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AIBU?

Surname after marriage

201 replies

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers · 26/02/2017 20:41

I'm getting married in August. I used to be in the police where it was common for women to take their husband's name (if they wanted to of course) and use that for their personal life but maintain their "maiden" name for work purposes.

This created a split between work and personal life to protect their family privacy.

I'm no longer in the police and was toying with the idea of still doing this, but there's no real "need".

WIBU to ask whether you kept your name, adopted your partners name, selected a new surname together or now use different names for parts of your life?

OP posts:

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ExplodedCloud · 26/02/2017 23:13

I kept my name. DH kept his. We gave the dc his surname and in return I got more say on their forenames. Worked for me.

FoxyRoxy · 26/02/2017 23:16

Kept my name. Kids have both last names, non hyphenated. My name is mine, and also he didn't want to take my name so why should I take his?!

OwlinaTree · 26/02/2017 23:18

I took my Dh's name. I'd never liked mine, it was always commented on as I was growing up so was quite pleased to get rid of it! He would have been fine about me not changing it though.

Now we have children it is nice to all have the same name. I would definitely not want to have a different name to my children. They would have had whatever my name was.

thebakerwithboobs · 26/02/2017 23:26

Kept my surname for no other reason than I'm too bloody lazy for all the changing of documents and stuff-what a bloody ball ache! Our children all have my husband's surname because I was teaching at the local school when the first couple were born and we thought if they ended up attending it would give them the chance to deny their parentage!

AliceInHinterland · 26/02/2017 23:28

Owlina may I ask why you would not want a different name to your children?

aniceearlynight · 26/02/2017 23:46

Kept my name. Couldn't have changed it. Have never regretted it for a single second. It's different to my kids' names and this has never caused any problems. I do wish that I'd given them my name as a middle name at least.

peppatax · 27/02/2017 00:01

I've got XH surname and kept it on divorce as it's nicer than my maiden name and now DD has it.

When DC2 arrives her surname will be 'XH surname DP surname' (no hyphen) which may sound odd but I have no intention of changing my surname again. If DP and I were to marry then I'd stick his surname on the end and therefore match DC2 but still have the same first surname as DD.

spooniestudent · 27/02/2017 02:03

We're both planning on having hisname-myname, and plan for children to have the same. Its important to me to keep my name and to not be the only one changing it, but want the same name. I'll probably keep mine professionally though

Historygirl97 · 27/02/2017 02:27

I'm not married to my child's father but if we did marry, I'd definitely keep my own last name! I'm very proud of my family and my child carries my name only.
(Partner would happily take mine)

Cuppaqueen · 27/02/2017 02:40

I didn't change my surname on marriage (or title, which is Ms - although that's a whole other thread!!). Changing my surname to his would not have been an option for me no matter what my husband-to-be thought about it. He didn't mind but my MIL was a bit shocked It's never caused me any hassle at all so far, other than politely correcting a few people's mistaken assumptions!

We're expecting our first baby and have agreed to double-barrel myname-hisname (sounds better that way round). If our child later decides that's a bit of a mouthful he can choose to drop one.

Interestingly, my husband has mentioned that perhaps we should now double-barrel too so we have the same names as our son. I don't think it's necessary really but I'd do it if it meant a lot to him (as I would have on marriage if he'd wanted that as a compromise). We've decided to see how it goes for now.

OP, all I'd say to you is, make sure you're happy with your choice. It's a very personal decision and you'll be reminded of it every day. No fiancé has the right to demand it, in my view, or to question the value of marriage without it!!

Dangermouse1 · 27/02/2017 02:51

I couldnt wait to change my name to dh name as I was always teased about it and even when I went to work it would get commented on by clients etc. I love the fact we are a family unit 'the Dangermice'. I love the fact i got to change my name without causing upset to my family, who i am close to. All for everyone doing what works for them but I do feel a bit cross to get constantly referred to as unfemenist on these type of threads for a personal choice which had made my life immeasurably better.

Pixelated · 27/02/2017 02:58

Can I ask what those who kept their names professionally and use their husband's name privately do when applying for work? I usually get asked for a passport or driving license as a form of id, if that's in your married name rather than your maiden name how does that work?

GreyStars · 27/02/2017 03:17

My brother and I, both have the surname from a family we would very much like not to have. Father walked out and our entire family decided never to have anything to do with us after that (and he was the one who had been cheating on our mother)

I will be taking my DP name, his two children have his name (live with us, full PR) and want us all to have the same family name along with future children (if it ever happens) Whilst it is only a name I feel it will pull our family together in someway.

