him to start snoring and then goes to get the ipad and snacks for herself. She is always extremely ratty on a Monday from lack of sleep. After she's finished on the ipad she gets into bed with him and he doesn't send her back to her room, despite DSIS having told him that it results in DN being extremely upset at home when DSIS won't let her share her bed.

My DSIS is exasperated with it all but thinks it's all just minor stuff that a court wouldn't be interested in so there's nothing she can do. I think DN is being neglected while with her dad and that my DSIS shouldn't keep letting it continue. DN is too immature to take responsibility for herself so I think DSIS should make sure things change. What do you think?

[twattymctwatterson]

This is an odd thread...

[steff13]

Her mother is clearly not concerned about the soreness or she'd have already taken her to the doctor.

[WorraLiberty]

glitter, the OP says "After she's finished on the ipad she gets into bed with him and he doesn't send her back to her room, despite DSIS having told him that it results in DN being extremely upset at home when DSIS won't let her share her bed."

But really, if she's used to sharing her Dad's bed, I can understand why he wouldn't want to say, "No you can't share it tonight because my GF is staying over".

Perhaps he's worried about making her feel 'second best'?

[WorraLiberty]

And yes, a trip to the GP to sort out the soreness is a no brainer.

When I was a kid, I was red raw down below and it turned out I was allergic to nylon knickers.

It took a while (process of elimination) for my Mum to work out what was causing it.

[bumsexatthebingo]

I think both parents should be working on getting dn a bit more independent. I don't think the dad can win in terms of showering. He leaves her to it he's criticised. If he supervised no doubt it would be spun as being sinister. And I think if you're not wiping/washing properly sensitive areas would be, at least, a bit itchy and uncomfortable after a few days.

[ChanandlerBongsNeighbour]

I think it IS neglectful, particularly if she is getting sore from lack of hygiene! If it were me in your sisters shoes I would be VERY unhappy about this situation and would be having some serious discussions about the continuation of her overnight visits.

[zen1]

You said that her DF isn't concerned about walking in on her when she's in the shower, yet just above that, you say her last shower is on Wednesday night before she goes to her dads. So she does shower at her dads?

[steff13]

When I was a kid, I was red raw down below and it turned out I was allergic to nylon knickers.

I am allergic to any kind of soap in that area. I have to wash with plain water only, no bubble baths, etc.

If it's neglect, isn't the mother equally neglectful for not taking her to the doctor?

[PyongyangKipperbang]

I dont understand how she isnt showering but complaining of him walking in on her when she is in the shower.

[unfortunateevents]

Another one struggling with the soreness after not showering for 5 days. I can understand her being quite whiffy by then, particularly in hot weather or if she has been doing a lot of activities but she shouldn't be consistently sore. Anyway, if your sister really believes that the soreness is due to not washing then she will just have to give your DN a shower either on the Thurs evening after the class or Friday morning before school. I am not really buying the whole sleeping as late as possible on Friday because the shower could be achieved in 10 mins and your DS obviously thinks that your DN needs it.

[highinthesky]

She's 10 - wait until her friends start taking an interest in boys and she'll change her habits fast.

[PovertyPain]

Very peculiar thread. 🤔

[TheWorldAccordingToToads]

Your sister needs to get your niece to the doctor to get that soreness checked out. That is not normal.

I'll be completely honest here and say that the first thing that came to mind when you mentioned the issues with her father and the soreness down there was sexual abuse. I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought the same.

[haveacupoftea]

The soreness down below, lack of boundaries, overeating and neglect of personal hygiene are ringing massive alarms bells for me. Something is not right here and I am not convinced that the child is not suffering some kind of abuse or trauma somewhere in her life (not necessarily at her dads)

[mathanxiety]

She should be taken to a GP, preferably before washing and after she returns from a visit to her dad's.

It sounds as if she could do with counselling too. She is not a happy child at all. Go private if you can afford it, otherwise you will be waiting months for an appointment. Please make this a priority.

YYY to Haveacupoftea's post^^

[DoJo]

I think the thing about her father walking in while she showers was a reference to the fact that left to her own devices she didn't actually wash as per the OP's post: My sister chats with her while she showers to make sure she's washing, otherwise she just let's the water run for a bit then gets out.

[mathanxiety]

I think the fact he walks in to take a dump while she is in the shower refers to a worrying lack of respect for his own privacy or hers.

[kali110]

At the start i was thinking bit bad parenting but not neglect.
The bed sharing may be innocent, it doe not have to be anything bad,
( i remember fondly jumping into bed with my dad to watch films), could even say he kicked the gf out incase the ex was not happy about her being in the bed with the dd, but why would she be sore?
That does not happen with a weekend of not washing, even 5 days ( ex festival goer )
If it's only happening when she is there that would ring alarm bells.
Kids can twist things to their advantage.
At 10 she should know to wash and brush her teeth, should know not to get out of bed and play on the ipad when her dad is asleep ( he's asleep so not really his fault there), nor get snacks.
I would get your sister to take her to the gp to find out what is going on.

[Beautifullymixed]

.

[bigbuttons]

I don't see this as neglect, no.

[Carlalala101]

The soreness is only after visits to him. There's nothing sinister going on elsewhere as DN doesn't go anywhere else alone besides school. The bed sharing only started a year or so ago and the GF had been around before that so it isn't as if it's a continuation of an old habit.

[Mumof4rascals]

The fact she is only sore after returning from her dad's is very worrying. I also wonder if any sexual abuse is occurring. I hope not.

[Batgrrrl]

I wouldn't call it neglect from what you've said but it's definitely not great parenting.