Surname after marriage

[VivienneWestwoodsKnickers]

I'm getting married in August. I used to be in the police where it was common for women to take their husband's name (if they wanted to of course) and use that for their personal life but maintain their "maiden" name for work purposes.

This created a split between work and personal life to protect their family privacy.

I'm no longer in the police and was toying with the idea of still doing this, but there's no real "need".

WIBU to ask whether you kept your name, adopted your partners name, selected a new surname together or now use different names for parts of your life?

[TheFallenMadonna]

In Spain, which one is passed on to their children? Is there a convention?

[thecapitalsunited]

I always said I didn't want to change my name but ended up changing it. My maiden name was one of the more common surnames while my husband's surname is uncommon. I work in an industry where being easily searchable online is an advantage and we married early enough in my career for it not to be a problem changing my surname. It's meant that I've gone from one of thousands of people on LinkedIn with the same name to one of about three. I did make sure to have my maiden name included in my passport as an AKA so I still have ID in that name. Sometimes I feel sad about ditching my name (and my principles!) but it made sense in my situation to change.

My husband said he didn't mind either way. Perhaps if he had minded I would have dug my heels in or even reconsidered the relationship (because he wouldn't have been the man I thought he was).

[MsAnnThropic]

I kept mine. Kids have both... Though friends and family refer to us as a mash up of our 2 surnames!

[EllieMentry]

Neither of us changed our names. All DC have my surname as a surname and his surname as a middle name.

[Nelllo]

I use both names. Maiden name professionally and on my passport and drivers license (because I can't be arsed changing them over), OH's name on FB and at school and most other things like GP etc. as its easier when you're there as a family.

[herethereandeverywhere]

I kept my name. Kids have DHs name . Our names just don't work together (think Fitzpatrick Fitzsimmons or similar) or I'd have liked us all to have both.

Although I had/have a career the main reason to keep it was because it's a fundamental part of my identity, I've always been [1st Name Surname] and didn't want marriage to change that, after all, it changed nothing for DH's name.

I casually refer to myself as being part of the '[DH's surname] family' but all official documents and places I write my name I'm still the name I've always had.

I am supposed to carry extra documentation with me if travelling alone with the kids as we have different names. this annoys the crap out of me as child abduction can easily occur by family members with the same name there should be one rule for all if kids are travelling with one parent.

Anyway, 10 years married and 2 kids and it's working absolutely fine for us.

[fakenamefornow]

I remember being on a night out and another women being very scathing about my decision to not take my husband's name. I could have pointed out that she was now on her third last name and had a different last name to her primary school aged children but didn't.

I have said before that if the custom of women taking their husband's name on marriage died out women in the future would be astonished that such a thing ever happened. You get married and then start being known by your husband's name!

[sonlypuppyfat]

I took my husbands name , part of me does feel that all we have are mens names , first our dad's then our husbands. It's a tricky one isn't it, I know I'm not right but that's my feeling

[Pallisers]

He feels there's little point in being married if his name isn't adopted.

I'd say the realities of marriage are going to be a bit of an eye-opener for him if this is his definition of the meaning of marriage. Is he very young?

One name is enough for me - the one I've had all my life. I gave the children dh's surname so will happily answer to Mrs Kidsname if their friends/teachers/doctors use it. Otherwise everyone knows me by my name - officially and unofficially.

[fakenamefornow]

I wonder how many more people are going to say that thsir husband's surname is so much nicer than their maiden name

My husband had a much nicer last name than mine, I still didn't take his name :) He didn't mind. We have two daughters so I think he's probably glad of the example I set them.

We heard a programme on the radio a while ago about men asking their girlfriend's dad for his daughter's hand in marriage. We had a bit of a laugh about it and I asked him what he'd say if one of our daughters partners asked him if they could marry his daughter. He said he'd say 'no' he wouldn't want his daughter to marry any man who thought of her as a chattel to be passed between her father and her husband. Love him :) sorry tangent.

