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AIBU?

Surname after marriage

201 replies

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 26/02/2017 20:41

I'm getting married in August. I used to be in the police where it was common for women to take their husband's name (if they wanted to of course) and use that for their personal life but maintain their "maiden" name for work purposes.

This created a split between work and personal life to protect their family privacy.

I'm no longer in the police and was toying with the idea of still doing this, but there's no real "need".

WIBU to ask whether you kept your name, adopted your partners name, selected a new surname together or now use different names for parts of your life?

OP posts:

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NameChange30 · 27/02/2017 15:15

Oh and FWIW, on my birth certificate I was Emma Dadsname Mumsname (no hyphen) but then later my mum married my stepdad and changed it to Emma Dadsname Stepdadsname. Now they are divorced. So for me it was a no brainer that I would drop stepdad's name. If Mum hadn't changed our names in the first place and I was still Emma Dadsname Mumsname I would have kept my whole name after getting married. I only changed it to Emma Dadsname DHname because I decided I prefer sharing a name with my husband to sharing one with my ex-stepdad!

It would have been difficult to choose between my dad's name and my mum's name, so I would have kept both. It would have made the decision about which to pass on to my children quite difficult, but in the end I would probably have picked the name that worked best with DH's.

It would be nice if there was a tradition of passing women's names along the female line i.e. giving children their paternal grandfather's surname plus their maternal grandmother's surname.

IndigoSister · 27/02/2017 15:21

I've still got my name as I like my name! Both kids also have my surname (born before we were married)

NataliaOsipova · 27/02/2017 16:00

It would be nice if there was a tradition of passing women's names along the female line i.e. giving children their paternal grandfather's surname plus their maternal grandmother's surname.

Sounds very confusing to me! Plus - would male siblings then have a different surname from their sisters?

Bambambini · 27/02/2017 16:06

I took my husbands - eventually. Was nearly 20 yrs sgo though and both came from a traditional community where everyone did. I did think about and discuss it though as i had a problem with the custom and expectation. I did it in stages to try it out - didn't change passport, bank accounts etc till i had to and decided i was happy with my new name. Totally support women keeping their own names though and would possibly keep my own name if marrying now - though prefer my new name to old one.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 27/02/2017 16:34

I kept my surname. Laziness mainly

SayNoToCarrots · 27/02/2017 16:39

thecraicdealer DP's mum refused to change her name (fair play, especially 30+ years ago) so he and his DB are double barrelled. We're engaged and I've decided I'm keeping my much nicer, lovely, rare-but-recognisable last name. Cue heated rows about potential DC's names hmm the sensible option given here is dropping one of the double barrelled names and adding in mine, but apparently he "can't choose as they're both his name".

sounds to me like your DP is just trying to manipulate you into giving your child just his name and leaving you out of it. Mention it to his mum - if she gave her name to her son she should understand why you want to do the same.

WhatIsWrongWithMePlease · 27/02/2017 16:57

I didn't change my name. Kids are double barrelled. I feel sorry for them as my name is long and unusual and DHs name is long so they have quite an odd surname but there's no way I was having a different surname to my kids so double barrel was a compromise.

DH hates the fact that we all have different names and wants us all to change to his. It's a very sore subject in my house as it annoys me that he expects us to change our names to his but wouldn't even consider changing his name to mine!

My friend married the man she had been with since a teenager and took his name, had a baby which also had dad's name. Months later she found out he was cheating on her and are now going through divorce. She says she can't stand to ahve ex's name but doesn't want to ahve a different name to her daughter. I'm sure this happens to loads of women.

Slightly off topic but Another person I know had 3 kids with different dad's. She didn't marry any of these men and is now single. Her and her three kids all have different surnames which she hates.

No one expects to divorce or break up with their partner, but please please ask yourself how you would feel having your ex's surname if you did split. I know I'd hate it.

NameChange30 · 27/02/2017 17:33

natalia
"Sounds very confusing to me! Plus - would male siblings then have a different surname from their sisters?"
No. All children would have the same two surnames. Maternal grandmother plus paternal grandfather.

IT'S NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.