My brother, will be taking his wife's name, or they are toying with the idea of a completely new one.

I also really hate my surname :) and DP surname is genuinely far more elegant sounding.

I think the double surname is a nice idea if it works for people but I do wonder what will happen, when the children of these people get married :) and between them they have four original surnames.

BoomBoomsCousin · 27/02/2017 04:02

We picked a new name for our whole family when we had kids. I'm nine years on from first doing this and it's still a nuisance. I think when people tended to get married younger it may have been less of a hassle? My DH has had even more hassle than me (because it so much less common for a man to change). He maintained his previous name for professional reasons at first but has recently moved over fully to our new name because maintaining both was even more of a hassle! I kind of regret it to be honest and wish we'd kept our own names.

Surely your DH doesn't really think the only point of getting married is so you will take his name? What does he think you get out of marriage if he won't take yours?

EmeraldScorn · 27/02/2017 04:39

I'm not married but when (if) I do get married I will be keeping my own surname and that will never be open to debate; It's been my surname my entire life so it will stay that way and any children will have his surname as their middle name and my surname as their surname.

Although, I love my mum's maiden name and have always been quietly annoyed that she didn't incorporate it into my name in some way but those were different times I suppose!

sailorcherries · 27/02/2017 05:07

AnotherEmma

One DC is myname-exname and one DC will be myname-partnersname.

If I ever changed my name while marrying then I'd change DC1 to partnername-exname, while DC2 would be partners name and I'd be partners name. However, that is only an if.
I simply meant I wouldn't change my name willy-nilly and then not have any connection to DC1.

More than likely I'd never change my name and both children would stay myname-dadsname, until they were old enough to do something about it if they wanted.

KP86 · 27/02/2017 05:43

Took DH's name.

I was young (23) and my identity was. not tied up in my family name. I did ask DH if he would change to mine, but he refused, and it was more important to me that we had the same name as a new family than me keeping my birth name. I also told him that if I changed, this was my name now. If we ever split (hope not), I will not be going back to my maiden name, especially now that we have DC.

My mum was surprised as I'm quite demanding modern and non-traditional feminist in a lot of ways and she thought I would keep my birth name.

I also copped a few lectures from women who all thought I was letting down the feminist regime, but as far as I'm concerned, feminism is about freedom of choice. Change, don't change, come up with something completely new together - it's entirely your choice!

Best of luck for your wedding and I hope you have a long and happy marriage.

n0ne · 27/02/2017 06:56

Took DH's name hyphenated after mine. That way I feel like I kept my identity intact, but added him to me, if that makes sense. DD only has DH's name, though, as it would be a right faff for her in future (my name is awkwardly spelt and even more of an issue in my adopted country)

OwlinaTree · 27/02/2017 07:23

Alice I would want to have the same name as my child because imho a child should have its mother's name.

WhingingTulip · 27/02/2017 07:28

After reading this thread I decided to speak to my fiancée about this issue. I was intending on adopting myname-hisname when we marry in may and our son has this name. I have been married before and used my exh's surname but reverted to my maiden name when we divorced and have no intention of giving it up completely again. I asked my partner if he would consider using the same name as us (i.e. double-barrelling with mine) and he seemed shocked I'd asked. I'm actually quite surprised as he's usually very understanding of this kind of feminist issue. He says it would have implications for his work. He's happy if I simply don't change my name but I admit I would have like us to both have the same as our DS. I'm now a bit about it all as I do feel that it's somewhat unfair to be happy for me to have the complication of changing mine whilst being unwilling to do the same. It makes me feel like we're not on a level playing field.

fatmummy87 · 27/02/2017 07:32

I use different names for different parts of my life, haven't changed my name on anything official. My husband also uses my name if he's ordering anything over the phone (easier to spell).

fatmummy87 · 27/02/2017 07:35

Tell a lie, my married name is on the deeds to the house. That's the only official thing,

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20nil · 27/02/2017 07:44

If my now DH had inisisted that I take his name, I wouldn't have married or had children with him.

20nil · 27/02/2017 07:46

And also in 15+ years of marriage never one instance of 'faff' around keeping our own names. Not one!

SoupDragon · 27/02/2017 07:57

He's happy if I simply don't change my name but I admit I would have like us to both have the same as our DS. I'm now a bit about it all as I do feel that it's somewhat unfair to be happy for me to have the complication of changing mine whilst being unwilling to do the same. It makes me feel like we're not on a level playing field.

Why? He is happy for you not to change your name and is not forcing you to change to his. Why should he have to change if he doesn't want to?

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