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AIBU?

Surname after marriage

201 replies

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 26/02/2017 20:41

I'm getting married in August. I used to be in the police where it was common for women to take their husband's name (if they wanted to of course) and use that for their personal life but maintain their "maiden" name for work purposes.

This created a split between work and personal life to protect their family privacy.

I'm no longer in the police and was toying with the idea of still doing this, but there's no real "need".

WIBU to ask whether you kept your name, adopted your partners name, selected a new surname together or now use different names for parts of your life?

OP posts:

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Ilovewillow · 27/02/2017 07:57

I kept my maiden name for both personal and professional use. Never had an issue apart from with my MIL who is convinced I e changed my surname despite being informed to the contrary.

SoupDragon · 27/02/2017 07:59

I changed my surname when I married. My original one didn't go with my first name. I've not changed back now I'm divorced - I didn't borrow the name, it's mine.

SpagettiNetty · 27/02/2017 08:16

I got married just to change my name! Never felt the need for marriage before DS was born. Gave my son DHs surname - never occurred to me to give him mine.

My father left when I was 5, and I've had no contact for over 35 years, why would I want my child to have his name and not the name of the father who would actually raise him.

After DS was born I realised how much I hated having a different name to him, and after growing up with a different name to DM and hating it I wanted us to all have the same name.

I've never regretted changing my name. DH and I have been together 25 years, I feel much more connected to him than to my father and his family (who also have no contact with us since my parents divorce).

If DH and I ever split up though, I will keep my name, I see it as my name now, and it's the name of the family we've created together, plus I've used it professionally and it's much more recognisable than my maiden name.

Itismatt · 27/02/2017 08:31

This never surprises. You will get:

I hated my surname
I hated the connection I had to my father/childhood/etc
I am not affected by patriarchy, it is my choice

Strange many women hate their surnames. I wonder how many men hate theirs(Fewer women on here's husbands have taken their surnames than women taking men's).

NameChange30 · 27/02/2017 08:38

Yup. And I do think that as more women give their own surname to their children, there will hopefully be fewer daughters willing to give up that surname - because it originates from their mother and not an absent father or a stepfather.

LlandudnoLlandudno · 27/02/2017 08:40

I originally took DH's name on a trial basis of six months to see if I could get used to it (but retained my birth name at work). I kept bursting into tears when someone used my married name and wanted to spend all my time at work where I was birth name so six months in DH and I both hyphenated so we are Mr and Mrs Myname-Hisname. DS is the same and has been since birth although he still had a card addressed to Master DHName which made me rage, it has never been his name!

MrsPringles · 27/02/2017 08:43

I got married 2 months ago tomorrow and have taken my husbands name.

I'm definitely not used to it. They were calling me in the doctors obviously by my new married name and I just sat there and ignored them. It didn't register that it was me

SoupDragon · 27/02/2017 09:22

Strange many women hate their surnames.

Are you calling them liars then? Perhaps if you'd had many many years of being teased for your name you would have changed it.

I get really pissed off with people like you belittling the choices of others and doubting their reasons. It's pathetic.

Leggit · 27/02/2017 09:36

This hyphenated surname thing is interesting. What happens when your children have children with somebody who is also double barrelled? Will the DC become Miss/Master xxx-xxx-xxx-xxx

twinmamma2b · 27/02/2017 09:37

I'm keeping my name when we marry. DS has DP's name and I have no issue with them having a different name. We did this as DP's is easier to spell and more unusual. I can't get my head past the chattels thing so won't change mine.

NameChange30 · 27/02/2017 09:43

Leggit
No the children can just have one surname from each parent as I've said before and will no doubt have to say again.
It's a simple, neat solution. No idea why it boggles people's minds so much.

WhingingTulip · 27/02/2017 10:00

SoupDragon I concede that it's a very fair point you make. He doesn't have to. But he has also expressed that ideally he would like me to change mine to add his. I guess I was trying to make the point to him that the changing of names shouldn't simply be a consideration for the bride and that we perhaps could have discussed it on equal terms - we're meant to be a partnership after all.

I guess it's a bit of a non issue really and I should
stop overthinking it.

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 27/02/2017 10:00

AnotherEmma my impression of that is that it can and will cause massive family drama over people being offended by the child's choice later in life.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 27/02/2017 10:07

No family drama for me, or my brother and his partner, when each of us made the decision.

If you have the kind of family that creates massive dramas, they're going to find some excuse/reason to do so.

Dulra · 27/02/2017 10:08

Kept my name. Kids have his name, can sometimes be confusing but not enough to make me want to take his name. My surname is quite unusual and dying out his is very common so wanted to keep mine alive for a little longer

seagazer · 27/02/2017 10:11

When i got married it was the norm to take husbands name.(maybe it still is, i'm not sure) If i had my time again, and if i'd have had a surname that i liked i would have kept mine. But only for the simple reason i didn't like his family much. But i suppose for the children's sake it's a lot less complicated if both parents have same name.

TheDuchessOfKidderminster · 27/02/2017 10:19

I'm getting married in June and will be changing my name. Largely because my DP's surname is much nicer than mine and because they sound stupid double barrelled (which would be my preferred option otherwise). My surname sounds stupid double barrelled with any name, even something totally innocuous like Smith or Clarke. My children are both known by my DP's surname. If I'd been bothered I'd have given them my surname as a second middle name but didn't (because it's such a silly name!).

My family aren't at all bothered by this. My dad has quite old fashioned views about surnames so is fully expecting me to change my name.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 27/02/2017 10:20

Changed my name to my husband's. DS has my name as he was born before we married, and my dad advised me to give him my name in case things didn't work out. We could have changed it when we married but decided not to as he is likely to be the only descendent to carry on the family name. He can choose when he's 18 if he wants to change it, but at the moment he is planning to keep it.

IamNotDarling · 27/02/2017 10:31

Kept my name. Don't regret it for a minute. DD has DH's name but mine as a middle name.

RonaldMcDonald · 27/02/2017 10:33

I kept my name, it is/was my name

haveatunnocks · 27/02/2017 10:41

I kept my maiden name for work and changed to DH surname for everything else. I'm also know by two first names and TBH I got in a muddle.
When I changed jobs I took DHs surname fully.

pigeondujour · 27/02/2017 11:39

How does it work when you change your name personally but not professionally? Do you get your salary paid into a bank account with your married name but just sign emails with your maiden name? What about if you have to use your ID for something work related? It would be my ideal situation but I can see it causing tons of issues!

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Bansteadmum · 27/02/2017 11:42

I changed my surname under pressure from DH but even though am still married really regret changing it.

F1GI · 27/02/2017 11:47

I think it's irritating (practically) to have two names in use for personal/professional so I did not. I took dh's name for various other reasons, I actively wanted to get rid of my old surname as it was not the surname I had at birth. Changing to my dhs name neatly sorted this and erased the issue of having had a surname change as a child.

Re your issue of anonymity in the police, it's presumably ok if you gave a common surname like Green or Smith etc as you won't be identifiable on a general google. Unless your first name is unique or you have some super presence on social media. I know someone whose first name is so unique that if you google that on its own, she comes up! In fact I know a guy with the same issue with his first name. People on here are always deriding common names, but in the 21st century of tech stalking they are pretty desirable IMO!

alwaysprepare · 27/02/2017 11:51

I took my H last name. So do the kids.

My friend kept her and H surname with no hyphen. So did her H.

Seems rather long to me

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