[sphinxster]

family which is very male (no daughters for generations)

But he had a mum and a couple of grannies? They must've been daughters

[MaroonPencil]

Kept my name. Never considered changing it, but I don't get worked up if school etc calls me Mrs DHname (don't feel like that is me though, it's MiL). Kids have DHs name. Never been any problem at all.

Sometimes I say I kept it because I'm a writer and if I changed it I would have a different byline which would be confusing, but actually I would not have changed it whatever job I had.

[Aria2015]

Took my husband's name. I had no attachment to my maiden name as my dad left when I was 5 and I was self conscious of it sometimes as you could tell my heritage from just my name and that lead to some racial comments through work. So I was happy to change names. My dh would have been gutted if I hadn't taken his name too!

[AliceInHinterland]

I kept my name (you know the one I've had all my life) and he kept his dad's name, despite my name, and my dad, being much better. I thought I'd let him though, and not get too upset about it. I'm very modern like that.
Kids have his name but having just given birth to them I didn't care what their name was, I felt such a strong connection. Now I regret doing the traditional thing as it does seem very patriarchal.

[EurusHolmesViolin]

Puppyfat if your name was your dad's, why do you think your DHs name is his rather than his dad's? Just wondering.

[NameChange30]

Alice
Your first paragraph made me smile and the second made me a bit sad!

[GirlElephant]

Traditional & took DH's name then name changed for everything. Knew we wanted a family & wanted us all to have the same name.

No regrets

[Puffinsareblackandwhite]

OK, I need to know now where all you women who didn't change your name are IRL!!! My mum has never changed hers, despite always having to spell her UKname (parents live on the continent). I'm a dual citizen living in the UK and married to a Brit. I've kept my forrin' name (from continent) and hate that it's consistently misspelled. I refuse to give it up though, and am so happy when it is spelled correctly. Have thought about how it would be nice to have an outward symbol of being married but taking DH's name is just so patriarchal, I couldn't live with myself if I did! I do feel people think it's odd and I imagine they judge me a little it's mutual, sorry. I find it quite sad that there is such an assumption that UK women take their husband's name, to the extent that your birthname can be removed from all forms of ID. IME this isn't the case in a lot of other countries. It's just wrong and outdated.

[SallyGinnamon]

Took DH's name. It was earlier in the alphabet.

Plus it's only a name. Not a biggie for me. Same as I'm not fussed if someone gets my Christian name a bit wrong or misspells it.

[NameChange30]

If it's only a name, why bother changing it in the first place?

[kissingJustForPractice]

Couldn't imagine changing my name. Kids have DH's surname. We didn't get married until the eldest was 7, so they were used to having a different surname to me.

[DementedUnicorn]

I'm in a gay marriage. I took my dear wife's name because we wanted to be an 'official' family and my name went well with her surname

[Iwasjustabouttosaythat]

Bit of a weird one here. I don't want to get married however I am about to take DP's surname. Or more to the point, I'm about to take my childrens' surname. I didn't want them to suffer through mine for two reasons:

1. I don't know why but no one seems to be able to spell or pronounce it properly. So much of my life has been spent explaining it to people. It's really not that hard which make it super annoying;
   
   
2. The more important reason...
   Where I live my name is fairly uncommon and is linked to quite a notorious criminal. Not an issue in daily life but when he comes up for parole it's in the news and people start talking. The family background for this name is nothing to be proud of and I wanted to give my children the opportunity to break from that history. I don't like my family or the name so I'm going to make that break too.
   
   Bonus 3) I used to work in immigration. I've seen first hand the problems it can cause having a different surname to your children.
   
   So we will have the same surname but won't be married.

[AliceInHinterland]

AnotherEmma did it? I suppose I don't mind, they are new people with brand new identities, they will make the names their own. I just don't like the idea that they 'belong' more to my husband's family than mine.

[ladyglittersparkle]

I took my husbands name, no regrets xx