20nil · 27/02/2017 18:22

It's really not confusing; or no more confusing for a daughter than for a son.

fakenamefornow · 27/02/2017 18:29

Another thing I think sometimes is if the custom of women taking their partners name on marriage didn't exist can you imagine what you'd think if your husband to be said 'I know, when we get married you can drop your name and will from then on be know by my name instead'. I have to admit I do snigger a little when dads give their sons not only their last name but their first name as well. It just looks so egotistical and you almost never find women naming their daughter after themselves.

SallyGinnamon · 27/02/2017 18:35

I'm wondering if all this double barrelling isn't a MN thing.

With years working in a school and various customer-facing roles I've only come across one double barrel in RL. And they were very old and very posh society wedding types.

NameChange30 · 27/02/2017 18:40

News flash: people who post on MN also exist in real life

WarblingWail · 27/02/2017 18:53

I kept my own name. It's a perfectly good one and I felt no need to change it. Dc has both names.

NataliaOsipova · 27/02/2017 19:11

Emma - sorry - reread and I had misunderstood the "female line" reference. (I had a colleague whose sons had a different surname to his daughters, which seemed very strange to me, but hey ho!).

....still like being Mrs DH though!

misskatamari · 27/02/2017 19:13

My husband took mine when we married

SallyGinnamon · 27/02/2017 19:55

I know they exist . But maybe on a parallel universe.

I don't know anyone who uses Zoflora or a mooncup either. (Mmm. Maybe that would be tmi). Nor anyone who married in Maui.

Maybe I'm the one in the parallel universe!

NameChange30 · 27/02/2017 19:55

Maybe one day we should meet up in real life and i can blow your mind with my surnames and my Mooncup

I didn't get married in Maui though!!

SallyGinnamon · 27/02/2017 20:00

It's a date. I'll bring the Zoflora!

NameChange30 · 27/02/2017 20:05

RaspberryOverloadTheFirst · 27/02/2017 20:08

Bordersarethebest I have a double-barrelled name. Had it since birth and not posh either

I also have a mooncup, but no Zoflora

Bananamama1213 · 27/02/2017 20:17

I took husbands name. Our children had his name when they were born and I didn't like not sharing a surname.

I considered using double barrel, but Matthews-Wigg wasn't really an option 😅 I couldn't do that to myself!

I feel bad that my Dads name hasn't been passed down (he died when I was little) but his name is our sons middle name.

dinosaurkisses · 27/02/2017 20:33

I doubled barrelled after I married DH in the summer- I'm the first person to say it's a ridiculous name- my short Welsh maiden name added to the feminine version of his very Irish surname meant I'm called something very similar to Rhys-Uí Shuilleabháin

It's a nightmare, but my maiden name is incredibly important to me- it's pretty rare here and my sister and I are the only people of childbearing age left to carry on the name of my awesome grandad.

Its much more common here (Dublin) for women to keep their own names- when I made the request to change my name in work there were a few faces from the married women in my team- most of them didn't even consider changing theirs at all.

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Sn0tnose · 27/02/2017 20:34

I've kept my surname. Partly because I prefer mine but mostly because I don't really understand why getting married means one of us has to change their name.

Strangely, I don't know a single woman, professionally or personally, who has kept their own name after marriage. My friends seem to have assumed that I just haven't got round to it yet, and all have looked a little uncomfortable when I tell them I've no intention of changing it.

weasle · 27/02/2017 20:38

I kept mine.

I don't really like my dad. My name is difficult to spell and DH's name is cooler. But I still kept my name.

DC have DH's name. If we had double barrelled, which ideally we would have done, it would be 21 letters and I couldn't inflict that on them.

Never had issues with immigration etc. Have travelled lots on my own with the DC.

lurkingnonparent · 27/02/2017 21:43

Rubbish non - posh original double-barrelled surname here which I kept, because it's mine and also because DH's surname and my first name sound and look awful together.

The only people who address things to me as 'Mrs H' are his parents and his brother, despite being told Many Times. Very boring.

I only have one friend who didn't keep her birth surname and that was because she had a famous parent so was glad to disassociate!

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